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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No flowers today from DH of 14 years - Aibu to be upset?

316 replies

DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 21:45

Got DH a lovely card and a Valentine cookie which I placed on his nightstand to be there for him when he wakes up today. He didn't get me anything saying that he has been unwell all week and staying at home with DC which have also been sick. I was understanding of course but said that would still be lovely to have flowers today. Brought son from football at 5 pm - no flowers.

By then I got sick of posts on all the social networks showing pix of cards and gifts other wives have got today - so pretty much burst in tears. That's when DH gave me a card which he signed with really lovely words. Seeing how upset I was he went out and got me those bloody flowershich were no good by that point.

After that he hasn't been taking to me and when I tried to make peace he began shouting that he had a temperature and it was unfair to make him go out (the temperature was 37,3, the shop is 2 min away and he drove). I would say not a big sacrifice for a wife but he clearly thought I was being unreasonable. Then I asked when did he buy the card (it occurred to me that if beforehand then why didn't I get it in the morning? If today then why didn't he get the flowers?) He barked that it was none of my business.

All in all, I have a really lovely loving card, a bunch of my favorite flowers and a shitty mood coupled with a row with DH. Nice Valentines for me.

Was I BU?

OP posts:
TwinkieTwinkle · 14/02/2015 23:18

U2TheEdge I love that! Proper true love! Heartfelt, true intentions. Not followed through on to the end, but the thought was there Smile

Postchildrenpregranny · 14/02/2015 23:19

My DH of 32 years last bought me flowers 21years ago .I love flowers so i buy my own-including 12 red roses yesterday.Same as I book a holiday to coincide with my birthday every year .We've never done cards for anything since weve lived in the same house He used to be very Romantic but it's worn off a bit .It really doesn't bother me as I know he loves me very much,does small acts of kindness and gives me free reign to indulge myself .You need to ask yourself why this gesture is so important to you .

Sallystyle · 14/02/2015 23:19

I think it is very important to continue with small romantic gestures and I would be heartbroken if DH have not got anything for me on the Valentine's day. He hates it and thinks it is a tacky American tradition, but because he knows I'll be upset he gets flowers/card/perfume etc so I won't be feeling left out/to show that he cares.

I understand that and don't really disagree with it, but he had been ill and he had bought her a card. I think I would give my husband a pass if he had been ill and looking after our ill children. When I am ill I probably couldn't be arsed to make much of an effort either. It just works out that way and he usually buys her flowers. The one year he didn't she acted pretty immaturely.

Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 23:19

Cutty for gods sake, I was NOT going to post anything on FB and already said so a few times! This is not about showing off!

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 14/02/2015 23:21

You were upset by other people's posts on social media.

engeika · 14/02/2015 23:21

Sorry YABU. I agree - grow up. A relationship is not about being bought things to compete with other women who have been bought things.

TidyDancer · 14/02/2015 23:22

OP, are you generally quite insecure? That's the only logical reason I can come up with for why this is upsetting you so much.

I know a woman who is the same. She is truly lovely, but is extremely insecure (about various things, but mainly that she has put on weight since her DCs were born and a few years back, her DH cheated). Their relationship has got back on track but the security and trust has never quite returned. I can imagine if she didn't get something for Valentine's Day, her mind would be running as to why.

Unless there's something like that at play with the OP, I'm struggling to understand where this is all coming from. Describing something you want as something you need is usually indicative of something else.

Lweji · 14/02/2015 23:24

Romance is overrated.

I understand it's important to you, but I'd be asking myself why, if all else is fine and you are secure in your love for him and from him.

Romance in the early days is to show there is love, but that couldn't have been proven that far. It's a promise more than reality.

If you have proven your mutual love over the years, that is even more romantic than token flowers or even words on a card.
You are so lucky and you don't even realise it.

trashcanjunkie · 14/02/2015 23:24

ilikemilk nope, you're missing the point entirely. Whatever the 'thing' that's important is, be it VD or fucking holy cheese plant day or whatever, the point I'm making is IF SOMETHING IS IMPORTANT TO YOU THEN A LOVING PARTNER WILL RESPECT THAT AND BEHAVE ACCORDINGLY. If this doesn't happen for whatever reason, then an equally loving partner would bring it up IN A REASONABLE MANNER AND MAKE THEIR FEELINGS KNOWN IN A WAY THAT ALLOWS THEM BOTH TO MOVE FORWARDS....

Anything other is just a crappy relationship imo and certainly not for me.

WineCowboy · 14/02/2015 23:24

I got nothing apart from a shag and I don't care at all. We went out to the pub, had a nice time with the kids and that's all I need.

Sounds like you have very high expectations and low tolerance, YABU to be upset.

WhitePhantom · 14/02/2015 23:24

I'm with ILikeMilk, and I think you're getting some very harsh replies here. If little romantic gestures once or twice a year mean a lot to you, and your DH knows that, then why could he not pick up the phone and order a bunch of flowers? Sick or not, that takes very little effort.

I do little things that I know DH likes, even if I personally an not into it - just for him, to make him feel extra special and appreciated.

