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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No flowers today from DH of 14 years - Aibu to be upset?

316 replies

DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 21:45

Got DH a lovely card and a Valentine cookie which I placed on his nightstand to be there for him when he wakes up today. He didn't get me anything saying that he has been unwell all week and staying at home with DC which have also been sick. I was understanding of course but said that would still be lovely to have flowers today. Brought son from football at 5 pm - no flowers.

By then I got sick of posts on all the social networks showing pix of cards and gifts other wives have got today - so pretty much burst in tears. That's when DH gave me a card which he signed with really lovely words. Seeing how upset I was he went out and got me those bloody flowershich were no good by that point.

After that he hasn't been taking to me and when I tried to make peace he began shouting that he had a temperature and it was unfair to make him go out (the temperature was 37,3, the shop is 2 min away and he drove). I would say not a big sacrifice for a wife but he clearly thought I was being unreasonable. Then I asked when did he buy the card (it occurred to me that if beforehand then why didn't I get it in the morning? If today then why didn't he get the flowers?) He barked that it was none of my business.

All in all, I have a really lovely loving card, a bunch of my favorite flowers and a shitty mood coupled with a row with DH. Nice Valentines for me.

Was I BU?

OP posts:
trashcanjunkie · 14/02/2015 22:03

Right, look, in all seriousness, the Valentine is a red herring. What I'm reading here is your husband/dp knows that something is important to you. Now regardless of his temp this week, you're reporting that he doesn't care about the thing that's important to you.... Yeah? So, you're asking, is it ok that you've then behaved unpleasantly in order to pressure him into doing the thing that's soooo important to you, but at the same time, completely trampling the spirit of the thing, because it's the only chance you get to have the thing you want..... Seems ridiculous to me.... Sorry.

mamababa · 14/02/2015 22:04

I'm really shocked that a grown woman who has been with her DP for 15 years or whatever with kids actually gives a shit about Valentine's Day.

FarFromAnyRoad · 14/02/2015 22:04

You NEED them? You actually NEED romantic gestures? God. It's worse than I thought.

Lweji · 14/02/2015 22:04

he begrudges me romantic gestures in general whereas I do need them.

And you begrudge him a day off when he is ill.

Look up languages of love, but if someone had made me go out the door to get them something only symbolic but totally useless when I was feeling poorly, it would be a red flag.
I bet allowing him to stay at home was more important to him that all the crap you bought him for Valentines day.

Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 22:05

Lweji, flowers are important because I love them, I love receiving them from the man in my life, I love the way they smell and never get them otherwise.

OP posts:
mommy2ash · 14/02/2015 22:05

i hate valentines day. seemingly perfectly reasonable people turn crazy for the sake of one day. i know people in awful relationships who are all loved up on facebook today but the cheating and lies will continue tomorrow. i know people with awesome relationships who are bitching they didn't get the correct flowers. get a grip.

Lweji · 14/02/2015 22:06

never get them otherwise.

Because it's so hard to buy them ourselves!

Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 22:06

He has had a day off lying upstairs all day and being fussed over by me. I did breakfast, lunch, washing up and driving the children to usual Sat activities.

OP posts:
TwinkieTwinkle · 14/02/2015 22:07

You sound like a pain in the arse.

trashcanjunkie · 14/02/2015 22:08

God almighty. This is why you're in this situation.... News flash.... Flowers aren't important. Being kind and supportive to your oh and caring how they feel are important. If they did, then surely you'd have the fucking flowers.....

Lweji · 14/02/2015 22:08

At the very least you could have let him off until he feels better. Surely he could still have got you flowers tomorrow or next week?

trashcanjunkie · 14/02/2015 22:09

lwej perhaps we're being unfair... Op may come from a country where women aren't able to go into shops and purchase flowers themselves

Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 22:09

Trash, obviously I wish I didn't feel upset. And obviously it was not worth it in retrospect. To the extent that I want to throw away this bouquet now.

I didn't force him to go and buy me anything. He went out when he saw that I was upset. Could have just done it by his own initiative, couldn't he?

OP posts:
trashcanjunkie · 14/02/2015 22:10

'Fussed over by you' Hmm

meandjulio · 14/02/2015 22:10

I think if you fix arbitrary standards for people to reach which really mean absolutely nothing, they are going to fail to reach them at times and you are going to make yourself and them miserable.

For what? What have you achieved? You've had a horrible day and so has your partner. After he's spent the week looking after the kids and feeling like shit?

How about apologising to him and asking for a fresh start tomorrow, then bring him tea in bed and give him a lie-in? He'll be happier, you'll feel better, a good day, enjoy yourselves? If you can't be kind to each other in a relationship, who will be kind to you?

Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 22:10

Lweji, he wouldn't get me flowers another day. He doesn't think it matters.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 14/02/2015 22:11

You didn't force him???

You went on and on at him and cried when you didn't get any Confused

No you didn't force him at all.

Mrsstarlord · 14/02/2015 22:11

I got DH a packet of cigs, a doughnut and a last minute card. (I was getting him cigs anyway!)

He is still talking to me.

You don't neeeeeed flowers, you want them.

trashcanjunkie · 14/02/2015 22:11

Ah, yes, perfect end to your little silly drama.... Go and snip the bouquet into little pieces over your brabantia whilst crying loudly and watching how beautiful yet tragic you look in the mirror.....

Honestly.

Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 22:12

He's looked after the kids 3 days! Not a week.

OP posts:
TyrannosaurusBex · 14/02/2015 22:12

YABU.

meandjulio · 14/02/2015 22:13

Flowers = manipulation in my book, which may influence my reaction. I've had them regularly from one boyfriend who was an is a complete player, and one ex-husband who used them as a kind of marker of possession. Ugh.

maras2 · 14/02/2015 22:13

After your pathetic performance today,I would never ever give you a gift again.

amicissimma · 14/02/2015 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 14/02/2015 22:15

Buy them.

If he does not do his share at home, if he is not loving to you or the children, I'd say LTB.
If it's because he doesn't think giving flowers is that important, I say let it go.

All this pressure will make the experience of buying you flowers even more stressing. At the very least you could have appreciated that he did go out and got you what you wanted. Big smile, hug and maybe a "was that so hard"?

The poor guy can't win. He even got you your favorite flowers. Not some crap bunch.