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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell Dh I no longer want to be SAHM to 2 month old and to be a SAHD?

283 replies

MrsDutchie · 16/02/2015 23:41

Dh is a PhD student in the final stages of submitting his research. I've been on mat leave since November and whilst I love PFB to bits, I don't want to be a SAHM much longer - it's driving me crazy. I miss my work so much I've taken on part-time consultancy work with a charity. If I go back to work, a fair amount of the money goes straight back to childcare if Dh continues with studies.

I don't get why it's not the other way round. I have the job but Dh's logic is he will eventually get the well paid job. Sod eventually - why does the fact I have vagina mean I have to stay at home and look after PFB? I have a career and interests too. He just sees her at evenings and on nice family days and I'm driving up the wall here desperate to work again.

Like I said, I love PFB but why should the fact I have boobies and gave birth mean I'm faced with this dilemma and Dh gets to waltz through guilt-free without any concerns or repercussions about how selfish he is if he goes back to work.

Any other MNers had a similar dilemma? What did you do? I'm not looking to get flamed for how selfish I am or that it was my choice to have kids. I stand where I stand on this and I want to balance both

OP posts:

SolomanDaisy · 17/02/2015 17:13

I'd guess that since he assumes he will be the higher earner in the family and OP says she already has a PhD, that he is not going into academia and his PhD is one directly related to a well paid industry. Or that he thinks is directly related to a well paid industry, it's difficult to tell whether he is realistic about that or not.

Iggi999 · 17/02/2015 17:21

I suppose if the OP had no money worries then her desire to go back to work so early (and these days, in the UK, it is early) might not have happened/might happen later on. The opening post speaks more of not being cut out to stay at home, but subsequent posts speak more of financial necessity. I don't think it's unreasonable for a poster to point out that working with a four month old may actually be harder than a two month old - if it's that or the wolf at the door though what can you do? (Well other than make your partner contribute properly to the family, but he seems entrenched).

OnlyLovers · 17/02/2015 17:24

Iggi, if you mean what I said to Bodicea, that post doesn't so much point out that working with a four month old may be harder than a two month old as cast judgement on the OP (finding it 'strange') for wanting to go back to work now. And the 'baby really needs its mum' is straight up emotional blackmail.

Stoatystoat · 17/02/2015 17:43

I am interested to know if this is a straight 'it will be finished in three months' or if the draft will be complete in three months. I seem to remember a lot of dead time interspersed with frantic times the last three months, passing chapters and the entire thesis back and forth from my supervisors. There was hanging around waiting to get chapters back and the entire manuscript back. It definitely wasn't a full time endeavour at least the last month or two.

Bodicea · 17/02/2015 17:45

Eek some touchy people on here today. Just pointing out that two months is early to be making any big decisions.

UptheChimney · 17/02/2015 17:50

But you didn't need to add the emotional blackmail about a baby "needing" its mum. As long as there's consistent care, it could be the baby's father

I still think the OP's husband is a selfish sexist manchild ... and that's the problem, not how old their child should be when it's mother goes back to full time work. No-one's castigating the child's father for not caring for his child (well, I am, as are a few others, but it's amazing how set most people's views are about the so-called "necessity" of a mother caring for a new born)..

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/02/2015 17:52

Ummmm - well I think the going to Op's DH's home country is a non-starter unless moving there is the ultimate long term aim? But they have a two month notice period on their flat and he's only 3 months off finishing. By the time they've given notice, packed up and moved then he could be finished. It would be different if he was a year off finishing and Op was desperate not to go back to work.

OnlyLovers · 17/02/2015 17:54

Yes, quite, Chimney. Bodicea, you're being very disingenuous and I'm not being 'touchy', thanks.

Bodicea · 17/02/2015 17:58

Well maybe because a lot of people believe that a baby does need it's mother more than anyone else in the first few months of it's life. Obviously care from the father is just as good further down the line but I don't think anything is as good as the mother in those first few months. But that's just my opinion. Feel free to disagree without jumping down my throat.

OnlyLovers · 17/02/2015 18:05

Opinions on whether she ought to go back to work are not what the OP started the thread for, though.

And other people have given their opinions without saying it was 'strange' that she wanted to go back to work, or stating as though it were unassailable fact that a new baby needs its female parent more than its male one.

Make judgements about someone's choice and present your own opinions as objective truth and you bet I'll jump down your throat.

Topseyt · 17/02/2015 18:12

Not everyone takes naturally to the newborn stage. I didn't, and I remember it very well for that reason.

When my first baby was just a couple of months old (nearly 20 years ago now) I was itching to get back to work, to something I knew and was familiar with because motherhood was still so overwhelming and I was worried that maybe it wasn't for me. I went back when my daughter was 12 weeks old, although it was much more of a wrench than I had originally envisaged it would be. I was immediately happier though, and my baby was fine in her nursery.

Don't judge the OP. It isn't just new motherhood she is coping with, it is also financial problems which her husband seems unable to comprehend.

