to tell Dh I no longer want to be SAHM to 2 month old and to be a SAHD?

[MrsDutchie]

Dh is a PhD student in the final stages of submitting his research. I've been on mat leave since November and whilst I love PFB to bits, I don't want to be a SAHM much longer - it's driving me crazy. I miss my work so much I've taken on part-time consultancy work with a charity. If I go back to work, a fair amount of the money goes straight back to childcare if Dh continues with studies.

I don't get why it's not the other way round. I have the job but Dh's logic is he will eventually get the well paid job. Sod eventually - why does the fact I have vagina mean I have to stay at home and look after PFB? I have a career and interests too. He just sees her at evenings and on nice family days and I'm driving up the wall here desperate to work again.

Like I said, I love PFB but why should the fact I have boobies and gave birth mean I'm faced with this dilemma and Dh gets to waltz through guilt-free without any concerns or repercussions about how selfish he is if he goes back to work.

Any other MNers had a similar dilemma? What did you do? I'm not looking to get flamed for how selfish I am or that it was my choice to have kids. I stand where I stand on this and I want to balance both

I went back to work when both my sons were 8 weeks old. They turned out very well, and so did my career. 20 years ago 3 months was quite normal and 6 months about the max. I was self employed and really couldn't cope with life at home.

SolomanDaisy - the plan was I'd take about 3 months. Since PFB was born, Dh has moved the goalposts and expects me to fill the gaps.

Different women do experience the period post birth differently. I personally started part time consulting at 5 weeks and was about and about with PFB from 5 days.

I think you will struggle to get childcare for such a young baby. Once baby is 6 months old you can find a nursery place/childminder/whatever you prefer. At that point I'd go back to work FT assuming you have a job lined up or won't struggle to find one. Also I think working FT when baby is so small is not so good for you either - having a baby is a major upheaval for your body and there are other issues around leaving such a young baby as Daisy has just posted above.

At the moment, to deal with your immediate cash problems, I'm not so sure what the solution is. But it would seem sensible for you to work part-time 2-3 days a week. Your DP will have to look after the baby. If baby is anything like mine it will sleep a lot anyway and he can get a lot done around its naps. Also can you work flexibly/from home some of the time so you can also work around baby? DP might only have to sacrifice 1.5 days a week and that still leaves a lot of time for PhD writing-up.

None of this seems insurmountable to me assuming that you can find work. If you need the cash you need the cash and your DP has to accept that getting into major debt because he won't compromise is not an option.

There are a lot of unanswered questions here. Clearly neither of you wants to be a sahp, but you cannot afford childcare. This just logically means that the employed parent returns to work and the student parent stays home with the baby until affordable childcare is found or he writes up the phd around pfb. That is the most sensible solution. Once dh has a job, you can afford childcare.

You never answered the question about a creche at his uni. Or other childcare options. what was the agreed plan that you two had in place for childcare?? I don't understand why this is an issue. Has he changed the rules, or have you, or was there no agreed plan?

PFB has been with me to most consulting meetings. She sleeps in her wrap whilst I work and it's been lovely. I know how lucky I am to do that. I was very clear when I took up the role that PFB would be with me a lot. And I intend to keep that flexibility at work as much as I can.

xposted. So he is now refusing to honour his agreement. Set a start date at work and tell him that, as agreed, he is a ft parent from that date.

MyOneandYoni I think it was probably twenty years ago that people only got three months maternity leave. Whether or not nurseries are "deskilled" when it comes to looking after very young babies the ones I looked at 15 years ago all had a minimum age which was at least three months.
I doubt that paid childcare is an option at the moment.

Creche is available at his uni - it's all about balancing costs at the moment, which is what I'm doing.

We do both want to look after her and we do both want to work (as well as needing) so it's a question of finding a route through that, that is best for PFB.

My initial frustration was that I thought - perhaps wrongly - that Dh should take on the bulk of responsibility for the near future and avoid using a nursery which I'm not 100% happy with right now as she is 8 weeks.

We'd agreed I'd look after her for the first 3 months whilst Dh finished his PhD. This is however already taking longer.

It will take longer. After he has submitted he'll have to focus on his viva, then (possibly) on getting the corrrections done. It could be ages until he is ready to apply for jobs - and that could take a while as well.

"20 years ago 3 months was quite normal"

This. You had 18 weeks maternity leave total, normally 6 weeks before the birth and 12 weeks after.

What seems odd to me here is the suggestion that your DH should finish writing up as his full time job. I don't know anyone who did this. Once you get to the end of the PhD term, you go on to something else, whether that's a job, a postdoc, whatever. You write up in your spare time.

If his funded PhD term is over, he should be applying for jobs now. Or doing the childcare. Doing nothing except writing up, when you overrun, is a massive luxury which almost nobody can afford, and clearly you can't.

just to add - she's 8 weeks now and you agreed on 3 months. If your DH pulls his finger out, he really should be able to make a huge dent in what needs writing in another 5 weeks. How much is left to do?

What seems odd to me here is the suggestion that your DH should finish writing up as his full time job. I don't know anyone who did this. Once you get to the end of the PhD term, you go on to something else, whether that's a job, a postdoc, whatever. You write up in your spare time.

