Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know where to start and I am rubbish

160 replies

candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 13:33

I am fucking hopeless.

I have realised that aged 33 and supposedly have a degree, yet am still completely, utterly thick.

I honestly sometimes think there is something wrong with me.

Anyway, I'm trying to get DH to move out. He says this is stupid and I would never cope he may be right.

I don't know:

about money
about bills
about anything.

Boilers gone. I don't even know who our fucking electricity company are.

I don't know what I'm going.

OP posts:
Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:02

Thanks. DH left with a metal cabinet thing where I assume all financial stuff is.

On Friday I had opened my bank own account, and I have a small amount of income from other sources. The money can go in there. I also withdrew £300 from our joint account so I've got cash. It's just a very cold house (old farmhouse) and the baby will be cold.

I am going to just have to ring up any number of companies and people and explain the situation, and I just wish I could be doing something more productive.

OP posts:
Baddz · 15/02/2015 14:03

Nothing wrong with you love.
And I think you will find you "magically" feel a lot better and suddenly more capable with him gone.
X

lemisscared · 15/02/2015 14:04

You have a brain, he has just fogged it up! Stop being hard on yourself and realise that you are a perfectly capable woman! He is a fucking twat and your life is going to be so much better once he has gone.

I have to disagree with gruntfuttock abuot checkatrade, they are just a money making organisation who charge the tradespeople £££'s to be members and one of their selling points to us (dp is a carpenter) was that they hoik of unfavourable reviews very quickly. we told them to get on their bike as we don't advertise, dp gets his work through word of mouth often my big one.

Another thing to check when you get a plumber is that they have worked on your particular boiler before, especially if you can't locate the manual. (buggared if i know where ours is!! Blush)

Baddz · 15/02/2015 14:04

I try and get tradespeople from personal recommendation...have you got anyone you could ask?

ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 14:05

Well he can take that stuff in the cabinet away but when you file for divorce he'll have to disclose the information. Get to the solicitor ASAP. Everything will get sorted, honestly.

Baddz · 15/02/2015 14:05

If ou type in your boiler make and serial number into google you may be able to print off the manual x

Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:05

You, now I am not sure on this. It is a house left to me in an inheritance so technically it is mine, although of course DH has a 'right' to it insofar as it is a marital asset. Quite honestly though I think - think - I have got enough evidence to justify my actions, I have years, really, of severe abuse covering just about every area and even if I did have to back down I very much doubt DH would want me to delve absolutely everything up.

But in it's way that is the hurt, that he thinks so little of us he would see us sitting being cold. Which sounds stupid given everything else, I guess it confirms I've done the right thing though.

OP posts:
Baddz · 15/02/2015 14:06

Great that the house is yours.
But you do need legal advice ASAP and to get the divorce proceedings started.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:08

Thanks Baddz.

Honestly considering he's been gone 24 hours a lot has managed to go wrong! One of my cats also died yesterday, he was old but I am Sad and it's really upset DS. Couldn't find the keys to the shed and had to buy a spade from B & Q and burying him was awful (obviously the cat not DS.) the boiler just felt like one more thing. Well it was.

I think 'ffs!' sums it all up nicely!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:09

Yeah I know, I think I've got a good solicitor - I say 'think" as to be honest I don't trust people very easily.

The main difficulty is undoubtedly going to be the children.

OP posts:
Baddz · 15/02/2015 14:10

One day at a time...
You are doling great x

realgonekid84 · 15/02/2015 14:12

Y ou are not rubbish. good luck for the future.

Baddz · 15/02/2015 14:12

Dh and I have been married for 16 years.
He sorts the utilities and we change regularly to get the best deals.
So I dont know who our current supplier is, but I know where to find the info.
Also don't know who much the utilities cost per month, but again, I know where to find the info.
You aren't stupid.
You have been treated really badly.

gamerchick · 15/02/2015 14:12

Can you maybe go and have a look at the boiler and tell us what it's doing? Is there a display? Is the switch underneath it switched on.. where are the dials at?

ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 14:15

I bet the keys are all on his key ring. Get the shed lock changed as well when the locksmith comes.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:15

I don't honestly know. Sad

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 14:15

And get the joint account frozen and your half out before he clears it.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:17

I bet you're right ilovesooty.

OP posts:
Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:18

Can I do that though? It's his money?

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 15/02/2015 14:18

Oh lovely, it sounds like he's done a right number on you.
I think you'll find your brain will start to function far better when it's allowed to do it without poison being dripped in your ear about your supposed incapabilities!
Abuse is absolutely what has been going on, as is gaslighting (look it up if you haven't heard of it before) and you need to make notes of everything you can remember him saying/doing, including dates if you can. Start a diary now to note it all down in - it will all be very helpful in the divorce.

WELL DONE for getting him out of the house and changing the locks. And don't be too sure that your inheritance house is a marital asset, there may be some leeway on that but your solicitor should be able to tell you for certain.

Equally, don't be too sure that your H wouldn't leave you and the children cold - abusers aren't prone to caring too much about other people's feelings and needs! Once they feel that you're escaping, they care even less - all they care about is getting you back under their control :(

ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 14:19

Don't forget that the more he behaves like a dick the more credibility your divorce petition has.

And you're right - he won't want everything he's done dug up.

Thumbwitch · 15/02/2015 14:20

I don't think you can freeze a joint account but you should certainly be able to transfer money out of it into your own account. After all, he should be paying towards his children, and that's what you'll need the money for.

ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 14:21

It's family money in a joint account. If you don't act first he'll clear it. It isn't "his" money - it belongs to both of you.

I bet he's got a tidy sum in his own account anyway.

Cloudhowe63 · 15/02/2015 14:21

You are strong and capable. He has played these cards close to his chest. It's a power thing. Did he ever make the effort to sit down and have a financial conversation about household stuff. Don't beat yourself up for not being a mind reader! You saw through his antics and have found the strength to take action. You will be on a steep learning curve. But every step will be a gain. Build on each one. Mumsnet is a great source of info and I like moneysaving expert.com. Flowers

Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:22

Thumbwitch, at first it did cross my mind it was the sort of thing he'd do, but I couldn't see him doing it to a baby, much less his own daughter.

But then I was thinking in his weird logic he would think he was doing it for her - to make me realise I couldn't cope and beg him to come back. He probably would genuinely think that was okay.

I hadn't heard of gas lighting but it's him to a T. He also takes things horribly out of their original context and then 'well you did say that/do that.'

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread