To ask- If your child isn't bullied or harassed at school-

[Tangerineandturquoise]

What do you think it is that shields them from such behaviour?
Be it bullying or harassment some children seem to escape and others to be caught up in it. Are there reasons or is it luck?

Odd slant. I'd have to say its because the vast majority of children are not bullied or harrassed in school at all.
Or is it endemic in the UK particularly? It's not something any of my children have had to worry about. I have one with some additional needs and he is almost cossetted at school sometimes by his peers, its quite sweet.

tangerineandturquoise, I saw your follow up posts - have you had a look at the video I linked? My dc was in a similar situation and watching it helped him enormously as it made him feel (a) it happens a lot (b) it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him (c) there are things that can be done, including talking to adults and a key thing is making friends with his type of person - not people who will tolerate him but with people who "get" him and who he "gets" and who have similar interests - and like another poster has said once there is that group in place it is more difficult for him to be picked on.

DC had lost confidence in his ability to make friends (in fact, it was the mix as he is usually very good at gravitating to people he has things in common with - we had moved and the new mix wasn't great at first) and so I also found some videos about how to make friends, to remind him, and it did make a difference. He has now shrugged off the angst and from what I can see he isn't being teased or picked on anymore.

it sounds awful so sympathies - at first I completely floundered and I was so worried about the affect it would have on him - it might be that the videos aren't your cup of tea, but basically what I am saying is that there is an answer out there, just a matter of finding it.

I wasn't bullied at school and so I wasn't sure where it came from - thinking back my schools were very, very good at teaching children to be kind and not tolerating mean behaviour, ever, and getting to the root of problems.

I think whether parents should get involved or not depends on the age of the DC; the attitude of the school and the extent of the bullying.
No DC should be getting assaulted every week and if that is what is happening then please escalate it within the school.

After one particularly bad week, we removed DS from school until the HT presented us with an action plan to keep him safe. In our case, it became clear within 2 weeks that they weren't going to implement the plan they'd agreed and as such we moved DS to a different school. But, I have friends with DCs in different schools whose HTs did act decisively and the bullying stopped.

I hope it gets better for your DC.

Some of these posts are ridiculous. If some people want to believe that they can make their dc immune from bullies by teaching them how to banter they are extremely naive.

If some people want to believe that they can make their dc immune from bullies by teaching them how to banter they are extremely naive

Joni yy or they're just very lucky that they haven't been faced with a reality where banter; role-playing; hitting back; getting a parent to speak to the bully; involving the school, etc, etc have all failed to work.

I guess it's comforting to think if you have a magic banter blanket your DC will never be bullied.

I think the problem with this thread is in bracketing bullying and being harassed together. They are not the same thing.

The majority of children will be harassed at some point in the their time of school. The majority of children will also harass another child.

Actual bullying is much rarer and it's usually easy to see why it's happening. I don't believe that it's very often about luck (clearly there are exceptions, some of them on this very thread).

I think partly it comes down to a child's attitude and perception. Children (even older ones) are not always able to accurately describe what they are experiencing. Many use the term bullying far too lightly. For example, I have a pastoral tutor group which includes two children with SN. I get frequent complaints from other children (and sometimes even parents!) that these children are 'bullying' them. They absolutely aren't. They've simply misinterpreted a social situation, lost control of themselves or got themselves stressed out. Their behaviour is never targeted against an individual for being that individual. That to me is the difference between harassment (regrettable, needs sorting but happens) and bullying (needs stamping out).

Reasons why children get bullied (ime):
*they are visibly different in some way that goes beyond mild teasing (glasses, braces, extreme height, extreme weight, red hair etc)

• they are socially different in some way (quirky, SN, overly confident, under confident, abrasive etc) *they have an unusual home background/culture *they are very clever or very low ability (depends on the school which is more likely to seen as negative) *they have unusual extra curricular interests or interests that are seen as unacceptable to or different from the main stream/dominant school culture. *they have no self esteem or armour to protect themselves and allow harassment to become bullying due to their reaction.

I think that, if a child manages to escape all the above circumstances, it's unlikely that they'll be systematically and consistently bullied. Of course many children in the above categories won't be bullied either.

I think that sub stained bullying happens when there is crap senior management. Sensitive child should not have to fundamentally change who they are to avoid nasty bullies.

The measures I suggested were to bolster confidence and self esteem. There is no substitute for senior teachers doing their jobs.

I'd agree that the main problem is sustained bullying, and that can only really be sorted by the school.

Bullying incidents or harassment, or whatever we want to call them, everyone will probably experience in school and in life.

Neither of my kids got bullied.

DS1 is now 18 and working but at school ( much to our annoyance) he treated it as a youth club where he could go and meet this friends. He was the class joker which is bloody annoying from a parents and some other children's point of view but it shielded him from bullying. He was Mr popular with everyone and always got good reports from the teachers who saidhe was very likeable. God knows how he got the exam results he did!

DS2 is a different kettle of fish. He has a strong group of friends and is the peace maker amongst the group ( no idea where he got that from). I have been surprised when a few parents have commented about how clever he is and his friends have said how 'cool' he is. Even kids that he isn't friends with know him (I work with teenagers and have said. Something like oh, you go to st Hilda's, do you know Jordan .....) I think it helps that he plays a very cool sport and is in the team helps. If he has a home match I have noticed a crowd of about 6 or 7 go down to specifically to watch him. I know this because they go to his school, shout his name and he is the only one from our town in the team ( not football, rugby cricket or anything like that)

I have also done my best to make sure they fit in. I have spent a fortune on Adidas, Nike and Vans trainers, my weeks wages have gone onEtnies hoodies etc and as soon as a school trip is announced I have made sure that they have had a place.

Maybe it was luck they didn't get bullied,maybe their personality,maybe I ad some input. Who knows? I don't know what the answer is, just to tell you how we got through the school years.

I agree with manicinsomniac - "Many use the term bullying far too lightly". There have been incidents in DS's class, he is in Scottish P4 age 8-9, there has been some bad behaviour, but I feel labelling as bullying, particularly by parents, cements the actions and gives it permanence in a way that calling out what is and isn't acceptable behaviour, doesn't.

There has been an incident in DS's class recently which has resulted in the threat of a whole class punishment for the boys, it seems idiotic to me and most of the parents and has escalated what was a fairly minor misdemeanour into the talk of the playground and has cemented the boy it happened to as the victim and the boy who most think did it as a perpetrator which cannot help either of them.

My parents became JW'S in the late 70's, at that time it meant me sitting out religious assemblies and not being invited to parties, so I suppose I was the odd one out..
I've heard every joke, taunt ever made about the religion, the more severe teasing was met with me giving the individual or group responsible a good crack, even the teachers back then never intervened..
Teenage yrs the spectre of depression loomed as I just wanted to be accepted, even though I had friends I was still that kid with the odd religion, more fisticuffs followed ...
Luckily I was a good sportsman at school which gave me a confidence and a partial acceptance amongst my peers..
Then I left school and rebelled, left home and basically wasted a good decade finding my feet and became involved in a destructive life course..
I think in some ways, certain aspects can be character building, I'm very single minded and not swayed by group opinion but have a suspicion of new people and don't make friends easily...

It's not a life experience I would like for my children..

Joni I never said banter would "make them immune" but it certainly teaches them to be quick with verbal responses to the verbal teasing which occurs in most schools....and to do it light heartedly.

Lots of people on here have posted along the lines of saying they have taught their dc how to avoid being bullied MrsTawdry You were not the only one. The reality is that children who are not cool get bullied. Children who are cool get bullied. Children who are not quick witted get bullied. Children who are good at banter get bullied. Children who are not good at sport get bullied. Children who are good at sport get bullied. I could go on but I'm sure you get the point.

My DS (15) has Autism and Dyspraxia and is a not one of the popular lot! However, he tends to left alone and nobody really bothers him. I'm not sure if it's luck or the fact he's 6ft 2 and really broad...

DS1 couldn't banter if you handed him a written script. He has a good vocab and a reasonable sense of humour but he just doesn't 'get' that kind of exchange. One of his friend's Dads does a lot of 'banter' twatty jokes and low level teasing and ds thinks he's a dick and hates going over when he's in. He would hate to be that sort of person.

