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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dickhead threatening to burn my hair!!

312 replies

ClockworkAngel · 07/02/2015 04:34

I have just got in from an otherwise good night out. Rarely I have a child free night so I went out with a good friend for her birthday.
I was having a brilliant time but she had invited some friends of hers. All of them are lovely but one. I disliked him from the start. He kept criticising me. For instance he kept calling me boring because I wasn't drinking alcohol but kept on and on all night about it, telling me I needed to 'cheer up and smile' and 'get a few more drinks down and loosen up'. Really fucking annoying.
Towards the end of the night, waiting for taxis, I ended up talking to an old friend I happened to bump into and as my back was turned, this guy took a lighter out his pocket and threatened the others he would burn my hair. He lit the lighter and held it up really close to my hair.
I couldn't get over what this guy had done but everyone else said I was overreacting and that it's 'only hair'. But that isn' t the point is it? If he had threatened to burn my skin everyone would be up in arms but why is it any different because it's my hair?
Am I overreacting? It happened over and hour ago and I'm still thinking about it. Do I need to get a grip?
I think my problem is that I just cannot get over how fucking thick some people can be. Doesn't take a genius to work out that burning someone's hair or whatever is potentially dangerous.
TIA

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 18:26

sardine I'm not sure what your issue is here? If the incident was reported to me, I would treat a female complainer the same as I would a male. Or do you want women to be treated differently?

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 18:27

You are putting words into my mouth, but carry on.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 18:31

My issue is the way the 2 police officers on this thread have reacted to the OPs story.

At no point have you said "that other officer is wrong it is a crime" or anything like that. All you have done is said "he might just as easily have done it to a man" so let's not let feminism get in the way of the facts and that what he did isn't a sex crime (it isn't) and it's not a sex based crime (most women would recognise it as such).

If police officers are going to deny the reality of men doing stuff to women because they are women then women are fucked aren't they. And oh look at how the police have treated women reporting stuff over the years, yes too right we're fucked.

And I never see ANY desire from the police on here to improve matters just defensiveness, argumentativeness and nitpicking. Oh and earlier on we had gaslighting which is a pretty stupid thing to do when what you said before is there in black and white...

laughingmyarseoff · 07/02/2015 18:33

As someone who was threatened with a sexual act, I'm very glad the police took it seriously and logged it- especially when things escalated. If the OP wants to report it, she should, if she doesn't she shouldn't. The man may well be known to them as the one I knew was.

laughingmyarseoff · 07/02/2015 18:35

Not saying this is a sexual act but the police were very interested in all threats he later made to myself and best friend- sexual or not. A threat is a threat if you are upset or worried then it doesn't hurt to report.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 18:46

sardine The police don't deal in feminism. They deal with the offence reported and all available evidence, regardless of the genders. There is no "sex based crime" as you seem to think.

I have my own personal opinion as to the op reporting it, and I'm not sure why you think I should agree or disagree with the other police officer? And am I expected to apologise for how women are dealt with in previous years?

All my victims, particularly of sexual crime are treated with the respect and dignity they deserve. But I don't treat people differently because of their gender, and why wold I be expected to?

I don't get emotive on a forum because I see such shocking things in real life that folk acting like an arsehole on a Friday night doesn't shock me.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 18:52

I'm not asking anyone to treat people differently.

I am not surprised that police officers will take the approach that you and the other one have. The OP didn't mention reporting it to anyone, she talked about what a man had done to her on a night out ie badgered her all night and then threatened to set her hair on fire. This elicited 2 responses from police officers, one was "that's not a crime" and the other was "no-one can say he did that because OP is a woman".

I do not feel these responses are helpful. Personally. One is outright wrong and the other does nothing to address what the OP was talking about (am I over-reacting to feel upset) and just seems to want to minimise the suggestion that the man probably did this to her because she was a woman. Even though that is almost certainly true.

That's how I feel and you will both be pleased to know that attitudes like both of yours and the police officers I have encountered in real life mean that the only crime I have ever reported has been property crime - same as a lot of other women as well. So, you know. Nice one.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 18:54

I like the idea that there is no "sex based crime" around the world.

I mean really, you can say that with a straight face?

I think there is wilful misunderstanding and petty oneupmanship going on here and it's pathetic. A woman was threatened and was upset about it and putting aside what the other officer said, your reaction is, he might have done that to a man with long hair no-one knows. Well that's really really helpful thank you for that officer.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 18:57

sardine Its pointless discussing anything with you, it really is. Think what you want.

