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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

We do love a wedding one, don't we?

403 replies

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:04

My first aibu wedding thread (I think!).

So DP's close friend called round to our house to tell DP that him and his DF had booked their wedding for next Summer, in Italy. He told DP they are having an intimate wedding, hiring a villa for the week (cost to be split by guests) and as guest list only extends to 20 people, they are only inviting DP and not me.

DP said he felt put on the spot at the time so mumbled something about speaking to me and getting back to him. DP rang me straight afterwards to say no way was he going and he thought it was outrageous to invite him to Italy for a week without me.

For context, DP and I have been together two and a half years. We're engaged and have bought a house together. We're also ttc and had two mcs last year. They know all this. I get on with both bride and groom and have met them about ten times since I met DP.

Also for context, their guest list comprises mainly family, two single friends of the bride, a mutual couple friend of the b&g, and two friends of the groom (the other friend of groom is in a new relationship).

I know it's their wedding, their choice and it's an invite not a summons yada yada, but aibu to think this is pretty shitty?! I feel put out and so does DP and tbh they've gone down in our estimation.

OP posts:

pictish · 20/02/2015 11:26

Well invitees are equally at liberty to decline if they feel their personal comfort is not being prioritised enough for their own convenience, so there we have it.
It's all good.

Jackiebrambles · 20/02/2015 11:35

and a marriage is about celebrating love betwen two people, not splitting couples up

This.

Sallyingforth · 20/02/2015 11:35

patience I think you (and your dp) have approached this very sensibly.
I'm sure you will enjoy your own chosen holiday, together.

pictish · 20/02/2015 11:38

Splitting couples up?
Oh the drama! Something awful will surely occur as a result!

Won't anyone think of the plus ones?!

rookiemere · 20/02/2015 11:38

I think the b&g will soon discover that they have more room at the villa than previously thought . Don't be surprised if your DP's invite changes to include a plus one - but don't let that change your very sensible initial decision.

Viviennemary · 20/02/2015 11:41

I don't think they can be annoyed if people decline. Everyone is paying for themselves anyway so I wouldn't fee too worried about turning it down. But they won't please everyone. I think they've a right to do this but you've got a right to be annoyed you weren't included.

Charley50 · 20/02/2015 11:41

I didn't mean splitting couples up literally. Trust me I have been to loads of weddings on my own, due either to being single or cuz my stbx partner hating weddings (with me) :-(
But still think it's rude to not invite partners. Why not give the option of staying somewhere else?

thatsucks · 20/02/2015 11:42

won't anyone think of the plus ones

thatsucks · 20/02/2015 11:44

What don't people understand about numbers and budgets? They don't want partners, they want a very small wedding and can't stretch or don't want to stretch to partners.

IF PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO GO THEY CAN DECLINE THE INVITE

Jackiebrambles · 20/02/2015 11:44

I think including a plus one for a single friend is quite different from deliberately excluding a long term partner of a friend though.

Would the B&G like it if the OP do the same when they get married and not invite the wife?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 20/02/2015 11:47

So, OP - are you going to invite them to your wedding?

Nanny0gg · 20/02/2015 11:50

TwinkleThis Exactly! I think you deserve that glass of wine.

With bells on! Well put!

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/02/2015 11:52

"What don't people understand about numbers and budgets?"
Numbers - What don't B&G's understand about the hypocrisy of wanting only one half of a couple to celebrate their coupling?
Budgets - What don't B&G's understand about not being able to get a quart out of a pint pot, i.e. if that's your budget you can't afford your fantasy wedding and getting your guests to pay for it is not the answer?

SuburbanRhonda · 20/02/2015 11:54

thatsucks, so what do you think people should do if they don't want to go? Not sure it was clear from your last post

Nanny0gg · 20/02/2015 11:54

What don't people understand about numbers and budgets? They don't want partners, they want a very small wedding and can't stretch or don't want to stretch to partners.

A week abroad for all their guests (and themselves) to pay for is not, in my book, a very small wedding. It is the wedding they would like (fair enough).
For everyone else, it's a fair chunk of money and annual leave. To expect people to pay out for that when they have partners/family who will lose out is not thinking of the guests.

