To not of told DS that DP isn't his biological dad

[WrappedInABlankie]

going off another thread (not a TAAT) my nearly 3 year old doesn't know DP isn't his biological dad, tbh DS wouldn't understand I don't think. He loves my DP, adores him and vice versa and it's lovely to see.

Now DS's dad was EA,Violent, and I'm currently reporting him for historic rape and getting a non-molestation order.

He applied for contact when DS was a baby, and no contact was granted after a year of him taking me to court as he was more interested in me and my DP (asked the courts to perform a DBS check, background check told everyone he was a paedophile, child abuser etc even tried to get him banned from attending the contact centre with me for suppor), he refused to pay for the contact centre (when he did pay about 5 times, DS would cry and he wouldn't be allowed in the room till he was calm which by then the time would of been over. On one occasion they had to remind him to say hello to him!) and kept wanting to meet in a "mutual place" i.e mine or his place where we'd be alone and I wouldn't allow it.

What I'm worried about is if he now he applies to go back to court for access to DS the CAFCASS and him will raise that DS doesn't know that DP isn't his dad. Me and DP are expecting our first DS together. Should I of told him?

It devastates me that this 'man' is his dad it he's horrid. I don't want to lie to DS obviously but I just wish I didn't have to tell him and he'd never find out IYSWIM?

I was in your DS's position and my mother didn't tell me till my late teens, although I'd guessed already. It was very messy and painful.

Too imcvSorry about your mother

but as I've said till I'm blue in the face that won't be my DS

Do it now, it won't hurt him. If you don't believe that he'll begin to understand, that's fine, it still won't hurt him.

It will hurt you no matter how old he is. If he's older, he might understand some of the implications and be hurt on your behalf, he won't now, he won't understand that his father hurt you

If you do it later it's ammunition for that bastard, both in making him into a special secret legend for your DS and your worry that he'll claim you should have told him sooner

There is no reason not to do it ASAP, it will hurt and I'm sorry for that but it will hurt no matter when you do it

Asking him about when his dad wasn't there yet is a great start and that hasn't hurt him right?

A 3 yo can understand a lot more than they can express. Start telling him now. Please.

I think that's probably alright then actually. If he knows before his dad was around it was just you and him then he doesn't think that his dad is also his bio dad. When he gets to the point that he realises babies need to have two parents from birth then he'll fill in the missing detail and ask.

It's just the "always thought stepdad was my bio dad" scenario you want to avoid really.

Five he's not yet 3 and if he can't fully understand not to run out in the road he won't understand his dad isn't his biological dad. So no.

All his birth pictures are just me and him. There is only one photo in my home of DS and DP and that's from last year. Every other picture is just me and him.

He said yes, he doesn't actually remember as he would of just been over or just before 1

No but the fact that you've kept it as an open fact is good, even if he doesn't remember it it means he's just always aware. So you can add the detail later and there's no disappointment or confusion.

It's precisely because he wont understand the implications that it's easier to tell him now. He's so young that frankly whatever you tell him (as long as you tell him in a positive and affirming way) he will assume that what you tell him is fine, normal and not a big deal.

He doesn't actually need to understand how babies are made to understand that children have mummies and daddies. And that there is a man called X who who helped to make him with mummy and that he is lucky because he has a daddy who lives with him and loves him. For all he knows at the moment every dc gets made by a man called X and has a different daddy at home.

It's best to tell him at an age that he wont remember being told so he will feel that he 'always' knew. As he gets older with no need to spell it out he'll start to ask more and understand more details (such as that he and his brother have different bio dads.) He wont get it at first telling or remember, which is why I suggested making his own special story that you repeat as a special bedtime treat with lots of bits he can join in or funny bits.

Honestly, if you leave it til he's 4 he might well be old enough to find it a shock, especially in comparison to his little brother when he realises that he wasn't made by X.

I'm in a similar situation and havent read the whole thread so sorry if I'm repeating anything here but I would say yes definitely tell him now.

Cafcass recommended to me that I make a book with photos which tell the story. E.g a picture of your ex who you can refer to as his tummy daddy, explain that he helped you make him, then you and his tummy daddy weren't friends anymore and you met his daddy, with lots of pictures of your dp and ds. You don't need to say anymore than that, at this age he will just accept it and grow up knowing he also has a 'tummy daddy', which is much better emotionally for him than a collasal bombshell further down the line.

If he asks why he doesn't see his tummy daddy, saying that he is not very well is an adequate enough reply at this age (and not a lie either as it sounds as if your ex is not right mentally).

