To not of told DS that DP isn't his biological dad

[WrappedInABlankie]

going off another thread (not a TAAT) my nearly 3 year old doesn't know DP isn't his biological dad, tbh DS wouldn't understand I don't think. He loves my DP, adores him and vice versa and it's lovely to see.

Now DS's dad was EA,Violent, and I'm currently reporting him for historic rape and getting a non-molestation order.

He applied for contact when DS was a baby, and no contact was granted after a year of him taking me to court as he was more interested in me and my DP (asked the courts to perform a DBS check, background check told everyone he was a paedophile, child abuser etc even tried to get him banned from attending the contact centre with me for suppor), he refused to pay for the contact centre (when he did pay about 5 times, DS would cry and he wouldn't be allowed in the room till he was calm which by then the time would of been over. On one occasion they had to remind him to say hello to him!) and kept wanting to meet in a "mutual place" i.e mine or his place where we'd be alone and I wouldn't allow it.

What I'm worried about is if he now he applies to go back to court for access to DS the CAFCASS and him will raise that DS doesn't know that DP isn't his dad. Me and DP are expecting our first DS together. Should I of told him?

It devastates me that this 'man' is his dad it he's horrid. I don't want to lie to DS obviously but I just wish I didn't have to tell him and he'd never find out IYSWIM?

I do think you are being a bit naive -
At the age of 4 I have clear memories of my sister, nursery, grandparents - can you be 100% sure that he won't look back having memories of a time when he didn't know this info.
Don't underestimate him.

Blessed if I'm so sure?

What I'm so sure my DS HAS to know before it turns into Eastenders moment! You've all assumed I wouldn't of told him till he's 10 when I've said time and time again he will know way before then.

We don't talk about how babies are made and things like that. He doesn't understand and I was asking if I was u to not of told him yet at the age of two and how to tell him without dropping it in in a completely irrelevant way.

Why post the thread then?

And for what it's worth you might want to attempt to get your sons head around the fact he's getting a sibling. My eldest was 23 months when DS2 arrived and we spent all our pregnancy preparing him for such a life changing event in his little life.

Get him to rub/kiss/sing to bump, involve him in the pregnancy. You really don't him to be jealous or upset about babies arrival!

He should know now. Things like this are so much easier to accept if you've never known any different. Like adoption, it's a huge deal to find that out one day but just part of everyday life if you have always known- from my own experiences only.

Your DP can still be his daddy but just doesn't share blood.

How am I being naive?

I do NOT have any memories of when I was 4 let alone 2 and conversation of when I was 2!

My first memory is of my nan dying and if put pillows under her feet I was 5 at the time my memory after that is my brother falling into a pond and I was 6 I can't tell you what happened in that time because I have no memory of it

Mama he's been to scans and will be coming to one on Saturday. He's there when we buy things.

My even my DP doesn't sing, rub or touch my bump so DS won't be doing that

It is naive to think that just because you have no memories of being 4 that your son won't.

We're shaped by our subconscious childhood memories as well as our conscious ones.

Right and as I said bless he will know by the time he's 4 at the latest so what's the issue? If he has memories which I doubt then he will know won't he! He won't understand but I would of told him.

It was x posted and i was only telling you from the point of view of NOT being told.
It took me ages to trust my mam again and looking back i wish she had told me sooner.Its just op the years have a habit of getting away from you,you dont bring it up soon.Hes suddenly 16 and someone else told him.

And if I felt he could understand at least a bit of what I'm saying then I would of raised it before now obviously he can't even tell you it's himself if you point him out in photos.

The easiest time to tell him is before he can understand though when it's just always been part of his knowledge. He called you mummy/mamma before he knew what that word meant. We don't wait until children are old enough to know everything before we talk to them about it. We point out dogs and cats in the street way before we expect our children to understand the difference between animals.
My oldest ds was 9 months old when I met his SD, and I used to say things like 'before we met daddy we used to go on a bus' (we didn't have a car but SD did). It was just part of everyday conversation. When I was pregnant when my son was 3 I told him daddy put the baby in my tummy but a different daddy put him in. It was never a big secret and although my son rarely brought it up he knew about it. Secrets are the things that can destroy families.

The whole situation re his dad is clearly horrendously painful to you op- of course it is.

The thing is, to your Ds, it is no big deal - and the younger he is when he knows, the less of a big deal it will be, really.

Let it be something he's always known rather than something secret/shocking.

Wishing you all the best.

Given what you've posted, I can see why this is difficult for you OP.

YANBU to not have raised this with your DS yet, given his age, and what you've been through.

The baby gives you the perfect opportunity to raise it at some point over the next six months, in a low key way as many people have suggested on this thread.

How about getting a book for DS about the new baby and how babies are made, and using it as a way to intiate a discussion along the lines of:
"That's right, it takes a seed from a daddy and and egg from a mummy to make a baby. But it takes much more than a seed to make a daddy. When you were in mummy's tummy the seed to make you came from another daddy / your father (decide for yourself beforehand what word you're going to use) but it's daddy who looks after you and loves you every day."

I can completely see why you don't want to have to face it now, you've built a family, you, DP and your DS, you don't want to have to even invite into that nice, safe famliy life that there's something else. Your exP is no part of your DS's life now, so don't want to make him part of it.

However, if your exP might start court proceedings again, then yes, your DS will have to know sooner or later, and as others have said, if you are planning on telling him at some point in his life, then now, at 2 when he doesn't really understand is definately the best time to start, because he'll just grow up with it.

