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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dickhead threatening to burn my hair!!

312 replies

ClockworkAngel · 07/02/2015 04:34

I have just got in from an otherwise good night out. Rarely I have a child free night so I went out with a good friend for her birthday.
I was having a brilliant time but she had invited some friends of hers. All of them are lovely but one. I disliked him from the start. He kept criticising me. For instance he kept calling me boring because I wasn't drinking alcohol but kept on and on all night about it, telling me I needed to 'cheer up and smile' and 'get a few more drinks down and loosen up'. Really fucking annoying.
Towards the end of the night, waiting for taxis, I ended up talking to an old friend I happened to bump into and as my back was turned, this guy took a lighter out his pocket and threatened the others he would burn my hair. He lit the lighter and held it up really close to my hair.
I couldn't get over what this guy had done but everyone else said I was overreacting and that it's 'only hair'. But that isn' t the point is it? If he had threatened to burn my skin everyone would be up in arms but why is it any different because it's my hair?
Am I overreacting? It happened over and hour ago and I'm still thinking about it. Do I need to get a grip?
I think my problem is that I just cannot get over how fucking thick some people can be. Doesn't take a genius to work out that burning someone's hair or whatever is potentially dangerous.
TIA

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 21:24

I just checked official stats and it says women far more likely to be victims of sex offences.

Maybe it's something going on in your force / dept? Have you ever felt that it was unusual?

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 21:25

Who mentioned sexual crime? I said men are more at risk of violent crime generally. My department investigates serious crime, including that of sexual offences. Generally the majority, but not all, of our sexual investigations have female complainers but we investigate a number of difference offences. Overall, the majority of our complainers will be male.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 21:26

Sardine, you are focusing on sexual crime. I'm talking crime in general.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 21:27

Hold on are we at cross purposes? You said "I investigate sexual related crime for a living" and then also that you see more male victims than female. But then are you talking about violent crime across the board?

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 21:28

xposts

It was because you said "I investigate sexual related crime for a living" that sent me off the wrong way.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 21:30

I'm specially trained in sexual offences but I work within a general CID department therefore I deal with all kinds of offences that are reported. If a sexual offence is reported then I am redeployed to deal with that due to the nature of the offence.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 21:30

Do people who report crime really get called "complainers"? I've not heard that before either.

I'm learning a lot this evening.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 21:32

In my force they are complainers. Other forces may be different but that is how I will refer to them. I don't like "victim" and in particular we are discouraged from calling them that.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 21:34

I have heard complainant, I think. Complainer is a new one for me.

TheChandler · 07/02/2015 21:37

Complainer is standard terminology.

OfficerVanHalen · 07/02/2015 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 21:42

Well I never knew that!

It doesn't sound quite right to me but I'm not involved with police type work. If someone said to me someone was a "complainer" I'd be conjuring up an image of someone making a fuss about nothing!

That's beside the point though Smile

OfficerVanHalen · 07/02/2015 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 07/02/2015 21:45

I'm not entirely sure why you working with 'sexual related crime' for a living would guarantee that you understand what the term 'sex based crime' is referring to, Nicknacky, at least not after your repeated references to sex crimes and 'sexual related crime'. I'm not sure anyone has suggested the issue discussed in this thread comes under either of those.

wetbehindtheears · 07/02/2015 21:46

Maverick, are you aware of the National Crime Recording Standard? The onus is most definitely on the police to record any reported incident - not to tell people not to bother because they aren't going to do anything anyway Hmm

And have you considered that the threat coupled with the physical action of raising a lit flame to the OP's hair most probably meets the standard for a common assault? No actual physical contact is necessary to meet the standard for common assault - but if the victim perceives an immediate threat (which she did) than a summary offence of common assault can be recorded.

Nicknacky · 07/02/2015 21:50

Because we don't categories offences for "sex based". As in, the gender of the complainer. We do however, if the offence is sexually motivated.

The offence in question as per the op, is not sexually motivated. Ie, sexual assault, rape, for example.

TheChandler · 07/02/2015 21:55

The offence in question as per the op, is not sexually motivated. Ie, sexual assault, rape, for example.

Well, I'd phrase that slightly differently, and say current guidelines mean that it is not regarded as a sexually motivated action.

I think, in reality, anyone with any common sense, would admit that it is, as it arose out of the rejection of sexual advances, and appears to be strongly related to the aggressor's reaction to that. But I agree, current guidelines mean that if a woman is lucky enough to avoid sexual assault, rape, etc. then it will not be recorded as a sexually motivated offence.

But we do not take offences against women seriously enough in this country. In fact, in most countries. I suspect if we did, recording rates would go up and eventually actual crime rates would fall. Its working that way for racially motivated offences.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 21:56

The concept of "sex based crime" is not to do with UK definitions of criminality, but to do with global experience of women and girls getting all sorts of shit from men because they are female.

What happened to the OP would be recognised by most women as "sex based" - a man badgered her all night and wouldn't leave her alone and ended up threatening to burn her hair. There is a miniscule chance that he behaves that way to both men and women and most women will recognise this type of behaviour as they will have been on the receiving end of it more times than they care to remember.

That the police don't recognise the nature of this is kind of concerning to me.

wetbehindtheears · 07/02/2015 21:57

I think (and apologies if I have this wrong nickynacky) that nickynacky is trying to explain that, whilst in law there are offences that can be recorded as racially or religiously aggravated there is no basis to record a hate crime from a male perpetrator to a female victim in law.

And then was clarifying that the only 'sex-based' crimes the police can record are in fact sexual offences, and not 'gender-based'. The crime counting rules do not make specific provision for male on female hate crime.

YvetteChauvire · 07/02/2015 21:59

Wow. NickNacky and Maverick. Attitudes like yours are exactly why I continue to have no faith in the police.

wetbehindtheears · 07/02/2015 21:59

Sardinequeen - I'm with you 100% on your sentiment, I'm a feminist and I hate that we have to put up with this shit.

But I think to be fair to nickynacky they are just explaining the law, not how things should or shouldn't be recorded.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 22:01

Well yes that's all fair enough wetbehindtheears but is possibly a generous interpretation of nicknacky's posts!

She's being saying all along there is no such things as sex based crime and said that for her there was no reason to think that what happened to the OP had anything to do with the sexes of the people involved.

I just find that really, i don't know, odd? Because clearly women and girls get loads of shit all the time because of their sex and if the police don't "believe" that then that really leaves us up shit creek.

TheChandler · 07/02/2015 22:03

Well, the OP wrote this post at 4.30am after a night out. I think its really sad that in this supposedly modern day and age, she didn't feel able to report it immediately to the police. Threatening to burn someone's hair is pretty serious, after all. But its effectively watered down and I'm sure the friends of friends involved will be foremost in dissuading the OP to report it.

That said, I really hope she does report it, and insists it is taken seriously, because the next time he gets rejected, this man might just go a little bit further and seriously injure someone.

SardineQueen · 07/02/2015 22:03

xposts I don't know it feels generous to me. She has said all along that there is no such thing as sex based crime even after multiple people explaining that this is about systemic behaviour towards women by men and not to do with referencing UK law IYSWIM.

wetbehindtheears · 07/02/2015 22:04

I don't know, sardinequeen, IME police officers/police staff tend to be pretty matter of fact.

Yes it's emotive to us, of course it is, but they churn out crime reports for a living - it's all pretty black and white to them.