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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not of told DS that DP isn't his biological dad

167 replies

WrappedInABlankie · 16/02/2015 21:45

going off another thread (not a TAAT) my nearly 3 year old doesn't know DP isn't his biological dad, tbh DS wouldn't understand I don't think. He loves my DP, adores him and vice versa and it's lovely to see.

Now DS's dad was EA,Violent, and I'm currently reporting him for historic rape and getting a non-molestation order.

He applied for contact when DS was a baby, and no contact was granted after a year of him taking me to court as he was more interested in me and my DP (asked the courts to perform a DBS check, background check told everyone he was a paedophile, child abuser etc even tried to get him banned from attending the contact centre with me for suppor), he refused to pay for the contact centre (when he did pay about 5 times, DS would cry and he wouldn't be allowed in the room till he was calm which by then the time would of been over. On one occasion they had to remind him to say hello to him!) and kept wanting to meet in a "mutual place" i.e mine or his place where we'd be alone and I wouldn't allow it.

What I'm worried about is if he now he applies to go back to court for access to DS the CAFCASS and him will raise that DS doesn't know that DP isn't his dad. Me and DP are expecting our first DS together. Should I of told him?

It devastates me that this 'man' is his dad it he's horrid. I don't want to lie to DS obviously but I just wish I didn't have to tell him and he'd never find out IYSWIM?

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Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 17/02/2015 19:11

Gold If I tell him that it was just me and him before DP and this baby and he can fill in the gaps as people of said then he'd be just as capable to fill in the gaps that some man gave him some genes

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Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 17/02/2015 19:13

Little if I put myself in my 2 year olds shoes I wouldn't even mention because as I said he doesn't understand the basic things let alone this.

If he's understanding of the fact that DP isn't his dad then he'd easily understand that people are made and this man helped make him.

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BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 17/02/2015 19:16

Completely and totally agree with Goldmantra.
I'm glad somebody has similar thoughts to those I expressed down thread.

OP as children grow we don't always "know" what is best for our DC in every given situation - that is why we have professionals such as teachers, GPs, paediatricians, psychologists etc etc.
people here are trying to guide you in the best interests of your son.

If you tell your DS that his bio father isn't a "nice" man believe me it will completely shake his sense of self. He may feel shame Sad.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 17/02/2015 19:16

You dont have to rush it. I would read into it some more and maybe post in relationships so you can find a way of addrssing this that you feel comfortable with.
Yes, it shouldn't be left but you dont have to do it tomorrow Grin

Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 17/02/2015 19:20

That's fine but I Don't. You can't expect him to understand that another man made him but not understand some people are nice either they understand more than he lets on or they don't.

Real, according to some on here they do though it should of been done by the time he was like 1!

The poor kid can't even understand that to take his trousers off without getting them stuck on his ankles he has to pull the legs but hey if he can't get that in sure this will be a breeze

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BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 17/02/2015 19:22

Wrapped sadly it seems you are so bitter that you are finding it difficult to see what your son NEEDS.

You and your ex made this baby together. And that's what you need to tell him - that he had a dad who helped to make him with you - and now that he is made - he has a different dad who loves and cares for him.

Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 17/02/2015 19:25

Blessed NO we didn't. The cunt raped me and I was on the pill we did NOT make it together

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Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2015 19:26

Exactly TheReal, post in another section, have a good think about it, and you do what you feel is right for your ds as you know him the best. No don't say that his biological father wasen't very nice. Just tell him, he has a tummy father who helped make him, and a daddy who looks after him, who is WrappedinaBlankie dh. As somebody suggested upthread, incorporate that into a simple story. Just say your tummy daddy isent here, or went away kind of thing.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2015 19:29

Wrapped Sad very Sad. This is why you need to post in a different section. Have you had counselling?

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 17/02/2015 19:29

Wrapped does he really need to know his biological father isn't nice?

What will it achieve for your son?

I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself and ask yourself whether it's for YOUR benefit that your DS knows as a small child that his biological father isn't "nice".

The reality is that you had this child outside of the relationship your in now - you can't get away from that and keep things cosy by tainting your sons image of his bio dad.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2015 19:30

I don't blame your reaction tbh, you need to do how you see fit.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2015 19:32

I think hide the thread, and get some real life help, mabey source out some books, or see a Surestart centre advisor for advice on how to broach it with your ds.

