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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not of told DS that DP isn't his biological dad

167 replies

WrappedInABlankie · 16/02/2015 21:45

going off another thread (not a TAAT) my nearly 3 year old doesn't know DP isn't his biological dad, tbh DS wouldn't understand I don't think. He loves my DP, adores him and vice versa and it's lovely to see.

Now DS's dad was EA,Violent, and I'm currently reporting him for historic rape and getting a non-molestation order.

He applied for contact when DS was a baby, and no contact was granted after a year of him taking me to court as he was more interested in me and my DP (asked the courts to perform a DBS check, background check told everyone he was a paedophile, child abuser etc even tried to get him banned from attending the contact centre with me for suppor), he refused to pay for the contact centre (when he did pay about 5 times, DS would cry and he wouldn't be allowed in the room till he was calm which by then the time would of been over. On one occasion they had to remind him to say hello to him!) and kept wanting to meet in a "mutual place" i.e mine or his place where we'd be alone and I wouldn't allow it.

What I'm worried about is if he now he applies to go back to court for access to DS the CAFCASS and him will raise that DS doesn't know that DP isn't his dad. Me and DP are expecting our first DS together. Should I of told him?

It devastates me that this 'man' is his dad it he's horrid. I don't want to lie to DS obviously but I just wish I didn't have to tell him and he'd never find out IYSWIM?

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 17/02/2015 11:47

Look, if you tell him now, he will say, can I have a biscuit, - and that's good.

If you wait until he's 7 - he will be shocked - which do you prefer?

I'm struggling to understand your reluctance actually. If you tell him now, it honestly will be no big deal to him.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 17/02/2015 11:55

I would say if you don't introduce the idea within say 3 ish months then yes YABU - all the research and evidence points to the fact that children need to know as soon as possible and grow up with that knowledge rather than telling them at 7/8 or later.

If you don't introduce this early then your sons risks of developing emotional difficulties in later life are raised .

BertieBotts · 17/02/2015 11:57

Yes defo speak to him soon. You can definitely drop it into a conversation at that age, that's the great thing about him being so little. I really wouldn't leave it until he is seven or eight, I think that's too old. Talking in the bath would be a nice idea. He's not distracted and you just use simple terms and bright, matter of fact tone of voice.

Had a similar ish situation as DS' dad stopped seeing him when he was 2, by the time he was 4 he didn't really remember him at all and was a bit confused. I talked to him one day on the way home from nursery, saying did you know you have another daddy, from when you were a baby? He had a childminder, so I used the childminder as an example about how CM was X's mummy but not his mummy, even though she looked after him as well. He was curious and I offered to show him some photographs, which he wanted to see so we found some photos. We talked about how "Other daddy" found it hard to be a good daddy and had to stay away, and even though my new DH wasn't there when he was a baby, he was a good daddy now and that's why he gets to be DS' Daddy. We have never used the words "real dad" or biological/genetic because I don't think we need to, although he is now six and we have explained the term step-dad or stepfather, and at some point I have mentioned how "Other daddy from when I was a baby" was the man when mummy and daddy made a baby together, because he knows now that you need a man and a woman.

We don't talk a lot about "Daddy (name)" as he now calls him, but occasionally I drop something in just to make sure that he doesn't forget and think it's a big shock. There was also a time when he was about five when he kept pointing out random men that we knew and saying "Oh! He's my other dad isn't he?" and I had to say no, that's not your other dad. Then the pictures came out again. I don't have pictures of XP around the house, but I do think it's important you keep some to show your DS when he wants to look at them. I just use old facebook pictures.

He doesn't know currently that he has a half brother, because his brother was adopted and so won't be able to contact him until DS is 20. I don't know when that will come out, unsure whether to tell him now.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 17/02/2015 11:59

And I totally agree with Johnfarley- this really is a no brainer OP.

The longer secrets are kept in a cupboard the greater the fallout will be - except that the fallout in this situation would be your son struggling at a later age to understand where he fits into the family- which places him at risk of low self esteem, behavioural difficulties and possibly mistrust of the adults caring for him.

Transporter · 17/02/2015 12:01

I love JohnFarleys 'can I have a biscuit' comment Grin It so true.

Honsandrevels · 17/02/2015 12:04

I've been trying to tell my dds that my dad, their grandad is my second dad and that I had another dad who died before I was born. My brother has also died.

Whenever it comes up my dd1 who is 6 seems surprised as thought this is new information. I have to prompt her to remember that we've spoken about them before. There are photos at my mum's of my brother and I do mention him fairly frequently.

It won't be a huge deal the first time you mention it going by my experience! Just let it sink in over time. I presume that's what is going on with my dds.

Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 17/02/2015 12:04

I've just said I WILL have told him by 7 Hmm. He WILL know by the time he's 4!

I don't see when there's an appropriate or relevant (as in relevant to the current activity before someone says ofc it's relevant) time to drop this in, when I run his bath? Make his tea? On the way to nursery, Empty his potty, we don't really do story time or is that it on the way to nursery I just go you've got a man who made you and a dad and if in honest I don't know if he'd even acknowledge me

You're struggling to understand my resistance? When you've been rapped, beaten, emotional abused stalked and harassed to the point you've moved 3 times and they still know you're moving into the house before you've loaded your moving man then you may understand why Id rather not of had to introduce this 'Man into his life' he's never heard me talk about him and the only time his name is mentioned is when I'm calling the police or my solicitor and even then he's called Mr .... So it's completely detached,

OP posts:
Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 17/02/2015 12:09

Bertie.

