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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell Dh I no longer want to be SAHM to 2 month old and to be a SAHD?

283 replies

MrsDutchie · 16/02/2015 23:41

Dh is a PhD student in the final stages of submitting his research. I've been on mat leave since November and whilst I love PFB to bits, I don't want to be a SAHM much longer - it's driving me crazy. I miss my work so much I've taken on part-time consultancy work with a charity. If I go back to work, a fair amount of the money goes straight back to childcare if Dh continues with studies.

I don't get why it's not the other way round. I have the job but Dh's logic is he will eventually get the well paid job. Sod eventually - why does the fact I have vagina mean I have to stay at home and look after PFB? I have a career and interests too. He just sees her at evenings and on nice family days and I'm driving up the wall here desperate to work again.

Like I said, I love PFB but why should the fact I have boobies and gave birth mean I'm faced with this dilemma and Dh gets to waltz through guilt-free without any concerns or repercussions about how selfish he is if he goes back to work.

Any other MNers had a similar dilemma? What did you do? I'm not looking to get flamed for how selfish I am or that it was my choice to have kids. I stand where I stand on this and I want to balance both

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 17/02/2015 13:55

I agree with those who say you've got bigger problems than just the immediate ones of money and career; your DH sounds selfish, sexist and pig-headed. You need to sort this out.

And fuck me, there's a lot of judging on this thread. Those giving the OP grief should be ashamed of yourselves, all of you, but special mention to But I have to say, 8 weeks old and you already yearn to be running off back to work? Really?

and

Yabu and quite selfish. Why exactly did you have a baby?

and
what the heck did you have a baby for you don,t seem to want to look after her she is only 8 weeks and you are desperate to go back to work

MrsJohnLewis · 17/02/2015 13:56

If we were in the US, you'd only have one more month of maternity leave left anyway.

Don't know why people are being so twatty.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 17/02/2015 13:57

If you went back full time without DH doing any childcare how much would you be clearing after childcare? I think you said your maternity pay is 1k per month? How does that stack up with DH doing childcare for 1, 2 or more days? At what point do you have enough to live on?

Manic3mum · 17/02/2015 14:00

I would go back to work. And let DP deal with the childcare. Isn't that what a great deal of men do in the same position? Whether that be doing it himself, splitting between nursery and himself or entirely at nursery.
You have the job, the salary - go out and provide for your family as you have the means to do so. He is going to have to start being a bit more flexible.

irregularegular · 17/02/2015 14:07

You are not being unreasonable! At all.

Your husband cannot dictate that you stay at home with your baby if that isn't what you want to do. And it would be unreasonable of him not to contribute to your precarious finances by doing as much childcare as is reasonably compatible with finishing his PhD in a sensible timeframe.

Would your income cover childcare costs even if he doesn't help? If so, then you should just make that choice - it will at least make you a bit better off and it sounds as if it would make you happier. In another month you will be able to use a nursery or childminder.

Would that be sufficient to solve your financial problems? If not, then you have the somewhat harder task of convincing your husband that it's worth his while doing a couple of days of childcare in order to save the £50 per day that this would cost. There is absolutely no reason why he can't work on his PhD around this and if you are in financial dire straits then hopefully he will see this is worth it for £100 per week.

This is going to be far more sensible than him taking a low paid bar job, which only barely covers the childcare costs and give you very little flexibility. The fact that you may look after your child while he is at work is irrelevant, since the alternative is for you to be out and earning more! Plus there are the intangible benefits of him spending more time with and taking more responsibility for your child.

If he really doesn't like the idea of you working full time then there could be some degree of compromise.

I had my first child a few months before finishing my PhD. I put it down for one month before starting again. When she was 2.5 months I also started my first academic job and DH and I shared the childcare. My daughter started nursery mornings only when she was 3.5 months and DH and I took turns to do the afternoons. Both DH and I had full-time academic jobs and I was writing my PhD late into the night. I was pregnant again by the time she was 7 months! We muddled through together...The Phd got done.

