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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have left DS (3) alone for 8 minutes?

206 replies

HTK · 15/02/2015 20:46

I'm wondering if I'm a bit too risk prone. I got up with DS this morning. I wanted the papers so went to the shop and left DS tucked up on the sofa with milk, watching TV for 8 minutes. DH was upstairs asleep with the door ajar but he is not a heavy sleeper and DS can get into the room if needed. The house is childproof, he wasn't eating anything and he can't open the front door.

I "risk assessed" this is my mind and decided it was fine. DH is a bit cross with me and said I should have woken him up to tell him I was going out. I didn't because he isn't the type who would have been able to go back to sleep and he works extremely hard and needs that one lie in a week.

I find I often do things with DS that DH wouldn't do.... Leave him in the car outside the local shop (in view), leave him in the car at the petrol station etc. am it too risk prone?

OP posts:
ISolemnlySwearImUptoNoGood · 16/02/2015 09:08

There's no way I would do that sorry. I take my 2 year old to the loo with me! (most of the time she insists but there you go!) I left her with older siblings in the front room playing happily, went to the kitchen to wash up. I'd been in there all of 30 seconds, hadn't even got the bowl full of water when she somehow slipped and banged her face on the fireplace. The cut needed 3 stitches.

I think the car thing is a bit different if they are locked in and strapped in a car seat.

I'm not neurotic but too much can happen in a very short space time especially when another adult is not around. I wouldn't say that someone who is asleep can be held responsible for a child when they don't know you've gone. It takes seconds for accidents to happen.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 16/02/2015 09:08

The petrol thing I can understand but not the leaving in the car for shops. I'd have no hesitation in reporting a young child in a car left alone.

You should of either taken him with you or woke your DH.

If this lax at three, no wondered he's cross.

Emu1969 · 16/02/2015 09:09

I always wonder about people who live in massive houses, where the kids are miles away from the parents at nights. How does that work? Even with baby monitors etc., it could be a while before you make it over there.

Notso · 16/02/2015 09:13

katese11 my three that are I potty trained could all manage a wee by themselves at least by three. Two of them started Nursery just a week or so after their third birthday so I encouraged it for then.

DS2 sometimes wee's on his pj's, he always stands up (his brother sat until about 6) but forgets to lift the seat sometimes. He has been able to clean up, change his PJ's and put the wet ones near the washing machine from 3.

treaclesoda · 16/02/2015 09:19

My three year old will entertain himself in the morning. He is toilet trained but he likes someone to help himk so if he needs the toilet he just comes and gets me or dh and one of us takes him. I might be having a bit of a lie in but I'm not generally asleep anyway, more likely to be lying reading a book or listening to the radio or something. He generally entertains himself for five mins then climbs into bed with us. Then gets up and plays for five mins. Then decides he wants to go back to bed. Over and over. When he finally decides its time to get up, he will make it clear that he expects us to get up too Wink

FragileBrittleStar · 16/02/2015 09:24

Did you tell DS that you were going out? I would occasionally leave DS downstairs watching TV when DP was still in bed (if I was leaving to go to work) - but would tell him to go and get daddy if he wanted anything (almost always he went up immediately) - and DP would be drowsing/know I'd gone

findingherfeet · 16/02/2015 09:25

I wouldn't have done but your DS wasn't alone your DH would have heard him if he cried or he could have gone to find his dad if needed. Personally I don't think twice about leaving my DD alone playing while I'm in kitchen or upstairs, she's not a naughty sort and I can hear her in the house and comes to chat to me as and when....I know already my baby boy is a different sort! I won't be taking my eyes off him for any length of time I suspect!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 16/02/2015 09:27

You left him with his other parent upstairs? I think that's totally fine. I suppose you could have mentioned that you were popping out but I really don't see the problem. I also would leave my DCs in car for petrol and a 3 min pop to the local shop too (unless very hot weather) so perhaps I'm crazy too?

Floggingmolly · 16/02/2015 09:31

The other parent was dead to the world and had no notion that he was looking after the child, Ghoul. What use would he have been if the child found matches to play with, tried drinking bleach or opened the door and tootled off?
It's interesting that he himself seems to be of the same mind...

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 16/02/2015 09:33

But what if they'd both been asleep? That would have bee exactly the same. In a reasonably child proof house this is normal. DH would have woken up if something had happened.

LiegeAndLief · 16/02/2015 09:37

8 years old? Seriously?! When I was 8 I was getting up with my 6yo brother every weekend. We played together and when my parents woke up they called and I made them coffee and took it upstairs. I didn't feel alone or unloved. I do feel awe as an adult though - I can't get my 8 and 5yo to play quietly together for more than about 5 minutes and there's no way I'd let ds at the kettle unattended.

katese11 · 16/02/2015 09:40

fair enough :) DD is 33 months and start to end toilet independence is still a fair way off. Guess that's why I couldn't imagine leaving her on her own. Ds was still in nappies till 3.3 so totally different again!

notsogoldenoldie · 16/02/2015 09:42

You risk assessed and decided the "risk" was worth it. That's absolutely fine, imo, although no doubt there will be others on the blower to SS.