I Have no photos of him. DS was just over 1 when he last saw him in the centre and there an no photos of DS with him, there no cards etc as the only time he's written to DS the envelope had DS's name on it and the letter was for me, which the police firmly told him to stop doing.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2015 12:09

Look leave op alone, she knows her ds the best, she has chosen to tell him when he is 4, that bit older and able to understand. It's her call at the end of the day, she is aware that her ds will need to be told whilst he is still young enough to accept it.

Branleuse · 17/02/2015 12:10

its better to tell him before he understands

squoosh · 17/02/2015 12:11

I agree with Branleuse.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2015 12:13

Why branleuse, what's the point of that. Op is her ds mum, she knows him the best, she will tell him. Tbh I woukd do the same as her, her ds is still very young and cannot comprehend such information, pointless really .

Messygirl · 17/02/2015 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 17/02/2015 12:19

Um Aeroflot - people have done no more than say it is in the best interests of the child for him to know sooner rather than later.

OP DID start a thread in AIBU asking for opinions - and that is what people have given her - not in a bullying manner but in a straight forward manner .

Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 17/02/2015 12:19

It's most probably because we don't talk about the baby. No idea why but only about 5 people know I'm pregnant and the only time we talk about it is when he goes in his room, me and DP rarely talk about it unless were going to appointments or buying stuff.

When I learned about baby making I was in secondary school in sex ed up till then I knew people had babies and that was that. the subject wasn't touched or brought up by my parents so to me he seems a bit young for it because I never had it

OP posts:
BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 17/02/2015 12:24

And Branleuse is entirely right- the child may not be able to absorb the info on a conscious level - but the sooner he knows , the sooner his subconscious will be processing and dealing with that information.

I have worked with many people in my job who have been in situations like this as children - and whether people like to hear it or not -the longer things are kept from a child the more difficult it becomes for them to adjust , and to feel good and secure about them selves and in their relationships within the family.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2015 12:25

I would tell him what you said you would tell him, if he then tells you he wants a biscuit or wants to play, leave it, then try when he's say 3.5 years, then 4. That way you are being open and honest with him, but you are also taking his lead to. I personally do agree with you, and only you know your ds. What is apparent is that you do have to be honest with him about his parentage, and do it whilst he is still very young, and imho 3.5/4 is still very young enough to adapt.

Love51 · 17/02/2015 12:30

I think this is the sort of thing that they assimiliate over time. But you have to help them by putting the pieces of the jigsaw out for them. Kids love to hear stories that involve them that are before they can remember - we tell what happened to the older one when the younger one was born, how long we stayed in hospital etc. You could tell your son the story of his birth (at home? in hospital? who came to visit? Was he a good feeder?) You can also add in the story of how you met your DP, and what happened the first time he met your DS - so that DS realises that there was a short time in his life before your DP was his Dad. But that's a subtext to the story that the first day they met they went on swings together / read a certain book / ate waffles. It doesn't have to be an exciting story, as DS will be heavily invested in the main character - him! Obviously the birth bit is all on you,but how DP met DS is something DP can get involved in!

Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 17/02/2015 12:31

Blessed DS is 2!

As I've said he WILL know before 7 he WILL know around 4 at the LATEST! I can't even remember what I was doing at 4 we will most probably drop it into conversations when it becomes relevant most probably when the baby is born as he may ask more question at that point he'll be 3.2.

I KNOW he had to know! I'm not going to wait and reveal it on his 16th birthday or when he's 10! It will NOT be some big kept secret that you're all assuming it will be!

OP posts:
Love51 · 17/02/2015 12:31

I didn't see the extra pages! Sorry!

dustarr73 · 17/02/2015 12:32

Yes to telling him now,as age appropriate as possible.Dont let it be the secret that everyone else knows but them.

Like me found out at 13 by by cousins that my step dad wasnt my dad.Really hurt me as everyone knew bar me.

Also it means nobody can accidently on purpose tell him,so it cant be held over your head.

Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 17/02/2015 12:33

dustarr read my previous posts

OP posts:
BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 17/02/2015 12:34

Well wrapped if you're so sure why did you post the thread?

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2015 12:36

Go for it wrapped, I agree with you. you know it has to be done whilst he is still very young, only you can decide when.

evmil · 17/02/2015 12:36

I would tell him. A slightly different situation here but DSS3(12) has just found out that DH is not his dad and is absolutely devastated Sad. He feels like he doesn't fit in/belong. He is really close to DH's family and realising that he isn't blood related to them (or DSS1 or DS) has broke his heart.

I think it would have been far easier if DH had been honest with him at the start about the whole thing, imo it is far easier to come to term with when you are small and it is all out in the open. DH's family had no idea either so it has been a huge shock to them and DSS1 and 3. He says he did fully intend on telling him but kept putting it off and off and then decided it was too lost to tell him. I found out by accident after i had married him - had no idea prior to this.