To not of told DS that DP isn't his biological dad

[WrappedInABlankie]

going off another thread (not a TAAT) my nearly 3 year old doesn't know DP isn't his biological dad, tbh DS wouldn't understand I don't think. He loves my DP, adores him and vice versa and it's lovely to see.

Now DS's dad was EA,Violent, and I'm currently reporting him for historic rape and getting a non-molestation order.

He applied for contact when DS was a baby, and no contact was granted after a year of him taking me to court as he was more interested in me and my DP (asked the courts to perform a DBS check, background check told everyone he was a paedophile, child abuser etc even tried to get him banned from attending the contact centre with me for suppor), he refused to pay for the contact centre (when he did pay about 5 times, DS would cry and he wouldn't be allowed in the room till he was calm which by then the time would of been over. On one occasion they had to remind him to say hello to him!) and kept wanting to meet in a "mutual place" i.e mine or his place where we'd be alone and I wouldn't allow it.

What I'm worried about is if he now he applies to go back to court for access to DS the CAFCASS and him will raise that DS doesn't know that DP isn't his dad. Me and DP are expecting our first DS together. Should I of told him?

It devastates me that this 'man' is his dad it he's horrid. I don't want to lie to DS obviously but I just wish I didn't have to tell him and he'd never find out IYSWIM?

as i said SOMETHING WAS MENTIONED TODAY

how is that so hard for you to understand. I told you he doesn't bloody understand and something was said. do you get it?!?!

All the posters are right, OP. You need to tell him now, while he is too young to understand. If you wait until he understands that makes it different, and it makes it worse.

I understand that his conception was terrible for you. It may well be better for him that he never knows that. But you need to separate your feelings about that from what you tell him about his parentage. You may very well need professional help in doing that. But everyone is right about what you need to do, for the sake of your son.

jesus fucking christ. SOMETHING WAS MENTIONED TODAY WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Op has told her ds already, I am sure she will again in time. She is his parent and will use her best judgement like all aspects of parenting.

Wow. Things have moved along a lot since I posted yesterday but in answer to your question - our conversation went pretty much like how you described but replace Shrek for a bedtime story.
This went on for a long time but I could see she listened more intently each time and more importantly, I had my patter down to a T that I didn't feel sick or nervous when she eventually did start asking very basic questions.

I explained it that some men tell the seed grow and there's a baby. Then there's the dad's and DH is her dad because he loves and cares for her every day.

As she got older we discussed vwhat she thought a dad did etc and what that means to her.

By the time the SW came around at 6yo and started tentatively explaining the biology and practicalities of bio dads/actual dad, she knew it all already and told the SW about it. He was very impressed and said starting young meant that it was always just there and part of her historY.

Even though he may not really understand now, I absolutely recommend starting young so that you and she can get to grips with listening and discussing it as her understanding grows.

I haven't read the whole thread but I just wanted to add my tuppence worth. I was the child in this situation. When I was about 4 my mother told me after my two brothers had been born that even though we all had the same Daddy I was made from another seed that wasn't Daddy's. Then when I was about 6 she told me that because Daddy hadn't made me with his seed he was going to adopt me. That was pretty much it, my brothers never knew so there was never any "he's not your real Dad". I never felt confused or upset about the situation. It was never spoken about but I never felt it was a secret. I just knew and that was that.
As I got into my teens my mother told me that her and my biological father had already broken up when I was born, for whatever reason he didn't continue to see me but I had a lovely Daddy now so that was okay. I met my biological father couple of times when I was 18 out of curiosity and that was it.
In my opinion if it had been talked about openly as a family my brothers would've have most definitely made a point that their Daddy was not mine as we got older and I may have felt insecure. Now that we're in our twenties and everybody knows, they were shocked that I had known all along but there was no major drama and it's never really been mentioned since.

Sorry, I've just realised you have a DS not a DD!

OP don't let people railroad you into talking to your ds about this immediately. It's up to you to judge when's best.
A similar thing happened to me on here once with everyone frothing about how I hadn't spoke about my child's absent father to him at around the same age.
I ignored everyone and did it a few months later when I felt the time was right/ds would understand.
You know your child best.
I really don't think anyone who hasn't been in this situation understands how it feels to potentially burst your child's happy bubble.

As you said while I was still typing my post, something was mentioned today. That was "so hard to understand" because I am not in possession of a time machine or a CCTV camera trained permanently over your right shoulder. It's possible that TalkinPeace possesses one or other of these, but she's never mentioned it.