Competitive risk-aversion - only on MumsnetGrin

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 16/02/2015 09:42

Some posters on this thread are hysterical and I don't mean funny. Kids don't need you in their face every moment of every day. Watching TV in a childproof house while parent is upstairs is not neglect.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 16/02/2015 09:50

I've heard of terribly neglectful parents who regularly leave their kids unsupervised for 8 or even 9 hours at a time. Usually 10pm - 7am selfish, neglectful fuckers.

If sleeping parent is not supervising the human race is fucked as can't survive on no sleep. Perhaps parents should sleep in shifts.

This has pissed me off can you tell...

ShadowSpiral · 16/02/2015 10:00

Asleep or not, a DH who's aware that he's in sole charge of a 3 yr old is likely to react differently- and faster - to things happening than a DH who thinks his wife is awake, at home, and looking after the 3 yr old. He might wake up at the noise of a crash or a child crying and think oh, DW isn't in bed, therefore she's up and she'll deal with it, instead of leaping straight out of bed.

A few years ago (pre DC), I accidentally locked myself out of the house when I was taking the bins out. DH was home, but it took 10 minutes of me ringing the doorbell before he finally answered it. He'd heard the doorbell. He just hadn't answered it because he thought I was inside the house, and he wasn't dressed, didn't want to answer it to a stranger when wearing pyjamas, so figured I would answer the door if he ignored it. If he'd realised he was the only person in the house he'd have answered the door straight away.

I'd expect a typical 8 yr old to be fine while a parent had a lie in though.

Notso · 16/02/2015 10:02

FloggingMolly OP said the house was childproof and her son couldn't open the door. She also said her DH was a light sleeper, not what I would call dead to the world.

Jackieharris · 16/02/2015 10:09

I'd live to see how different a thread like this would be in a country/culture where 5 year olds are expected to walk to school alone.

Why is 21st century UK parenting so risk adverse.

It didn't used to be like this here.

Our DCs are not better off from all this helicopter parenting.

bigbuttons · 16/02/2015 10:09

This is all about knowing that you are in charge or not.
Not whether you are sleeping, awake, in one room, in another room. if you are asleep and understand that there is another adult in charge then that is completely different sleeping and knowing you are in charge anyway. If I have had a nap, of a mini lie in when the kids were younger I still knew I was on call and would be ready. If I believed ex dp was in charge an he went out without telling me then that wouldn't be good.

Phoenixfrights · 16/02/2015 10:14

Whilst I do generally agree that we are too risk averse with kids, I think there is a world of difference between a 3 and a 5 year old. 5 yr olds can generally understand concepts like the finality of death and brain damage ensuing from a choking incident. My three yr old would have seemed to understand but then gone to eat the grapes regardless because he didn't really get the danger.

Anyone who knows a child seriously injured while unsupervised would think twice about this.

Aberchips · 16/02/2015 10:54

I would probably have woken my husband up first to tell him I was going out, but in reality it's no worse than leaving your kids downstairs to watch tv whilst you are in bed snoozing upstairs IMO.
There was an adult in the house if your son needed something. As other posters have said though it depends on the child.

notnaice · 16/02/2015 11:06

Yep depends on the child. One of mine would have been fine, one it would have been a stupid thing to do.
I'm sure I fell asleep on the sofa several times at that age with my fine one. She also played in her room without waking us in the morning.
The ops ds wasn't left alone. Someone was available for him.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/02/2015 15:05

Jackieharris - you're so right about different cultures.
I'm the most laid back English parent I know, but am verging on neurotic according to my South African dhs friends. It wouldn't be unusual for them to let their 3 year old out after breakfast, not know where they are all day, then call them in at tea time. Not saying that's right, but it's so so different over there.

manicinsomniac · 16/02/2015 15:44

That's really interesting arethereanyleft Do you hear about many accidents/fatalities? And do you see a difference between those who have lived in South Africa for generations and 1st/2nd/3rd Dutch/British/German immigrants?

sykadelic · 16/02/2015 16:28

As some PP have said, how do people not realise there’s an enormous difference between a sleeping parent aware they are home alone with a child, and one who isn’t.

Many are also assuming that whatever trouble/accident he gets into he makes a sound. He could go outside and get hit by a car/kidnapped/attacked. He could have drowned. All relatively silent and not important to someone who is asleep and thinks their child is safe inside being watched by their other parent.

The OP asked if she was unreasonable. The truth is she was. No sane person can truly think that she shouldn’t have at least told her DH she was leaving the house and him in charge of the child, so he could choose to get up if he wanted. She essentially left while he was in the shower, or outside, or somewhere where he didn’t realise he was the one in charge.

She chose a newspaper over the safety of her child.

She’s also unreasonable because she shifted the blame and responsibility to her DH without telling him. I don’t even let the dogs outside without telling my DH that I’ve done it. I certainly wouldn’t let them outside in the snow and then shower without telling him they’re out there and it’s on him to let them in... but then obviously the well being and safety of my dogs is important to me and DH.