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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be scared of death?

487 replies

dragdownthemoon · 14/02/2015 02:11

I am terrified of what happens after death. I have nightmares about it, I have panic attacks when I think about it. I don't want to be a ghost cursed to wander the earth alone or trapped in a hell dimension, or just all alone in the dark. No one knows what happens when we die and I am terrified of what will happen. I tried to talk to DH about it, he actually laughed at me and says he has no concept of why on earth I could be bothered by this.

Does anyone else get freaked out by the thought of what happens when we die? I am tormented by it and there is no escape, death is coming to us all

OP posts:

Mermaidhair · 14/02/2015 10:19

Definitely no hell per say. It's sonewhere we put ourselves.

Mermaidhair · 14/02/2015 10:19

Somewhere

TooManyDicksOnTheDancefloor · 14/02/2015 10:28

DH had the same fear, he wakes up in the night with his heart pounding in a cold sweat, it really terrifies him. I don't know how you overcome it, he went to the doctor once about it but he didn't have any suggestions.

marthasmith · 14/02/2015 10:38

The coding behind DNA reveals such intelligence that it staggers the imagination. A mere pinhead of DNA contains information equivalent to a stack of paperback books that would encircle the earth 5,000 times. And DNA operates like a language with its own extremely complex software code. Microsoft founder Bill Gates says that the software of DNA is “far, far more complex than any software we have ever developed.”
That certainly makes you think.

Fluffyears · 14/02/2015 11:52

My gran was a nurse on the geriatric wards so saw quite a lot of lives end. She wasn't frightened as the dead looked so peaceful and many of them would call out a name in there last moments. This name was usually a loved one who had passed before them. I believe when you due you leave your earthly she'll and go into a new journey again led by those who loved and led you whilst you were alive.

weebarra · 14/02/2015 12:00

I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and therefore had to confront my mortality. I'm not scared of death, I have no faith but I'm not scared. I would be devastated not to see my children grow up, and I would be so sad to leave DH, but I'm not scared of death itself.

SorchaN · 14/02/2015 12:14

I agree, Mermaidhair. Hell is an internalised fear. Some churches have historical doctrines about hell, and there are still a few who claim that hell is a real place, but I've never been to any church service that threatened people with hell (I suppose I could find one if I looked really hard). Most Christians these days simply don't believe in hell. And it's not a concept in Judaism either.

I once went to a talk by a very well-respected Catholic theologian. Someone in the audience asked him if he believed in hell, and he answered, "No! I believe in God!" And he went on to talk about the theology of love. It seems much more appropriate to me. If there is a God, and if God cares about the created world, then hell just can't exist. If there is any kind of afterlife, it isn't one of torment; it's one of joy.

SorchaN · 14/02/2015 12:16

Weebarra, I'm so sorry. I hope treatment is going / has gone well.

treaclesoda · 14/02/2015 12:25

Sorcha I've spent my entire life raised in, surrounded by, and attending churches who talk non stop about hell. Every lesson involves a reminder of hell. And most sermons revolve around the idea that even if you believe you're a Christian you're probably doing it all wrong and will go to hell anyway. Just recently I got a leaflet posted through my door with visions of hell reminding me that that is where I'm heading. Even though I do believe in God and I do try to live a life that I hope would please him. I've never come across a Christian church that doesn't do the fire and brimstone stuff, and the worst thing is that even if I did, the fire and brimstone crew that I've been surrounded with teach that non fire and brimstone types are actually teaching a false doctrine that will lead it's followers straight to, you guessed it, hell. It messes with my head quite frankly.

bilbodog · 14/02/2015 13:06

I used to be afraid of death when I was younger, but not so much now. It is one reason I loved the book The Lovely Bones - Suzies 'heaven' in there sounds wonderful - one where you can have exactly what you want, only see the people you want to see who are already dead - and you can, for some of the time, look back at those left behind - I found it quietly re-assuring - even though I don't believe in God or any religion.

Staywithme · 14/02/2015 13:18

I'm so sorry about your husband Mermaid
I'm glad your faith gives you comfort and I simetimes envy those that have such a strong faith. My friend has a strong faith which gave her comfort when her husband passed.

I don't have any and neither does my husband, who is terminally ill, however we both feel like it's just a sudden stopping of consciousness. We just stop existing which gives comfort in its self as it means an end to suffering.

allypally999 · 14/02/2015 13:18

I used to be terrified of death too (my own and anyone elses) but 7 years in the funeral biz has knocked it out of me and seems quite matter of fact now (also have lost a few people myself recently). I have also found some very strange things happening at work which can't be explained and have led to my belief in something spiritual - not necessarily God as such - but something as things always work out in the end.