UptheChimney · 17/02/2015 14:14

there's a lot of judging on this thread

Absolutely! The father of the child is not being held to the same account as its mother

I feel for you, OP I really do. I hope you find a way to manage: your DH has been quite irresponsible in his part in all this -- refusing ti discuss finances, hiding his situation.

Then his only solution is to go to his home country, thus taking you away from all your support networks and also away from the possibility of you going back to work easily. Makes me feel claustrophobic thinking about it, TBH.

Stoatystoat · 17/02/2015 14:18

irregularegular just have to say wow, that's amazing.

MrsJohnLewis · 17/02/2015 14:23

It's just the attitude that his PhD is sooo much more important than anything else because HE IS A MAN and man things take precedent; requiring the universe to revolve around them. Even if your family is scratching by on the bones of their arses.

God forbid he should have to compromise or pull more of his weight.

You could all be better off and more comfortable if her would just pull his head out of his arse.

MrsJohnLewis · 17/02/2015 14:25

*he

irregularegular · 17/02/2015 14:29

To be honest, stoat, it wasn't the best way to to kickstart an academic career! Despite a very supportive husband I discovered that starting a university lecturer job, doing research, and having 2 under 2 was too much and inevitably the research side suffered. But that was also partly because I made the wrong choice with my first job.

I've been quite lucky and it's all worked out OK. I have a good, permanent academic job. But my research career has not been anywhere near as stellar as many of my graduate school contemporaries. Then again - maybe my heart was never really in it to that extent? I certainly wasn't willing to see as little of my children as some did.

We all find our own way!

Stoatystoat · 17/02/2015 14:32

irregular well each of those on their own is no easy thing let alone all of them. Sounds like you're doing really well, a permanent job in academia is quite the achievement and I hope you've got a good work/life balance.

irregularegular · 17/02/2015 14:35

I have a good balance now that the children are 11 and 12! Not sure I did back then...but what can you do?

thank you for the positive comments!

LaurieMarlow · 17/02/2015 16:06

Totally agree with Mrs John Lewis. Especially given that he's making no contribution to family finances and is probably unlikely to for a good while to come.

limegoldfinewine · 17/02/2015 16:20

So women "balance" by getting worse results and crappier jobs and this is admirable?

Honestly, I think both parents should be judged. Neither seems that interested in parenting their kid. Both seem rigid and inflexible over what is a really short period of time. The OP seems to have the worst frame of mind possible - sees this as a competition and is crazy resentful after only 8 weeks. I would divorce now to save time.

And as an immigrant on a restricted visa, I loathe all the comments about her DH and his "home country". Firstly, not all immigrants are woman hating and untrustworthy. Secondly, there is so much hypocrisy on the thread. People are encouraging the OP not to go her DH's "home country" where she can't work and will be stuck if the marriage breaks down but that is exactly what they want her DH to do. If he becomes a SAHD, he has no right to benefits but no ability to work. If they split up, he will have to leave the country (and his child). He's probably desperate to finish and get economically independent so they can co-parent from separate homes.

MrsJohnLewis · 17/02/2015 16:20

I just can't imagine insisting my partner stay at home with a baby when they could be working and earning good money, so that I can pursue a very time consuming qualification (with no guarantee of a job at the end of it) that keeps us all poor.

Wellwellwell3holesintheground · 17/02/2015 16:39

Does he actually get the numbers? Eg outgoings of xxx income of xxx = not enough to live?

If you knew you could go back to work in 12 weeks could you work it out financially? Then he could finish and then do childcare while he looks for a job.
Another option would be for him to work set hours for PhD and treat it as his part time job. Agree with PP that he should do 2 days a week of childcare. If he really can finish in 12 weeks he can do it evenings weekends and 3 weekdays or fewer.

Nolim · 17/02/2015 16:41

very time consuming qualification (with no guarantee of a job at the end of it)

That can be said of any degree specially advanced ones. And i believe that in the experience of most people it is worth it.

