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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dickhead threatening to burn my hair!!

312 replies

ClockworkAngel · 07/02/2015 04:34

I have just got in from an otherwise good night out. Rarely I have a child free night so I went out with a good friend for her birthday.
I was having a brilliant time but she had invited some friends of hers. All of them are lovely but one. I disliked him from the start. He kept criticising me. For instance he kept calling me boring because I wasn't drinking alcohol but kept on and on all night about it, telling me I needed to 'cheer up and smile' and 'get a few more drinks down and loosen up'. Really fucking annoying.
Towards the end of the night, waiting for taxis, I ended up talking to an old friend I happened to bump into and as my back was turned, this guy took a lighter out his pocket and threatened the others he would burn my hair. He lit the lighter and held it up really close to my hair.
I couldn't get over what this guy had done but everyone else said I was overreacting and that it's 'only hair'. But that isn' t the point is it? If he had threatened to burn my skin everyone would be up in arms but why is it any different because it's my hair?
Am I overreacting? It happened over and hour ago and I'm still thinking about it. Do I need to get a grip?
I think my problem is that I just cannot get over how fucking thick some people can be. Doesn't take a genius to work out that burning someone's hair or whatever is potentially dangerous.
TIA

OP posts:
Mavericklovesgoose · 07/02/2015 22:42

Sardine, I was planning to leave this thread alone to be honest as I just seemed to be winding people up. I think you are being a little unfair here. I admitted I was wrong, and even suggested what offence it would likely fall under.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 22:44

Oh for god's sake.

Maverick it's OK the people reading your posts got where you were coming from, at the time.

Nicknacky also people understand where you are coming from.

You both win, I've got the message, plenty of others have too.

BiscuitMillionaire · 07/02/2015 22:46

Sardine: you are confusing 'sex' - meaning to do with whether the person is male or female - with 'sex' as in sexual intercourse. Nicknacky is saying that, in the eyes of THE LAW, which is what police officers are obliged to follow, this incident is not a sexual offence. Not talking about whether the person is male or female, but it is not an offence that has a sexual element. Beliefs about women's general experiences in life are not relevant to a discussion about whether it's worth reporting something to the police, whose job is to investigate crimes under the law. There are many things that we might consider WRONG, but they're not necessarily ILLEGAL. A law has not been passed against them.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 22:46

I would suggest any victim of crime reports it to the police, regardless of gender.

I have no idea what the threshold is for crime reporting is in England as I'm in a totally different area (Scotland) so the guys behaviour here would amount to a possible breach of the peace. I can't disagree with that officer as it's possibly difference offences here.

TheChandler · 07/02/2015 22:48

I actually think NickyNacky is being professional, as she is in some senses, representing (in an unofficial capacity) of course, the police. And I don't want a biased, emotional, judgmental police officer dealing with any crime committed against me.

Of the legal system in general, it is not set in stone - the changes to racially aggravated crimes are an example. It might be better, from an ethical viewpoint, if more people felt able to speak up against the massive amount of sexually motivated harassment and other crimes generally (although not exclusively) carried out against women on a regular basis. But that is not encouraged by "the system".

TheChandler · 07/02/2015 22:50

And I still think its an assault, even in Scotland, because it involved the threat of assault. Although I agree that it would most likely be prosecuted as a breach of the peace, because its much easier. But technically it is also an assault.

And I would like to see it reclassified in law as a sexually motivated assault, or possibly breach of the peace, in a similar way that racially aggravated crimes are treated.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 22:53

Thank you thechandler. I appreciate you saying it. I can't be emotional in my work, it's very much based on facts and evidence rather than opinion which obviously comes across in my postings. Some experiences I could post about and feel emotional (several spring to mind!) but I'm sitting in my house on a Saturday night!

I've contacted complainers from home, while my daughter is in another room. I won't do that again as I need to keep it separate.

Mavericklovesgoose · 07/02/2015 22:54

But thechandler, as far as I am aware, the threat needs to be made to her for it to be common assault. In the op, the threat was made to a third party

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 22:59

BiscuitMillionairre I am not confusing anything.

I have said throughout that the UK has a poor record dealing with sex-based crimes.

I have no opinion on whether the OP should report this or not, that's up to her. Personally I don't think they'll be interested, which chimes with Maverick's comments.

I find the explanation that someone who works in Scotland would not think that in England threatening to set someone's hair on fire and then holding a lighter next to their hair was a crime and so wouldn't want to disagree with an English colleague, rather lame.

