To ask- If your child isn't bullied or harassed at school-

[Tangerineandturquoise]

What do you think it is that shields them from such behaviour?
Be it bullying or harassment some children seem to escape and others to be caught up in it. Are there reasons or is it luck?

Luck probably. Also dd is very unbothered by bitchiness and doesn't engage at all. I've noticed that some of her peers seem drawn to girls who are testing out there power. Inevitably they then get drawn into the fall out. I think my dd genuinely doesn't seem to find power, drama or being part of the in crowd exciting so stays out of it as much as she can. Of course, if the mean girls decided to pick on her, there would be little she could do about it. But being so disinterested may be a slight protective factor in her context. Also, she has a group of exceptionally nice friends who are all similarly disinterested in being cool and who look out for each other. Safety in numbers?

DD is far too nice to be bullied I think. DD is just a happy character and would shrug it off. She's not really one for being in the in crowds either.

Plus DD would probably hit back.

Secondary might be different.

My eldest is like myself. No bullying as he has high emotional intelligence, adapts easily in groups, has a high level of resilience and essentially an I don't care attitude.

When I was at school I was happy to take the mick out of myself which I think potentially reduces you as a target as if someone tries to make a point of something I was happy to make a joke out of it. I do have high confidence but at the time of my school years had the same emotional hang ups as other teens but was also very realistic and knew I was never the beautiful/popular/brainy one and I was ok with who I was.

I think it's down to luck and the schools zero tolerance on bullying. So far my girls haven't been picked on and I hope they never do. I got harassed in high school and it's hell. So far they are having a far happier experience of school than I ever had and I hope it continues.

Firstly a school where teachers have a eye out for children being excluded, and a culture of 'tell'.

DS is a good sportsman and this has accrued respect.

DD has had a strong group of 3 friends around her ever since nursery. It will be interesting to see what happens to her next year - she will be going to a secondary school with no one she already knows.

I think it is luck, a good school, and partly personality.

One of mine is inwardly confident, slightly aloof, and just laughs at any attempt to pick on him (or rolls his eyes and goes to the teacher).

The other could be on Mars. He is so engrossed in his world, any nastiness just doesnt register.

I was bullied at school. The only respite I got was a couple of years when I was not at catholic school. I went back for secondary and met up with all the old crowd who pretty much picked up where they'd left off. As a result my self esteem was very poor and I had social problems to the extent that the school referred me to a psychologist to see what was wrong with me. My younger brother went to a different school and had no problems. He was always happy and confident and had lots of friends. I lost my dad when I was 6 and I wonder if his illness and death marked me out as vulnerable somehow. My brother was born later in my mum's second marriage and had a lot more "normality". Or was it just that my peers were spiteful little shits?

My son has had 'teasing' about his height which some children would react to as bullying but he never acknowledges it so it hasn't affected him. He is the sort of boy that no one would dislike and has kept the same friendship group since the age of 4. He is v lucky with that group of boys. They turn 15 this year and have never had a serious fall out. My daughter is in a large friendship group which I think can be easier than a close group of 2-3. I think she craves a special close friend but she changed school in year 3 and does not live close to anyone. The only time she has been bullied is by an older neighbour who claimed to be consistently bullied herself, shame she couldn't recognise her own cruelty.

GokTwo I think the point about fear of / fascination with difference is a great point. I think that's often at the basis of a lot of bullying, at all ages.

I also think continuous (rather the one-off) bullying can result when the child being bullied refuses (either consciously or unconsciously) to conform or to conceal the difference that caused them to become a target of bullying in the first place.

I was bullied a lot at school, but multiple different children at multiple different ages. I think the root 'difference' is probably that I was very successful academically, and also a quite happy 'loner' - I didn't care about being in the popular gang, I'd much rather be sitting under a tree with a book 9 lunchtimes out of 10. I was bullied, but I never changed my behaviour - I carried on always putting my hand up in class, reading my books, etc. I think that infuriated the people who bullied me.

