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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No flowers today from DH of 14 years - Aibu to be upset?

316 replies

DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 21:45

Got DH a lovely card and a Valentine cookie which I placed on his nightstand to be there for him when he wakes up today. He didn't get me anything saying that he has been unwell all week and staying at home with DC which have also been sick. I was understanding of course but said that would still be lovely to have flowers today. Brought son from football at 5 pm - no flowers.

By then I got sick of posts on all the social networks showing pix of cards and gifts other wives have got today - so pretty much burst in tears. That's when DH gave me a card which he signed with really lovely words. Seeing how upset I was he went out and got me those bloody flowershich were no good by that point.

After that he hasn't been taking to me and when I tried to make peace he began shouting that he had a temperature and it was unfair to make him go out (the temperature was 37,3, the shop is 2 min away and he drove). I would say not a big sacrifice for a wife but he clearly thought I was being unreasonable. Then I asked when did he buy the card (it occurred to me that if beforehand then why didn't I get it in the morning? If today then why didn't he get the flowers?) He barked that it was none of my business.

All in all, I have a really lovely loving card, a bunch of my favorite flowers and a shitty mood coupled with a row with DH. Nice Valentines for me.

Was I BU?

OP posts:
SmokingGun · 14/02/2015 23:36

Oh good god OP, do you realise what post was trying to say there. your husband is alive and here with you now, stop worrying about the fucking flowers and be glad you have him. If you care about them that much then leave him. It is as simple as that,

ilovesooty · 14/02/2015 23:37

I think if I were him I'd get them just to shut her up.

ILikeMilk · 14/02/2015 23:37

I had that type of relationship with my first husband. I had also convinced myself that lack of romance is normal, he is a good husband otherwise blah blah blah. We ended up living as housemates for the last few years of our marriage. That's why I am trying to keep up romance in my second marriage. In my experience once it's gone - it's gone forever.

Karenthetoadwhisperer · 14/02/2015 23:37

(Otherwise I am with Lweji obviously)

CosmicDespot · 14/02/2015 23:38

Right, so op feels that her dh should make various romantic gestures throughtout the year, but her dh doesn't feel that he should. Neither of them has the right to force the other to comply, therefore op & op's dh are doomed to a marriage where at least one of them is sad, because they are incompatible in this area. Or op could accept that being a good partner is a romantic gesture, and they live happily ever after.

trashcanjunkie · 14/02/2015 23:39

diehard what would actually happen if you sat down with your eh and explained rationally how you felt about 'small romantic gestures' being important to you.... Obviously not today cos you have blown it, but y'know, like next week or something. Are you honestly saying your good decent husband won't give a shit?

Lweji · 14/02/2015 23:41

But he does get them for special occasions, just not this once.
If they are not important to him, it's harder to think of bringing them home in the middle of other things he is doing on a random basis.

It is possible that if you regularly bought flowers when you shop in the supermarket that he would remember to get some if he goes shopping instead. Or from the petrol station, even.
Or if you regularly kept fresh flowers at home.
Because he would associate flowers with you.

Otherwise, he associates them with special occasions.

Do you buy something he loves at random times?

Postchildrenpregranny · 14/02/2015 23:44

I never thought of being married for 32 years as being romantic,but perhaps it is .Sorry if I sounded harsh OP .We are all different and if it matters to you ,it matters .Perhaps you need a discussion about it .I have a friend who feels the same and gets upset when her husband buy her flowers because she's made a fuss about it .He doesn't 'get' that being pressurised into it takes all the pleasure out of it for her
My DH (retired) doesn't go out that much without me tbh ,so would have to order them to be delivered and I'd be horrified at the expense .

SpringTimeIsComing · 14/02/2015 23:46

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Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 23:46

Trash, this may sound strange but it's like the romantic things now make him uncomfortable. I am saying 'now' because earlier in the relationship he wanted to go out, take trips together and never begrudged me flowers. Otherwise the relationship is loving and affectionate most of the time. But he even doesn't say I love you without making a joke out of it. I guess that's the way it is - or has become - but I thought that it least I can have flowers.

I can't talk to him when I am unhappy about something, he gets terribly defensive and shoots back things like 'Well, I asked you to do the dishes the other day and you didnt so there'.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 14/02/2015 23:47

My XH did the flowers/gifts, often at great expense. He was also abusive and controlling. My DP, not so much with the gestures. But every day he is good to me, and my DC (far more so than their Dad). I know which is better.

PrimalLass · 14/02/2015 23:48

How is it celebrating if you only have the flowers because you sulked?

Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 23:49

Spring, could you please stop talking about death? I lost both parents in my 20s so know full well how it feels. And using your analogy, I think if I died DH would too wish that he had gotten me those flowers without making me upset first.

OP posts:
Mrsstarlord · 14/02/2015 23:50

It's not about flowers/chocolates/whatever commercial crap, it's about her feeling acknowledged and appreciated for the work she does domestically. And dh isn't cutting the mustard.

He wrote her a card with loving words in and when she cried because someone on facebook got some flowers and she didn't he went and bought her some in spite of feeling like shite.
How is that not cutting the mustard if it's not about commercial crap?
If it isn't about commercial crap, a lovingly worded card would have been perfect.

nooka · 14/02/2015 23:50

OP you need to talk to your dh, apologise for making such a big deal about the non appearance of flowers and explain why it means so much to you. Your dh is obviously not into romantic gestures and doesn't understand the value of gifts. Gifts are on the other hand very important to you. This incompatibility is problematic, if you don't talk about it and find ways to overcome the issue it may well get worse and really damage your relationship. I don't think that either of you are particularly in the wrong.

I love flowers, and I love the idea of being given flowers even more. Unfortunately dh is really not that bothered by flowers, and has I think in the almost 25 years we've been together pretty much never given them to me. Gifts are just not his thing, it took a long time to get him to understand that Christmas presents (giving and receiving) were a really big deal to me. He's much more about doing things and very anti special days (he has some childhood issues).

Spartak · 14/02/2015 23:51

The more you post, the more you sound like a spoilt teenager. But if we're playing who's got the roughest deal, at least you have a husband. I am childless and alone, and have spent the day watching a football match, and the evening watching TV on my own. Boo hoo. If you are so desperate for the smell of fresh flowers then buy them yourself.

Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 23:52

Lweji, yes, I buy treats just for him (and hide them from the DC!), bring him a sliver of cake from work if a colleague had a birthday and I would save mine for him becAuse I haven't got a sweet tooth but he does.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 14/02/2015 23:52

Blimey there's no let up.

I thought you were being slightly unreasonable but after your last post extremely and utterly unreasonable....and a real nausebox

Night night

For you Thanks

TheCuttySnark · 14/02/2015 23:53

You made YOURSELF upset by expecting your sick husband to get them for you. You got jealous of other wives posting their VD shite and he attempted to make it right by buying you flowers. He saw that it meant something to you (albeit later than satisfactory), did it and you are still not happy.

Mrsstarlord · 14/02/2015 23:53

Spring, could you please stop talking about death? I lost both parents in my 20s so know full well how it feels. And using your analogy, I think if I died DH would too wish that he had gotten me those flowers without making me upset first.

Are you deliberately misunderstanding or are you on something?

PrimalLass · 14/02/2015 23:53

Why on earth is it important to you? Unless it is done spontaneously it means nothing. Romance by guilt and expectation is no romance at all.

PrimalLass · 14/02/2015 23:55

Plus to say you get something "off" someone is just horrid. It is "from" them.

Only1scoop · 14/02/2015 23:56

I've now also got visions of you sadly martyring around blasting out renditions of "you don't bring me flowers" whilst your Dh ....with the negotiable temperature....looks on with a withering look to match his wilted gift Grin

CosmicDespot · 14/02/2015 23:57

If you save your cake for him because you haven't got a sweet tooth, it doesn't count as a romantic gesture. Just like whined-for flowers.

Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 23:58

Ok, I think I am done here. Thanks everyone. And for the flowers.

OP posts: