To ask- If your child isn't bullied or harassed at school-

[Tangerineandturquoise]

What do you think it is that shields them from such behaviour?
Be it bullying or harassment some children seem to escape and others to be caught up in it. Are there reasons or is it luck?

Teachers attitudes. I have four, three never had a problem but one did big time. What started out as a bit of jealousy as she was very bright became a big problem because her teacher seemed to feel as threatened as the other kids. After two years of strife one of the governors saw her watching as my daughter was assaulted. We were called into school and there she was at the gate crying and begging forgiveness before we saw the head.

I would cheerfully swing for the evil old cow. Fifteen years hasn't helped me put her behaviour in any sort of perspective.

ES has had a few scrapes with other children, nothing hugely worrying, though. Both times he was picked on at Infant school he resolved the problem himself (the second time two boys were picking on him; one holding him, one hitting him so he got them both by the hair, dragged them across the playground and presented them to a dinner lady). He's huge, though, for a 9 year old, so isn't an ideal target.

He had a fight this Monday just gone where a boy pushed him backwards over a bench in school. ES punched him in the nose and made him bleed. It sounds dreadful (and it was dealt with severely by school) but I was secretly a tiny bit pleased he defended himself because it must be very hard knowing your child can't/won't defend themselves.

I need to point out this was never physical. We said to ds that if this boy did hit him it would mean he didn't know how to respond to what ds had said. We also taught him that swearing was a sign of a poor imagination and invited him to share this insight with the boy in question.

Charlotte3333 did he push him on purpose or was it an accident?

I think any child can be bullied actually. Certainly self poise, humour and confidence may help avoid but if bullies are persistent this can be eroded. Certainly bullies operate by isolating the victim, whose friends may lack the confidence required to see the bully off. It makes me a bit cross that people view victims as lacking certain character traits.

I agree that most children will encounter forms of bullying.
It's more how they are affected by it, and how intense it is, that really varies.

As I said, DS has met those children, but hasn't been affected particularly.
I remembered since last posted that he later complained about one place he went over the Summer about the children there who called names. Too late to do anything, but he refused to go back because of that. Still, he didn't seem too upset about it when he was actually there.
We'll see how it goes next year, when he moves to a bigger school.

I worried about DS (now 16). He has obsessions, he doesnt always pick up on social cues. He was obsessing about what he was going to wear to prom. I was worried and talked to his younger sister - she is in the year below. She said 'dont worry mum, he has a great group of friends. If anyone says anything they'll deal with it'.

Something I did with all three DCs was to insist that they did something outside of school. Having an outside activity can take the pressure off school friendships. The out of school activities were all ruthless about bullying which also helped.

I think the school has the biggest influence. Then luck.

Sad to say how naice a school or the parents are has nothing to do with it, DH went to a very exclusive and well known private school and there was a lot of physical bullying, the school didn't deal with it at all, probably was seen as character building . He just told me about an incident where he turned up in a class covered in mud and with ripped clothes having just been beaten up in the playground and the teacher just said 'what did you do?' but didn't pick up on the fact that it might be a bullying incident. His parents didn't know he was being bullied and still don't know.

That is obviously a story from 30 years ago but I've got friends with kids of different ages who are having horrendous time with bullying and the school not dealing with it adequately. Both at 'good' schools.

We've not had any issues yet but my eldest is just in year 2. She's pretty popular so TBH I look out for signs of her being mean to other kids rather than her being the victim, although teachers tell me she's quite caring so long may that last. The idea of bullies being victims themselves is sadly not really the case, it's usually the popular kids that are the bullies. They certainly were at my school. Ever seen the issue of TBBT where Penny realises she was a bully at school?

my DD was bullied by one girl and all the communication with the school was pointless (family was v favoured by the school as dad was a famous ex sportsman).
My DD was targeted as she showed that she cried really easily, over almost nothing.

In the end I spoke to the perpetrator (2.5 years older than my grade 1 child) and it all stopped. OK I was persona non-grata and the head will not speak to me now, but I was not horrible to the kid, just said ' please don't be unkind to DD, it makes her really sad'...and it did the trick. I think the other kid did not like being outed on her behaviour.
No regrets as my daughter now loves school and learn a valuable lesson about bullies are often cowards when confronted.

Ds1 was never bullied because he was arrogant, extremely loud and very confident. Nothing ever bothered him. He pretty much steamrollered his way through primary school

Ds2 is bullied because he's quiet, polite and well mannered.

my ds has been bullied & ahs had hassle at school.
From what I can see he is lacking in that ability to be comfortable with himself.
His friends that don't get any hassle (even those that stand out from the norm) have a certain confidence, certainly not cocky but are happy to be themselves.

Ds1 is oblivious to bullies. He doesn't really notice or maybe he just thinks they're joking, either way the mean kids stopped paying attention to him.

Ds2 is only in nursery still, but the children tend to ostracise the mean kids as a group. They seem to let them back into the group if they do something nice for somebody.

My daughter was physically assaulted on several occasions including being held under the water in a swimming lesson while teacher watched. I honestly don't know how her not noticing bullying or being confident could have helped the situation.

I know I am sensitive about this subject, you watch a 9 year old crying and saying they would rather die than face the bullies again and try to be detached about it. It sounds like alot of people are blaming the victim, it is irrelevant if they are quiet, odd, geeky or whatever no one has the right to harm them.

