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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No flowers today from DH of 14 years - Aibu to be upset?

316 replies

DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 21:45

Got DH a lovely card and a Valentine cookie which I placed on his nightstand to be there for him when he wakes up today. He didn't get me anything saying that he has been unwell all week and staying at home with DC which have also been sick. I was understanding of course but said that would still be lovely to have flowers today. Brought son from football at 5 pm - no flowers.

By then I got sick of posts on all the social networks showing pix of cards and gifts other wives have got today - so pretty much burst in tears. That's when DH gave me a card which he signed with really lovely words. Seeing how upset I was he went out and got me those bloody flowershich were no good by that point.

After that he hasn't been taking to me and when I tried to make peace he began shouting that he had a temperature and it was unfair to make him go out (the temperature was 37,3, the shop is 2 min away and he drove). I would say not a big sacrifice for a wife but he clearly thought I was being unreasonable. Then I asked when did he buy the card (it occurred to me that if beforehand then why didn't I get it in the morning? If today then why didn't he get the flowers?) He barked that it was none of my business.

All in all, I have a really lovely loving card, a bunch of my favorite flowers and a shitty mood coupled with a row with DH. Nice Valentines for me.

Was I BU?

OP posts:
GokTwo · 15/02/2015 09:21

A gesture of some sort is nice if your partner knows it's your thing. The heartfelt card was lovely especially as he wasn't feeling well.

GokTwo · 15/02/2015 09:23

Not to get you a gift for your birthday is not on though. That's lazy and thoughtless.

Theas18 · 15/02/2015 09:28

YABVVVVU

He's been showing far more true love for you and the family by looking afte the kids when he is also I'll than a supermarket bunch of flowers ever will.

You don't want yo know how crappy my valentines day has been but I know I am loved.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 15/02/2015 09:31

Those saying the OP never gets a present off her DH- OP says she gets flowers on her birthday. So they are either good enough as a present or not good enough and she requires something else as well.
You sound like massive hard work OP and I think your DH needs a medal

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 15/02/2015 09:43

Her posts at 22:56 and 23:04 last night states she 'does' in fact get flowers on her birthday. So clearly she does get a gift on her birthday

angelohsodelight · 15/02/2015 09:51

You are presumably a grown woman and acting like this..... You've got issues. Get a grip.

owlborn · 15/02/2015 10:07

Oh my god! Yes, YABU! Romance isn't something that should be delivered under threat of sulks and tantrums. And I can't believe you had a fit at him for not going to get you flowers when he was ill!

Poor guy.

mypoorbottee · 15/02/2015 10:10

It's not about flowers is it, OP?

Sallystyle · 15/02/2015 10:13

He's been showing far more true love for you and the family by looking after the kids when he is also I'll than a supermarket bunch of flowers ever will.

That's bullshit.

I assumed he looked after their kids because it is his responsibility to do so. Looking after sick kids when you are sick is just a part of parenting which we all have to do. I assume op was at work so what other choice was there?

No one would ever tell a man that his wife is showing her husband true love by looking after their own children when they are ill would they?

That is not showing true love, it's called being a parent.

itosh · 15/02/2015 10:15

I don't think YBU. I'd have been annoyed if I hadn't of got anything. Even if he is so ill it is 2 clicks away from ordering them online. Just make sure he knows this for next year!x

SeattleGraceMercyDeath · 15/02/2015 10:15

DH bought me flowers. But managed to get them delivered to the house next door Grin

Sallystyle · 15/02/2015 10:23

It's easy for people to keep concentrating on the flowers isn't it?

Sure she acted pretty badly over it, but obviously the real issue is the fact that her husband doesn't do things for her which are important to her.

Like I said, dh does things for me occasionally that he knows makes me feel loved even if it means nothing to him, because he loves me and likes making me happy.

OP'd husband doesn't say 'I love you' without making a joke out of it. He doesn't do anything with her as a couple. She can't talk about a problem with him as he gets defensive.

I think I am changing my mind about this. She is obviously feeling like her feelings don't really matter to him and I guess this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. She admitted that she acted badly but how many people here would really be happy if their husband didn't really do something for you that they know is important to you?

He was ill yes, but it wouldn't have hurt to get some delivered would it? I also don't think the fact that he didn't is a big deal, but she is obviously feeling that he isn't really interested in doing anything for her that he knows makes her happy and for me, that would be a problem too.

Fairenuff · 15/02/2015 11:02

I dunno U2, when we asked about that she said he was otherwise loving, kind, generous, etc. a great partner and she loves him. It's just that he doesn't like flowers Confused

He got her a card and wrote a personal, romantic message inside it. That was thoughtful. OP ungraciously asked him when he bought it, implying that he had only bought it on the day. Well, so what if he had? He still wrote the message and gave it to her. No wonder he got pissed off with her. When what you do is never enough, you are going to give up trying to please someone who can't be satisfied.

Also, she made a big thing about it having to be flowers as she never buys them for herself and, much as she loves them, this is her only chance of getting those precious flowers. Then went on to say she would have been happy with a packet of sweets! So the flowers weren't the be all and end all after all.

Like I said OP, give your dh a big hug and buy yourself fresh flowers every week. Stop looking for reasons to be miserable.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 15/02/2015 11:33

If my DH had nagged me for days about a certain present when I was ill, said present would remain firmly in the shop.

Flowers can be bought pretty much anywhere nowadays, buy your own if you like them so much. Love isn't measured by presents.

ILikeMilk · 15/02/2015 11:51

He deserves a medal because his wife expects flowers on a Valentine's Day? She should be grateful because he looks after kids? I think some posters live in a parallel universe...

Lovestosing · 15/02/2015 11:54

YABVU. This is exactly why I haven't celebrated Valentine's Day for over 10 years. The competitiveness that surrounds this day is ridiculous, "So what did you get?" " I got a dozen red roses." "How nice, I got a bunch of red roses, a meal out and a trip to Venice", etc etc. I feel it's all so forced, it actually makes me cringe. It has made me laugh seeing all the photos and statuses on Facebook from women listing all the Valentine's presents they got! It has been years since I got flowers, I didn't get any from DH when I had any of our 3 DCs. Yes it would be nice to have some occasionally but I would hate to be bought them just because that's what he's supposed to do.

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 15/02/2015 12:07

I take it all those that don't celebrate Valentine's and think op is ungrateful don't celebrate Christmas or any other marketed date?

Op should just be greatful she has a man hey? ...

laughingmyarseoff · 15/02/2015 12:08

Sounds like you're sad that the romance has escaped your relationship OP and this was just a reminder of it for you. I think you need to work together getting that back injected in. You wouldn't care about valentines day if other days acted like it but since you get none, I think it was just another reminder for you that there's no romance anymore.

That's something you need to build together, it's possible he feels the loss of his own kind of romance or passion from you too, but you aren't communicating about it. You need to communicate about it, explain how you feel- sounds almost like you are in a relationship rut? Then work on it together.

Fairenuff · 15/02/2015 12:09

My dh loves plants and flowers and often buys them for himself or for me but I never buy him flowers, perhaps I should. I do get him small fruit trees, plants and seeds sometimes.

He also usually cooks, so I'm going to cook for him today. Couldn't do it yesterday for other reasons so I will spoil him a bit today, even though it's not valentines.

Littleen · 15/02/2015 12:10

I feel a little bit snubbed that I didn't get a card (cooked breakfast and card for my other half), but not surprised either :P You're making a big thing out of a silly day. Love is all year, not just the 14th :)

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 15/02/2015 12:13

He'd been unwell. He'd been busy looking after their ill children. He got her a nice card and the OP says he gets her flowers for valentines normally and for her birthday. Yet the OP has just mocked how ill he was/wasn't dismissed the fact he'd looked after the kids when they were ill and chucked a major tanty over this one off when he was unable to fulfill her ever whim.
So yes he does deserve a medal for dealing with such a high maintenance human being and always getting it wrong

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 15/02/2015 12:18

As someone else said earlier imagine if this was a reverse?
My wife is unwell so she says but her temp was ONLY 37.3 the kids have been ill also but to be fair she ONLY looked after them for 3 days. I saw all my mates on FB had been given a blow job but I didn't get one. When I screamed and cried and asked why she reluctantly gave me one but I'm still not happy. AIBU?
The answers would be along the lines of you are an inconsiderate spiteful abusive wanker really wouldn't they.

letscookbreakfast · 15/02/2015 12:23

Sorry OP but you sound awful, your husband was ill and he'd been looking after your ill children. You're now trying to backtrack and make out that he wasn't as ill as he let on because you're being told that you are being very unfair.

He got you a card and he wrote something nice in it and he got you flowers after you badgered him. If you were my wife you'd have got fuck all.

You don't need romantic gestures, you'd like them. There's an important difference and by saying you need them you sound like you're a teenager.

I really hope you've apologised to him.

Willdoitinaminute · 15/02/2015 12:27

I know I'm loved when after both of us sulking after a disagreement for two days and not really speaking I found myself stuck in a supermarket car park with a puncture. A quick phone call to him and he organised for someone to come to my rescue so I wouldn't be late for school run.
He knows my favourite flowers are lilies but I don't let him buy them because they make him sneeze when we have them in the house.
He still tells me I have a lovely bum even though I know it is heading south.
He quietly hold my hand when he thinks no one is looking.
We argue and disagree, he is certainly not a nominee for husband of the year but it's the little things that are more important than a bunch of bloody my-husband-loves-me-more-than-your-husband-loves-you flowers.
If you have to ask for them they are a pretty pointless gesture.

Marynary · 15/02/2015 12:28

I can see both sides really. On the one hand, if your knows flowers are very important to you on valentines day it would have been nice if he had got some for you. On the other hand, it appears that part of the reason you are upset is because you have seen pictures of what other wives got on social media which seems a bit childish/pathetic.