I find this question offensive and akin to "if you haven't been raped, what do you think has shielded you from this".

One of the most upsetting things someone has said to me is "[nameofdc] has never been hit at school. I guess that's just the kind of girl she is" when my DS was getting physically assaulted regularly.

Of the 7 dgc I have at school in the UK two have been bullied, both girls. One changed schools in Yr4 and was immediately picked on by the mini'queen bee'. Dgd is blonde, beautiful, clever and sweet. She is also very very shy. After a year of being told by the school that dgd must learn to adapt her parents moved her back to the original school driving an extra 20 miles a day. This wasn't perfect but there was no more bullying and she is now happy at secondary school. Neither of her two older siblings ever had any problem at all.
The other 'victim' was badly bullied from the start of Yr8. She is 'geeky', loved Shakespeare, classical music and art. She tried too hard to fit in and was bullied even more. She was called 'sad' and 'ugly' and has been slowly destroyed. She refused the chance to move to an independent school and insists that she will cope. She no longer has friends over. She does, however, enjoy the company of her cousins and relaxes with them. She will be 15 this year.
None of the boys (4 of them) aged from 17 down to 6, has ever been other than popular and happy at school. I don't understand why they have flourished when the two girls have had such a rotten time.

Momieplum thanks for the video I have watched it, and will look at it with DS I suspect, I have also thanks to another PP been looking at books on Amazon.
Moving isn't always easy, you have to find a space in a good school-even if I can I don't want to move a problem, although I am beginning to think I wont be. I watched DS today in an activity and realised he can answer back sometimes.
The school's head is on long term sick and it is hard to pin anyone down, especially as much of this has been put down to special needs of other children.
I do agree things can be over labelled, and that there are varying degrees of bullying and harassment, being constantly harassed nudged knocked and made fun of can be as draining as can having angry children taking their anger out on you as a child or children getting over excited and hitting and kicking. Some of it may be an out of balance year group I agree, but what ever it is, my child is suffering, and from what I can see (although I accept I may be wrong as I am not there) more than others.

I don't agree it's akin to asking about rape. I think it is about asking what people think, and seeing if any of the suggestions might work for DC.

yetanother

I agree, I think it's luck...they just haven't come across anyone who wants to bully them

I don't think there is anything you can do except try and stop it once it's started

A quick wit, does help keep the bullies at bay.
Of course it doesn't make a child immune, but it helps to nip it in the bud (in the early stages)
That, and so so looking like you don't care.
Neither of those things can be taught, so... I believe it is just luck.
I said as much earlier.
Children love to wind each other up, even the 'nice' children do it.
Children also love to get a reaction....
Kids that are 'lucky' enough to look as if they haven't noticed, will, (by default) have an easier ride.
I agree that it won't prevent Kids trying it on.

How does a 'quick wit' prevent a child from being punched in the stomach or from being cyber bullied

Feminine the problem is that some DCs actually start with the physical side of bullying. It doesn't necessarily escalate from a cheeky comment that could be diverted by using your quick wit. If someone a head and shoulders taller than you, and twice as heavy, pushed you up against a wall, trapped you there and proceeded to hit you, you'd find there are very few if any smart comments that will 'nip it in the bud'.

Joni I agree with Feminine
Dd is very quick witted and doesnt get bullied. I think have tried but the come off worse so dont take it any further. She is a very sweet and kind girl, just doesnt take any nonsense from anyone.Ds had a hard time in yr 7. It was friends who had a shock going from being the big fish a pond to being tiddlers in a big sea. The were trying to get back on top and didnt care who they trampleon. Their school is good att stopping bullying and ds ended up best friends with one of them.

DS also had training in fighting bullies. He has learnt how to escape and control in some situations.

As I have trained in self defence, I have also taught him and practiced how to get out of some sticky situations. Like when he said that one boy in his class put his hands around the throat of another boy. They reported it to the teacher and it seems it stopped, but just in case, DS has learned about 4 different ways of fighting back from that.
And other typical bully attacks.

Just checked. Said boy is no longer in his class. I hope it was through action of the teacher.