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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell Dh I no longer want to be SAHM to 2 month old and to be a SAHD?

283 replies

MrsDutchie · 16/02/2015 23:41

Dh is a PhD student in the final stages of submitting his research. I've been on mat leave since November and whilst I love PFB to bits, I don't want to be a SAHM much longer - it's driving me crazy. I miss my work so much I've taken on part-time consultancy work with a charity. If I go back to work, a fair amount of the money goes straight back to childcare if Dh continues with studies.

I don't get why it's not the other way round. I have the job but Dh's logic is he will eventually get the well paid job. Sod eventually - why does the fact I have vagina mean I have to stay at home and look after PFB? I have a career and interests too. He just sees her at evenings and on nice family days and I'm driving up the wall here desperate to work again.

Like I said, I love PFB but why should the fact I have boobies and gave birth mean I'm faced with this dilemma and Dh gets to waltz through guilt-free without any concerns or repercussions about how selfish he is if he goes back to work.

Any other MNers had a similar dilemma? What did you do? I'm not looking to get flamed for how selfish I am or that it was my choice to have kids. I stand where I stand on this and I want to balance both

OP posts:
LovesBooks · 17/02/2015 00:08

But how is it fair on your oh to give up his PhD so you can go back to work. Did you not discuss anything before this baby was born because I am struggling to understand why this is all happening now. I can see the logic of what you are saying but your oh can quit when he is so near now and assuming you did all agree with this before your baby was born. If you oh can do 2 days childcare, then perhaps you then work 5 days paying for childcare for 3, or perhaps your oh could look for student childcare grants.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones1984 · 17/02/2015 00:08

YANBU.

I can't imagine the reverse, somehow. A mother doing the PHD, not getting any paid employment, but expecting the father to be a sahd and do all the childcare.

OP, I think your dh needs to be much more flexible. Presumably you planned this baby together, imho, he needs to take on some of the childcare responsibilities - if necessary juggling this with his PHD - and allow you to go back to work.

Original poster
MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 00:09

Let's be clear: a PFB isn't being dumped into childcare by selfish parents. That's not the issue here Gruntfuttock

I don't have a choice, really. With no income from Dh who is also as a foreign national and full time student not entitled to benefits - our only help for our finances is me returning to a job which I actually have so that all three of us can survive. We are living off £1000 a month in London which is what I'm entitled to.

Being a SAHP isn't for me - so what? Does it have to be?

I'm not expecting Dh to give up his PhD but we're struggling too too much right now and I'm frustrated that I can't do something about it.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2015 00:12

If you're fine with the logic then you need to let him finish his PhD.

He can't just drop it now and get a job or it will be wasted. You don't really want him to have wasted 4 years?

Why did you plan a family for right this second? Wouldn't it have been better getting maternity benefits or waiting til he finished his phd.

And if it wasn't planned it would be extremely unfair to jeopardise his future by stopping the PhD.

He needs to finish. And it's incredibly hard to be also applying for jobs while your whole focus is getting to the end of the doctorate.

Arsenic · 17/02/2015 00:12

What is the screaming hurry? This is all about a few months. A PhD is valuable. Your baby is tiny.

By August he got have his doctorate and be jobhunting, baby will be bigger...... It's not that long.

Arsenic · 17/02/2015 00:13

he will have his doctorate... Confused

FightOrFlight · 17/02/2015 00:14

If hes a foreign national and not entitled to benefits is he entitled to seek work in this country?

LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2015 00:15

X posted

Fine, complain about struggling - you have every right to whinge Smile

And no one expects you to be a SAHM - go back to work when you can afford it. And by afford it I mean afford childcare so your DH doesn't have to give up his PhD to be at home with the baby - as that's daft when he's so close to finishing.

Arsenic · 17/02/2015 00:16

Probably Fight. Doubtless 'no recourse to public funds', which only makes maximising his job prospects and potential earning power more important.

LovesBooks · 17/02/2015 00:16

Then go back to work, put the baby in childcare and ask your oh to do at least 1-2 days of childcare himself lowering the childcare costs.

No one says you have to enjoy being a sahp but don't rush into anything. Your baby is still practically a newborn, the hardest stage which may be clouding your judgement. You may resent your oh when you return to work when you find you are missing the first of everything of your baby's first year so think a lot about it.

Is part time and tax credits a possibility for both of you? Working around each other?

Original poster
MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 00:16

GraysAnalogy - you mean like the Dads are able to do? It's precisely your logic that sets gender equality back a century or two.

I didn't come on here to validate why I don't want to be a SAHP. I'm looking for other Mums who have had a similar experience or feeling and what they did about it.