UptheChimney · 17/02/2015 18:23

And her husband's planning (or lack of) which he has kept secret from her and now won't discuss.

No wonder she's distressed.

Marynary · 17/02/2015 18:46

Well maybe because a lot of people believe that a baby does need it's mother more than anyone else in the first few months of it's life.

I don't think that a lot of people do believe that nowadays actually as it's totally irrational unless the mother is breastfeeding. Assuming OP isn't breast feeding I can't see that it would make any difference to the baby whether they are looked after by the mother or father.

Marynary · 17/02/2015 18:54

I worked for about 30 hours a week while writing up my PhD. It meant that it took me about 7 months rather than 3, but it meant I had plenty of money to live. I think that OP's DH is being really selfish and probably sexist to insist that he should work on his PhD full time if it means that they are really struggling financially.

skylark2 · 17/02/2015 18:55

"Studying" is a really odd way to refer to someone who is three months from submitting a thesis. He should be in the last stages of writing up.

Is he?

And absolutely he should be applying for jobs as he finishes writing up. It's normal and expected.

Wellwellwell3holesintheground · 17/02/2015 19:25

I'd never heard of the term 'writing up' before. I would call it studying in the same way that I would call it studying when I wrote my dissertation. Either way, it's not working.

Marynary · 17/02/2015 19:57

I'd never heard of the term 'writing up' before. I would call it studying in the same way that I would call it studying when I wrote my dissertation. Either way, it's not working.

I didn't feel I was "studying" when I did my PhD. As far as I was concerned I was doing research which was working.

notquiteruralbliss · 17/02/2015 20:55

OP your DP is being a bit inflexible and shortsighted. Given that he won't be earning for a while (not having applied for anything) preserving your job has to be a priority. In your position, I would go back full time once you hit lower rate maternity pay (or before if you feel you need to) and expect him to cover 2 days child care midweek, with you doing 2 days at the weekend. That way, you would only need 3 days paid child care.

Marynary · 17/02/2015 21:32

notquiteruralbliss I don't think OP is getting maternity pay. That is the problem. They are living off benefits but only she can get them (DH is not eligible) money is extremely limited.

Original poster

MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 22:34

There are certainly a lot of interesting posts on this thread!

Lots of very helpful, pragmatic advice which I am thinking about and will discuss with Dh. Lots of insight that I needed my eyes open to. Once again, you Mumsnetters have been truly wonderful and I really appreciate the advice and support. It's time to sit Dh down with a timetable and start making a plan because we can't continue as it is. I was really emotional last night, I'm calm now and I'll be able to deal with it tomorrow.

And, lots of quite blatantly rude 'advice' about my decision to work with a young baby - a decision which actually I wanted to take out of the equation precisely for the reaction it creates. Certainly a level of expectations not generally imposed on the penis-wearing members of the population.

Against those questioning my love and commitment for PFB - she is my world. End of. And I would never leave her in the care of someone I was not comfortable with. Not that I need to justify that, but there it is.

OP posts:

MoanCollins · 17/02/2015 23:01

MrsDutchie, you sound sensible and rational, but somewhat.....overwraught. It is still very early days and you seem to be making very quick decisions. Have you been to see your GP and have you seen your health visitor? How does your DH think you are doing in your self? It all seems a bit...manic. There are a few red flags there for me.

ClimbingPenguin · 17/02/2015 23:23

I think he can certainly have her two days a week (equal to a weekend) and tbh can't see why he can do four. I finished writing my PhD first three months DD was born. Easier at that age. You just work focused and at odd times of day to catch evening sleep and naps.

duplodon · 17/02/2015 23:47

I had thought similarly to MoanCollins. The key thing that has struck me is that you seem really stuck on the thought this has to happen now, and there's a sort of agitation to that thought. This is prime PND time, and though most people don't know this unless they've been through it or experienced someone going through it, PND often doesn't present like depression at other times, it's often quite agitated and restless, and you can be absolutely perfectly well bonded with your baby but just feel a bit like you want to leap out of your skin and everything needs to change and change now, irritable, feeling your thoughts are stuck and you can't get relief from them, going over the same thoughts again and again in your head, particularly ones that tell you that your life as it is desperately needs to change.

None of this may be at all true for you, but on the off chance it is, I am just throwing it out there. Been there, done that, have the tee shirt. I was writing up protocols for new improved working methods for my team at 3am at this point with my first. I didn't realise it was PND until I got pregnant with my second and crashed like you wouldn't believe. Hope this isn't true for you.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 17/02/2015 23:54

Just as a quick counterweight to the two posts above, I have a close friend who planned for 6 months of with dc1 but quite literally missed her job. She loved the bones of the baby but she isn't her without work. With dc2 she was pretty much back within 6 weeks. She is a bonded and happy mother with a supportive dh. It works for them. Her dc are teens now and it's fine. I was a full maternity leave type but I can see what it meant to her and totally see it was good for them.

cestlavielife · 18/02/2015 00:03

Go back to work.
Simple.
Ideally Dh organises so he does some of the child care to cut child care costs

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