At least one poster has said that the posts by the two police officers on this thread has confirmed their resolve not to report things to the police.

Which is a result as far as Maverick is concerned at least.

I find this so depressing the wilful misunderstanding.

And for the last time the thread was about whether the OP was over-reacting to feel upset not whether she should call the police. A few posters said that maybe she should and that was when the first police officer came on and said it wasn't a crime and it would be ridiculous to call them.

I get it really I do. Now you all be right and happy, and not worry yourselves about the effects of this type of stuff on the women reading many of whom earlier on were utterly baffled by the "police" response.

TheChandler · 07/02/2015 23:00

In Scotland, it simply requires to put the person in state of fear and alarm, no?

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 23:03

But hardly anyone would report this so it's academic isn't it.

Women don't report rape FGS this type of stuff is rarely told.

A large part of this is that people don't think the police will be interested and oh look.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 23:05

Scotland and England have different recording criteria. I cannot say what England's are so I'm not going to disagree with an English officer as I can't say.

The poster who said they wouldn't report anything wasn't responding to mine or Mavericks comments. They said they wouldn't anyway. I can't be blamed for hat as I confirmed I will investigate any offence I'm allocated!

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 23:06

sardine I'm getting exasperated now. Where the hell have I suggested victims of rape shouldn't report their offences? Nowhere.

Mavericklovesgoose · 07/02/2015 23:08

Wouldn't have a clue in Scotland I'm afraid.

Sardine, wilful misrepresentation is worse. In my opinion what was mentioned in the op is very minor. The police physically cannot record and investigate every public order offence which occurs. Its simply impossible.

I have said loud and clear that victims of sexual offences will get nothing but help from me. My default position is to believe them. The same for dv as it goes. This however, whilst unpleasant for the op, is not something (in my opinion) we need to put the man hours in when there are so few to deal. I'm sorry if people find that offensive.

TheChandler · 07/02/2015 23:09

I would certainly report it.

I once reported a workman who threatened to "kill me and put me in that skip" when I was about 19 or 20, after I took exception to his shouting crude sexual comments to me (the comments were really very bad, but I do think psychopaths should be reminded that every so often someone will take exception to their behaviour).

The police took it very seriously, and phoned back to say they had found him and warned him. There were no witnesses so even then I knew he would not be charged. But I still reported it.

Mavericklovesgoose · 07/02/2015 23:13

Please people, you may not like/trust the police or even believe a word I am saying. But take the opportunity to go for a ride along. Most forces do them. See how few officers there are, then decide if you would prefer them to investigate people feeling threatened (some time after the event) and investigate obnoxious and abusive behaviour or if you want them there when there when someone is putting your and your families lives in danger?

TheChandler · 07/02/2015 23:13

Maverick something sounds a bit off about you, I'm afraid to say.

The holding of a lighter, with a naked flame, clearly takes it out of the "very minor". However, as a claimed police officer, you would know that that is not your judgment to make. Not in a case of this nature.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 23:18

It depends what we are meaning by minor? Investigate by initial uninformed officers and reported to pf (cps) as a breach of the peace or common assault? Or referred to CID for further investigation?

In my experience it would be the former and yes, I would consider it minor in that respect. Anything referred to CID would be a potentially serious offence.

MilesHuntsWig · 07/02/2015 23:21

So....... OP, are you ok and convinced that you were completely reasonable to think he was completely out of order?

Mavericklovesgoose · 07/02/2015 23:21

Like I said, its just my opinion. I don't make judgement on any of the work allocated to me. I simply gather evidence and present it

mindthegap79 · 07/02/2015 23:21

A ride along sounds like a really interesting thing to do. Do all forces offer it? I think it'd be very valuable to gain a better understanding of the pressures and constraints police face.

OP I hope you're ok. YANBU at all. The guy was a massive twunt.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 23:23

My force don't offer ride alongs.

Mavericklovesgoose · 07/02/2015 23:25

No not all forces, but I know mine and the surrounding ones do.

Mavericklovesgoose · 07/02/2015 23:27

Or failing ride alongs, there's a twitter thread at the moment from Bullshire police (its a spoof police force account) they are anonymously retweeting officers who aren't allowed to tell it as it really is. Have a read of them to show what resourcing is like

mindthegap79 · 07/02/2015 23:34

I shall have a look Smile