That is not what i have seen in my experience but i guess it depends on the field of study?

I don't see how you insist that your dh become a sahd dad IF affordable childcare is available. If he will not be home with her, and you need/want to work, and you can afford the uni creche and get a place, then use the creche. It is not child abuse to put your baby into approved, high quality childcare. But I agree that as the current wage earner, you should be working and he should be compromising on this. You are not crushing his dream. If he needs to look after his baby for some months to make it all work, then that's parenthood.

OP,needs must!

Put your baby on formula and send for MIL or an 'Aunty'.

Some cultures will never be at ease with the idea of stay at home fathers.Is this perhaps the problem?

Mary well, it was 10 years ago when I went back to work full time and left my five month old in nursery.
3 years later I then had another child and I went back to work when she was 7 weeks although she didn't actually need full time nursery until 3 months old (that was my choice though, and I didn't want to muddy the waters on this thread).
Plenty of nurseries will take them younger if that's what you choose to do as a family.
I was just trying to give the OP different options - whist it's fabulous that we can take longer for maternity leave, it isn't compulsory.

MyOneandYoni I'm not sure what your point is. Your children were over three months when you left them at nursery so it doesn't demonstrate that they will take babies at two months. If the minimum age 15 years ago was 3 months in most nurseries it's not likely to be lower than that now especially considering that maternity leave is often longer.

The 'writing up' year is often (in my field anyway) an extra year after the 3 years of funding is exhausted. The student - supposedly - does not receive much supervision because they do not pay a full registration fee -- at my place they pay a risible £200 or so (although IME, it's this extra year in which universities get no income for teaching them, when they're most needy & demanding of staff time).

In my field, most people have to work at least part-time if they haven't submitted after their funding has run out. And very very rarely does anyone walk into another job straight away. Especially if, like the OP's DH, they refuse to apply for anything.

The more I read about the DH in this thread, the more annoyed I am at his self-centredness. The OP's baby sounds gorgeous: I'm glad she at least has a mother who is thinking of how to feed & house her!

Is there any more reasonable a circumstance for a mother to want to return to work than the OPs, whatever the age of the baby? OP has little income and a husband who can't/won't work for months. What are they supposed to live off before his (theoretical) paycheck arrives?

There's not much point being around for cuddles if you can't pay for rent/bills/food. Not suggesting anyones destitute but come on, taking responsibility for your financial security is surely a good thing?

I have friends/colleagues who have done masters/MBAs/PHDs. All worked at least part time, some full time. Surely the dh can look after his child sometimes.

I have not read all 11 pages of this very long thread, but could it be possible for grandparents to watch baby 2 days a week then pay for childcare the rest of the time needed?

Glad to see you came back OP despite the shitstorm!

I was thinking about this last night, so I came back to waffle my thoughts.

Can you do a staged return?

So until DD is 3 months (as per the original plan) you continue as you are.
Then for the 4th month you work 2 days a week, DH cares for DD then (unless you want and are able to take her with you).
For the 5th and 6th months you do 3-4 days a week, DH does 2-3, DD attends a childminder or whatever for 1.
From 6 months on you can revisit the plan and see how it's going but either DH or the childminder/nursery care for DD and you got back full time.

It would allow you to have the time you're enjoying with PFB and allow DH to het used to the idea and reality of caring for her as well as letting PFB get used to alternative (to you or DH) care as she grows, which will make it easier on everyone as and when DH also returns to work.

I know that is not the fast solution you may be looking for, but I was thinking a "boiling a frog" approach might work better on your DH than trying to get him to change his sexist ideas overnight.

My point, Mary was that it's not so unheard of to return to work before the baby is one, and that there are nurseries around that will accommodate this (i.e kids unlimited will take form 3 months).
If this enables the OP to get back to the workplace without confronting her partner about dropping his PhD, it is doable.
(Then perhaps when he sees what a massive chunk of household income it takes up, he might want to re-organise his time...)

(Oh, and the 3 month thing is that it won't happen overnight - you have to plan to send them and that there is a space available. I'm sure OP doesn't want to go back to work tomorrow...

MyOneandYoni Nobody suggested that it was unheard of women to go back to work before the baby was 1. You stated that nurseries would accept a baby at 2 and a half months though which is not usually the case anymore and wasn't even the case 15 years ago.

Well, I must have been imagining it ten and seven years ago.

I wonder where I left them them?

OP- good luck whatever your decision. There is no perfect answer to the work/division of labour/childcare dilemma - we all just bumble along making the choice that seems the least worst at the time...

My DH has a phd. It has definitely led to him getting a well paid job in industry. Fortunately we had no kids when he was writing up and I had a full time job, and he was very lucky that he got a job offer quickly and had the luxury to finish his phd before starting, but he did apply for jobs while writing up. I do understand how stressful and how important those last few months can be though.

I think if your DH is writing up then he could do 2 days childcare during the week, allowing you to work those days and he gets 2 undisturbed weekend days. this may not be ideal in his opinion, but needs must! He definitely should start applying for proper jobs though. Madness to not start thinking about that!