Canyou's DB's way of saying it: They just said DBro is Daddy but when he was born he had a different Daddy but that daddy could not be around and he knew DS would want a nice Daddy so Dbro is his Daddy now. seems really good. Nice and simple as an introduction. I wouldn't volunteer the name of your exP unless your DS asks. It doesn't really matter.

I would do this now before you start talking about the new baby.

I remember my 'parents' getting married when I was 2.5yo. I thought I must have been older tbh. 'Parents' being my mother and step-dad, later adopted dad.

I've always known I had another father, and he was abusive to my mother. It was a non-issue, except I knew not to ask about him. I didn't even know his name.

I'm not sure why you don't talk about the baby you're carrying with him either. Getting him ready for it. I'd be telling him all about the baby, and then telling DS that he himself has two dads. He doesn't see his first dad as he's not kind (this is what I say to my DCs about my mother), and that his daddy loves him. That simple. Talk about it every now and then, it will be harder for you than your DS.

One of the big shocks of my life was when I found out from my cousin that her brother wasn't her brother in the bio sense, and that another of our aunts was his mother. Why families keep these things secret is beyond me. It all comes out in the end.

That must be so tough.
I dont think yabu to not have told him so far. But i think your pregnancy could be an ideal time to start offering information or opening up conversations about babies. He will start to ask questions very soon, ecpecially with a sibling on the way. You dont have to tell him that his daddy isnt his biological father. Personally i think i would use some of the resources suggested about talking to adopted or "donor" children.
You are giving your abusive ex nothing whatsoever by starting to talk to your DS about this. You cant change the fact that he is his biological father, sadly, i know you wish you could.
It doesnt have to be an announcement. Good luck.

I mean you dont have to tell him that his daddy isnt his real father. He is. But the younger you start to have conversations about biology as it were, the easier it will be for all of you.

Thank you Amanda.

I suppose I feel like by telling DS about him it's means I'll be talking about him which how I feel is what he wants, he wants to be on my mind Ect and I feel by bringing it up he's winning.

I would of always told DS no matter what he's my little munchkin

My DDs are adopted. My younger one was only 2.5 and we mentioned her background from the start. She has approximately zero interest in her birth father. But she knows about him, and that's enough.

It's not about winning or losing with your ex. It's about being open with your DS before he is old enough to comprehend its importance. That way as he grows his understanding grows too.

Anyway, easier to say it now while he's young, gets you into practice when the detail of the words don't matter so much. The older he gets the more the wording matters.

Teen as I said numerous and numerous times he WILL know before he gets older, before it becomes any type of importance. He. Will. Know. If I wasn't going to be open with my DS I wouldn't of been planning to say anything at all, he's not on the BC and I would of left it at that!

However i completely disagree it's not "easier" at all.

Oh OP - another good reason to get it done, ideally this week - is because the longer you leave it, the harder it'll be for you. The more he's able to understand, ask difficult questions, understand hurt in your looks and voice, the harder you'll find it.

Get it done, rip off the plaster. Then you know you've done it. If he's over 2.5 then it's probably the best time for the "Daddy wasn't always your daddy" approach. It'll just be one of those things he accepts.

It's going to be hard for you whenever you do it. It'll be easier for him the younger he is. You know you don't have a "never mentioning it" option, so of the options you do have, the earlier the better for him and probably you too.

your ex is not winning in anything to do with this, you are because you have succeeded in building a wonderful family life without him. You don't have to think about him, but you do have to make sure you don't lie to your DS by omission.

(oh and re telling your DS about the baby, I didn't tell DC1 about DC2 until I was around 13 weeks after having 2 scans, between them I'd had a MC - thankfully before I'd told DC1 I was pregnant, so I didn't have to deal with tell him as well).

Like what do you say because if I sit him down and go "sweetie you're special because you have a daddy how choose to love you and be a daddy you also have a father who helped make you but couldn't be a daddy" he'll reply with can we watch shrek? lol

That is perfect.

You start telling him before he is old enough to understand and then, when he is ready to think about it, he will recognise that it is freely acknowledged and be able to ask questions suitable to his level of understanding.

If you wait until everything is 'right' you will never do it and the longer you wait, the harder it will be.

We say all sorts to our children before they are able to understand fully. This is one that you need to make sure you are saying regularly.

I know this man put you through hell and you don't want him back in your life but that doesn't stop him existing and it doesn't change the fact that your DS needs to grow up knowing that his 'Daddy' is different from his biological father. You need to try to separate what the man did to you from your DS's need to know the truth about his parentage.

When he does start asking questions, answer just exactly what he is asking, no more, in an age/developmentally appropriate way. He will ask what he is ready to hear.

Don't make this into a reason for him to resent you when he's older or a way for his father to undermine your relationship. You have the power to prevent that right now if you can only be brave enough to start saying it.

Mary If he could understand even a little bit I think for me personally I'd find it a bit easier as I could say to him before daddy it was just me and you. (I've just said this to him "do you remember before mummy met daddy and it was just me and you" and he just looked at me and went yes then went on to point at Mickeys shoes. I don't think he does at all but obviously the pictures of him to I met DP are just of me and him.

I'm 23 weeks this sunday, he's been to my 6 week scan, 16 week scan and 20 week scan. He'll be coming to my 22.6 week scan on saturday.

When the baby comes on the screen he points and say's baby but thats all, but as I said we don't really talk about. I hate my stomach being rubbed etc so nobody does that. I have told about 6 people I'm pregnant that's it. It's just something I don't really talk about