One of my children has always been very social and made friends easily, he has often been the target. He's at secondary school and has a small group of good friends but is generally picked on, last year was bad in some of his classes. Its often physical but he holds his own and its becoming less. If we go on holiday he always makes a friend And hes had a few girls after him.

My other son has some social anxiety issues in large groups and takes ages to make friends. So far he hasnt been picked on but I don't think he'd notice. Often the older kids greet him, i think he has managed to pull off an aloof, but occasionally happy to share his random thoughts, image thing. He never makes friends on holiday but doesnt want to.

I'm not sure there are any rules.

From what I can see he is lacking in that ability to be comfortable with himself

This was my ds a few years ago. I think he threw himself into the path of kids who where quite alpha, trying to imitate them or be 'in' with them, but because he was so fundamentally different then they would would be mean to try to get rid of him. He is more his own person now. He goes to chess club or sits in the playground reading Star Girl or Ballet Shoes and somehow the same kids who were trying to ditch him a few years ago are asking him to their parties or to play football with them.

Dd has never been bullied because her classmates regularly bully a poor child with special needs. Did got into a lot of trouble with the head teacher for telling the boy's mother what was happening. Apparently she was breaking confidentiality at the age of 5. The victim is non verbal and in nappies. He had his nappy pulled down in the middle of the playground and the bullies went unpunished.

Ds attends a secondary school were the staff are very pro active about stopping bullying. They have a good pastoral structure for discussing concerns.

IMHO a good school recognises bullying can happen. IF necessary, they help the victim with assertiveness/ social skills. This is not victim blaming. They also help bullies to learn appriopiate behaviour.

It is probably luck mostly.

DS1 is big and geeky. We also choose our house based on the high school and the demographic of jobs. Where we live is very geek heavy as far as parents (and therefore kids) go.

So he fits right in.

He is also an easy going kid and comfortable in himself. He really doesn't give a fuck whether someone wants to play with him or not.

DS1 also knows he has our full support if someone does start something to hit them back.

He knows if he does do that there will be consequences outside of home, but we will have his back.

Not very popular on MN but there is no way I am sending him out into the world not feeling that he has the right to defend himself, violently if necessary.

I would.

It's luck and school policy. It may be comforting to think it's what we teach them or their personalities or the skills we give them but put any DC in a school with a poor anti-bullying strategy and a determined bully and it is devastating. Our DC was popular, happy and confident. He was continually targeted by an older, larger boy who (according to the teacher) was jealous of DC's popularity. After numerous incidents we moved DS to a different school with a zero tolerance attitude to bullying. He hasn't been bullied since. But the other important difference is that there isn't a bully targeting the other DCs and there isn't a teacher making excuses for the bully because she is friends with his parents.

I think teaching kids how to banter is a good start. We do a lot of gentle mickey taking at home...always have....so they both know how to come back with a retort when they're having fun poked at them. They do it too...to us I mean. We're not mean or personal....just that we will make little jokes about things one another does.

I am not trying to victim blame here- all I wanted to see really was whether there was anything to help. I am sorry so many families have been through this-it looks like mostly it isn't who the child is-but how the school tackles things that makes the biggest difference.
I know some PPs say parents shouldn't interfere or get involved and the kids should sort it out, but I do think that it is different when your child is facing assaults regularly every week.

I think that bostering a child's communication skills helps them considerably and finding children outside school that they can socialise with. Maybe a drama class would be an enjoyable way of boosting confidence, social and communication skills. I feel its vital to protect a child's self esteem and safeguard them against the mental health affects of being bullied. If your child doesn't like drama then maybe karate or music or some other group activity.

If your child is being physically assaulted every week then you need to see the head. If the head does nothing then your child needs a change of school.

I don't believe there is a blue print.
Some children are bullied by simple bad luck. Wrong classroom mix etc...
I'd agree that not caring helps, both my sons have this. They are also 'blessed' with an acid tongue (if need be)
My daughter doesn't have this (yet maybe) as she is only six.
I definitely don't think there is any 'ready breck glow' of protection.
As l said before, one school may offer protection. Another class may have the wrong balance...
I hope no parent of a bullied child reads this thread ( very good question though) and feels worse.

I do think in some/most cases confidence has a bit to with it. Each previous time dd1 was bullied it has been dd2 who has sorted it in the end.

The very first time was low level pushing and shoving by just one girl, who did not know dd2. She made the mistake of pushing dd1 in front of dd2. Dd2 "accidentally" stamped on her foot as hard as she could and made this girl cry. The teachers intervened. Dd2's friends all stood up for her and insisted it was an accident and only happened because the girl was shoving dd1 and somehow ended up under dd2's feet mid shove.

The second time, a group of them had the misfortune of happening to knock at our door to torment dd1 while dd2 happened to be behind the door with two full pet water dishes, she promptly tipped the water dishes on the ring leaders's head and slammed the door. They never knocked again. She later Sykped the girl and said "Sorry about the water, I just wanted to see if you melted. I thought I saw you in a film last night. Dd1 said it wasn't you but I didn't believe her"

Dd2, who has never been bullied would always defend herself. Dd1, who has been bullied on and off for the last three years is much more sensitive, while she doesn't react while it's going on, she just clams up and then cries as soon as she sees me. They must see that they are getting to her, even if she does not cry in front of them.