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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know where to start and I am rubbish

160 replies

candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 13:33

I am fucking hopeless.

I have realised that aged 33 and supposedly have a degree, yet am still completely, utterly thick.

I honestly sometimes think there is something wrong with me.

Anyway, I'm trying to get DH to move out. He says this is stupid and I would never cope he may be right.

I don't know:

about money
about bills
about anything.

Boilers gone. I don't even know who our fucking electricity company are.

I don't know what I'm going.

OP posts:
antimatter · 15/02/2015 13:34

Do you know where the bills are kept in your house?
Can you find them?

Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 13:36

No. I think they are emailed to DH.

OP posts:
however · 15/02/2015 13:36

Did you ever live out of home, with friends? Or did you just move in with your husband?

Do you work?

Arsenic · 15/02/2015 13:39

You're not rubbish, you're not thick, you're just a bit baffled and bogged down.

Start yourself a file for household bills and one for miscellaneous domestic stuff. You can do this.

CharlesRyder · 15/02/2015 13:39

Is he controlling you by giving you so little responsibility do you think?

Gruntfuttock · 15/02/2015 13:40

This is why I think that ideally everyone should live independently for a few years. I left home at 16 and had to deal with everything myself, from finding accommodation, jobs, dealing with all the financial and the practical things myself.

Arsenic · 15/02/2015 13:41

www.ukpower.co.uk/who-supplies-my-gas-and-electricity

That's that one sorted Wink

gallicgirl · 15/02/2015 13:42

You can do this.

Bills: I assume you can add up.
Take your income. Subtract the amount of bills. If the sum is above zero, you have spending money. If it's a negative number, you need to reduce outgoings.

You should have following bills to pay:
Rent/mortgage
Council tax
gas
electricity
water
tv licence
car or transport expenses
food

Does your DH deal with all the bills? Go through bank statements to see who utility suppliers are.

Hope that helps and don't believe anyone who says you won't cope. You're capable of learning.

ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 13:43

Go back to the solicitor and see if you can get an injunction to get him out.

however · 15/02/2015 13:44

Honestly, if you've ever had a job. Met a deadline, done some simple adding up, you can do it. Of course you can.

Internet banking is your friend. Don't know how to do that? Visit your bank! :-)

gallicgirl · 15/02/2015 13:44

www.gassaferegister.co.uk/

Find someone to fix the boiler here. Get 3 quotes if you can.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 13:47

He's gone. Just with a load of insufferable comments. It wouldn't surprise me if he broke the boiler on purpose, it really wouldn't. I've had to take both DCs out to a retail park on a Sunday with screaming DD and even DS was playing me up and he's normally a star. Bought a fan heater for now as this house gets horribly cold and well he knows it.

See I didn't even THINK about going through bank statements, I swear I am mentally deficient.

I met DH at university so never "properly" lived alone.

Thank you. Sorry. I feel wrung out.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 13:48

I'm glad he's gone. One step forward.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 13:49

He absolutely crucified me before he went and it's just made me hate myself so much.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 13:49

And you've done brilliantly to get him out. Now make sure you move on quickly with the separation on a legal basis.

OhFlippityBolax · 15/02/2015 13:51

What's gone on the boiler? Has he been a twat and switched the pilot light off?

Thumbwitch · 15/02/2015 13:53

You are not mentally deficient, you've never had to deal with this stuff before so why would you know about it automatically?

I know it's a bit different, but when my grandfather died, my grandmother had not only never set foot inside a bank on her own, but had never written a cheque nor owned a chequebook - and this was in the 1980s! (yes, a while ago, but still - I'd had my own bank (savings) account for well over a decade by then)

Some people like to keep the "little woman" in her place by not allowing her access to bills, money, stuff to do with the house etc. - I have a friend who divorced her H over stuff like that and she managed fine to work it all out. You will too!

Just ask questions on here whenever you're stuck, there will always be someone who knows the answer.

lemisscared · 15/02/2015 13:53

Can you find out if you have that gas cover with British Gas or whoever? otherwise you'll need to find and independent plumber. Ensure they are "gas safe" registered and maybe ask around your friends and family for recommendations.

Is your DH still there?

I think if i were in your position i would make an appointment to speak to someone at the CAB.

I would think you'll need a solicitor (some will give a half hour free consultation) especially if you are home owners.

Talk to the CAB about benefit entitlements etc and the solicitor about maintainence.

That is all you need to do for now.

Then when he leaves (call women's aid if you can't make him fuck off) contact the energy companies and tell them that you are taking over the payments and to address the bills to you, by letter or email, whatever you prefer. The same for water compannies (many areas have two, one for waste water, one for supply).

YOU ARE NOT HOPELESS OR USELESS, ITS JUST THAT THE BASTARD YOU LIVE WITH HAS TRAMPLED OVER YOUR SELF ESTEEM TO MAKE YOU FEEL THIS WAY - WHEN YOU PROVE HIM WRONG (WHICH YOU WILL) YOU ARE GOING TO BE SO MUCH HAPPIER THAN YOU ARE NOW.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 13:56

He could well have done, to be honest, although I'd like to think he wouldn't want to see his children cold but if I am totally frank with myself I think he is capable of it. I've arranged for a locksmith to come in tomorrow to change the locks: one of the things that made me realise he had to go was realising he'd started to move things to make me look bad - I mean (for instance) he would hide DD's changing bag then start accusing me of being stupid and scatterbrained and disorganised and all along it was him.

It was horrible ILS. I'm glad I did it don't get me wrong but to say it shook me up is an understatement.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 13:58

That's gaslighting, and make sure you cite it in the divorce.

Of course you'll be shaken up, but you've been very brave. Well done re the locksmith.

Gruntfuttock · 15/02/2015 13:58

Try looking on www.checkatrade.com/ if you are ever really stuck and need a reliable tradesperson to fix or service something. Fan heaters are horrendously expensive to run, but I do understand that you've got to have something for the time being. Isn't there a file somewhere with manuals for appliances and also bills re. any previous work done on your boiler (they need regular servicing so you must have had it done before)?

Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 13:59

Thank you :) I don't think we are with British has now, although I liked them when we were with them before (weird boilers follow me round lol) when DS was a baby, it felt like I saw them every other day at one point!

He is out thankfully, we had all that yesterday and the irony of it happening on valentines day wasn't lost on me. But people you love don't hide your stuff and then call you names for losing it. Not unless there's something wrong with them anyway.

I just wish I had a bit more of a brain!

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 15/02/2015 14:00

Don't change the locks, if the property is in his name too.

Do add additional bolts, locks though.

ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 14:00

No people who love you don't do that.

gallicgirl · 15/02/2015 14:01

Well done for changing locks! I wouldn't have thought of that.

:)

You'll be fine. Remember people are around to help, no matter how daft the question seems.