That said, comments about the school environment are very pertinent too. I was bullied worst whilst at a school which, looking back on it, had a very bad approach to dealing with bullies. Half the time I was told to "think about the bullies" and what their lives must be like to make them want to bully me, and if I ever defended myself I was treated as if I was worse than the people trying to hang me by my collar on the coatpegs in the first place.

"What do you think it is that shields them from such behaviour?"

I expect to be crucified for this, but tbh it's that I took him out of state school where he was a complete odd one out and put him in a private school where there are other kids who like singing, who aren't interested in football, who enjoy reading, and so on. He's not one of the crowd, but it's a school where almost nobody is one of the crowd - it's considered normal to have non-mainstream interests.

Plus in the only incident of violent bullying I've heard about there, the kid was immediately suspended for a week. I suspect the kids are a bit less blase about bullying where they're in a situation that the school can just say "we're not having this here, don't come back."

None of my three have been. I'm under no illusion that that's down to anything other than luck, though, sadly.

I think parents play a part.

I was bullied because I was a teacher's pet and a show-off. I wish my mother had been a bit less headstrong. She insisted that I had to keep going and 'show them'. That only encouraged them more, but she could not see that at all.

Dd1 is constantly harassed by the same group of girls. The ring leader is a former "friend". Tbh she bullied dd1 when they were friends. I think she is a bit obsessed with dd1. The friendship became too much for dd1, who shut things down when the constant "You made me cry at school today when you talked to X. I thought I was your only BFF" messages at daft o clock at night started escalating to this girl asking dd1 to bully others. This girl is very manipulative and has turned most of the other girls in the class against dd1, by spreading lies about her. One of the girls has told dd1 in confidence that she is only joining in because the ring leader has told her that she will bully her also if she does not.

There is nothing dd1 could have done or not done to stop this. She wears the up to date fashions, has the "in" phone, nice hair etc. She does not act bratty or weak. Her teacher tells me she is a genuinely lovely girl and a pleasure to have around and gets on well with everyone outside of this particular group. He can't understand why they are so nasty to her and was very upset when I showed him some of the pictures she'd made about how she feels at school.

It cooled off for a while after I went to the school daily for two weeks about what these girls had been doing but has recently started back up, since dd1 has made new friends and started moving on. I think this incensed the ring leader, who has stepped things up again. I've made the school aware that if it descends into being as bad as it was the first time round I will be referring the matter to the police as harassment. They message her constantly on Instagram/Skype, we've screenshot and saved every message or nasty comment. When she blocks them, they get others to message her on their behalf. I've taken her off Instagram and Skype at one point but she got very upset and said she felt she was being punished for being bullied, so I allowed her back on but monitor it more closely. We immediately block anyone who acts on behalf of the bullies and she can still keep in touch with friends and family who live away.

Dd2 otoh has a birds nest for hair. Regularly falls in mud or climbs a tree on her way to school, bases her fashion sense on the Little Orphan Annie and has never been bullied and is loved by all. I can only put that down to her sense of humour and laid back confidence, she genuinely does not care if she is messy or if people do not like her. As long as she can still climb trees and run wild, all is good in her world. If she was bullied I doubt she'd even notice. She's also not adverse to violence if she feels pushed far enough, whereas dd1 would never hit back.

I think it's wrong to believe that the victim has any control over whether they are bullied and could easily lead to victim blaming. The only way to not be bullied is to not cross paths with a bully.

My DD12 says that no one bothers because they know she doesn't care. She doesn't respond to the low grade stuff and generally aims to blend in, doing nothing to make her stand out. I guess she is lucky because her looks help her blend in (she is an ordinary height/weight etc) and has enough self confidence.

DS2 has a BFF which I think makes people think they'd be taking on 2 kids rather than one (they'd be right) and they are part of a nice circle of friends. He speaks up for himself in the way that a lot of younger siblings do.

DD1 is nice. She is very intuitive about people and stays away from the group of girls in her class who always seem to be falling out or crying. She is a good friend and a bit of a social butterfly. She gets it from her father, who is also lovely.

DS1 is a different story. He has always been a bit anxious and massively over analytical don't know where he gets it from. He takes things to heart and for years would burst into tears at any perceived slight. He would hang around looking mournful if something wasn't going his way and was generally very pessimistic. He wasn't 'bullied' as such, but felt it due to not being able to deal with quite ordinary childhood problems, like letting a goal in and having the rest of the team moan. He made himself a target by giving such huge reactions to things. Someone might say 'you aren't allowed on the swing' and whereas dd would think they were a twat and go on the swing anyway, ds1 would run home and stay in his room the rest of the summer, convinced that everyone hated him. He has really changed in the last couple of years and is much more accepting of himself. I'm actually quite proud of the way he has developed but I just hope he stays true to himself when he goes into Y7 next year. He is also massively fit, although not the best at team games because he struggles to anticipate what other people will do, he still gets kudos for it.
This book made a huge difference to his attitude

I can't tell you why my DC haven't been bullied but I think I was bullied because their was a gang of bullies who took a dislike to me (apparently I walked like a slag).
The bullying continued for years because the school did nothing about it, (my year 8 HOY laughed and said your pretty, popular and clever. What do you expect? Stop being friends with boys and wearing make up).
I didn't feel I could talk to my parents. I felt I was letting them down in some way. My Mum always told me to ignore bullying. I tried that, it didn't work. One of their aims was to make me cry which I never ever did in front of them.
My Dad always told me to stand up to bullies. That didn't work either. When after three years I did, one of the girls got her older sister and aunt to hold me down while the others beat me up.
My parents were still unsupportive even after this assault. They phoned school, but didn't come in with me. The deputy head got me in a room with them and told me to decide if I wanted them to get detention, suspended or the police. He told me the police would be cruel on such young girls.

I honestly thought ds1 would be bullied at school, I was so frightened for him

But it never happened

Because he's oblivious, kids have tried to bully him, he has autism and has been in a really rough EBD school (wrong placement) and the teachers said that even the worst bullies there were lovely with him. They tried name calling, he laughed and repeated it, they hit him and he laughed, then they gave up.

Apparently some of them were really taken aback by him but I'm sure he won't be like that forever and I dread the day someone upsets him

self-confidence and self-esteem
popular siblings
a school that creates conditions and that does not tolerate bullying
good people skills
mainly, a shed-load of luck

I failed on all of those personally in primary school, but came into my own in secondary mainly with a lot of number 4 and faking number 1.

Both my children have come through school without problem.

I have given them a huge sense of self worth enabling them to understand that others have the same self worth.

I remember reading an article about why young men who stab others see no issue with doing so. A leading cop put it down to these young men having no self worth ergo not seeing others as having self worth so not understanding what the ramifications of their dying.

Oh and both my kids know that it's better to be uncool than to be cool by way of putting others down.

DS is naturally cool, dd is a beautiful geek.

I think it's part luck part confidence.

Not necessarily self-confidence either, but the ability to assert themselves in certain social situations.

It's also luck of the draw when it comes to classmates. An insecure child looking to put themselves at the top will use the weaker members of the class to get there no matter what.

I remember two girls who were bullied at school, one was painfully shy, and had short unstyled hair, grubby uniform and wasn't very hygienic overall, and another was confident, beautiful, long dark curly hair, make up and the latest fashions.

One was bullied for being too different, the other for being too perfect.......

I think it's a combination of a lot of things:

Luck (lots of it)
School's management of behaviour (probably one of the most important)
Self-confidence/people skills
A solid peer group (it is very hard to bully a group as opposed to an individual)

My DDs were both bullied - briefly - at primary, for being 'too academic'. The school dealt with it sharpish. They are now both at secondary and they both have a group of friends around them who are like them - all academic sporty types who like to read the same kinds of books and talk about them. It's a group of about 8 in each case, and it's difficult to target 8 people who are all standing up for each other.

If your child is not subjected to bullying or harassment, could it be that they are doing the bullying and harassing to others?