And there was no need to shout...

thatsucks · 20/02/2015 11:54

WhereYouLeftIt

I refer you to my post above: IF PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO GO THEY CAN DECLINE THE INVITE

Invitees are not obliged to go to a wedding.

If you affronted, offended and outraged by the wedding schedule or, if slightly more rationally, can't afford the time off or the money - just. don't. go.

Charley50 · 20/02/2015 11:54

That sucks - speak up I can't hear you! You reckon they can't afford food for ONE more person, and maybe the bests man's OH too (can't remember if he is attached or single?).

Original poster

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 11:55

Unexpected I wondered if someone would ask that :)

We are going to get married in a registry office and go for lunch with our parents. That's it. And we'll be married before they are (end of this year), so we'll be husband and wife when they get married.

However, they don't know this - or anything about our wedding plans.

If I was going to invite wider friends and family, under no circumstances would I not invite guests' significant others - especially to a wedding abroad. But maybe I would make an exception for this couple ;)

OP posts:

rookiemere · 20/02/2015 11:55

Ok let's pretend it's not a wedding.

Let's pretend someone is celebrating their significant birthday and want to go away. You would imagine in those circumstances the person would want to check where other people wanted to go, how long for and were ok going without their partner.

Alternatively, if they wanted to pick the location themselves, then the polite thing to do is to pay for it.

I don't see how it's a wedding makes a blind bit of difference.

If I was expected to use a weeks precious annual leave and a lot of money to go somewhere without my partner, I'd at least expect some input about where it was.

Original poster

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 11:56

Best man is in new relationship (just a few months now)...

OP posts:

Charley50 · 20/02/2015 11:57

The OP is being really sensible about it, it's just turned into a discussion between us about what a wedding / marriage actually fucking means.

TwinkleThis · 20/02/2015 11:59

So twinkle...your reasoning is because it's the 'done thing'.

pictish no, not quite. My reasoning is that there are more feelings to consider than those of the marrying couple and it's usefulfor many reasonsto make the event as enjoyable as possible for as many as possible without giving up the things that make the couple happy.

Well unfortunately not everyone has the budget to do the all important 'done thing'.

It's not about budget. I never mentioned budget.

Weddings nowadays vary wildly from the traditional ones we used to know. People are at liberty to arrange them with as little or as much imagination and variation as they wish, which is fantastic.

I couldn't agree more. My own wedding deviated wildly from tradition.

Having the wedding they want is a higher priority than outdated social tradition imo.

Social tradition and real matters of etiquette (not nonsencial etiquette such as passing port to the left) have developed over years with the goal of putting others at ease, giving consideration to people's differences, and ensuring enjoyment for all (including the marrying couple, of course).

I sincerely hope that concept never becomes "outdated" or we'll all be lesser for it.

rookiemere · 20/02/2015 12:07

Where's expat when you need her? She usually has quite strong views on wedding threads .

pictish · 20/02/2015 12:07

Twinkle I expect grown adults to be able to cope with good grace when attending an event without their partners where budget restraints dictate that priorities have to be made to exclude them.
We'll just have to agree to disagree on this one.

itsaysonthetin · 20/02/2015 12:16

God I hate it when people start harping on about:

"Marriage is about FAMILY"
"Marriage is about bringing the different generations together!"
"Weddings are about COUPLES"

That might be what a wedding means to you but all a wedding really is, is a legal ceremony to marry two people. That's IT. Everything else is up to how the bride and groom feel, and if they want to do something some of their guests don't want to do, then they politely decline the invitation. That's it.

I find it pretty shocking that they are expecting people to travel out for an entire week - surely there must be people who are only coming out for the evening before the wedding, the wedding itself, then leaving the day after?

If there are no childcare commitments, then I would find it very weird for people to be so precious about being invited somewhere without their partner.You aren't some kind off bizarre automatic 2 for 1 package - even if you are married you are still two separate people. Why should people have to pay for your partner (who they barely know) at their wedding, and have to not invite another close friend?

I can understand though why your partner might not be happy spending that much time away from you, for the money it will cost and all that. So he can just decline the invite.

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