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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We do love a wedding one, don't we?

403 replies

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:04

My first aibu wedding thread (I think!).

So DP's close friend called round to our house to tell DP that him and his DF had booked their wedding for next Summer, in Italy. He told DP they are having an intimate wedding, hiring a villa for the week (cost to be split by guests) and as guest list only extends to 20 people, they are only inviting DP and not me.

DP said he felt put on the spot at the time so mumbled something about speaking to me and getting back to him. DP rang me straight afterwards to say no way was he going and he thought it was outrageous to invite him to Italy for a week without me.

For context, DP and I have been together two and a half years. We're engaged and have bought a house together. We're also ttc and had two mcs last year. They know all this. I get on with both bride and groom and have met them about ten times since I met DP.

Also for context, their guest list comprises mainly family, two single friends of the bride, a mutual couple friend of the b&g, and two friends of the groom (the other friend of groom is in a new relationship).

I know it's their wedding, their choice and it's an invite not a summons yada yada, but aibu to think this is pretty shitty?! I feel put out and so does DP and tbh they've gone down in our estimation.

OP posts:
SinglePringle · 20/02/2015 10:22

D'you know, the attitude that single people are seen as being at a 'loose end' if they're with couples is really enlightening. I'm glad I know no-one who makes me feel this way. Hmm.

tiggytape · 20/02/2015 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 20/02/2015 10:24

It's rude! Whatever way you look at it, it's rude!

In this day and age (old gimmer alert), partners who share a house and children (inc potential DCs) and a life together are the equivalent of a married couple.

It would be very bad manners to invite a husband and not a wife in these circumstances so I don't see this situation as any different.

If they can't afford/don't have room for both then don't invite either.

You can have exactly the wedding you want within the bounds of manners and thoughtfulness. You don't need to ride roughshod over people to get there.

SinglePringle · 20/02/2015 10:25

Both - in UK for the day and far far away abroad (not saying where for fear of outing self) for 2 weeks.

FireflySerenity · 20/02/2015 10:26

Highly selfish, if they want to get married abroad its fine but they should pay for flights and accommodation. It's just a cheapskate way of putting the costs onto the guests.

Rollermum · 20/02/2015 10:28

I think it would be more understandable if it was a wedding lasting the day. But it is also a week apart, annual leave and holiday budget so YANBU.

BadLad · 20/02/2015 10:28

The happy couple have done just about every wedding faux pas in the book:

Not unless they've also requested cash by putting a cringeworthy poem in the invite.

That's my favourite faux pas.

TheRealMaryMillington · 20/02/2015 10:28

I don't suppose the B&G are generally rude and horrible people.

They just haven't thought it through.

OP's DP is absolutely right to decline.

TwinkleThis · 20/02/2015 10:29

YANBU. It is shitty.

It simply isn't done to issue the invitation that they did. Couples should always be invited together. Even singles should automatically be given the option to bring someone as well (which is why a good hostess will make sure to learn the current situation and name-- "and Guest" looks horrible on an envelope.

They have the choice to do what they likely their special day, of course. Doesn't stop them from looking like arseholes.

Your DP is a doll.

Dowser · 20/02/2015 10:30

I'm getting married abroad and have paid for 10 people to come out with us ( my family) and I wouldnt have it any other way. When I costed it up it came to the price of a modest 50 person wedding in a nice venue.

Friends have been given an invite to say we would love to see them if they would like to come.

These are all people who have travelled abroad so are used to doing it, have passports etc and while we would love to have them there we can understand if they can't make it.

To ask them to contribute to our wedding by helping to pay for accommodation is just staggering. I cannot believe that any bride and groom would do that. I would expect the b and g to pay for the villa. It's their choice after all and ask friends to come along so that they know they are getting a holiday with a wedding thrown in. All it would cost them is their flight. I would also invite their partners. I think it's just rude to expect someone to take time out of the relationship at all that cost and leave the other one at home.

I suspect I'm just from another era.

YANBU I think they are just being thoughtless and entitled. I'd be amazed if they managed to pull it off to be honest.

You are right. We do like a good wedding thread. Keep us updated because I'm astonished that anyone would do this.

Cantdecideondinner · 20/02/2015 10:32

I don't see the problem, it's a small wedding, there's limited space, he's their close friend and you aren't. I sounds like a fair way to split it. If it were a larger wedding and all the other partners were invited then you would have grounds to feel put out but in this case YABU

pictish · 20/02/2015 10:33

Why twinkle?

Why MUST couples be invited together, and why MUST invitees be given the option of a plus one?
Why?

angelos02 · 20/02/2015 10:35

I would assume the B&G are paying for the guest's flights too? Surely not expecting the guests to pay? Although from some of the threads on here, I wouldn't be surprised if the aren't.

TwinkleThis · 20/02/2015 10:35

SinglePringle, I loved going to weddings on my own and loved the single guests at my wedding.

Not sure, but perhaps the point was that it's good manners, when inviting a single person, to also invite someone for them to go with if they choose.

Usually someone of their choice/romantic interest. Though one friend decided to being her sister, which was fine by me...

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 20/02/2015 10:35

Single that is not my view, but I expect it is the bride's view.

I agree that if this was a UK wedding and he would be away for the day or overnight then it wouldn't be an issue. But a week long holiday in Italy when you aren't allowed to bring the person you are going to marry and are trying to have a family with is a whole different ballgame IMO.

hamptoncourt · 20/02/2015 10:36

It's a brilliant wheeze to get everyone to pay for their villa isn't it?

YANBU

Charley50 · 20/02/2015 10:36

It's a small wedding because they are designing it around how many bedrooms the villa has! As guests are expected to pay anyway they could have a few other people staying elsewhere.

SinglePringle · 20/02/2015 10:38

Why do you expect it's the Brides view, especially if it's not your own?

Charley50 · 20/02/2015 10:40

Yeah anything goes with weddings these days but there are conventions for a reason: as it's a celebration of pairing up invite pairs if people are in them. Not single ladies and men separated from their loved ones for a week in the sun. Not implying anything there but it's just weird. Cor blimey. I must get up it's 10.39.

HoldingtheFortress · 20/02/2015 10:40

Personally I think that people who do this are showing that the wedding venue is more important than the wedding guests.

YANBU

Quitelikely · 20/02/2015 10:44

I think it's outrageous that they expect people to pay for the villa!

Unless you are all very rich IMO it's a lot to ask. I can't understand why they have decided they can only afford 20 guests when they are expecting guests to pay for everything apart from food? And on that note who is going to be footing the food bill for supplies at the villa.........

treacleturkey · 20/02/2015 10:46

I think you're being overly precious about all of this. Get a grip.

IF your dp wants to go, then fine. If he doesn't, then fine - but it's not very nice for the groom if he refuses to go.

Jackiebrambles · 20/02/2015 10:50

I think the groom has got to expect that he might not go since his fiancée isn't invited!

thatsucks · 20/02/2015 10:53

FGS the bride and groom are NOT asking guests to fund their wedding.

They have hired the villa as accommodation for guests and said everyone could share costs.

People do not have to stay in the villa!

It is not rude to have your wedding abroad!

It is equally not rude for guest to say 'sorry we can't afford the annual leave and/or the cost'!

Why DO people on Mumsnet think every wedding invite is utterly outrageous and posters pile in with hoping all the guests decline etc etc - what a horrible attitude.

NeedABumChange · 20/02/2015 10:53

Seriously? Yabvvvu!

You've met them 10 times and only known them a couple of years. DP you really think you are in their top 20 people???