Goldmandra · 17/02/2015 19:35

Wrapped I wonder if you need to get some counselling too. You need to find a way to separate what your ex did to you from your DS's need to understand who is his biological father.

Nobody is advocating letting this man back into your life. Just that you need to inform your DS of his own family make-up in an age-appropriate way so he doesn't grow up thinking something that isn't true.

You are clearly mixing these two issues up in your head. Maybe some counselling will help you work out how to inform your DS without feeling you have to betray yourself in order to do so.

Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 17/02/2015 19:40

No I'm not mixing the two up. Telling me "we made him together" assuming we lived together assuming I'm not going to tell him till he's in school is just crap. No matter how many times I say it nobody seems to get it through their heads! That's not mixing the two up. I've said Id tell him and I will. You all assume he understands yet as I said the kid can't even understand how to get his trousers off and I tell him at least 3 times daily the same thing over and over. Hmm

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BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 17/02/2015 19:45

I am sorry that happened to you.

It is not something your DS ever needs to pick up on though.

The emotional outcomes for your boy will be poor unless you start to compartmentalise your feelings about your ex from what your DS needs to know and what is in the interests of his wellbeing short and long term.

TalkinPeace · 17/02/2015 19:45

The sooner he knows that his Dad is the person who lives with his mum and loves him lots
and that he has a father who is not around
the less problems you are storing up for later.

If you tell him before he can properly rationalise it is will just be and thus not an issue.

Goldmandra · 17/02/2015 19:46

No. We are telling you that he needs to hear it before he understands. You are choosing to ignore that.

You are mixing up the two concepts emotionally. You need to be able to tell him in a way that meets his needs as well as yours and I'm not sure you will be able to do that without some help.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2015 19:47

Wrapped I would step away from the thread tbh, you understand you need to tell him soon and you will as you have said. So its a non issue really. Its just going round and round in circles. Yes seek out some real life help for yourself too Flowers

TalkinPeace · 17/02/2015 19:51

Dear MNHQ
Could you move this thread across to relationships - certain issues are too vulnerable to be discussed on a board as lively as this. Smile

Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 17/02/2015 19:54

Thanks aero I will.

I'm not mixing up the concepts at all! As I've said time and time again he will know. How can that be made clearer to you lot. written in the sky maybe? He already doesn't understand. Is he going to magically wake up tomorrow and understand not very likely. Is he going to understand in a month no.

I said I would broach the subject when the new baby arrives, still wasn't good enough because then it wasn't right I don't let him touch/rub/sing to my stomach and he didn't know Hmm it's a lose lose situation really and short of waking him up now and once again repeating does he Bremen when it was just me and you it's not going to make you see sense.

So no it's not storing up any problems what so ever because something has already been mentioned today which obviously means jack shit to you lot and guess what he didn't understand so no his "emotional outcomes" won't be bloody poor

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Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 17/02/2015 19:55

talk i don't want it moved i want it deleted and gone

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YvesJutteau · 17/02/2015 19:58

Posters aren't assuming that he understands yet. They are picking up on the fact that you say you haven't mentioned it yet because he won't understand and arguing that before he will understand is, on the contrary, the perfect time to start telling him (in an age-appropriate way like Invizicat's bedtime story not in exactly those words, because you know what your own story is, but at that level) because then there will never be a moment when he "learns" the truth. If you wait until you are pretty sure he understands then you will have left it too late (as in "past the best time for doing it", not as in "you will definitely have doomed him to a life of mental trauma").

If your DS was the result of rape or a sexually violent relationship then you would obviously need to choose your words very carefully and might benefit from some specialist advice. Rape Crisis might be able to help directly or put you in touch with local services.

TalkinPeace · 17/02/2015 20:01

wrapped
you need to start telling him now BECAUSE he does not understand.

Same as you started talking to him when he was born even though he could not understand.
Your language became part of him.
This piece of information needs to become part of him that he cannot remember ever learning, it will just always have been.

THE MOST damage is where kids can always remember the day they found out.
THE LEAST damage is where kids just always knew

MrsDeVere · 17/02/2015 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WrappedInABlankie · 17/02/2015 20:06

whatever

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