Wrapped I think you've missed the point a bit.

The " big speech" aged 4 is just the sort of thing you want to avoid. Ideally the information should be part of life. I say things like " oh you look like your father when you do that, no not Mr Reveal, Steve your other Daddy". Or " your father and I used to go here".

You're still thinking of your ex in terms of your relationship. So he's an abusive twat but your DS doesn't need to know that or what it means. Perhaps tell him his other father wasn't able to cope with being in a family. Your DS doesn't need to know why you aren't together but he needs to know this other man is out there without all the drama.

Five he's not yet 3 and if he can't fully understand not to run out in the road he won't understand his dad isn't his biological dad. So no.

This is exactly the reason why you need to start telling him now. You absolutely should not wait until he can understand the concept of having a biological father before you tell him that the person he thinks of as his actually isn't. He has to know before he builds that concept into his understanding of the world. I won't rock him to the core now like it would later. It will be his normal and feel fine to him.

He needs this information drip fed to him so his understanding of the situation can develop gradually, starting from just knowing he had/has another daddy and building his understanding as he matures.

There will never be a good time to introduce this idea to him but never isn't an option. He needs to know and he needs you to introduce this idea to him before he has any idea what it means. The fact that he isn't old enough to understand is not a good reason to delay it.

Not wanting to do because of what his father did to you it isn't a good enough reason either.

You need to start being honest with yourself about this. If you don't feel able to do it, ask someone else to start it off. Perhaps your DH or one of his grandparents could do it and you could join in when you're feeling a bit stronger.

Little I have no photos of him and I won't be getting any tbh.

However tummy friend sounds easier to explain I would of said he's not well or he wasn't nice because he's not

Ok well drawing pictures (you pg with the ex could be the first one) would also work.

I think using the word friend would be too confusing. You need to make it clear, whilst he is still too young to really question it, that he has 2 daddies.

I would steer clear of saying that he is not nice, that might create all sorts of worry in his mind at 3. You need to stay away from any kind of negativity, just tell him in a no fuss, matter of fact kind of way. When he gets a bit older you can start to feed him more information as he becomes curious in an age appropriate way.

I'll think on the wording of friend the. As others have said he's got some genes of him. But he's not actually his dad.

I'll most probably just call him man tbh is there not a place that takes this information and turns it into books that could just make this into one? Therefore I could read it to him

Please don't tell him his Father wasn't a nice man. A child doesn't need to know that. Just say he wasnt able to be a Daddy. You can explain more when he's older, but hearing one of their parents isn't very nice is really hard for a child.

If he's always "just known" as everyone has said he will at the age of 3 then he it won't be any harder then him knowing my DP hasn't got the same genes as him

I know it's hard but the whole point he needs to understand that this other man is his father, so it's pretty imperitive that you use the word dad or daddy, as he probably doesn't know what father means.

I know it seems like a huge deal for you, but I had to do exactly the same to my daughter aged 3, and she just accepted it and carried on playing. 3 is the perfect age because he is old enough to understand but not old enough to think anything of it.

He gave him some genes. He's never given him anything else so saying there is a man who gave him some genes just like I did is no different.

He's nowhere near a daddy or a dad

Also, you can't just drop it into conversation once and never mention it again, you have to give him a little refresher once in a while so he remembers, maybe when talking about places he's lived etc, e.g when you were a baby we lived with your other/tummy/whatever you want to call him daddy in a house that had a red door, or whatever, you get the idea. otherwise he will forget.

What is the point in telling him if you use the word friend? It won't give him the basic information that he needs. He needs to know that this person was his biological father and he can only grow up assimilating that information into his understanding of himself if you use the word father, dad or daddy.

If you say friend, he won't work out that you mean father until you tell him explicitly and then it will be just the same as if you had told him nothing.

I can give him a refreshed but I never lived with him so that wouldn't work. We never went anywhere together where I'd go with DS so can't use that either

I totally understand where you are coming from, I hate my ex with a passion and he put me and my dc through hell. So not exactly a dad or daddy either. But you have to put yourself in the shoes of a 3 year old and the language he will understand. He doesn't know what genes are, that will mean nothing to him.

I think 3 is still fine. I certainly don't remember anything from that age and kids tend to process things better than people think.

I found out my brother was actually my half brother later on in life (late teens). He knew but had kept it secret. Didn't affect me in the slightest but I think it did my younger sister as their relationship is friendly and stuff but not super close like I am with both of them.