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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not of told DS that DP isn't his biological dad

167 replies

WrappedInABlankie · 16/02/2015 21:45

going off another thread (not a TAAT) my nearly 3 year old doesn't know DP isn't his biological dad, tbh DS wouldn't understand I don't think. He loves my DP, adores him and vice versa and it's lovely to see.

Now DS's dad was EA,Violent, and I'm currently reporting him for historic rape and getting a non-molestation order.

He applied for contact when DS was a baby, and no contact was granted after a year of him taking me to court as he was more interested in me and my DP (asked the courts to perform a DBS check, background check told everyone he was a paedophile, child abuser etc even tried to get him banned from attending the contact centre with me for suppor), he refused to pay for the contact centre (when he did pay about 5 times, DS would cry and he wouldn't be allowed in the room till he was calm which by then the time would of been over. On one occasion they had to remind him to say hello to him!) and kept wanting to meet in a "mutual place" i.e mine or his place where we'd be alone and I wouldn't allow it.

What I'm worried about is if he now he applies to go back to court for access to DS the CAFCASS and him will raise that DS doesn't know that DP isn't his dad. Me and DP are expecting our first DS together. Should I of told him?

It devastates me that this 'man' is his dad it he's horrid. I don't want to lie to DS obviously but I just wish I didn't have to tell him and he'd never find out IYSWIM?

OP posts:
magoria · 16/02/2015 21:53

I think it would be easier for him to know that he has a dad and a biological father now than find it out somehow in the future.

It is not too late to try and introduce it at a low level without making it a massive point.

Rosieliveson · 16/02/2015 21:53

What a difficult situation. I am so sorry for you.
I have no experience of this but could you maybe start reading stories about blended families, adoption etc so that you can pave the way for this conversation when your DS is ready. This might also work in your favour in any future court situations.
Another idea could be to introduce the word 'father' with regards to the biological parent. That would keep it separate in his mind rather than two dads or daddies.
Hope this can give you a few ideas if nothing more, sorry I can't be more helpful

Rosieliveson · 16/02/2015 21:55

cross post Smile

AddToBasket · 16/02/2015 21:56

I think this would have been better in Relationships not AIBU.

Sorry, but you have to introduce the idea that his daddy is not his biological daddy soon. Not fair to save it up as a shock for him later.

canyou · 16/02/2015 21:58

be honest now, keep it simple but factual.
My Dbro has a DSS and was in his life from 7 months. They just said DBro is Daddy but when he was born he had a different Daddy but that daddy could not be around and he knew DS would want a nice Daddy so Dbro is his Daddy now. Yes they ask q but if they know early on they ask less and are accepting DSs is now 13 and sees Dbro as dad and that is it

MetallicBeige · 16/02/2015 21:58

He's only very young, you can start to introduce the idea now without it being a huge shock. If he grows up knowing it won't be a big deal, just part of his 'story' iyswim?

I know it must be horrible, especially as his biological father isn't a nice person, but your son deserves to know his background. It will cause far more priblems later if it's kept from him.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/02/2015 21:59

It all depends on ds level of understanding, op has said at this point she dies not think he would understand. I would try and talk about it using age aporopriate books and see how he responds. If he does not understand, leave it for a bit and try when he is a bit older. It s very difficult for a toddler to understand I feel.

SaucyJack · 16/02/2015 21:59

Has he asked about the birds and the bees as you're pregnant?

Maybe give him a little chat about it and slip something in about his biological father.

Charlotte3333 · 16/02/2015 22:01

I think it's better to acknowledge things like that gently while they're young enough for it not to be a big deal. ES' Dad and I split when he was 5 months, when he was 18 months I met now-DH. DH was "Nath" for a couple of years, then when we had YS ES began to call DH Daddy. ES is 9 but fully understands who's who and we've left it to him to decide wether he wants to call DH Dad or not and, though his Dad isn't a constant or regular presence, he's always accepted that's just how things are.

As a child I grew up for the first ten years in foster care. A lot of things are hidden or buried when you're a child, and surprises about who you are and where you come from feel as though they're rocking your world (in a negative way) when they blindside you as a teen. I'd always say be as open as you can.

steppeinginto2015 · 16/02/2015 22:01

I think your ds will be very shocked and hurt if at some point when he is older he discovers that DP isn't his dad. It would be like discovering aged 10 that you are adopted. It is highly recommended that you tell children early.
You could introduce this in a very low key way, so it is a piece of information that is always there, but has no emotional attachment. So, maybe in his baby book have a photo which is your father, and then a photo of DP who came and met you as a baby and loves you, and became your Daddy.

