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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not of told DS that DP isn't his biological dad

167 replies

WrappedInABlankie · 16/02/2015 21:45

going off another thread (not a TAAT) my nearly 3 year old doesn't know DP isn't his biological dad, tbh DS wouldn't understand I don't think. He loves my DP, adores him and vice versa and it's lovely to see.

Now DS's dad was EA,Violent, and I'm currently reporting him for historic rape and getting a non-molestation order.

He applied for contact when DS was a baby, and no contact was granted after a year of him taking me to court as he was more interested in me and my DP (asked the courts to perform a DBS check, background check told everyone he was a paedophile, child abuser etc even tried to get him banned from attending the contact centre with me for suppor), he refused to pay for the contact centre (when he did pay about 5 times, DS would cry and he wouldn't be allowed in the room till he was calm which by then the time would of been over. On one occasion they had to remind him to say hello to him!) and kept wanting to meet in a "mutual place" i.e mine or his place where we'd be alone and I wouldn't allow it.

What I'm worried about is if he now he applies to go back to court for access to DS the CAFCASS and him will raise that DS doesn't know that DP isn't his dad. Me and DP are expecting our first DS together. Should I of told him?

It devastates me that this 'man' is his dad it he's horrid. I don't want to lie to DS obviously but I just wish I didn't have to tell him and he'd never find out IYSWIM?

OP posts:
JsOtherHalf · 16/02/2015 22:37

Have a look on some of the book synopsises here. It might help the conversation with your DS.

www.healthybooks.org.uk/category/68/

Gruntfuttock · 16/02/2015 22:37

Wouldn't it better to steer clear of using terms like "real dad" and instead opt for "first dad". It might be upsetting and confusing if you told him that your DP isn't his real dad, but if you explained that he isn't his first dad and that when he was tiny he had another dad. You reassure him that your DP is his dad now. Is that an option?

Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 16/02/2015 22:38

Dragon how did you tell her?

Like what do you say because if I sit him down and go "sweetie you're special because you have a daddy how choose to love you and be a daddy you also have a father who helped make you but couldn't be a daddy" he'll reply with can we watch shrek? lol

OP posts:
steppeinginto2015 · 16/02/2015 22:42

wrapped, actually that is probably exactly what will happen, he will be uninterested and move on. You repeat the same 2-3 sentences every so often, and eventually it is just a piece of information he knows, like he knows that eg Granny doesn't live in the same house as Granddad (or whatever)

TraceyTrickster · 16/02/2015 22:50

if you read about adopted and donor kids, the first telling is to get you used to the idea of using words.

Something like 'to make a baby it takes a seed from a man and an egg from a woman and these make a baby. The seed did not come from DP, but from another man'....and then you build on it and answer questions as they arise as you tell him this story again and again. Far easy than having a BIG conversation when they can understand so much more.
Being pregnant is great as it leads the way into a conversation like this very naturally.

DamselNotInHerDress · 16/02/2015 22:56

I agree that he deserves to know, but don't think YABU not to have told him yet.
My youngest it 3.3 and would have no idea what the information meant at that age so would probably do it myself when he was 4/5 and old enough to understand.
Never been in the situation myself though so not really qualified to comment.

A friend of mine has still not told her 17yo ds that his dad isn't his bio father. I find it a bit Shock as its fairly common knowledge in the town we live that she had a relationship with x and had a baby then got together with y (after x knocked her out a few times and ran her over).
I worry that he'll find out in a couple of years down the pub. She sometimes tells me that she feels dreadful but she's left it so late that it's harder to bring up. I feel for them all. At the time, she welcomed y as a lovely person who helped her forget all about horrible x and wanted to put it all behind her. At some point it's all got to be dragged up again.

So yes, easier in the long run to do it early, but Imo choose a time when it may be understood.

Invizicat · 16/02/2015 22:57

What about telling Ds his story as a story?

Once upon a time there was a lady called WrappedinaBlankie who lived with a man called (XP). One day Blankie discovered a wonderful thing - she and XP had made a baby that was growing in her tummy! How happy she was etc etc. Sadly XP wasn't kind so Blankie decided not to live with him any more and she went to live in (place). Finally after waiting and waiting and Blankie's tummy getting bigger and bigger a lovely baby boy was born. And that baby was called ....(DS's name)! Blankie was the happiest mum in the world and she and DS lived a happy life together in Place. There was just one thing Blankie wished - she wished that DS could have a kind daddy. (Then the story of meeting DP and DS ending up with a lovely daddy and how much you all love each other.)

Adapt according to your story -obs and tell it over and over in a fun way that DS can join in. And you may soon need to add a chapter to introduce DS's little brother. Congrats!

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2015 07:37

That a nice age appropriate way of explaining to your ds invizicat. Just take your cue from ds, if he doesent understand wait until he's a bit older and more able to comprehend.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2015 08:04

Or use toys and use a play therapy way of telling him. But he is still only little and if he is not understanding or interested at that time, wait a year or so, until he is more able to comprehend such information.