Marynary · 17/02/2015 16:45

I sympathise OP. I think that your DP needs to face reality. Lots of people work while writing up their PhD particularly if they run out of funding so I'm not sure why he feels he should be any different. He needs to either look after your baby part time so that you can work or find paid work himself. Anything else is not practical or reasonable.

UptheChimney · 17/02/2015 16:46

But the OP's husband is not doing the right things (or anything) to get a job at the end of his PhD. I advise my PhD students to start job-hunting at least 6 months before they estimate they're due to submit. For a start, there's always at least a 2 month hiatus after submission, while the examiners read it.

He seems very irresponsible poor old OP she seems to be the only one thinkin about the family's finances.

waterrat · 17/02/2015 16:51

I have been working part time since my second baby was 5 months - i was DESPERATE to get back to work - I am so so much happier now I am working. she loves her childcare, my son loves his, I love my working life - please, please OP ignore all the bollocks judgement - YANBU - totally totally ridiculous that you are the one who apparently is 'wrong' for thinking of working away from an 8 week old, er....what about the dad?! is he 'wrong' ...????

its a shit situation - I would say though, if you can try to remember how short this period is - much as I hated it when people said that to me - it is short, if you can start planning and looking for work that you could do and pay for childcare - I would just aim for that. If he will do a day a week - use that day to find work yourself.

itsaysonthetin · 17/02/2015 16:52

OP -

I think being realistic you need to make a very specific compromise, with some set deadlines in place.

Let him finish the phd, but set a deadline on how long you will wait for this. If he thinks it will be done in 3 months, then say you will be arranging to go back to work in four months time. That gives him a month leeway.

I know it is hard, but four months is totally do-able, and it IS really better to get the phd out of the way now, rather than dragging it out part time.

The focus for the conversation I guess should be "okay, so you estimate you will be done in three months. I will be going back to work in four months. What are we going to do for childcare at that point? Will you do childcare whilst applying for jobs?"

Realistically, if he has no work lined up, then he should be the one doing childcare. Yes, it will be a bit tough applying for things whilst being the SAHP, but it doesn't sound like either of you have the luxury of having full time child care when one parent is going to be at home anyway.

If he hasn't finished the phd in four months, then it is going to be up to him to balance childcare and finishing it off. You aren't obliged to put your life on hold to suit his convenience.

LaurieMarlow · 17/02/2015 16:53

Nolim, I'm not sure your first point is really the truth of it. I don't have any figures to hand (and in work so can't look them up), but I think if you compared how much:

a) gaining a first degree impacts your earning prospects compared to no degree and
b) gaining a PhD impacts your earning prospects compared to UG/Masters level degree

You'd find that that the former makes a big difference whereas the latter may have minimal impact. Of course it depends what kind of work you go into. But if it's industry, having a PhD may make very little difference to your earning capacity. If you go into academia/research, it's poorly paid considering the amount of time you put into your qualification.

And for me the PhD wasn't worth it. If i had my time again I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole.

Nolim · 17/02/2015 17:01

Laurie i am sorry that your phd was not worth it. Mine was totally worth it and i would do it all over again.

I dont have figures at hand either and in any case what matters for op and her family is the specific circumstances they have.

Bodicea · 17/02/2015 17:06

I do find it strange that you are already yearning to go back to work. I realize staying at home isn't for every one but as I recall at weeks I had a little honeymoon period with the baby where it was relatively easy before it all got a lot more difficult at 3 months, not sleeping though etc. It might seem like it would be easy to work at the mo but throw in a few more sleepless nights and you might not be in so much of a rush to go back. Also your baby is in the "4th trimester" at the mo and really needs it's mum. By all means go back to work instead of your husband further down the line but don't be in so much of a rush.

OnlyLovers · 17/02/2015 17:10

Bodicea, that's not helpful, it's not what the thread is about, and your baby is in the "4th trimester" at the mo and really needs it's mum is tosh and emotional blackmail. Lay off her.