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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask- If your child isn't bullied or harassed at school-

167 replies

Tangerineandturquoise · 15/02/2015 11:37

What do you think it is that shields them from such behaviour?
Be it bullying or harassment some children seem to escape and others to be caught up in it. Are there reasons or is it luck?

OP posts:
BMO · 15/02/2015 11:40

Partly luck. Partly some children are odd or have poor social skills which mean other children cast them as "legitimate" targets (not that I'm saying bullying is in any way justified, just that this is often the dynamic in a classroom). Partly bullies seek out vulnerabilities.

YouKnowNothinJonSnow · 15/02/2015 11:42

Because she goes to a special school and not a mainstream secondary where she no doubt would have been crucified.

RufusTheReindeer · 15/02/2015 11:42

My children haven't been bullied as such (one child was hit and kicked by another on a regular basis and this was sorted by the school...I know it's weird not to call it bullying but I think the other child had "issues")

At senior school however both boys have suffered from bigger boys pushing and shoving them but I think they do that to all the children and aren't picking on them and them only IYSWIM

Is that the sort of thing you mean or do you mean only your child being picked on

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/02/2015 11:42

All three of my ds's have never been bullied either at primary or secondary.

Luck maybe?

SetPhasersTaeMalkie · 15/02/2015 11:45

That's a really interesting question. I think luck probably that he hasn't encountered a bully.

DS is really happy at school. He seems to get on well with most people and talks about his friends. He's a bit of a loner out of school though but that is definitely his choice.

In fact reading that back it is exactly my experience of school too. I wasn't bullied and wasn't aware of it going on.

I really don't know why, sorry.

Seriouslyffs · 15/02/2015 11:52

It's mainly luck. Some emotional intelligence and resilience but I don't think that's enough to bulletproof anyone in the wrong environment.
It's not your child's fault.
Flowers

NotAnotherPackedLunchBox · 15/02/2015 11:53

One of my DC has been bullied and the other hasn't.

The DC who hasn't been bullied doesn't have stronger social skills than the one that has been bullied and is probably a bit odder Grin
I think the reason for the difference comes down to the fact that only one of them has a manipulative, violent and bullying little shit in their class.

Seriouslyffs · 15/02/2015 11:55

I'm sure it's not your case, but I've noticed a few children bullied for entirely changeable reasons, weird or dirty clothes, wrong style of hair etc.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 15/02/2015 11:56

The schools policy on bullying and bad behaviour counts for a lot. If it's not tolerated in any form the school likely has few problems.

I also think it depends on the child, like another poster has said some are seen as targets. When I was at school not having the latest bag, trainers, stationery etc was cause for bullying. I now ensure DS has the right items as its one less thing for others to pick up on. Thankfully his school has a very anti bullying policy.

Seriouslyffs · 15/02/2015 11:56

NotAnother Sad
It sometimes is just bad luck.

Theimpossiblegirl · 15/02/2015 11:58

What an interesting question. I think my DDs both fall into that category and they are very different. One is loud, confident and very popular so I suppose wouldn't be seen as a potential target. The other is quieter, more academic but again exudes this inner confidence. I agree that is probably the bullies seeking out vulnerabilities, rather than something non-bullied children actually do.

A good set of friends is also part of it. Bullies are unlikely to target someone who is part of a strong group of friends. Safety in numbers. But a lot of it is luck.

My children are both far more confident now that I ever was as a child, which is one of the things I have always really wanted for them and have worked hard to cultivate.

TwoOddSocks · 15/02/2015 12:00

Sometimes kids get picked on and it's just bad luck other times it's due to lack of social skills, lack of confidence, or some other identifiable reason. Horrible in either case.

Nannyplum2015 · 15/02/2015 12:02

Mine haven't. I think it's because the children are genuinely nice as are most of the parents. A zero tolerance on bullying. also in reception the class teachers supervise and encourage friendly behaviour, makes sure no child is left out and they organise structured games. The children actively learn how to play nicely.

TheBuskersDog · 15/02/2015 12:02

Although pretty shy, particularly with adults, my son has always had a large circle of friends, usually with a couple of closer friends and has generally been popular and well liked.
I think he just fits in, is quite bright and reasonable sporty and whilst he probably doesn't go out of his way to make people like him, nothing stands out or rubs anyone up the wrong way.

HappySeven · 15/02/2015 12:04

I think part of it is luck and part of it is that he doesn't seem fussed if he's a bit different. He doesn't dress fashionably but he seems to not mind and any teasing is like water off a duck's back. He's also friendly enough with the "cool kids" to be slightly cool by association. As a child I minded being different and I think I reacted badly to it being pointed out which highlighted me as an easy target.

I think he's also lucky that he does a lot of sport and so knows a lot of kids through the different clubs he goes to. It seems to mean he's got a support network of others who probably look out for him. After school club and the holiday clubs also mean he has friends in different years which seem to do the same thing.

OhFlippityBolax · 15/02/2015 12:05

Mine has an air of 'im me deal with it or fuck off' which seems to have protected her a great deal and tbh I wish I could develop that skill but i seems to be her innate personality. Just oozes self confidence.

I do think it's something you're born with because neither me nor her father are anything like it.

Callooh · 15/02/2015 12:06

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Lweji · 15/02/2015 12:07

My DS is shy with few social skills.
I thought he would be a target for bullies and was somewhat concerned when he started school.
But afaik he isn't, at least he doesn't get it more than any child has to face among boys at school. He is part of a group of boys who play together at school.
He tends to reject anyone who pushes his buttons, and is happy to play by himself if necessary. There is one in his class that he doesn't like because he can be rough. He wasn't invited to his birthday party and (I have just asked) they don't let him play with them.

Theas18 · 15/02/2015 12:07

Partly luck but an attitude and self belief that really means they can go " so what " and walk away . Mine have alway had lots of extra curricular stuff with different groups too.

with dd1 it was im sure being welded at the hip in a friendship group of 5 for all of secondary. Others dipped in and out but the core group was strong.

DS was bullied ar primary but a little " social engineering" sending him singing, and a book ( he was a very literal child, if it said do this and all will be well it was !) helped. At secondary he was a bit friendless within his year group but had friends 1-2yrs above ( as. All mature child you couldn't tell he wasn't 13) which gave great kudos as safety. After a few years the " kids" matured and he had friends.

Dd2 gets on with everyone. I think it's the skills of the 3rd child. Again gas best friends that are older and some peer group friends but is accepted by all the " groups" iyswim. I used to worry she had no good peer friends, but the older geeky kids are so her thing it doesn't matter ( she had an un valentines sleepover with a couple of other girls).

My 15yr old neice is being ostracised at the moment in a school where there are only 20-25 girls in the year group. This is tough and nasty. It's abroad. There isn't an acceptable alternative school. I think though the fact she has no extra curricular stuff at all and her own other friend goes to the local school and she doesn't have enough language to cope. School us " dealing with it" we shall see.

Artandco · 15/02/2015 12:10

Various reasons I think.

Firstly the school is very anti bullying and very hot on excellent behaviour. So anything they see is clamped down on and discouraged in the first place

Both at home and at school emphasis is on social skills, whilst being polite. We have always been strict on how they should treat others and hopefully the same in return

I am also subconsciously aware of fashions/ what's the in hair cut/ smelling fresh and clean etc, so they don't get picked on as the snotty/ grubby/ smelly child with 59 year old hand me downs.

Lweji · 15/02/2015 12:10

To clarify, DS didn't invite that boy to his birthday party.
DS was invited to the boy's birthday party, but I only saw the invite months later because DS didn't even tell me about it.

Callooh · 15/02/2015 12:11

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Lweji · 15/02/2015 12:11

I actually like the boy's parents and they seem nice people.

Eva50 · 15/02/2015 12:19

Ds2 (now 17) had someone break his glasses and was pushed into a coat peg (and cut his head), both deliberate acts by two different children, in P1 but none of my three have really been bullied. I would have thought that my children would have been prime candidates as ds1 has ADHD and ds2 ASD. Two of them wear glasses and wore eye patches when they started school and ds3 is very highly strung sensitive and has several odd traits.

I think it's mostly luck but also, in part, that they go to a naice school where most parents would take any accusations of bullying very seriously and that the teachers act very quickly to nip things in the bud. I have spoken twice to ds3's teacher about two different children being unkind and she has dealt with it immediately and it hasn't happened again.

I'm sure some bullying goes on in all schools but in the 15 years I have had a child at ds3's school I have only known of one girl there being bullied. This girl was the only child in a very wealthy family and spent a lot of time telling the other children about her holidays, possessions and how much money the family had. The family would not accept that she was playing any part in the problem and felt she was just telling the truth. She moved school.

GokTwo · 15/02/2015 12:24

My Dd who's 12 has been teased a bit on and off for having gay mums. She's quiet in class but pretty confident. We talked to her about the other children's motives and gave her strategies. The main thing we talked about was people's fear of/fascination with difference.

Once we had to talk to her teacher about it and it was dealt with sensibly and immediately. I wouldn't call it bullying though, neither would Dd. Now she's older she's small, still quiet but is actually very strong minded. Since she started martial arts 3 years ago she feels very confident at her high school. She tells me she would have no hesitation in fighting back if someone picked on her.

I'm pleased. I am petrified of confrontation even now and I was always scared of the tough kids when I was at school.

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