Transporter · 17/02/2015 08:25

The story is a great idea but I might soften the 'XP wasn't kind' even more and keep things as light and simple as possible while he is still so little.

Scotchmincepie · 17/02/2015 08:44

tell him, be as open as you can wothout making a big deal of it. My dad died when I was v young and nobody ever talked about it. As an imaginative child I made up all sorts of crap about it.

Try and have it as matter of fact, everyone knows and as he asks questions when he gets older just answer them.

GokTwo · 17/02/2015 08:55

I agree with Stepping. It's much easier to introduce things like this in a gentle, matter of fact way when they are young. Then it just becomes part of their lives. If you do it when they are older it is like a "big thing". Maybe start it like a story, that's what I did for my Dd. Not the same situation exactly but still a similar scenario of a biological dad that can't look after them and a different, fabulous parent who came along later.

HighwayDragon · 17/02/2015 08:56

This baby has a bit of mummy and daddy to make it, your daddy isn't the daddy that helped make you but that doesn't matter.

dd tells people she has 2 dads, one that helped to make her and one that takes care of her at home with mummy.

GokTwo · 17/02/2015 08:57

Didn't see that post from Scotch but totally agree. One of the main reasons I told Dd very early on was so she didn't build her DF up in her head to become this exciting, mysterious person.

wannabestressfree · 17/02/2015 09:04

Children are very excepting the younger you introduce it. I never referred to my ds2's father as a dad/ father though. He has always been X (his first name). And he sees him once in a blue moon (ds is 13). I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2015 09:06

Op you know your ds, there are some really good suggestions. Always be open and honest with ds when he asks. Keep it simple. That way you have told him, but he is still only little.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2015 09:06

Introduce more information the older he gets.

ArcheryAnnie · 17/02/2015 09:15

I'm a bit argh at some of the language used here - it seems very clear from what the OP posted that her DP is her DS's dad, and her DS is her DP's son, whatever the genetics of the case. The man she left is her DS's biological progenitor, not a parent in any meaningful way.

I'd tell your DS, OP, but I'd steer well clear of any language that describes your ex as your DS's daddy or whatever - just as his biological father, not his "real" dad, which is your DP.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/02/2015 09:23

You must tell him ASAP so that by the time he can understand it it's just something he has always known. Of course he won't fully understand now but you should tell him anyway and repeat every time he asks about it.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2015 09:29

Op just tell him that! If he looks at you blankly and changes the subject, let it be. Tell him again later, tgat way you have told. As he gets older and starts asking, be honest.

KateMosley · 17/02/2015 09:30

There is nothing that ruins relationships faster than finding out something as huge and crucial as your parentage when you are old enough to work out you have been lied to.

Introduce the idea as soon as possible so there is never the need for a big sit down. Children do adapt and accept. Teenagers and young adults will find something like that excruciatingly painful.

TeenAndTween · 17/02/2015 09:37

You need to tell him before he understands, and keep repeating it, so he grows up 'knowing'. What you said in your last post would be fine.

As you are expecting now is the perfect time.
I'm growing a baby, Dad helped make it.
Dad didn't help make you, your birth father did, but Dad is your Daddy.

Please listen to almost everyone on here, it will only get harder the longer you put it off.

youmakemydreams · 17/02/2015 09:55

The can we watch shrek thing is what you want to happen. Just tell the story regularly and it will be something he has always known. If you don't start introducing it now when he doesn't understand you run the risk of him being hurt and angry and confused. It becomes a much bigger deal the older they get.

My friends oldest ds is nearly 10 and her dh has adopted her. He and her have such a close relationship and bond it is lovely. But that ds has no idea that she has a biological father. She doesn't know any of it. I feel very frustrated at my friend at times when it has come up because she wanted to wait until she was old enough to understand but she is older now and getting older and I can see fireworks when it finally comes out. Because when they get older when is the right time? At 10 she isn't old enough really to deal with the emotions she may feel finding out now. In a few years time there will be more excuses and before you know it you have an adult that gets this bombshell on them.

If you are worried that your ex may instigate court proceedings or whatever I think it will be far better all round if your ds knows the truth.

ArcheryAnnie · 17/02/2015 10:33

I'd also back up making the telling of the information not a huge deal - don't sit him down and put on serious-face or anything. Have it has part of the conversation when you are doing something else - walking or driving somewhere, for example. The idea of introducing it naturally when talking about the new baby that TeenandTween proposed is excellent.

Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 17/02/2015 11:41

Okay. I never said I wouldn't tell him and obviously I will of told him by the time he's 7/8.

As I said he's not yet 3. He says yes to anything you could ask him if he was a bee and he would nod his head.

I mean you can't just drop it into conversation can you? Hi DS want a bath? Btw DP isn't your genetic HmmdadHmm

He doesn't ask about babies. He hasn't had the "babies come from people who love each other" because he doesn't know the words or meaning of "where do babies come from" he doesn't know there's one in my womb. He just knows that the bottles on top of the wardrobe are babies as in if he goes in there he'll point and go baby and I'll go yes and steer him out. IYSWIM

OP posts: