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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell Dh I no longer want to be SAHM to 2 month old and to be a SAHD?

283 replies

MrsDutchie · 16/02/2015 23:41

Dh is a PhD student in the final stages of submitting his research. I've been on mat leave since November and whilst I love PFB to bits, I don't want to be a SAHM much longer - it's driving me crazy. I miss my work so much I've taken on part-time consultancy work with a charity. If I go back to work, a fair amount of the money goes straight back to childcare if Dh continues with studies.

I don't get why it's not the other way round. I have the job but Dh's logic is he will eventually get the well paid job. Sod eventually - why does the fact I have vagina mean I have to stay at home and look after PFB? I have a career and interests too. He just sees her at evenings and on nice family days and I'm driving up the wall here desperate to work again.

Like I said, I love PFB but why should the fact I have boobies and gave birth mean I'm faced with this dilemma and Dh gets to waltz through guilt-free without any concerns or repercussions about how selfish he is if he goes back to work.

Any other MNers had a similar dilemma? What did you do? I'm not looking to get flamed for how selfish I am or that it was my choice to have kids. I stand where I stand on this and I want to balance both

OP posts:
FightOrFlight · 16/02/2015 23:44

Why don't you just both go out to work and put your baby into childcare?

MadameJulienBaptiste · 16/02/2015 23:45

So go back to work. I don't see the dilemma tbh.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/02/2015 23:45

When were you thinking of going back to work? It's not clear from your post.

If the babies only 8 weeks old are you still recovering?

If you're thinking now its quite early

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/02/2015 23:46

YANBU. My SIL told DB that she wanted to go back to work when DN was 2months old. He took paternity leave and has never regretted it. He loved being the primary carer so much that he never went back, preferring to set up his own business so he could spend more time with his DC.

Does your DH's college have a crèche?

LadyLuck10 · 16/02/2015 23:47

Why are you asking these questions after the baby and have not decided before? Besides you both can go back to work.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 16/02/2015 23:47

What others do isn't really relevant though is it? All that matters is you and your DH coming to an agreement about how you are going to jointly ensure your child is cared for and earn enough money to have the lifestyle you want.

You need to do a lot of talking if your views are currently not similar.

The only thing I would say is that it would be unreasonable of you to expect DH to ditch his PhD when he is very close to finishing. But what happens after that is entirely up for negotiation.

AnnieLobeseder · 16/02/2015 23:50

If you want to work, work. I'm with you, being a SAHP isn't my cup of tea either. But you can't dictate that your DH be one either,especially as he'll be looking forward to putting his shiny new PhD to work in a new job. So the solution is for you both to work. You may both need to work flexible hours to minimise the time your PFB's time in childcare, but with flexible jobs and a good childminder, it's very do-able to for both parents to work with a young baby. I went back to work when DD1 was only 4 months old.

Bluecarrot · 16/02/2015 23:51

What are the reasons you can't you go back to work other then having to pay for childcare? Could you be self employed as consultant and work around DPs studies, with baby in childcare part time?

LovesBooks · 16/02/2015 23:51

Hmm I can see your oh's point. He can't stay at home now he is so close to finished and he probably will earn more with a PhD but that's no reason why you both can't work. At any rate your baby is only 8 weeks old so you may feel differently soon. At 8 weeks I was tearing my hair out too! I was bored tired frustrated and lonely. But it's gets easier as the baby gets older. However have a big talk about it all with your oh about what happens when your maternity ends.

Original poster
MrsDutchie · 16/02/2015 23:51

Dh point blank refuses to get work until his PhD is done. Until that happens, we're poor, basically as I don't have any maternity benefits. I started my job the day after I found out I was pregnant. We're really really struggling for money.

It's as early as you want it to be TBH. I've already gone out, had an interview and meetings - baby in sling at 5 and 6 weeks old. She happily sleeps and I work on comms strategy with charity. I really enjoy it and it was nice to get a break.

If there was some way it was fairer in this country to balance work and childcare, I would do it in a flash. But there isn't and right now I think Dh should take the brunt of childcare until we can afford for him to finish his PhD. This logic does hit him really hard - he just assumed that I would stay at home when I have always made clear that I'm just not the type of person to be a SAHM. I really respect those who do but it's not me. He's really great with her and I don't see why I'm making all of the sacrifices (again).

