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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my teenage son

335 replies

Apple17 · 11/02/2015 09:34

I will probably be flamed for this but I'm at the end of my tether with him.
My son is 14 and completely unruly, he has no respect for anyone in our family, swears and is violent.
I love him so much but really dislike him, living with him is like living with a ticking bomb waiting for any minute when he's gonna explode into one of his rages.
His anger and violence is mainly aimed at his 10 year old sister, he is absolutely vile to her, calls her a fat bitch, wanker, c**t.. You name it he calls her it, she's a red head and he will also call her things like 'ginger prick'.. He hits her, pushes her, he's given her a fat lip before, she's no angel and I know at times she will probably wind him up as siblings do but he's reactions are extreme and it's got to the point where I don't want to leave them in the same room together, Its got to the point when I pick her up from school we both don't want to go home cos we know he will just be horrible, pick fights and be verbally abusive to us both so we will sit in costa for a couple of hours till DH comes home, I feel so sorry for her she has such a hard time and is always in tears by the way he's treated her or hurt her.
This morning has just pushed me over the edge, I was in the bedroom getting ready after a shower DD said she would feed the dog, 2 minutes later I hear world war 3 going off my DD run in the bedroom screaming holding her side, her brother had punched her and swore at her for apparently feeding the dog wrong! I go and speak with him and I get called a fat wanker and a face full of dog biscuits thrown at me... I just went to my room and broke down, I really have had enough of him. I'm also 5 months pregnant so feeling emotional as it is. I have tried to seek help for him for his anger problems, been to the doctors numerous times begging for help and I just get nowhere, the last doctors appointment resulted in a referral to camms?? (Not sure if that's what's it called) so will see how far we get with them although I'm not holding out much hope! Sorry it's so long I just wanted to explain the best I could.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 12/02/2015 09:19

Any referral to a specialist service such as a child psychiatry would probably be made by a GP. But the GP would have to be reasonably certain there is a mental health problem. Same with CAMHS - they work with young people with mental health problems. The OP's DS may well have a mental health problem but that needs to be identified and if he hasn't, CAMHS is not the service he needs.

In the OP's shoes, I would be taking my DS to the GP and if he won't come, I would be talking to the GP myself and asking for a paediatric assessment. And phoning the police for advice at the same time.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2015 09:34

SuburbanRohonda what op needs to do, is type out information about ds behaviour and present it to the GP. My friend did that regarding her ds 7 as she suspects ASD, and has got a referral to the community Paedritrician.

JudgeRinderSays · 12/02/2015 09:38

aeroflat I think it is important how it happened.A shove and her falling against something is very different in my book to a punch to the head!!

JudgeRinderSays · 12/02/2015 09:38

...and it's really irritating when you speak on behalf of the OP like that. Just sayin'

Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2015 09:42

I am not speaking on behalf of the of Judge, I am going by what the op has written, they have obviously got a big problem on their hands that needs to be addressed. Be it OP and her dh, implementing a zero tolerence, and seeking professional help. Either way, he injured the girl, if an adult did that, there would be severe consequences, no different for this boy.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2015 09:46

If you read the op, she has said that her ds hits and pushes dd, which is totally unacceptable.

tiggytape · 12/02/2015 09:47

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2015 09:49

Exactly tiggy, I wish people would read the op properly.

Royalsighness · 12/02/2015 09:52

Try going on www.youngminds.org.uk and see if that gives you any useful advice or help x

DixieNormas · 12/02/2015 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeeCayed · 12/02/2015 10:16

Unlucky83 I sympathise with you, it can be so exhausting and knowing which battles to pick.

I've threatened to tell ds2's teacher (he's nearly 5) about his behaviour at home but it never really phased him but yesterday I spoke to her about it and asked about his behaviour at school, she was shocked about his swearing/bolting/fighting/backchat and promised to have a word with him. He came home and mentioned his teacher spoke to him and he's promised that he's going to be a good boy and last night and this morning were really good. Long may it continue!

I hope things improve for your dd Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2015 10:46

I agree Dixie, op and her dh need to operate a zero tolerance in their family.

TheHoneyBadger · 12/02/2015 11:39

hard to enforce zero tolerance with someone who is violent towards you.

i know people mean well saying take his ps away but would you, whilst 5 months pregnant, want to have that stand off with a violent 14yo who is screaming 'fuck off you fat bitch' in your face?

think it's gone beyond that and a sharp scare and wake up call is needed before he'll respond to the op telling him what to do or setting ground rules.

