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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know where to start and I am rubbish

160 replies

candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 13:33

I am fucking hopeless.

I have realised that aged 33 and supposedly have a degree, yet am still completely, utterly thick.

I honestly sometimes think there is something wrong with me.

Anyway, I'm trying to get DH to move out. He says this is stupid and I would never cope he may be right.

I don't know:

about money
about bills
about anything.

Boilers gone. I don't even know who our fucking electricity company are.

I don't know what I'm going.

OP posts:
Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:23

Ilovesooty - he has. Well a tidy sum minus £300 anyway!

So am I okay to split it down the middle - say there is £7000 in there, I can take £3.5?

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 15/02/2015 14:24

Sounds reasonable to me. But do get advice from a solicitor ASAP.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:25

Yes, I definitely will on Monday.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 14:27

Tell the bank you've separated and that you're withdrawing your half. That's fine I'm sure.

petalsandstars · 15/02/2015 14:29

If you've got the DC I'd take more than half

Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:30

Thanks. I can see him now. I just hope public shame is enough to prevent him bullying although he might just try to say I am insane. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:31

Petals, in fairness through gritted teeth he will have to pay for a hotel for the foreseeable, until he buys himself a new house as he isn't coming back in this one.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 15/02/2015 14:31

Yes, do tell the bank you've separated because in general, they are very kind and helpful. In fact, don't tell them you've separated, say your H has left you. That is technically true even though you kicked him out but will put a far better "spin" on it from your point of view, and gain more from the bank IME.

Hissy · 15/02/2015 14:31

How much more of a brain would you think you need?

You've got a degree (more than I have)

You've freed yourself from an abuser at 30 odd (over 10 years ahead of me)

Call a plumber, get someone to look at the boiler, get that fixed so you ae warm, the rest will come!

You've got us now!

Cloudhowe63 · 15/02/2015 14:31

It is family money. If he is earning, he can work outside of the home BECAUSE you look after the little ones. Your time is a valuable resource and he has obligations to you and your children. Get advice as soon as. I would be tempted to move money now and worry about it later.

Thumbwitch · 15/02/2015 14:33

He might try to say that you're insane but he's going to have a bloody hard time proving it, especially as you're not! Thing is though that if he does he's only going to end up with egg on his face. But he won't see that, and if he's one of the megalomaniacal sort, then he may become more and more outrageous with his claims.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:33

Thank you so very very much all.

I just know I've done the right thing, although I'm sick with fear.

OP posts:
Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:34

Thumb he's tried this before, as I have had post natal depression / psychosis. Of course I now wonder if I actually did or if it was him making me think I did. I honestly feel like someone rewrote my own history. That's terrifying.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 15/02/2015 14:37

PND doesn't make you insane and no GP will attest to that - PNP is a bit more tricky but what happened? Did your GP diagnose you? Did you have medication for it? And you obviously still have your DC so you're still a fit mother :)

It will go badly for him if he tries to use that against you.

antimatter · 15/02/2015 14:39

I guess you were beginning to see through his games and that upset him.
Until he had hold on you he was able to do everything he wanted.

Yo ucan do it.! Fear is normal - is unpredictability.
You have money in the bank, roof over your head.

iwasyoungonce · 15/02/2015 14:40

You must stop saying unkind things about yourself - stupid, thick etc.

HE has done this to you. He's made you doubt yourself. He's gone now (thank God!) and you need to start being kind to yourself and giving yourself the credit you deserve. Be positive about small achievements, and feel proud if what you CAN do.

You have a degree - you're NOT thick!

Knowing who supplies your gas is not something that makes you "clever"!

Now he has gone you must seize this opportunity to slowly take all control back. Little by little. You will grow confident again. You will emerge from this stronger, and you'll look back and realise that you were NEVER stupid. You were just married to an arsehole who wanted to make you think you were.

Good luck OP - you WILL get there, I promise you that. But you need to be on your side. i.e. stop being so hard on yourself. Thanks

Thumbwitch · 15/02/2015 14:42

Another point - is the filing cabinet locked? Can you break into it without it being too obvious? (Or get the locksmith to do it for you when he comes...)
It would be worth copying whatever you can, even though it is legally dubious, and unlikely that you can use it against him - but at least you'd know what was in there.

AlpacaMyBags · 15/02/2015 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 14:45

He's taken the filing cabinet with him.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:45

Mainly I kept seeing and hearing things that weren't there, like someone repeatedly shouting my name and seeing myself harming people - I kept going to sleep and 'seeing' myself pushing the pram out under a lorry. Obviously I would never and have never tried to harm my children, although actually I have harmed them through DH but that aside. It was still extremely disturbing, of course.

In some ways I have come into my own as a Mum as DS has grown: I'm not necessarily a hugely maternal person and am rubbish at playing imaginary games, and I can get tetchy when tired or overwrought. Luckily my DS doesn't seem to take this personally and can inform me somewhat loftily when i am unreasonable!

I am great at making him feel loved and safe and understand the world. I can answer difficult questions with honesty and with compassion and that is going to be so important right now.

I hope I can do the same for DD.

OP posts:
Hissy · 15/02/2015 14:46

Never underestimate abisive twats!

Mine destroyed a much loved PLANT to make a point to me.... They WILL ABSOLUTELY make children suffer to hurt you.

Any tool they can use to get to you is absolutely up for grabs

Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:46

He did, yes.

Thank you for nice comments; I may tattoo 'knowing who your gas supplier is does not make you clever' somewhere Grin

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 14:48

I am great at making him feel loved and safe and understand the world. I can answer difficult questions with honesty and with compassion and that is going to be so important right now

Hold onto that.

Thumbwitch · 15/02/2015 14:50

OH balls, sorry I must have misread - I thought he'd left that behind. No wonder he took it though, he wouldn't have wanted you to know anything that is in it!

Original poster
candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 14:50

Thanks :)

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