But yes, I "get" that this is a shitty situation and you want to follow your instincts but also get advice and want to tell your DS but also not want to tell him and you're pregnant and hormonal and stressed and dealing with legal hassle and your DS is your world and you shouldn't be HAVING to share any of this with your precious son because it should never have happened and yet you know you have to, somehow, sometime, and you don't want to ever have to think about his bio father but because DS is his son you not only have to but have to do it without scaring your DS by telling him the full truth and that all this is making you lash out at posters who are trying to help you and accuse them of saying things they didn't say and blame them for not knowing things they couldn't have known... but still, it would probably go better if you didn't.

Going back to your original OP. I think all you have to do for CAFCASS not to have an issue is show them the steps you have taken. I.e

We have these books on blended families
I have told him "...." Although I am not sure he understands as he is only 2.

Nobody could expect a 2 year old to fully understand this and if you have shown you have it in hand and have a plan there isn't much they can say.

But it doesn't sound like the biological father has approached the courts yet so you have a bit of time and you can do it at a pace you feel comfortable with.

yves at 16:58 I said I had said something. You weren't typing your post I've said it numerous times since then! Anyone who has asked since then doesn't need a time machine they just need to be able to read a thread,

I agree with you OP, two is too young. You can tell him now, and unless you keep regularly drilling it into his head he won't remember in another 6 months. If he didn't really take it in today, leave it. If and when you get a Cafcass letter you can broach the subject.

But when you do eventually have the talk, it would be great if your DP could be in on it too. I found out about my biological DF when my DM walked past while I was doing homework, dropped a letter on my textbook and said over her shoulder 'That's from your real Dad'. My 'other' Dad said nothing. It wasn't a nice way to be told. I would go along the same lines as adoptive parents, playing up how awesome it is for him to have your DP because he actually chose to be one of your DS's Daddies. And some kids can be so sensitive, I wouldn't tell him that his other Dad is bad. That could be frightening. It's not a talk for a two year old in my opinion.

CAFCASS sound like a pack of cunts by the way. Sorry for anyone going through it.

Gatorade i'm so sorry she told you like that! I can't imagine what that must feel like. I think I'm going to do it when he's old enough to register what I'm saying and understand but young enough that he won't be upset.

Wrapped - what do think he might be upset about?

It must be such a hard situation :( Of course you don't want to lie to him and pretend his dad was someone that you loved but at the same time you don't want him to internalise something like "My dad was/is a bad man, that might mean I have badness inside me too".

I wonder if an organisation such as Rape Crisis might have guidance on how to handle this very sensitive issue? I'm so sorry that you went through that.

I've found some resources. I wouldn't recommend trawling through google unless you're feeling particularly strong as there's a lot of triggering and/or judgemental, upsetting stuff out there.

I'd also recommend looking into counselling specifically aimed at sexual abuse survivors. Whether you have had counselling or not to help deal with this issue, just specifically for how to speak to your DS and explain things - whatever age you choose to do that - helping you to separate it from your own feelings, if that makes sense.

There are the links I've found, but I think real life professional assistance would be the best. I know Rape Crisis have centres across the UK and there are localised places too. If you're anywhere near Coventry, CRASAC are absolutely brilliant.

About adopted children but also talks about women raising their own child with difficult history

There's a Slate article which is informal in style, it had some interesting ideas of ways to word it. "He wanted to be with me more than I wanted to be with him" as a euphemistic explanation for a young child, and "He hurt/injured me, and I couldn't risk him hurting you so that's why you've never known him" for an older child/young teenager and then confirming that, yes, the "hurt" was rape in adulthood/late teens if they ask and the situation seems right.

For now, it's just important that he knows your DH is his real dad, the one who is there for him, the one who matters, but that he wasn't always there and/or it was a different person who made him biologically, because I think that would come as the biggest shock when he is older if it's suddenly taken away from him. To have the true identity of your birth father as a mystery is something which will naturally unravel anyway, when he's younger and his only experience of adults is someone nice, he'll assume he was nice. As he gets older and realises not everyone is nice he'll put two and two together and realise he might be, but also may not have been, add in the fact that he's never met or seen him and come to the conclusion himself that he wasn't nice. Whether he knows the exact circumstances of his conception at that point is probably irrelevant.