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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask- If your child isn't bullied or harassed at school-

167 replies

Tangerineandturquoise · 15/02/2015 11:37

What do you think it is that shields them from such behaviour?
Be it bullying or harassment some children seem to escape and others to be caught up in it. Are there reasons or is it luck?

OP posts:

RufusTheReindeer · 16/02/2015 22:08

I don't agree with feminine

The anecdotes of our own children being quick witted or confident cant be extrapolated out to say this is how you don't get beaten up or bullied at school (in my opinion)

It also suggests that those children who get bullied could have stopped it, if you had ignored them, or not ignored them and made a funny comment, of if you hadn't made a funny comment he wouldn't have hit you

It's a matter of them feeling that they can tell you or a teacher and it will be stopped thats important (again in my opinion)

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 16/02/2015 22:16

Neither of mine got bullied, and for that I am very thankful. They both had the good fortune to fall in with lovely friendship groups which have endured although they have both long since left school. Would being part of a nice group be a reason maybe?

There was a "queen bee" in my daughters class in Year 4 who tried to coerce my daughter into doing her bidding. When my daughter did not play ball, QB left her alone. In fact they ended up being friends.

jonicomelately · 16/02/2015 22:21

bruffin You are talking nonsense.

Feminine · 16/02/2015 23:08

My opinion is that a 'quick wit' helps it doesn't stop it. (obviously)
I think when kids are being flung against walls, beaten etc... This is way worse than bullied. That is assault.
I think there is a fine line between banter and bullying.
Both are unacceptable if the 'recipient' is upset by it.
I also said (in my first post) that most of the time whether a child is picked on is purely down to chance.
I'd hate to think that parents imagine there is a special formula to prevent bullying.
My children (so far) have not bullied or been on the end of it.
I am relieved, as l was....dreadfully.

bruffin · 16/02/2015 23:47

I am not talking nonsense. Thats how my dd handles people not being nice to her and it stops them. Ds had a horrible time for a while. He said he didnt want friends any more. I saw what happened to ds time and time again in real life and on MN. A friwnds dd was going through exactly the same with her old friends. DD saw what happened to her brother in yr 7 and was prepared for it and probably put on a hard skin.
DH was seriously bullied at school and we live the consequences, dh has never got over it. Thankfully dc school do deal with bullying very effectively and dc feel safe there.

jonicomelately · 17/02/2015 00:18

To state that your dd isn't bullied because she's quick witted is nonsense because lots of quick witted children are bullied.

Lamourestbleu · 17/02/2015 00:24

Ds isn't but he doesn't have masses of Bf's either. He has a small group of good friends. He has opinions but doesn't faff off with them, he keeps them to himself. And there is safety in numbers. His best friend and him have one person that could be a bully, but they stay together as much as possible. They will text each other when not together to avoid ie the library, etc. because 'X' is there.

bruffin · 17/02/2015 00:34

Joni
it might not work for others but it worked for dd.

BramwellBrown · 17/02/2015 00:54

DS has never been picked on at all, DD is forever having problems, the only thing I can think is if someone is winding DS up (mostly his sister) he raises an eyebrow and carries on with whatever he was doing as if you're not even worth responding to where as DD will shriek and react, presuming bullies do it for a reaction that makes DD far more fun to pick on than DS. That or its luck, I have to say I like the children in DS' class far more than the children in DD's class.

Wherediparkmybroom · 17/02/2015 08:50

School was a misery for me, outsider, not confident with others, dodgy peer group of bitchy girls. Ds 1 has a large group of friends and no problems he has however been encouraged to 'play the game' as the French say whereas myself and my siblings weren't.
I can clearly see at the age of eight those among his friends who have that popular or cool factor and those that are likely to have problems at secondary when the friendship groups split up. One child in particular has victim written all over him, unfortunately his mum can't see it! The other kids can and while he is protected by his current friends at the moment this is unlikely to carry through when the schools shuffle.
Unfortunately popularity is just luck and I am gratefull that my boy seems to be better at it than I was.

jonicomelately · 17/02/2015 09:20

bruffin You said you agreed with another poster who said that a quick wit keeps the bullies at bay. I think that's bullshit so perhaps we'll have to agree to disagree.

GertrudePerkins · 17/02/2015 09:27

with dd1, it's luck
she has a nice class that don't worry about the right shoes/hair/bag, and where geeky types like dd1 are valued. Fallings-out are generally few and far between, and easily resolved.

dd2 is only four, but very confident, and has a knack of aligning herself with the popular DC. TBH I worry more the other way, and although she and her friends have never targeted anyone I give her lots of reminders to make sure she is open and inclusive in how she plays and with whom, making sure that she gives the shyer DC opportunities to join in.

