Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dickhead threatening to burn my hair!!

312 replies

ClockworkAngel · 07/02/2015 04:34

I have just got in from an otherwise good night out. Rarely I have a child free night so I went out with a good friend for her birthday.
I was having a brilliant time but she had invited some friends of hers. All of them are lovely but one. I disliked him from the start. He kept criticising me. For instance he kept calling me boring because I wasn't drinking alcohol but kept on and on all night about it, telling me I needed to 'cheer up and smile' and 'get a few more drinks down and loosen up'. Really fucking annoying.
Towards the end of the night, waiting for taxis, I ended up talking to an old friend I happened to bump into and as my back was turned, this guy took a lighter out his pocket and threatened the others he would burn my hair. He lit the lighter and held it up really close to my hair.
I couldn't get over what this guy had done but everyone else said I was overreacting and that it's 'only hair'. But that isn' t the point is it? If he had threatened to burn my skin everyone would be up in arms but why is it any different because it's my hair?
Am I overreacting? It happened over and hour ago and I'm still thinking about it. Do I need to get a grip?
I think my problem is that I just cannot get over how fucking thick some people can be. Doesn't take a genius to work out that burning someone's hair or whatever is potentially dangerous.
TIA

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 22:05

Dunno TheChandler I don't think many women would report, most don't report much more serious things.

I still don't know why my idea that in an ideal world the police would record all crime reported to them and have it on a central database and then try to find matches was such a laughable idea.

wetbehindtheears · 07/02/2015 22:06

I should be shocked by maverick's posts but tbh they don't surprise me.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 22:06

yvette. Yep god forbid I investigate your reported offence. Thoroughly, professionally, with respect and with the main aim of bringing an offender to justice. Yes, I'm the worst kind of officer. That's why I have a great reputation at work for doing my best when it comes to all offences I deal with.

Although, according to mumsnet that still isn't enough.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 22:07

She came into the thread to say that there was no reason to think the man who did that to the OP wouldn't have done it to a man with long hair. And that it wasn't a "sex based crime".

Thus getting off to a bad start from the POV of many posters I think.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 22:08

Actually, wetbehindtheears is bang on.

wetbehindtheears · 07/02/2015 22:09

Sorry to split hairs, but that wasn't quite what was said:

Nicknacky Sat 07-Feb-15 16:39:53
I think posters are being confused with their perception of "sex based crime". It is not a sexually aggravated offence, and would not be treated as a sexual offence.

He may well have done the same to a male with long hair, for all we know.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 22:13

Yes that was exactly what she said.

Women and girls get this sort of shit from men all the time, and then someone tells a story, and everyone says, oh well men can be arseholes like that, and a police officer comes on to say hold on now you can't say that maybe he would have done it to a man just the same.

Which is a total erasure of the experiences of women and girls. A man badgers a woman all night and then threatens to burn her hair off, and gets told that she (and no-one else) should be saying it happened because she's a woman? Come off it! Like I say, with this approach, women are fucked aren't they. If the daily crap they get from men is covered up like this.

YvetteChauvire · 07/02/2015 22:15

NickNacky I do not report any crime committed against me because of the awful response I have received from the police. So no chance of you ever investigating any crime against me.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 22:16

sardine. I'm honestly not sure what your issue is? If this was reported to me I would deal with it no matter what gender the people were. Why are you implying I wouldn't deal with it? I can't categorise it as a hate crime because it's not. That isn't my fault and you would need to complain to the government about that.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 22:16

"There is no "sex based crime" as you seem to think."

Nicknacky has refused to engage with the possibility of systemic male on female stuff. She came on to say the man in the OP could well have done it to a man, and she has been careful to point out that she sees more male victims than female.

Her posts point in one direction for me, and to others reading as well.

Not as bad as the other officer on the thread but still.

wetbehindtheears · 07/02/2015 22:16

"She came into the thread to say that there was no reason to think the man who did that to the OP wouldn't have done it to a man with long hair."

What was actually said:

"He may well have done the same to a male with long hair, for all we know."

and then:

"And that it wasn't a "sex based crime"

"I think posters are being confused with their perception of "sex based crime". It is not a sexually aggravated offence, and would not be treated as a sexual offence."

Sorry, Sardinequeen, I am completely understand and agree with your passion on this issue, but I think you are misrepresenting what Nicknacky actually said.

wetbehindtheears · 07/02/2015 22:17

She's talking about THE LAW!!! What is and isn't recognised IN LAW!!! Nothing else!!

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 22:17

Like I said upthread I have only reported property crimes to the police.

Well I did report a man wanking at me on the tube once actually now I come to think of it.

At the time I thought "he's doing that because I'm female" but I suspect that was a wild assumption I wasn't qualified to make.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 22:19

I do see more victims of violent crime. Why am I at fault for that??!

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 22:19

This:

"He may well have done the same to a male with long hair, for all we know"

Is disregarding the extreme likelihood of the man doing this to the OP because she was female.

If our police forces don't accept that men do shit to women because they are women then we are fucked aren't we.

And that's without even mentioning the other officer who told OP in no uncertain terms that this wasn't a crime and she shouldn't report it.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 22:20

I mean, more male victims.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 22:21

sardines you are conveniently ignoring the fact I would deal with a reported incident, regardless of gender. How is that disregarding the facts?

wetbehindtheears · 07/02/2015 22:22

Right, for the final fucking time sardinequeen - she is talking about what is recognised in law.

It's not about "our police forces don't accept that men do shit to women because they are women" I rather suspect the vast majority of police officers have a good idea of what men are capable of inflicting on women Hmm

It's about the fact that our LEGAL SYSTEM does not recognise male on female hate crime and, actually, there is no point criticising the police for that - they do not make the law that is not their role!

Good night.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 22:26

But why would you come onto a thread like this and

First say well no-one knows he did it because she was female and he might well have done it to a male too

And then say you deal with sex crimes so you know your shit and sex based crime doesn't exist (even after loads of people saying they were talking about a general concept not specific UK law)

And then say well I see far more male victims than female - what is that trying to tell people?

And at no point saying, OP that was a nasty experience. Or, that other police officer had it wrong. Or anything apart from there's no such thing as sexx based crime and anyway how do you know he did it because she's a woman.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 22:29

You realise that yours and the posts of the other officer when taken together look really bad, right?

But you don't care about that you just want to fight.

You know women don't report stuff that men do to them. Why not take opportunities like this to reassure and encourage? Rather than argue semantics, deny the existence of crime which is perpetrated because of sex etc.

One woman on here has read your posts and said it reinforces that she wouldn't report to the police. That's not good, is it? How do you think this should be addressed, for eg? That would be useful to hear.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 22:29

Im not going to disagree with the other police officer on the thread. We all have our own opinions and I haven't voiced mine as to if I think it should be reported.

And I do see more male victims of violent crime. I can't lie and say I don't and it certainly doesn't tell anyone anything.

We are in the uk, so I think it is better we discuss uk law rather than those that don't apply?

And no one knows why he did it, no one can read his mind.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 22:31

Why won't you disagree?

That poster told the OP that no crime had been committed. That's just incorrect, isn't it? If someone from my profession says something wrong I speak up! Why not speak up?

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 22:31

Cross post, when on earth have I suggest women shouldn't report crime?!

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 22:39

So no suggestions as to how to get women to report things men do to them, more.

And you won't disagree with a fellow officer even if he has given completely incorrect information about the law.

I give up, seriously. You win. Well done.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 22:40

Sorry he or she.

I have no idea of the sex of the other officer who was posting on this thread.