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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my teenage son

335 replies

Apple17 · 11/02/2015 09:34

I will probably be flamed for this but I'm at the end of my tether with him.
My son is 14 and completely unruly, he has no respect for anyone in our family, swears and is violent.
I love him so much but really dislike him, living with him is like living with a ticking bomb waiting for any minute when he's gonna explode into one of his rages.
His anger and violence is mainly aimed at his 10 year old sister, he is absolutely vile to her, calls her a fat bitch, wanker, c**t.. You name it he calls her it, she's a red head and he will also call her things like 'ginger prick'.. He hits her, pushes her, he's given her a fat lip before, she's no angel and I know at times she will probably wind him up as siblings do but he's reactions are extreme and it's got to the point where I don't want to leave them in the same room together, Its got to the point when I pick her up from school we both don't want to go home cos we know he will just be horrible, pick fights and be verbally abusive to us both so we will sit in costa for a couple of hours till DH comes home, I feel so sorry for her she has such a hard time and is always in tears by the way he's treated her or hurt her.
This morning has just pushed me over the edge, I was in the bedroom getting ready after a shower DD said she would feed the dog, 2 minutes later I hear world war 3 going off my DD run in the bedroom screaming holding her side, her brother had punched her and swore at her for apparently feeding the dog wrong! I go and speak with him and I get called a fat wanker and a face full of dog biscuits thrown at me... I just went to my room and broke down, I really have had enough of him. I'm also 5 months pregnant so feeling emotional as it is. I have tried to seek help for him for his anger problems, been to the doctors numerous times begging for help and I just get nowhere, the last doctors appointment resulted in a referral to camms?? (Not sure if that's what's it called) so will see how far we get with them although I'm not holding out much hope! Sorry it's so long I just wanted to explain the best I could.

OP posts:
DishwasherDogs · 12/02/2015 14:45

"But he can control it at school ...so he can control it at home"

No.
It's really not as simple as this.
Some people can mask how they are feeling at school then get home and cannot keep up the act any longer.
My own ds does this. He was assessed recently and found to have ASD features, but because no-one in school could see anything, he couldn't have a diagnosis. He is 9 and behaves very similarly to the OP's ds
Masking is a real thing. It's possibly not a deliberate act, but it is mentally exhausting, for both the child, and for the parents, because no bugger believes what is going on, or assumes you are a shit parent.
It makes no difference at all how many consequences you give, how strict you are, how consistent you are. There are ways to deal with it, but it's a totally different approach to parenting a child without these issues.

Of course I could be on the wrong track here, but no child behaves like this for no reason. Once you find the trigger(s), it's easier to stop this happening.

And please, please supervise your dc like hawks, to be there to prevent your dd from getting hurt, but also to spot the triggers to him flying off the handle like this.

TheHoneyBadger · 12/02/2015 14:58

having features of a disorder doesn't mean you have a disorder though does it - surely we ALL have features of at least one disorder if not multiple disorders.

apart from which even if this was down to a disorder a ten year old child would still need safeguarding from being physically assaulted and abused in her own home on a regular basis.

Andro · 12/02/2015 14:59

Apple, it's what you haven't said which gives the impression that you're not taking this as seriously as maybe you need to. You are clearly very worried about your son and are doing a lot to try and help him, you haven't said what steps you are taking to help your daughter (both in terms of preventing her being abused and in respect of coming to terms with the abuse she has already endured).

TheHoneyBadger · 12/02/2015 15:05

re: have you been to your dds school about her abuse? have you been to dds gp about the damage to her? have you taken dd for counselling? has dd had these special cheering her on all of mum and mum's partner's special attention sessions too?

we've heard lots about all the ways you're trying to help your son but very little about how a 10yo child is being helped and receiving intervention to cope with being physically and psychologically abused in her own home and living in fear of going home.

presumably you are involving her school and health professionals too? she too is getting professional help and special attention to cope with this? or not?

TheHoneyBadger · 12/02/2015 15:06

if not then please try to remedy that if you hope to have a relationship with her in the future and for her future wellbeing not to be totally blighted by this.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2015 15:07

No I diden't say he was a wife beater, but if you don't operate a zero tolerance approach, and call the Police if he is violent and abusive, than your 14 year old ds, could grow to be a man with those traits. Also I suggest you keep a log of all violent and abusive behaviour, and present it to your GP and ask for a referral to a child psychiatrist.

Passmethecrisps · 12/02/2015 15:09

I actually think that apple should consider hiding the thread now.

Not because of the advice being given - there is a huge amount of very, very good advice here and some fair comments about concerns.

However, I think apple is responding in an understandably defensive manner to the handful of posters who have made unhelpful and crass judgements about her child.

I suspect she need time to digest much of the advice and experience shared and consider carefully how she is going to take this forward.

She doesn't owe any contributor and explanation or a detailed account of calling the police. I actually feel that if she suddey reported him after many years of this I would find that hard to believe.

The situation apple is in is almost impossibly complex and she will need time to come to terms with it.

None of us know or can possibly try to guess why her son behaves the way he does and finding that out is likely to be a long and very difficult journey.

Sorry. I am not preaching or insisting others stop posting. On the contrary the many helpful and supportive posts are wonderful.