DixieNormas · 12/02/2015 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopgap · 12/02/2015 12:21

Get help. My brother was like this (more verbally violent, but he did come to blows with my dad a few times). He got worse, and was arrested a few times.

Strangely, he seemed to "outgrow" these tendencies in his mid to late twenties, and despite never having gone to university and bombing his GCSEs, he now has a good sales job, own home, nice friends etc.

Our relationship never fully recovered, however, which is sad.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2015 12:30

But Honey, the zero tolerance could be calling the Police if he starts turning violent, to the point of frightening. Find out the number of your local station, and call them or 111 if not. It is domestic violence whatever way you look at it, yes the root of the problem could be MH, or undiagnosed special needs, or angry of the family dynamic.

DixieNormas · 12/02/2015 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Apple17 · 12/02/2015 12:55

Thanks to any new posters who have offered helpful advice and thank you to all who have given me names and numbers of organisations we can turn to.
Also I just want to say my son is not a thug, horrible human being, woman beater or any other
disgusting name he's been called! He's a 14 year old child who desperately needs help, also I don't 'allow' my DD to be hit, this is not a secret behind closed doors that we are turning a blind eye to. My DDs welfare is my priority as is my DS. I have a duty of care to both my 2 children... I will absolutely not turn my back on him, chuck him out of his family home, lock him in his room 24/7 like some wild caged animal which has disgustingly been suggested!

OP posts:
unlucky83 · 12/02/2015 13:30

apple Flowers I'm sure your 14 yo child isn't a thug - but it does sound like, from what you have written, he is behaving like one...you need to accept that and take it very seriously.
Honestly I can understand you are feeling defensive and why. And this is meant with kindness - you do sound like you might be slightly in denial.

Good Luck today.

mummytime · 12/02/2015 13:50

Unfortunately (as some parents on MN have found) sometimes to get the help your son needs - you have to take drastic steps. Social services are so overwhelmed that unless they are forced to accept a family can no longer cope, they will try to ignore the situation.

People have found that the only way to get their children the help they so desperately need has been: to take them to A and E OR call the police OR chuck them out of the house.

Of course the other option is to allow your DD to receive so many injuries that she is considered to be a safeguarding concern, and to involve the authorities that way.

Original poster
Apple17 · 12/02/2015 13:59

Unlucky - I'm not in denial, I'm fully aware my sons behaviour is disgusting I accept that. But it the things he does that are disgusting not him as a person. He's my son and a child I'm gonna get defensive when people resort to calling him names and suggest I lock him in his room 24/7 like he's a wild animal!
I'm also taking his behaviour seriously, what have I said that suggests I'm not?? If I wasn't taking it seriously I wouldn't be repeatedly at the gp's begging for help when my case with ss was repeatedly closed and we were left to get on with it without any real help, I wouldn't be constantly seeking different avenues for us to go down, having constant meetings with the senco at my sons school, attending appointments at CAMHS. I'm taking it very seriously indeed!

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 12/02/2015 14:01

the only thing is that the whole of that post was about ds with no mention of dd.

maybe safeguarding dd needs a higher priority than your giving it? it's commendable you have so much concern for your son just make sure your dd's and your own safety and wellbeing and that of your baby on it's way don't get overlooked.

SunnyBaudelaire · 12/02/2015 14:06

I think you should prioritise safeguarding your daughter.
She is not safe at home, is she?

WeirdCatLady · 12/02/2015 14:14

Op, did you call the police in the end?

I feel so sorry for your dd. My brother had "issues" growing up and regularly beat the crap out of me. My parents never did anything effective about it either.

I never forgave my mother or my brother. They can both rot in hell as far as I'm concerned.

Please look after your daughter, she is the victim here.

unlucky83 · 12/02/2015 14:22

apple I said I completely get why you are feeling defensive - he is your baby, your child - of course you are. We all would be.
But he can control it at school ...so he can control it at home - or at least to the extent that he doesn't punch his sister...
You are doing all these things for him - taking responsibility- he isn't...and he isn't a small child, he isn't helpless...he is a young adult. Some of this needs to come from him ...so by taking this seriously I mean getting HIM to accept and face that his behaviour is unacceptable - no excuses - even if that means calling the police...you and all the agencies in the world can't help him if he doesn't take responsibility for his own actions.