OP posts:
DoctorDoctor · 16/02/2015 23:54

When does he realistically think he will submit? If there's a clear end in sight, I would stick it out and tell him you will swap as soon as he submits. If it's fuzzy or too far away, suggest he goes part time and then you can put baby into childcare part time and go back to work full time yourself. What discussions have you had about this in the past?

AnnieLobeseder · 16/02/2015 23:54

Oh, and having a vagina means there are expectations on you, sure, but it doesn't mean you have to accept them. Instead of resenting your DH for continuing his work and waltzing out of the door guilt-free, do the same thing! There's no need to feel guilty for the choices you make for yourself and your family, and nobody will ever pin a medal on you for making yourself a martyr to your family.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 16/02/2015 23:54

So you've both assumed that the other would look after your child rather than actually listening to what the other person was saying?

Confused
FightOrFlight · 16/02/2015 23:55

and I don't see why I'm making all of the sacrifices (again).

Sounds like you have bigger issues with your DH than just this one ...

PtolemysNeedle · 16/02/2015 23:56

You can go back to work if you want to, but you have no right to dictate what your DH does.

If he was a student when you conceived and this is what you planned, then you either need to stick to it, or work together on finding a way to enable you both to work.

Think about why you think is selfish for him to work but not selfish for you to work.

Tobeemoree · 16/02/2015 23:57

I get you, OP. DH was all for equality before DD was born. Almost as soon she was born (and proved to be pretty demanding, as infants go) it was up to me to give up my career.

Disclaimer: Neither of us could claim to be academics. But that made little difference to the way my (significantly higher earning) career got dropkicked when things got real.

AnnieLobeseder · 16/02/2015 23:58

But I will add, having just finished a PhD myself, you would be massively unreasonable to ask him to break from his studies now. It just doesn't work that was with a PhD, especially at the end. He'll be done soon. The timing sucks, to be sure, having a newborn at the end of his studies, but you really can't ask him to stop.

applesandpears123 · 16/02/2015 23:58

This reply has been deleted

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Gruntfuttock · 17/02/2015 00:00

Like LadyLuck10 I'm wondering why you didn't sort out the logistics long ago. You're coming across as extremely angry and resentful, but all this should have been discussed and resolved as soon as you knew you were pregnant - or before that if your baby was planned.
Who will be looking after your "PFB" if neither of you want to?

GraysAnalogy · 17/02/2015 00:00

You accepted the circumstances. You knew your DP had a PHD to continue. Now you're changing the goalposts aren't you?

I would absolutely resent my DP not letting me have a few months to continue on my PHD.

It's nothing to do with the fact you just having a vagina. It's the fact you're the one giving birth and you're the only one entitled to leave and the one who can't just leave a PHD.

LadyLuck10 · 17/02/2015 00:01

So what did you think would happen op? He was a student then, so what did you expect/discuss for when the baby arrives. It would be very selfish of you to expect him to give it all up now.

Original poster
MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 00:01

We've discussed this loads and he won't budge. He has agreed to take her for one day a week but he will work all the others. To be fair, he reckons he can be finished in 3 months but his job prospects for after that are really weak as he won't apply for anything - he is determined to spend the next few months studying and applying for any jobs gets in the way of that he says. So that means it could be months before he finds something. I'm fine with this logic but just not right now - I wish he would make a more long term plan than 'if I just put my head down and keep going I'll eventually get there' - and that working on it part-time and having a later finish date in order to look after all of us is OK in the longer term. We're really poor because of this and scraping by on benefits and I'm more than capable of going back to work and changing that making a significant difference to our current conditions.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 17/02/2015 00:01

But I have to say, 8 weeks old and you already yearn to be running off back to work? Really?

SistersOfPercy · 17/02/2015 00:03

Apple, please do clarify that you are saying there that anyone who puts a child into nursery when they can afford to have a parent at home is a 'selfish prick' because that's what it reads like and I'm sure you really aren't THAT stupid.

GraysAnalogy · 17/02/2015 00:03

We're really poor because of this and scraping by on benefits and I'm more than capable of going back to work and changing that making a significant difference to our current conditions.

Sorry but that's how it works. You seemingly have your independence and able to work for a good wage. Your DP is doing the same. He's trying to get the qualification to better your family yet you think he should stay at home whilst you carry on bringing in the bucks. That isn't fair.

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