SuburbanRhonda · 12/02/2015 15:12

And OP, please remember that if anyone at your DD's school has concerns about what she's going through and contacts Children's Services to report their concerns, they will take a very dim view if they believe the adults around her are not taking steps to protect her from harm.

SuburbanRhonda · 12/02/2015 15:14

However long the journey is, pass, the OP's DD must be protected from harm now.

Not when the OP has got to the bottom of why her DS is behaving like this. Her DD does not have the luxury of waiting until the mystery is solved.

unlucky83 · 12/02/2015 15:15

Dish you missed the important bit - 'at least to the extent that he doesn't punch his sister' It is that stepping over the line that is the problem.
I said my DD is being assessed for ADHD - part of the criteria is the symptoms have to present in more than one situation.
She isn't disruptive at school - she struggles to concentrate at school, doodles, fidgets, daydreams - but not disruptive. Whilst at an activity her hyperactivity is obvious.
At home we get both ...but I can mostly help her keep calm(ish) so she doesn't get so hyped up she loses all control. I don't expect her to be as controlled as she is at school - that wouldn't be fair - but she has shown she can control it - therefore she is allowed to be herself, loud and bouncy and wild quite a lot of the time but just not constantly -she has to rein it in sometimes - and I know she can because she does at school...and I don't think that is unreasonable (sure the neighbours appreciate it too!)
I know another teen who is similar but uses their 'label' frequently as an excuse for misbehaving which I wouldn't tolerate.
In a few years they have to go out into the world - and people will be less forgiving and understanding - they will have to control it or be unemployable....

Passmethecrisps · 12/02/2015 15:15

Of course suburban. You are right

Celticlass2 · 12/02/2015 16:32

Cannot believe that you are still defending the indefensible OP. I can't believe either the amount if posters pussyfooting around you, and soothing your brow while a little girl is suffering in her own home on your watch!

Royalsighness · 12/02/2015 16:42

How can help and support/advice turn into squabbling like children really? Who is that helping?

DishwasherDogs · 12/02/2015 16:51

Unlucky - ds shows no signs at all at school, but will come home and blow up about all the little insignificant things that have happened, most of them that I don't know about until we can piece together clues that come out during meltdowns.
Most nights he has to be heavily supervised, otherwise he would lash out and hurt his siblings, which is why I suggested that the OP ups supervision to prevent her dd from getting hurt.

And honey, having features, whilst not getting a diagnosis can go someway to help the OP use different strategies that are more likely to help her ds which in turn will help her dd.

Celtic, he is not indefensible, he is a 14 yr old boy who needs help. Of course the dd needs help too, of course she does, but the op has 2 dc who both have needs. She can't address the issues of one without addressing the needs of the other.

Celticlass2 · 12/02/2015 17:00

Dishwasher it's quite obvious that the OP places the welfare if her DD way below her concern for her DS.
This is one of the most disturbing threads I've ever read. I have no sympathy for apple whatsoever. She's going to reap what she sows..

Royalsighness · 12/02/2015 17:05

FACEPALM

CrispyFern · 12/02/2015 17:12

I think you ought to make more of a fuss with whoever you can think of, to try to push things forward to access some help for your son, who is clearly not behaving normally.
Go to school about your daughter, go to the doctor about your daughter, the effect your son is having on her. Go back to the doctor about your son.

Someone might be able to offer some help, if you catch the right person. It sounds very very difficult!

DixieNormas · 12/02/2015 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ghostyslovesheep · 12/02/2015 17:16

Apple I'm sorry you are being so needlessly attacked here - it's not helpful

some people have no idea what it's like to deal with a child like your son

I do - as I have told you privately - it's very easy to criticise - much harder to walk a mile in your shoes.

I have 3 girls - my eldest was very similar to your son - I had to lock myself and the other 2 away from her for our safety many many times.

She was fine at school until year 6 when it began to leak out - it was ONLY then that people began to help - because they refused to believe she could be so angry

I asked CAMHS, SS, our GP, the school etc repeatedly for help

eventually something happened to her at school and it became a safeguarding issues and all the help appeared - and things have improved massively

people have no fucking idea how hard this is for you - and I hope they never ever have to find out xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

DixieNormas · 12/02/2015 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

drudgetrudy · 12/02/2015 17:18

Apple-I have every sympathy for you-it must be a terrible thing to be caught between your children like this.

However-I do think that in protecting your DD you will also be helping your son.
Even if he has a disorder he cannot treat a younger sibling with physical aggression and you need to set that boundary by calling the police/social services if necessary.
This does not mean that you are turning your back on him.
Warn him in advance that if he causes physical harm to anyone else or if his own safety is at risk this is what you will do.
Tell him that you are concerned that he is unhappy and want to help but that you cannot have this aggression in your home.
Sadly by the age of 14 CAMHS will not be able to assess and help him very well without his co-operation-you need to use both carrot and stick to make him accept help.

Listen to him-empathise with him but hold strong limits.

drudgetrudy · 12/02/2015 17:19

Agree with Ghosty-its easy for some people to criticise-they have no f**ing idea xxx

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 12/02/2015 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Celticlass2 · 12/02/2015 17:34

I'd much rather be called a bully than an abuse apologist.