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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We do love a wedding one, don't we?

403 replies

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:04

My first aibu wedding thread (I think!).

So DP's close friend called round to our house to tell DP that him and his DF had booked their wedding for next Summer, in Italy. He told DP they are having an intimate wedding, hiring a villa for the week (cost to be split by guests) and as guest list only extends to 20 people, they are only inviting DP and not me.

DP said he felt put on the spot at the time so mumbled something about speaking to me and getting back to him. DP rang me straight afterwards to say no way was he going and he thought it was outrageous to invite him to Italy for a week without me.

For context, DP and I have been together two and a half years. We're engaged and have bought a house together. We're also ttc and had two mcs last year. They know all this. I get on with both bride and groom and have met them about ten times since I met DP.

Also for context, their guest list comprises mainly family, two single friends of the bride, a mutual couple friend of the b&g, and two friends of the groom (the other friend of groom is in a new relationship).

I know it's their wedding, their choice and it's an invite not a summons yada yada, but aibu to think this is pretty shitty?! I feel put out and so does DP and tbh they've gone down in our estimation.

OP posts:
KatelynB · 20/02/2015 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cobain · 20/02/2015 09:36

I have been to a few wedding with invite just me, mainly school friend where the invite is to the group of friends and not the individual and work colleagues. Never abroad though, only go abroad if the wedding can be made into a holiday to justify cost.

Happydaystoytown · 20/02/2015 09:36

Since when did weddings consist of "his" and "her" friends without the partners coming. It's bizarre. Even if you hadn't met the "partner" you'd still invite them. Most invitations are for two people, otherwise you could easily have a situation of lots of partner less people just hanging round with no one to talk to. Small weddings don't mean you invite one half of a couple without the other.

viva100 · 20/02/2015 09:37

Yanbu. And if I were your DP I wouldn't go. I wouldn't waste the small amount of leave I have on a holiday I didn't get to choose AND on which I couldn't take my partner. It is just an invite so he can just turn it down. Maybe they'll be offended, maybe they won't even care that much.

KatelynB · 20/02/2015 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charley50 · 20/02/2015 09:38

YANBU. They say they want an 'intimate' wedding, but when your DP declines the invite they will try and find another friend to replace him (and help pay for the villa). It won't be so intimate then with a second choice friend. So it would have been much better if partners of their good friends had been invited and if villa too small, some stayed somewhere else.
Plus symbolically marriage is about the love of two people so not inviting friends loved ones is not in the spirit of marriage. Hope your DP does decline.

YAsoNBU · 20/02/2015 09:42

I also wonder if they are privy to your Ttc that they are anticipating there will be a baby by then, so are pre-empting the child-free wedding decision?

If your DP does go alone the accommodation arrangements might be interesting. He'll probably have the privilege of paying to stay a week with a randomer!

tiggytape · 20/02/2015 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rookiemere · 20/02/2015 09:47

I can't believe people are saying YABU.

The happy couple have done just about every wedding faux pas in the book:

  • Wedding abroad - tick
  • Expectation that people are happy to spend £££ on getting to wedding abroad - tick
  • Huge week long wedding extravaganza which the guests have to pay for - tick
  • Expectation that people will be happy to use their precious annual leave to support the above - tick
  • Exclusion of long term partner - tick

The only thing that's missing is an wedding invite with a crass poem cash grab and bank details on it - but I'm sure that'll come soon.

Yes people are entitled to have the wedding that they want, but if that includes all of the above, they might want to think long and hard before arranging it that way.

Your DP sounds like a good egg OP, hold on to him.

SinglePringle · 20/02/2015 09:47

Happydays I've been to many weddings on my own. Strangely, people have spoken to me - people alone can talk you know!

Happydaystoytown · 20/02/2015 09:48

So bride , groom , family
& a bunch of guys & gals ( partners at home)
Sounds like a recipe for disaster
Totally agree, what they trying to do here.

Happydaystoytown · 20/02/2015 09:49

I wouldn't like to though, some people are happier to have someone with them.

Charley50 · 20/02/2015 09:56

It's fine to go on your own if you are on your own. I've been to many a wedding alone as a single person. But not to not invite a serious DP.

TheRealMaryMillington · 20/02/2015 09:56

It would be Ok- though not strictly good form - not to invite you if they were having an intimate celebration in the UK, and it was going to be one day/night away. (plus inevitable stag do etc)

A week away abroad, at probably some cost……no.

Oh wait they haven't asked him to be best man, have they?

I don't get all these people who say "it's their day, they can do as they like". No, if you want guests you have to consider what will make them happy. That's what makes a good wedding.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:59

DP is a good egg, he really is :)

No... he's not best man. The other lone guy is...

OP posts:
Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 20/02/2015 10:01

I really don't understand this 'it's their wedding they can do what they want'.

Without exception, the people in our social circle who have thrown a wedding with consideration for their guests, have the happy marriages. Those who did the whole 'it's my/our day, we can do what we like and you must suck it up' are the ones who are either headed for the divorce courts or there already.

It says a great deal about a person, how they choose to celebrate their marriage.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 10:03

rookie I'm also surprised :o

IT would be totally different if this wedding was UK-based. DP got a sole-invite to his close friend's wedding at the end of last year. Went alone for one night, had a lovely time. No issues.

IMO this is something else...

Maybe the bride is trying to set up her two single friends with DP and the other guy ;) JK!

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 20/02/2015 10:04

rookiemere has just said everything I was going to. They have a fucking cheek.

Just decline the invitation and let them find another mug to waste their holiday time and money.

SinglePringle · 20/02/2015 10:06

I've been in relationships and gone to weddings on my own. I survived!

Charley50 · 20/02/2015 10:11

Yes so have I but that's not the point.

paulapantsdown · 20/02/2015 10:11

Why does everyone keep mentioning the budget of the b&g? They want a fancy villa to stay in and their pals to come, but they arny paying for it, they are expecting their guests to pay for themselves!!! Entitled or what? By inviting people they are asking them to use holiday time and money on a holiday they haven't chosen, and you can bet your last pound they will have the right huff if everyone doesn't do what they want.

Madmum24 · 20/02/2015 10:11

The principal wouldn't bother me (of not getting invited) I would be fuming and laughing my leg off at their brass neck at the idea that they are charging their guests to stay with them.

I would get your partner to say he is attending, but not stay in the villa and you and him make it your annual holiday in a nearby hotel.

Jackiebrambles · 20/02/2015 10:12

I'm not surprised you are a bit miffed, I would be too.

But of course they can do what they want. I think its right to just decline politely.

It's a shame that the grooms close friend won't be coming but I guess that's the choice they have made when choosing a small abroad wedding!

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 20/02/2015 10:15

Ah - so the bride's friends are single? I reckon there is your answer, she is thinking she doesn't want them to be at a loose end while everyone else is in a couple, so they've said that the groom's friends can't bring their partners.

Which is bloody rude IMO.

angelos02 · 20/02/2015 10:21

I can't believe they have the cheek of charging guests to stay at the villa! It is bad enough expecting people to give up their valuable annual leave.
Unbelievable.