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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know where to start and I am rubbish

160 replies

candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 13:33

I am fucking hopeless.

I have realised that aged 33 and supposedly have a degree, yet am still completely, utterly thick.

I honestly sometimes think there is something wrong with me.

Anyway, I'm trying to get DH to move out. He says this is stupid and I would never cope he may be right.

I don't know:

about money
about bills
about anything.

Boilers gone. I don't even know who our fucking electricity company are.

I don't know what I'm going.

OP posts:

dalekanium · 15/02/2015 20:55

Mainly I kept seeing and hearing things that weren't there, like someone repeatedly shouting my name and seeing myself harming people - I kept going to sleep and 'seeing' myself pushing the pram out under a lorry. Obviously I would never and have never tried to harm my children, although actually I have harmed them through DH but that aside. It was still extremely disturbing, of course

Massivley normal. There's loads of threads on here about it.

Seriously, don't fret. You are amazing And don't let that gaslighting bullshitter tell you otherwise.

laughingmyarseoff · 15/02/2015 20:59

You are doing great OP. If you need to check DH hasn't done something to the boiler to make it go off on purpose then google the manual and have a look at 'troubleshooting' section.

Womans Aid is good for support.

lougle · 15/02/2015 21:30

You're amazing. I'm going to pray for you, that tonight you'll feel warm -no matter what the temperature.

You're amazing.

ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 21:41

You have done what you never thought you could do and have at last seen the bastard for what he is.

You've done the right thing for yourself and for your children.

Be proud.

Original poster

candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 22:16

Thank you.

It's just so - I don't know. It's like. I should be happy, I have the rest of my life now, but it all feels cold and meaningless and lonely. I'm not saying I'm not glad DH has gone. The only thing I can compare it to and I am so sorry if this offends but metaphorically it's like chemotherapy: yes,the cancer has gone but it's left me so weak and ill and drained.

I've lost so much through the years I've been with him, friends, work, opportunities. I hate myself for that. Okay it was him but I let it happen.

I'll be okay, I know I will, but tonight, I'm just not, at all.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 22:26

Tonight it's natural and understandable to feel as you do. Seeing the light and acting on it is shocking and traumatic. The future will be better but it doesn't alter the fact that the here and now is horrible,

And don't beat yourself up for not doing it before. You've done it now and that's what matters.

Original poster

candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 22:38

Thank you. I looked forward to it, to not having him here, I feel like I should feel happier than I do.

I just hope the worst is over.

OP posts:

AmantesSuntAmentes · 15/02/2015 22:57

You've just experienced a massive and sudden change in your life. It's bound to take time to adjust and once you have, it sounds like everything will be so much better and happier for you and your dc too.

The opportunities you feel you missed will come around again, because you have just opened the door to a world of opportunities. Kudos to you for clearing the space for that to happen.

Be kind to yourself and be as kind to your past self as you would be to anyone else who had been subjected to that kind of head wrangling abuse.

Take a breather. Good times are just around the corner

meandjulio · 15/02/2015 23:12

You sound in shock

I really am very bad at many practical things and tbh you sound more competent than me even now when you are in a strange and extreme moment in your life. I hope that you have good days very soon - it's not great to admit it but I have posted on here before that there was a day some time after my xh and I split up that was the best day of my life - I was so, so aware of my freedom through every cell of my body. It took some time to recover from the end of our relationship though.

Original poster

candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 23:19

Thanks, it's the realisation I have no one - absolutely nobody at all.

I can see how it's empowering in some contexts but it's also bloody terrifying!

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 23:22

When I left my husband I was in shock and frozen with terror for several days.

You'll come through it -really.

Original poster

candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 23:25

Thank you. I have to admit I'm a bit scared of him coming round tonight.

OP posts:

Transporter · 15/02/2015 23:39

I agree with a PP that Google (and youtube) is your friend - whatever question you have then Google has the answer! ...and there are a kazillion how-to guides on YouTube aimed at the dooziest of people like me

I've done all sorts of seemingly clever and technical stuff using YouTube - it's amazing

My first thought when my boiler breaks down is to start googling. It might be something simple.

Transporter · 15/02/2015 23:41

BTW I wanted to add that you should change all your online passwords if you haven't already. This is REALLY important if you share accounts/iCloud etc

Do you have findMyPhone on your phone or apple products (or similar if Android)?

ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 23:50

Good point Transporter

I'm not surprised you're scared. If he does come back and you feel worried, call the police.

Original poster

candyflosssky · 16/02/2015 00:10

I will have to get a new phone, definitely. And possibly iPad, I'll take it to the Apple store There's so much to do. And I don't have much of an income. A smallish one from rental properties but literally just enough to keep food on the table sort of thing. I know he'll have to pay CM but to be honest it's not a lot considering how much he earns. I really am very worried about this.

I don't think he'll come back, I don't think but I just don't know, can't be certain. I do feel really vulnerable as we have no neighbours here. DS is in with me.

OP posts:

justbatteringon · 16/02/2015 00:29

Why will you have to get a new phone is it broken? Surely you can just change the passwords. Please please just check Google and see if there's a quick fix for the boiler and definitely get as much out the joint account as you can it's your money too.
Think of how amazing your life will be now he's gone!

TheCatsFlaps · 16/02/2015 02:10

Fuck him, love. He sounds a garden variety cunt based on what you've told us. It will get better, just give yourself some time and a little slack!!! Now, do as others have suggested, get yourself some advice. This happened to my mum - after almost three decades of marriage, beatings and rape. We got there eventually after I turfed the fucker out. The first few years were a struggle, but you WILL get ghrough with your dignnity and, most importantly, your children.

Thumbwitch · 16/02/2015 02:39

candy - I don't know if you're still awake but on the offchance - if you're scared of him coming back, if you're at all worried that there might be any violence, then call the police on the non-emergency number and log your fears.
Call Women's Aid as well for advice, or CAB in the morning. They probably have useful lists of things you can and should do.

Change passwords, yes.
Also find out who your telephone/internet provider is ASAP in case your ex becomes even more of a cunt and cuts it off.
If the phone is a contract in his name, then you need to get one yourself ASAP - you have said this but it must be done quickly so you don't lose contact capability.

Fear is normal - it's fear of freedom. Kidnap victims and people who come out of prison have similar; they've been in a certain state of acceptance for some time, and now their world has changed exponentially - it's scary!
Unknown stuff. How will I cope? Who will I turn to? What if?
Happens to loads of people, and probably contributes to why so many women in abusive relationships do go back to their abusive partner - fear of the unknown outweighs fear of the known (or, better the Devil you know).
BUT! You can get through it. Think of it like this - fear and excitement are pretty much the same chemical response in the body - the only difference is our expectation from the feeling. If you can switch your mental expectation to register "excitement" instead of "fear" it will help you deal with the feelings better, I think. :)

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/02/2015 04:31

Wow! Seriously wow! You've done so much in a short space of time!!

Of course, you'll feel numb, angry, happy, rinse wash repeat!!

You've had a right lifeful of horror... Which you did NOT deserve! You've got to let yourself have some time to process stuff and remember which way is up??! I don't think you'd be as harsh with a pal experiencing what you have?? Would you??!
I wish you courage in your abilities - you are doing so well!

fragileFuckwit · 16/02/2015 04:46

OP, by the time my mum left my dad she was an utter wreck, verge of breakdown type distress, no confidence whatsoever. This asshole has totally done a number on your self esteem, but the more you do. The better you'll feel and it seems like you're already off to a flying start.

My mum went on to do a Law degree, got herself a fine young fella 15 her junior and has been happy for years now.....the bad bits feel light years away, and we're only talking a decade ago.

you won't always feel like this, it's a tough time but it gets better.

puddingisgood · 16/02/2015 09:26

Be careful about telling your bank that you have separated. As soon as I mentioned that, mine said the account was frozen and I couldn't even take a small amount out to tide me over.

Suzannewithaplan · 16/02/2015 09:49

same thing happened to me years ago, I casually and jokingly alluded to a marital dispute and they froze my account!!

notnaice · 16/02/2015 11:33

I lived on my own for years and dealt with bills etc no problem.
DH does all that now. I haven't a clue which electricity company we are with or anything. I'm not worried about this as I know if I had to, I could cope easily enough.

The difference with you is that he has eroded your confidence in yourself throughout your abusive relationship. You also have the difficulty that he will deliberately sabotage your efforts and he has taken all the paperwork. It doesn't matter though. You can cope. You have a degree so you are not stupid. It's just something new that you will be able to get to grips with.

The solicitor should be able to make him give you some information. If not get yourself to citizens advice. I'm not sure that people will deal with you over the phone unless your name is on the bills too, but it's worth ringing round and telling companies your dilemma. They may have advice.

Make seeing the solicitor your priority. Good luck. Believe in yourself. You can overcome the obstacles he puts in your way. You are definitely not stupid. It's his fault for making you think you are. He has no power over you now. You will learn from this experience and come out stronger. Be brave and just get on with in, step by step.

simonettavespucci · 16/02/2015 12:21

How are you this morning candy?

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