I'm also not here to validate why I could be so heinous a mother as to leave an '8 week old" - note how the rhetoric has changed from 2 months.

So unless you have anything helpful to say, jog on.

OP posts:
Theoretician · 17/02/2015 00:17

I'm going to assume the pregnancy wasn't an accident, and that there was a plan for who would do what. In that case it is you being unreasonable for unilaterally trying to force a change in the terms by appealing to an outside authority (the opinion of MN.)

If you'd told him beforehand that he needed to suspend studies or there'd be be no baby now, my guess is he'd have chosen the no baby now option.

Arsenic · 17/02/2015 00:19

But OP, when one is discussing an 8wk/2mth old, it isn't accurate to frame this as being about being a SAHM/SAHD. It's about who is taking a paternity/maternity break.

crocodiledundeelady · 17/02/2015 00:19

Woah you're getting some crazy judgment on here. YA Definitely NBU. As others say there's no reason your dh should give uphis career either. But yes it completely sucks that there is a social and, as it seems for you, household expectation that the woman gives up her job. The good thing is that you know what you want - to go back to work. Now you need to sit down with your dh and plan how that is going to happen. I guess either by you looking for work right now and then paying for childcare with your dh doing wraparound (I did a PhD and don't think that is unreasonable to expect a doctoral student to do some childcare) or maybe by you doing childcare til he submits then him staying at home for a couple of years while you work ( depending on his discipline could he get academic work done as a sahp?). Or if he is not too far along on the doctorate he could potentially take a year out of his studies? I know several people who did this in their PhDs and it seems to be relatively easy to arrange (though harder id imagine in sciences if you're working with others in a lab). Whatever happens, don't feel bullied into giving up your career. As you say - why should it be you? But at the same time a 6 month or year out is not difficult to come back from. Good luck.

Gruntfuttock · 17/02/2015 00:20

This reply has been deleted

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LadyLuck10 · 17/02/2015 00:20

You are still not answering what you both decided to do when you found out you were pregnant? What plan did you both have for when the baby arrives?

Arsenic · 17/02/2015 00:21

Grunt! Shock

TheRealYellowWiggle · 17/02/2015 00:23

My dp finished a PhD while staying at home with our dd.
He worked during the naps and on the evening, weekends too. I was out at work. Surely he has some flexibility to step up re childcare?

Original poster
MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 00:24

Surprise baby - who, by the way, is very much wanted and loved. It is precisely because I love PFB that I'm desperate to do something to help and I'm feeling frustrated that I can't.

For those who are telling me to just wait a few months for Dh to finish his PhD. We don't have a few months!!!! We are penniless. Dh's only suggestion was for us to up and leave to his country and live with his parents for him to finish and then look for a job.

I understand these are his dreams and I'm not trying to be some dream crusher. I'm trying to think realistically for the next few months and ways we can plan so he can finish his PhD and apply for a good job - which I know he will. But right now we need to afford rent, food and bills, and I'm the only one with a paying job. We literally can't get through the next month and a half, and we're getting desperate.

OP posts:
Arsenic · 17/02/2015 00:25

OP In all seriousness, what is wrong with; first few months, you do bulk of childcare and some charity consulting while he writes up; next few months, he does bulk of childcare and jobhunts while you work; after that, you both work?

That's dictated by pragmatism and logic rather than patriarchy and structural inequality, no?

crocodiledundeelady · 17/02/2015 00:25

Also I don't know what the job market in his discipline is like but in many fields it is crazy. And sadly it's harder for non EU people due to visa costs for employers. Does your dh have a postdoc or job lined up? If not he could be a long time on the job market. It would be crazy if you didn't go back to work at that point anyway wouldn't it?

TheRealYellowWiggle · 17/02/2015 00:26

I do struggle with the idea that you hate ML this much after only two months, but I realise all mothers are different - I was very happy to have a full year even though it was a struggle mentally at times.

Arsenic · 17/02/2015 00:26

X post. So this is all about desperate economic imperative and not about gender roles?

antimatter · 17/02/2015 00:27

this isn't problem:
If there was some way it was fairer in this country to balance work and childcare, I would do it in a flash.
because you can work if you want to!

whilst the problem is here:

he just assumed that I would stay at home when I have always made clear that I'm just not the type of person to be a SAHM.

lack of communication!

Arsenic · 17/02/2015 00:29

Can you negotiate him up from one day of childcare a week to two, get formal childcare for the other three days and return to work on that basis?

There will be a bit more profit in it if you only have the cost of 3/5 of FT childcare. And he still has three days plus w/ends to write up.