ApocalypseThen · 07/02/2015 19:29

But I don't treat people differently because of their gender, and why wold I be expected to?

No. But I think many of us are astonished that you refuse to recognize that there is a very specific type of crime committed by men against women which may need a different approach. This was not a street brawl where both were involved. This was, according to the OP, a series of behaviours that escalated through the evening until she was actually physically threatened. This is a pattern that women will recognize, even if the police don't.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 19:36

apocalpse What I am trying to show is that for an incident like this, it is not categorised. Offences against minors, offences incorporating a racial element, or other aggravations are rightly categorised as an aggravation. Offences against women are NOT an aggravation, even if posters do not want to believe me.

It is a relatively minor incident that unfortunately happens in every town centre every weekend. And before I get rounded on for saying it is minor, it won't feel like that the the op but it will not get the alarm bells ringing that some posters think it will. My department wouldn't even be notified of it, and we are informed of any serious incidents that are reported.

ApocalypseThen · 07/02/2015 19:42

Yeah well, perhaps it's the strict legal definition of what constitutes aggrevation should include women. Of course, racial abuse can affect men so it's quite serious.

In any event, there will come a point where this guy will wave a lighter at someone's hair and it will go up. Maybe that'll be worth taking seriously. But thankfully it will just be some random thing that some man did to some woman - who could guess why he chose this specific form of attack that men do. For some reason to women only, again, who could hope to guess why? Random, probably.

OfficerVanHalen · 07/02/2015 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 07/02/2015 20:56

I'm sat here trying to work out whether Nicknacky has finally realised that there is a rather gaping semantic difference between 'sex based crime' and 'sex crime'.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 20:59

What do you mean "finally"? I'm well aware of the difference as I investigate sexual related crime for a living. But as for the rest of it assault/breach of the peace/threats are offences regardless of gender. Why is that so hard for people to understand?

TheChandler · 07/02/2015 21:09

I'm a lawyer, and if the police refused to record it if I reported a threat to burn my hair, then there would be hell to pay. However NickyNacky is correct when she points out:

for an incident like this, it is not categorised. Offences against minors, offences incorporating a racial element, or other aggravations are rightly categorised as an aggravation. Offences against women are NOT an aggravation, even if posters do not want to believe me.

Its about time that offences based on gender were categorised as aggravated crimes. Then it might actually have an effect on the appalling rate of minor incidents that (usually) women suffer on account of them being female. Just as it has had had a positive effect on racially aggravated incidents. People now think far more about committing a racially aggravated, or even making a racially aggravated statement. Particularly in light of whats been making news headlines this past week.

But sexually aggravated conduct against women just isn't considered as important, or as serious, as racially motivated crime. In some ways, this could actually be argued to be promoting crime against women (reports of people being afraid to intervene in case they are accused of being racist).

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 21:11

And you see more male victims than female ones?

That's interesting. Not what I would have expected, given the stats.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 21:12

Sorry that was to nicknacky.

TheChandler · 07/02/2015 21:14

And of course the bottom line is that police don't want to investigate crimes like this, because just about everybody minimises it as minor and statistics would go through the roof, if you treated threatening to burn a woman's hair after she refuses sexual advances in a public place as seriously as a threat to burn someone's hair if they wore it in a different style for example, for religious reasons.

And of course its a bloody crime, fgs!

But women are just supposed to suck it up, dealing with men sexually harassing you and holding weapons close to your body and threatning to use them, its all part of going out for the night, eh?

mathanxiety · 07/02/2015 21:15

It's hard for people to understand how you can be so wrong about this.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 21:16

sardine Not really, given that males are apparently statistically more at risk of being the victim of serious violence than women. I see plenty of complainers of sexual violence who are female but most violent offences are aimed at men. Off hand I have no idea percentage wise, but I would say the majority of my workload has male complainers and most of my colleagues would say the same.

mathanxiety · 07/02/2015 21:17

More male victims are seen because they will never be accused of asking for it.

mathanxiety · 07/02/2015 21:17

If there is any element at all of gender to harassment or threats or assault, then it is automatically the victim who is scrutinised.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 21:21

I didn't realise that men were more at risk of being victims of sexual related crime and I'm surprised that you see more male victims than female. I'm really honestly surprised.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 21:22

I'm sure that's not what the crime survey etc says.

Are you including children? Although I'd have thought both male and female children at risk.

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