We're good to each other all year, but those extra little gestures are lovely and mean a lot.

McFox · 14/02/2015 23:25

It's not about showing off, it's just about forcing a 'romantic' gesture out of someone who's ill. I feel sorry for both of you.

bloodyteenagers · 14/02/2015 23:27

theres many stories about this day.
I give you two well documented tales about this sham.. I shall exclude the most famous massacre.

Think it was 16th century ( will be wrong cos I am crap with dates
And history). A guy in Rome was chucked in prison, and on the 14th feb he healed Someone and signed a card from your valentines.

Many years later (did I mention I am crap with history) in Norfolk some guy would leave chocolate/flowers/teddies on the doorstep for children.

So you would really have this commercialised bs over things that he does for 364 days a year? This bs where today flowers cost £30 but tomorow and the remaining weeks ( aside from mums day) flowers cost around a fiver. He shows romance on days that he chooses to becuase to him and countless others it feels more sincere yet you dismiss this and want the forced shite?

Seriously have a fucking word with yourself. Value the random affection. That's what is romance and worth holding on to. Not this commercialised bs.

TheCuttySnark · 14/02/2015 23:29

I agree that gestures are lovely and all that - but expecting them, and saying you need them, from a partner who is not romantically inclined anyway and was unwell on top of it is setting yourself up for disappointment.

Fairenuff · 14/02/2015 23:29

So you love flowers but won't buy them for yourself and he hates flowers and will only buy them when guilted into it by you.

That means that the only flowers you like are ones that you have made your dh feel bad enough to buy for you.

Pretty crap way to live OP Sad

No wonder you are miserable. I would tell him that you know he loves you and that you don't need reluctant gifts which you will only resent.

Buy yourself fresh flowers every week and have a happy life with your husband. It's not that hard is it.

Postchildrenpregranny · 14/02/2015 23:30

U2the same -similar vase story .It was on our first anniversary.I remember the shop in Salisbury quite clearly .I think he promised me daffodils to fill it every March 1st I maybe got them once ! So I buy them .I had one red rose delivered from work out of the blue shortly after we met ,4 red roses for our 4th wedding anniversary(I thought it was mean til I read the card-one for every happy year).rather ratty bunch of daffs whenDD1 was born and one red rose for Valentines in 1994 That's it
Yes I sometimes think it would be nice but it's just not how he is .

TheFairyCaravan · 14/02/2015 23:30

This has to be a joke!

If I had cried, moaned, groaned and whinged to DH that I didn't get flowers (I didn't) there would have been absolutely no chance he would have gone out to get some, ill or not.

YABVU you are acting like a spoiled petulant child. You need to grow up and get a grip. If you'd have held out until tomorrow morning all the flowers that didn't sell, and there will be loads, will be half price or less!

Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 23:30

Tidy, not really... No excess weight or cheating.

I don't know why I got so upset. It does seem rather petty now, especially seeing the consequences. But i wanted romance from my husband today. I knew that he wouldn't wAnt to go out or have a romantic dinner but was looking forward to the smell of my favourite flowers in the kitchen.

God knows why I took it so badly. And I feel quite bad. If truth be told, I didn't reAlly think that D H was thAt ill, he didn't look bad or had any symptoms, so I really thought he could make an effort, for me. And as I said it was supposed to be 1 of my 2 chances for flowers for this year.

OP posts:
SpringTimeIsComing · 14/02/2015 23:30

I got a kiss on the cheek and breakfast in bed (which is a normal daily occurrence in our house). Count your blessings OP. My DSis lost her husband two weeks ago very suddenly. That kiss this morning made me realise I'm just happy to have DH here. Life is too short to bother about a bunch of bloody flowers. You sound very shallow.

Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 23:32

Faire, your post is twisted and untrue.

OP posts:
Postchildrenpregranny · 14/02/2015 23:33

PS I did buy DH a huge box of Maltesers on offer at Sainsburys because he loves them not because it's Valentines Dayc

Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 23:33

Spring, I never get a morning kiss or breakfast in bed. You count your blessings.

OP posts:
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 14/02/2015 23:34

Fairenuff it's not that hard either for the OP's husband to just buy the flowers, if he knows (which he should by now) that they will make her happy.

ilovesooty · 14/02/2015 23:36

So you're still saying that what he does isn't enough?

OldLadyKnows · 14/02/2015 23:36

Having read the headline, I too came on to slag the op; dh and I have been together over 30 years and we've yet to even say "Happy Valentine's Day" today.

BUT! I actually feel the Op is getting a seriously hard time here. It's not about flowers/chocolates/whatever commercial crap, it's about her feeling acknowledged and appreciated for the work she does domestically. And dh isn't cutting the mustard.

We don't really do big romantic gestures, but in a week or two dh will bring me home a couple of bunches of daffs, probably £1 for two, or whatever. Because he knows I love daffies. And every time I'll look at those daffies, I'll smile. They don't last long, but that's not what counts.

It's the thought.

And Op's dh isn't thinking. That's what hurts.

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