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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have left DS (3) alone for 8 minutes?

206 replies

HTK · 15/02/2015 20:46

I'm wondering if I'm a bit too risk prone. I got up with DS this morning. I wanted the papers so went to the shop and left DS tucked up on the sofa with milk, watching TV for 8 minutes. DH was upstairs asleep with the door ajar but he is not a heavy sleeper and DS can get into the room if needed. The house is childproof, he wasn't eating anything and he can't open the front door.

I "risk assessed" this is my mind and decided it was fine. DH is a bit cross with me and said I should have woken him up to tell him I was going out. I didn't because he isn't the type who would have been able to go back to sleep and he works extremely hard and needs that one lie in a week.

I find I often do things with DS that DH wouldn't do.... Leave him in the car outside the local shop (in view), leave him in the car at the petrol station etc. am it too risk prone?

OP posts:
Chessie00 · 16/02/2015 00:35

Plenty of 3 yr olds wouldn't move from the telly if told not to, and plenty would. You know your own child

THAT is a scary pov on young children. I absolutely detest this 'mummy knows best' bs.

I wouldn't trust any 3 year old to do as they're told all of the time. And anyone who does alway trust a 3 year old to listen is asking for trouble.

BertieBotts · 16/02/2015 01:01

Of course they are, but nobody is saying that they always trust their three year old to listen. They are saying that they think their three year old is mature enough to handle a specific situation.

People know their own child and tend to know how they tend to react in most situations. Therefore you can make a judgement on certain things. I did used to let my DS go downstairs alone from about 4, whether I would do it now? It would depend massively on the house, and the child. DS at 4 would never have tried to climb on the kitchen counters, get food, turn taps on, open the door etc. He just wouldn't have. Of course he didn't listen or pay attention to instructions all the time, he was four - but those were just not things that he did.

I would not leave a child with an adult who did not know they were in charge, ever. That is a separate issue to the maturity of the child, IMO. Until a child is old enough to look after themselves for the duration of the time they are left,

What you can't predict is the really random stuff - most times people risk things is when they don't even realise it could be an issue. If DS had, at 4, decided to put his head inside a plastic bag or saw something he thought was a sweet and inhaled or choked on it, or fallen and not been able to get up or shout for some reason, I wouldn't have known about it. That makes me feel a bit wobbly now but at the time it didn't really occur to me. And nothing happened, so it was fine. But I don't know that I'd do it again.

GreenGrassStains · 16/02/2015 02:02

Absolutely fine, exactly the same as DS waking up before you and playing alone before coming to wake you up. He wasn't unsupervised there was an adult in the house!

sykadelic · 16/02/2015 02:36

YABU. What if something had happened to delay you? What if something had happened that didn't result in your son crying out and your DH sleeping through that?

Nothing bad did happen but it doesn't mean it couldn't. So why are you being so blase with your child's safety? Is it really worth the risk?

You could have waited to get the paper if you didn't want to wake your DH. You could have told your DH "I'm running out to get the paper, be back in 10 minutes" but you didn't. You chose to do something that you didn't need to do and left your 3 y/o child, essentially, alone and unsupervised. Not good.

sykadelic · 16/02/2015 02:38

GreenGrassStains Supervised is not an unconscious adult unaware that they are home alone with their child.

He could have choked on something. Silent. Gone... without a parent there to realise he was quiet, or to look in on him. A newspaper isn't worth that.

TheAnalyst · 16/02/2015 03:30

I think in the house with hubby half-asleep is more or less OK. But leaving your kid in the car while you shop can get you done for child endangerment in the US... so I wouldn't advise doing that.

BramwellBrown · 16/02/2015 03:32

You didn't leave him alone, you left him in the house with DH, who presumably would have woken up if DS had cried/someone had knocked at the door/the fire alarm had gone off, you've said the house is childproof so as long as the front door was locked I don't see how those 8 minutes were anymore dangerous than if DS had woken up before you and been playing quietly.

Out of interest why is playing in their room any safer than playing in the living room in the mornings? If my DC go through to watch TV there are no problems at all where as them playing in their rooms has seen all sorts of mischief I hadn't predicted, including then toddler DD trying to find out if she could fly by putting a plastic table and chair on her bed, climbing to the top, holding her dressing gown out and jumping (she was fine, she had put all her teddies on the floor to break her fall) and most recently DS eating a pot of glitter to see if it would make his poo 'sparkly like unicorn poo' Hmm he's 10.

Mutley77 · 16/02/2015 05:36

I don't think that is too bad and does depend on the child. At 3 my oldest DD used to be downstairs watching TV on her own in the morning with milk and cheerios while we stayed in bed - although we did ask her to come and tell us before she went downstairs (nothing to stop her forgetting to do that though!). I trusted her to come and get me - or scream - if she couldn't deal with something plus she wasn't the type to climb on things or take risks. On the other hand my youngest is 20 months and I can't see her being left out of earshot at all ever yet - perhaps in 18 months she will change beyond all recognition and totally surprise me! It only takes me to turn my back and she has climbed right on top of a totally unsuitable piece of furniture or emptied a load of glassware out of a cupboard (or the most recent classic was smashing my bottles of nail varnish together so that one went all over the carpet!!).

OneDecisionMade · 16/02/2015 06:04

What do YOU think, on reflection? Do you really think that it is okay to leave a 3 year old alone for even 5 minutes when there's no one consciously aware of his presence? He may have been tucked up nicely, but if he'd needed the toilet, etc. and suddenly called for you, don't you think he would've cried had you not responded? How much crying would it have taken to have woken DH up? Was DH happy with your decision or is he unaware?

StripeyCustard · 16/02/2015 06:40

No way at three (especially for a paper).

projecting · 16/02/2015 06:52

I'm pretty laid back but I think I would have let dp know I was going out at least.

I don't understand the problem with leaving your child in the car outside a shop or at the petrol pump at all. Both fine.

projecting · 16/02/2015 07:02

lmao at the mummy martyrs GrinGrin

JeanSeberg · 16/02/2015 07:10

DS eating a pot of glitter to see if it would make his poo 'sparkly like unicorn poo

Ha ha, brilliant. I've got to ask - did it work?

Lovemycatsandkids · 16/02/2015 07:13

Sorry I must be missing something here?

You left your child for 8 minutes with his father?

Unless your dh was drunk or drugged presumably he wakes up like any normal human being to the sound of a distressed child?

Were would put a DVD in for our kids and go back to bed at weekends.

Honestly flabbergasted at some of try comments

hijk · 16/02/2015 08:00

lmao at the mummy martyrs gringrin a comment designed to bully and belittle people making an effort to sacrifice themselves to make sure their DC are well cared for.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/02/2015 08:05

I am really shocked at the preciousness towards older chikdren. So you always get up with your 7/8 year old! I love my lie in at the weekend, my nearly 8 year old dd amuses herself, can get herself a cold drink or snack whilst I lie in for an extra half hour. Not child neglect fgs, she knows where I am if she needs me.

iamdivergent · 16/02/2015 08:09

Not something I would have done. Still wouldn't and my youngest is 6; she would notice I wasn't there and get upset.

A lot can happen in 8mins

treaclesoda · 16/02/2015 08:10

hijk that may well be true but there have been some fairly belittling comments in the other direction too. It's also fairly belittling to imply, as one poster did, that if you aren't keen to get up early with an older child, who doesn't actually need supervision, that the child will feel unloved.

Bakeoffcake · 16/02/2015 08:15

-"Am I missing something here? you left your for 8 minutes with his father?"

Totally agree with Lovemycat

We used to leave my 3 year old like this almost everyday, for about 4 months. I was pregnant with dd2, suffered terribly with all day sick ness. DH would get up with dd1, give her breakfast, plonk her in front of the TV and he would go to work!
However Dd1 was the most sensible 3 yo you could ever meet. She was told to get me if she wanted or needed me. It worked very well and gave me some extra sleep time.

I would never ever have done this with DD2 as she would have created havoc and probably eaten something she shouldn't.

OP you know your own child. Don't feel guilty about this.

WhereIsMyFurryHat · 16/02/2015 08:17

I would have told my DH and DS that I was going and left them where they both were.

JugglingChaotically · 16/02/2015 08:25

Think I would have put DC in bed with DH and toys/iPad.
Have left in front of TV/DVD at that age while I pottered in and out of room, and up and downstairs packing bags or cooking or laundry or similar etc but if DH asleep the WW3 could break out and he'd sleep through it!!

girliefriend · 16/02/2015 08:55

Just caught up with the thread and am also Shock at the suggestion my dd (9yo) feels less loved because I allow myself a lie in at the wends Hmm

I am a working single parent, she has no contact with her dad and so basically other than the occasional night at Grandmas I would never get a lie in. Plus dd is sensible enough to get up play quietly, put the telly on for a bit and get herself some breakfast, hardly neglect. Am offended at the suggestion that I somehow love my dd less because I don't jump out of bed at 7am on a Saturday.

katese11 · 16/02/2015 08:55

All these 3yos that look after themselves in the morning...Are they toilet trained? As in they've mastered getting their clothes down, wiping properly, washing hands etc? Cause I know if I left dd to her own devices I'd have a mess to deal with when I got up... (And she would wake me up as soon as she'd peed in her PJs/tried to empty her own potty etc) that's the main reason she's rarely out of my sight at the moment!

Notso · 16/02/2015 08:59

I remember my Mum doing this with me, my Dad was in the bath. I forgot he was in the there and thought I was by myself. I ran out of the house after my Mum, fell over in the road because I couldn't fasten my shoes and just sat in the middle of the road crying until my Mum came and found me.
My Dad was completely oblivious and had fallen asleep in the bath.

That said I do leave mine for a lot longer than 8 minutes while I'm in the shower, changing bedding, hoover upstairs, hang out the washing etc, doing an exercise DVD.
How on earth do people manage to get anything done if they won't let their children be alone for any length of time? When the youngest two were 1 and 2 and couldn't be left for longer than a wee without causing trouble it was so stressful.

The idea that 8 and 6 year olds can't be left is baffling to me. At 6 my older two would be going to the shop for me.

Bakeoffcake · 16/02/2015 09:04

Kate- yes my Dd was potty trained from 22 months, so she was very able to go to the loo by the time she was 3.

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