Pippin8 · 14/02/2015 13:30

Allypally, what kinds of strange things?

ajandjjmum · 14/02/2015 13:43

Mermaid - what made you so convinced?

Davsmum · 14/02/2015 14:04

I started getting panic episodes about dying when I was about 12 years old. It would come and go. My mum used to laugh about it and tell me everyone has these thoughts.
There were times I would dwell on it but I think it only happened when I had anxiety caused by other issues. If it is becoming regular OP, I would go and see your GP because I think it can be caused by general anxiety.

Mine returned after I had my first baby and I had PND. The fear of dying returned and was so bad I used to get a bit hysterical.
I don't get it anymore,..well no more than as a passing thought. As someone else pointed out, being dead is the same as before you were born. However. You will live on in people's memories and in genes you have passed on.

Do talk to a Counsellor or a professional though, if it gets bad because it can be a sign of depression.

meglet · 14/02/2015 14:11

oh, I have huge panics over dying . 3 am heart racing staring at my dark bedroom type things.

It was triggered by my dad dying and made even worse by the rest of my family moving. If I die before the dc's are adults they'll have their lives tipped upside down going to live in another county. makes me feel sick tbh.

ssd · 14/02/2015 14:17

mermaid, can I ask why you were convinced it was your dh coming though? I've had similar and am sure its real, dont know how it works but it did.

SorchaN · 14/02/2015 14:51

treaclesoda Yes, I'm aware that there are some churches like that (although in my part of the world they're definitely a small minority) and I'm sorry to hear about your experiences because it seems to me that fear of hell isn't the best reason to praise Jesus! Over the last 200 years or so, many churches have claimed to be exclusively right, and it's become part of Christian culture to say that other churches are wrong, but again I think that's about social control rather than theological truth. The way I see it, it makes more sense to worship God because it's the right thing to do in this world, rather than focusing on what might happen after we die.

allypally999 · 14/02/2015 14:55

pippin just things always working out - pick up a file and the person phones (after 6 months) - papers wrong always sorted in time - doctors all bolshy fall into line and do paperwork - everything always fine and sometimes quite spooky but we got used to it. Not sure who is in charge but someone clearly is

headinhands · 14/02/2015 14:59

no one knows what happens when we day

What we observe is that we are our brain, you only have to observe brain damage to see that. When we die our brain will stop working and we will be dead, like the millions of years before you were born. What is lovely is that we live on in the memories of those we touched.

dreamingofblueskies · 14/02/2015 15:00

drag I could have written your OP, it is me to a tee, if I allow myself to think about it I have a massive panic attack and I sometimes wish I had never been born.
The only way I cope with it is to block it out as much as I possibly can and hope that as I get older I acquire some sort of acceptance or understanding.
And no possible solution works for me, if we go on for ever I find that as terrifying as if we just stop.

Davsmum · 14/02/2015 15:33

dreaingofblueskies I am not sure blocking it out helps long term. I don't know what the best solution is but I found reading spiritual books,..not religious or clairvoyant type stuff ..but more about mindfulness and thoughts helped in accepting the inevitability of dying. It would also help if we did not surround death with mystery to our children.
I think we should be more matter of fact about it.
I can say that as I have got older it has become less scary. It is still something that makes me sad but it doesn't grip me the way it used to.
I remember thinking I was the only one who felt that way, but as you can see from this thread, it is common. We ARE all in it together because it is something we will all face.

ItsCarnage · 14/02/2015 16:45

I know the fear and reading this thread is bringing it back to me,
Its not death but more not living that scares me does that even makes sense . The idea that the world just carries on and you are nothing everything I've done has been for nothing except obviously having a child.

I shake it off and carry on day to day and hope that I live the happiest life I can.

GoldfishSpy · 14/02/2015 16:52

I died once. 6 years ago I had a ruptured ectopic, bled out internally. Died for over four minutes, resuscitated as extremely fortunately I was in a and e at the time.

I came back, obviously, but dying was fine. Relaxing even.

It was like slipping into sleep, but more so. More dark and more decisive, somehow. But absolutely fine.

I am not a believer in any god. But I am not frightened at all about not being, since then.

Davsmum · 14/02/2015 17:01

I have heard a few accounts like yours GoldFishSpy All said it was peaceful and since it happened they no.longer had a fear.

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