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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No flowers today from DH of 14 years - Aibu to be upset?

316 replies

DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 21:45

Got DH a lovely card and a Valentine cookie which I placed on his nightstand to be there for him when he wakes up today. He didn't get me anything saying that he has been unwell all week and staying at home with DC which have also been sick. I was understanding of course but said that would still be lovely to have flowers today. Brought son from football at 5 pm - no flowers.

By then I got sick of posts on all the social networks showing pix of cards and gifts other wives have got today - so pretty much burst in tears. That's when DH gave me a card which he signed with really lovely words. Seeing how upset I was he went out and got me those bloody flowershich were no good by that point.

After that he hasn't been taking to me and when I tried to make peace he began shouting that he had a temperature and it was unfair to make him go out (the temperature was 37,3, the shop is 2 min away and he drove). I would say not a big sacrifice for a wife but he clearly thought I was being unreasonable. Then I asked when did he buy the card (it occurred to me that if beforehand then why didn't I get it in the morning? If today then why didn't he get the flowers?) He barked that it was none of my business.

All in all, I have a really lovely loving card, a bunch of my favorite flowers and a shitty mood coupled with a row with DH. Nice Valentines for me.

Was I BU?

OP posts:
cerealqueen · 14/02/2015 23:59

I see why you are upset but you can't make this man something he isn't with the purchase of some flowers. Maybe you both need to work on getting some romance/ intimacy back. Go out on a date night, take up an activity or something that will be bring yoU closer. That is what you need. Flowers aren't going to do it for you.

Lweji · 14/02/2015 23:59

for the gesture to count, you'd have to get into M&S or something and get him a lovely cake. Or bake one.

Would it count if he brought home flowers from the office?

LordJabuJabu · 14/02/2015 23:59

Why are you posting on here instead of spending such a romantic evening with dh? Surely if today means that much to you, you'd forgo the internet?

Mines at work, so I'm sharing a bed with a snoring toddler before you ask!

BackforGood · 15/02/2015 00:00

If you started another thread about "How can I put the romance back into our marriage" I'm sure you'd get different answers and a more sympathetic response.
The issue is, you chose to ask if YABU to be upset at not getting flowers on the most rip off overpriced commercial occasion of the year, because other people on FB were posting pictures of what they got.

You say you just wanted the thought / gesture - but you got that, in a card and personal message inside, and have come on here to winge that's not good enough Confused

You say you love having flowers in the house (as, indeed, do I) yet have not been able to explain why he is the only one that can bring them into the house. I like flowers, so - here's the thing - every now and then, I buy myself a bunch. It's nice - I like the look of them and I like the smell of them, but I am perfectly capable of arranging to get them into the house myself.

You've 'made' him go out to get you flowers, then have metaphorically thrown them back in his face once he's done that ~ who is that supposed to benefit ? Confused

I have to agree with all the posters who are asking if you are a teenager, as you certainly seem to be acting very much like the 13 yr old I gave a lift home to today (my 13 yr old is a bit more mature, fortunately).

TheCuttySnark · 15/02/2015 00:01

She's gonna cut the poor things up and leave them on his pillow or something. What did the flowers ever do Sad

TwinkieTwinkle · 15/02/2015 00:01

OldLadyKnows, where did the OP being appreciated domestically come from? You are making a pretty shocking assumption that OP does everything at home and he does nothing. We've heard her angry talking but we know she works, so I'm willing to assume he does his fair share. We don't live in the 1950s. It doesn't sound like OP is made to keep a show home style of house, with dinner on the table and martini when her husband comes home from the office.

SpringTimeIsComing · 15/02/2015 00:01

Spring, could you please stop talking about death?

Why? My sister lost her DH 2 weeks ago. Do you think she sat today thinking about the flowers he never got her? NO she didn't! Every day she thinks about her DH not being there and it's not about the flowers he never bought her.

You are selfish and materialistic. For fuck sake ONE day in a year doesn't need to be the be all and end all simply for posting pictures on social media of how much your DH loves you. He went out and got you a card which he wrote lovely words in. He also bought you flowers yet your still not happy.

You are a drama lama about ONE day of the year.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 15/02/2015 00:01

Sometimes you can feel irrationally sad about things that happen. Everyone does. And it sounds silly when you try to explain.

The op sounded spoilt in the first post but more and more she sounds unhappy and unfulfilled.

Op, maybe try another post in relationships. When you write go a little deeper than valentine flowers and talk about what you feel is missing in your real relationship. Thanks Thanks Thanks

MsPavlichenko · 15/02/2015 00:03

Brilliant Poem by Wendy Cope, says it all.

‘Flowers’ by Wendy Cope

Some men never think of it.
You did. You’d come along
And say you’d nearly brought me flowers
But something had gone wrong.

The shop was closed. Or you had doubts –
The sort that minds like ours
Dream up incessantly. You thought
I might not want your flowers.

It made me smile and hug you then.
Now I can only smile.
But, look, the flowers you nearly brought
Have lasted all this while.

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 15/02/2015 00:05

Oh piss of with your "I'm so shocked" "you should be humble he was on deaths door shit.

op its nice to have s bit of recognition on Valentine's but also on any other day too.

If he doesn't show fuck all on any other day. He is a twat if he can manage it on one day. If he DOES show recognition on the other 356 days of the year YABU

SpringTimeIsComing · 15/02/2015 00:06

The op sounded spoilt in the first post but more and more she sounds unhappy and unfulfilled

So, she's unhappy and unfulfilled about her DH buying her a card and flowers? Really? She needs to have a reality check of what she does have in life! Glass half empty and not half full..... She's materialistic and more upset about social media and what her mates were posting. The OP thinks she's a princess and needs a swift boot up the arse!

ilovesooty · 15/02/2015 00:07

If you started another thread about "How can I put the romance back into our marriage" I'm sure you'd get different answers and a more sympathetic response

Probably - but unlikely to happen while she sees it as wholly his responsibility.

TwinkieTwinkle · 15/02/2015 00:07

I've concluded this much be a windup. I can't see how this entire thread could possibly happen unless that was the case.

trashcanjunkie · 15/02/2015 00:08

I think the ops gone. We can start and proper muck about on the thread now....

Oh, hang on, no, it's valentines evening, I better get off here and start posting photos on fb of me and dp having romantic sex on the kitchen table next to my flowers

SpringTimeIsComing · 15/02/2015 00:08

Oh piss of with your "I'm so shocked" "you should be humble he was on deaths door shit.

I didn't think he was on deaths door....he went out and bought a card and flowers as far as I read. So, your point is?

crje · 15/02/2015 00:09

Leave the bastard Grin

lemisscared · 15/02/2015 00:10

i love that poem by wendy cope. she really cuts to the chase doesn't she.

SpringTimeIsComing · 15/02/2015 00:12

Queenlizandabottleofgin

I never said I was shocked either Grin. Maybe you need more gin...

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 15/02/2015 00:16

ah spring out of all the posts on this thread why do you think my post was aimed at you?

Grin
Momagain1 · 15/02/2015 00:17

You say you know he isnt into scripted romantic gestures. But you say it is a really good marriage, I love DH and I know that he loves me.

You need to accept that he is who he is. This is the man you married. Making yourself upset that he acts like himself is just a waste of effort. You have got years behind you that this should have long since been set aside.

Yes, some few couples treat each other like couples in greeting card commercials and mean it. Some few more go through the motions because it is expected. Others just get on with being a couple, defining romance for themselves.

80schild · 15/02/2015 00:22

I have only just looked at this thread and have read the last few pages and I can sympathise a little with the OP - it is a bit sad when you have been looking forward to something and it doesn't happen. However, relationships aren't always perfectly balanced and it is normal for people not to feel full of love all the time and forget things occasionally.

DH has had a shit cold today and although he dragged himself out of bed to buy flowers, last year he managed to forget our wedding anniversary completely (he was having a bit of a rough time poor bloke).

I remember someone saying to me once that if you expect someone to fulfil all your fantasies you will always be disappointed - I think that person was right because I have only been happy since I took this on board in a meaningful way.

sleeponeday · 15/02/2015 00:22

OP, is he basically a kind person - and I mean to you?

I can't work out if he treats you like a household appliance who has the temerity to answer back, and the distress over the flowers is symbolic of all that is missing in your marriage, in which case you are not being unreasonable at all and I want to give you these Flowers and tell you to sit him down and insist you start to go out one night a month together as a couple and make it a proper date, ad try to rebuild a relationship between two people who choose to create a family (remember that?) or he can feck off and pay a housekeeper...

OR

he is a nice guy and a pretty decent husband who just doesn't do romance, really, because the day to day intervenes and you want the relationship to be like it was when you had no responsibilities and could just woo one another. If that, then yes YABVU, as unreasonable as those blokes who feel that way and can't fathom how their wives are too tired to prioritise them when they have 2 kids under 2.

I think you need to work out whether you have indeed been sucked in by the fantasy of Twu Wuv, and not noticed that genuine devotion is expressed by taking the bins out without being asked and getting up when the kids cry at least half the time so you too can have the glorious "lie-in" of 9 a clock on a Saturday... or if he does absolutely nothing to make you feel loved and valued, so you totally depend upon the big symbols as something to hang the marriage on, and this distress is in fact over all your marriage is so lacking in.

Former, and with the best will in the world, locate your grip. Latter, and hie on over to Relationships and get some support there.

HicDraconis · 15/02/2015 07:29

I think the OP has been given an unnecessary harsh time. She's not asking for the moon on a stick, she's asking for the man who is supposed to love (cherish, honour, etc) her for a couple of bunches of flowers a year.

DH & I will have been married 10 years this year. Long enough for me to know that he doesn't look at birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's etc the same way I do. He doesn't really get the whole gift idea (he either has it or doesn't want it or we can't afford it). However it's also long enough for him to know that a bunch of flowers at certain times of the year mean something to me - whether they mean anything to him or not. And he loves me enough that he will put his own "it's just a day like any other" bollocks to one side.

A temperature of 37.3 is normal. It's not high until it's above 37.5 and it's not really high until it's into the 38s. So I don't buy his "sickness" crap. Fine, he doesn't have to buy flowers if he doesn't want to. But knowing how important they are to his wife, does it matter that it's not important to him? Is it such a big deal to get her a bunch of flowers?

(fwiw, I have had 3 bunches of flowers from dh in our 10 years together! But as we get older I'm finding the whole birthday / anniversary / valentines thing less of a deal too).

krustyem · 15/02/2015 08:11

Valentines day is a load of old bollocks. Be happy with a healthy family and a roof over your head, and if you want the smell of fresh flowers in your home that much pop to the one stop and buy some.

MomDirection · 15/02/2015 08:43

To be fair, the fact that OP's husband never buys her a birthday present has got lost (because of all her foot stamping over V's Day).

That's rough and pretty dismissive of him. I get that that hurts OP if you are still reading. Of course love is not about gifts. But I think it's pretty poor not to make any kind of event out of your spouse's birthday. To me it does show a lack of love actually.

However I have a friend who is monstrously demanding about gifts on all occasions. She's so instructive, so entitled about gifts that her husband has literally given up after years and years of her 'disappointment' (everything from tears, to walking out, to nagging endlessly - just awful behaviour) over anything he's bought her. It's never lived up to her expectations or desires. Unfortunately his 'giving up' is not telling her shove all the gifts up her arse, but to give her his credit card and she buys herself the precise thing she wants (for that read 'very expensive'), books plus meals and weekends away for herself, then we see it all over Facebook with captions like 'My amazing dh took me to this spa hotel' and we all shudder and cringe as we know the whole back story.

It's a horrible way to be, it really is.