RufusTheReindeer · 17/02/2015 09:32

bruffin

I disagree as well

But I think it might be helpful if you could explain what you mean about bullying, if you don't mind

Is it mean names and leaving people out of games (in which case looking like you don't care canbe effective....not always though, it can backfire)

Is it getting everyone in the class to ignore you, taking your equipment and work

Is it defacing homework or damaging possessions

Is it pinching or hair pulling or pushing or punching on your way past

Or is it being hit and kicked by either one person or them and their friends

Because all that comes under the definition of bullying in my opinion...and only the first I think you can deflect the rest is down to luck

And I think that might be where the problem is, I think you mean the first couple and loads on here mean the last few

notnaice · 17/02/2015 09:50

Ds is small for his age but afaik hasn't ever been bullied. He has a nice group of friends who stick together. He is seen as a joker.
Dd has a greater inner confidence than ds and again has a good group of friends similar to her.
Neither want to be in the "in"crowd.
There is little drama and jostling for in favour friends. That seems to be the root cause of bullying for some friends children who are excluded or included on the whim of "manipulators".

I think it is luck but being surrounded by a tight group of friends can act as further "armour" in the face of the harassment that every child gets at some point in their lives. The reaction is also important to those incidents but I should imagine that there is an element of luck whether that reaction "best fits" with the perpetrators personality. In some cases, banter may ward off further bullying, in others it may escalate it, and so on.

I agree also that there does appear to be some natural victims. Obvious physical differences, timidity and neediness are like magnets to cruel kids. I really feel for these kids. I don't know what the answer is though. Apart from having a very strong and supportive school obviously.

notnaice · 17/02/2015 09:58

Because all that comes under the definition of bullying in my opinion...and only the first I think you can deflect the rest is down to luck

If these things are happening on a regular basis then it's already bullying. Some children seem to have the knack of deflecting things so that it never gets to the bullying stage in the first place. It is luck but some of it must be down to personality as well, or as I mentioned in a convoluted way personality clashes. You can only deflect things that are targeted at you. I think what the op is asking is why some children seem rarely to be targeted.

Does that make sense. I've confused myself now.

bruffin · 17/02/2015 10:23

Agree with notnaice
Bully is usually something that escalates. DD had comments made to her that she was an "emo" or she should go "cut herself". She doesn't plaster herself with makeup etc and was into My Chemical Romance. (saying that she was probably the happiest bubbliest emo ever) That's how bullying starts, but in dd's case it was stopped there because she had a sharp retort and bullies came out looking silly and they didn't try again. If she shown vulnerability it may have escalated and her life would have been a misery. Some of those that picked on her for being an emo, ended up being excluded for bullying others, but they didn't pick on dd anymore.

Feminine · 17/02/2015 10:36

Yes, bruffin that is what l was thinking/and have seen.
We need to be honest, this is a highly emotive subject.
As parents, if we get the slightest incling that we could prevent our babies being hurt we would.
I think it hurts deeply to read of those kids who seem to have more of a 'buffer' protecting them.
There are some children who are able to deflect bullies, or nip it in the bud.
They do exist.
By the same token, there is no reason why any particular child should encounter a bully.
It is chance,and it isn't fair.

ToffeeCaramel · 17/02/2015 11:08

There will always be children who are targets because of physical differences, shyness, quirkiness etc, but I would hope that the emphasis should always be on cracking down on the bullies rather than expecting the victim to change or develop bully proofing skills. No one has to bully a child because they are different or not part of the cool / popular clique. If repeated efforts by the school to get bullies to stop don't work, I wish that they could be shown the door, although I suppose that's only really possible in a private school.

ToffeeCaramel · 17/02/2015 11:31

they have no self esteem or armour to protect themselves and allow harassment to become bullying due to their reaction.

This seems to be putting the blame squarely on the victim's shoulders.

RufusTheReindeer · 17/02/2015 11:33

In my experience

Children are bullied because they are quiet
Children are bullied because they are loud
Children are bullied because they are popular
Chikdren are bullied because the are not popular
Children are bullied because they are attractive
Children are bullied because they are not attractive
Children are bullied because they are clever
Children are bullied because they are not clever

Etc etc etc

Feminine · 17/02/2015 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RufusTheReindeer · 17/02/2015 11:35

They just had the bad luck to run into a bully

RufusTheReindeer · 17/02/2015 11:35

feminine

Feminine · 17/02/2015 11:35

Oh no. So sorry. This was supposed to be in the bra question. I will try to get it moved.

ToffeeCaramel · 17/02/2015 11:37

Wrong thread Feminine, but why not get properly fitted in a shop?

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