Rosieliveson · 16/02/2015 22:03

when he was born he had a different Daddy but that daddy could not be around and he knew DS would want a nice Daddy so Dbro is his Daddy now

YY to this. I think it makes a difficult situation sound simple and understandable.

squoosh · 16/02/2015 22:04

I'm happy for your son that he sees his stepfather as his dad, his biological father sounds like a monster. I agree though you need to start telling him that he has a biological father, that way it won't come as a massive shock when he finds out at 10 or 16 or 21. And he will find out.

Good luck!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 16/02/2015 22:10

Yes, you should tell him, a little bit of information at a time, in an age appropriate way.

My DD is 7. She knows that DH was married before, she knows she was conceived through IVF. None of it was a shock.

MrsMook · 16/02/2015 22:10

Better to do it when they are young so it's just assimilated and not a bombshell.

I have an unconventional family and casually mention the cast of extended family that DS (4) rarely sees so that he understands it as he grows up. Growing up, I just accepted my unusual circumstances. Curiosity didn't happen until I was much older. There weren't any secrets about my parentage.

The only awkward bit was for my "niece" when she found out that she was actually my cousin at about 8 years as her parents hadn't really explained some of the quirks of the family. It wasn't too much of a bombshell, but if it had concerned a more critical relationship it would be much harder to process.

Jollyphonics · 16/02/2015 22:12

You have to tell him, or it will come back to bite you one way or another.

My DCs were conceived by anonymous sperm donation, and I have always referred to "the man who helped to make them".

You don't need to try and explain the whole situation now (your DS is obviously too young), but you can introduce the idea, and then build on it gradually as he gets older and his understanding increases.

Transporter · 16/02/2015 22:14

I think honesty is best too. Something like that suggested by Canyou

OddFodd · 16/02/2015 22:15

I agree with everyone else. However horrible his bio dad is, your DS deserves to know the truth.

I also know someone else in your situation who has gone on to have 2 further children with her new DP, both of who look very, very alike and just like their dad. It's increasingly obvious that DS1 isn't his child.

Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 16/02/2015 22:16

He hasn't asked any questions regarding me being pregnant he's 2.10 but he knows what a baby is, can point one out and i think he knows I'm having a baby, he'll go in the babies nursery and point to things and say it's the baby's but he hasn't asked about anything else.

I just wish i didn't have to tell him, i know I'm going to have to ofc i'm not denying that or saying on his 16th birthday but i think atm he won't understand IYSWIM.

It's hard because i hate talking to the man after what he's done to me, even if i read it to him I don't think he'd understand.

I just don't know how to tell him the DP is his daddy and loves him to pieces and this 'man' is just where some of him came from but he wasn't nice Sad

OP posts:
skylark2 · 16/02/2015 22:18

I agree with other posters. If you wait until he's old enough to really understand, you guarantee that it will be a horrible shock.

Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 16/02/2015 22:18

I'm not saying i'm never going to tell him!

What i meant was AIBU to not of told him now at this current age.

His BC is blank in that space as he wouldn't sign the decleration to be put on it

OP posts:
Rainicorn · 16/02/2015 22:19

Without a doubt, the earlier you tell him the better it will be in the long run.

I found out my dad wasn't my biological dad when I was 19. I had a really hard few years coping with it. Had I known when I was younger and not lied to most of my childhood then I think I would have coped much better.

squoosh · 16/02/2015 22:20

I think this is the time to start dropping simple bits of information about his bio Dad, not that he's not a nice man, just that he exists. So when he's older and looking back there'll never be a moment that he can pinpoint out as the day he learnt the truth.

OddFodd · 16/02/2015 22:28

If you tell him now, it will be something he's always known and he will just be a fact about him - like the fact he has curly hair or is good at running or whatever.

If you leave it, it becomes a much, much bigger deal.

I do appreciate it's hard but it's much better to do it now. Otherwise he's going to feel terribly betrayed.

DragonMamma · 16/02/2015 22:34

I think I know the thread you're referring to.

I started telling my DD when she was 3 and I was pg with DS.

I never wanted a 'sit down, we have something to tell you' conversation as I felt it would be too damaging for her so I started young and it's just part of her history now. She's just turned 7 and she would be devestated if I started telling her now, I think.

Fwiw, she didn't give two hoots when I first told her - it was a non-event even though I was nervous as hell!

Purplepoodle · 16/02/2015 22:35

He won't understand now but if you keep it low level and gently introduce the topic it will make it much easier for him.

My cousin met her DH when her dd by her ex was 8 months. He actually legally adopted her by the time she was 3. But cousin always made the point of saying to dd that she had a biological daddy but he couldn't look after her so dh had chosen to be her daddy which makes him just as special. Her daughter always knew and it was never a big deal. Her mum asked her every few years if she wanted to meet her bio dad and her dd would always reply 'no Iv already got my dad'. She's 21 now and shows no desire to find her father and I think that's mainly because her mum was so open and honest.