Dickhead threatening to burn my hair!!

[ClockworkAngel]

I have just got in from an otherwise good night out. Rarely I have a child free night so I went out with a good friend for her birthday.
I was having a brilliant time but she had invited some friends of hers. All of them are lovely but one. I disliked him from the start. He kept criticising me. For instance he kept calling me boring because I wasn't drinking alcohol but kept on and on all night about it, telling me I needed to 'cheer up and smile' and 'get a few more drinks down and loosen up'. Really fucking annoying.
Towards the end of the night, waiting for taxis, I ended up talking to an old friend I happened to bump into and as my back was turned, this guy took a lighter out his pocket and threatened the others he would burn my hair. He lit the lighter and held it up really close to my hair.
I couldn't get over what this guy had done but everyone else said I was overreacting and that it's 'only hair'. But that isn' t the point is it? If he had threatened to burn my skin everyone would be up in arms but why is it any different because it's my hair?
Am I overreacting? It happened over and hour ago and I'm still thinking about it. Do I need to get a grip?
I think my problem is that I just cannot get over how fucking thick some people can be. Doesn't take a genius to work out that burning someone's hair or whatever is potentially dangerous.
TIA

Yes gaslighting is exactly what it is. Telling us that this man wasn't doing what he did to the OP because she was a woman. Making us question our reality and experiences.

"He may well have done the same to a male with long hair, for all we know." Oh give over!

And no we aren't confused.

We can't assume he wouldn't have though.

And yes, reading this there does to be some crossed wires or confusion about "sex based crimes". There is no such thing as that. There is sexual related offences, but this isn't it.

Not really scallops. I genuinely was looking at sexual harassment as one would from a hr viewpoint ie it would have to be sexual in nature.

With regard to "sex based" I thought that meant from a legal view point. I didn't know it was a descriptive term. In that case yes I would agree. It was definitely because op was female he thought he could act like that.

I'm sorry for being a bit snippy on this. Its been a long week and most of the stuff I've dealt with at work has gone no where after a lot of effort has been put in.

OP, report it. I was just being unbelievably pessimistic about it all. It is unlikely to go no where but if it gives you piece of mind do so please report.

Sardine: I was being a dick and trying to points score. Sorry

Unlikely to go anywhere, ignore the double negative

I'm not doubting what you say is true Nicknacky. What we are saying is that this crime happened because the perp was a man and the OP was a woman. Just because it wouldn't be classed as such under law doesn't mean to say that isn't the case.

Sex based crimes are crimes committed against people because of their sex.

Globally there are a lot of them.

Just because UK police officers don't believe in them or something doesn't mean they don't exist.

Most women and girls know that crimes are committed against them because they are female, because it happens all the time. Why pretend otherwise.

So things like acid attacks in India, street harrassment globally, FGM. These are sex based crimes.

I am surprised that some people are unaware of this stuff.

Aeroflot There is absolutely no harm in speaking to the Police, either they will mirror what Maverick is saying, or will take it further. That's what the Police are there for! No wonder abusive men can get away with it, and women are afraid to report to Police.

At least when it is known by the police they can then either choose to fail the general public judging by Maverick's remarks, this is par for the course or do what the general public pays them to do.

I've no legal advice, but that is horrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you!

When I was 12 a boy in my class threatened to do that to my hair in science class. I never said anything because I got scared. I remained scared of him all throughout school.

I bumped into him at a party while I was pregnant and he came up to say hello and I ran. Literally. I told DH and we left.

It seemed like nothing to him and the other kids, but it's effected me.

Your friends were wrong to dismiss it. Very wrong.

Err, yes they do....

e.g. www.mirror.co.uk/sport/football/news/former-footballer-paul-mcgrath-arrested-2018759.

Not the same as OP but shouting/swearing nonetheless

a small group of men are aggressively posting on a women's forum attempting to silence a woman who has been targeted and threatened with bodily harm. Who benefits? BTW just because someone says he is a policeofficer does not mean it's true.

Which small group of men?

BTW i don't mean to confuse with the sex based thing. Just growing up as a girl, and knowing lots of other girls, men and boys do stuff to you because you are a girl. Some of it is "minor" and some is more serious but it's because you're female.

I would definitely classify a man going on at a woman all night and then threatening to set her hair on fire as sex based - although I can't see into his brain obviously - because the vast vast majority of the time when men do stuff like that they do it to women and it's because they're women. Not that it's a coincidence that this stuff mainly happens to women and the men would be just as likely to do it to another man. That's just not true is it.

FWIW there are lots of identifiers like this - and I've not seen anyone having such trouble when people reference eg "gang violence" or "football hooliganism" (very 80s one that!) but reference male on female violence esp daily stuff and all of a sudden people start getting all oh no you can't say that.

And most disturbingly the people who have said that today are police officers.

He's a twat OP. I was in school aged about 12/13 and a boy in the class cut a girls hair. He was the class funny man and very popular so we all just sat there mouth opened not really believing he went ahead with it.

I often think of her and wish to god I'd roared at him to stop. She ran to the heads office and the boy was kicked out of the school. He's still a twat now.

I'm sorry you had this guy up in your face last night and that he threatened you.

Total dick - I had a similar bloke (friend of a friend)splash his drink at me for notgiving him my number. It felt weirdly aggressive and threatening.
Tbh I think you should text your friend and say how you feel

sardine this isn't about fgm. From a police perspective, one sex assaulting another sex does not automatically make it an aggravating factor. That's what I'm attempting to say.

I'm well aware people are assaulted because of their sex and many men are subject to that also. But it doesn't make it any sort of "sex" crime.

I never said it was an aggravating factor.

I also never said that what happened to the OP was a sex crime.

What I said was that the police in the UK have a woeful record with dealing with sex based crime.

In the context of this thread I was referring to crime committed against women by men, which often includes a sexual element.

This is a fact. (Unfortunately). The police have a poor record with this.

I note that you have called into question whether the OPs / others interpretation of events was correct - that it was a creepy / horrible man being creepy and horrible to a woman because she was a woman. I also recall that you are a police officer (IIRC it was a while ago but I seem to remember your name from a thread about the states).

So, same old same old. Woman says man did something, gist is it was because they were a woman, police officer says you're reading things into this and you have no way of knowing what was going on.

The efforts to erase the everyday experience of women are mind-boggling aren't they.

The man hassled the OP all night and then threatened to set her hair on fire. Lots of posters said yes shit like that happens to women all the time men can be right arseholes can't they. Police officer comes on and says hold on you have no way of knowing that he might just as well have done the same to a man.

I mean FGS this really illustrates what women are up against doesn't it.

That's after a different police officer stating unequivocally that no crime was committed.

Thinking about it

Is this why so many people think women are "asking for it"?

Because in their view there is no such thing as sex based crime, and so the fact this stuff happens to women so much more than men must be because women are "inviting" it in some way?

Never thought of it before but that kind of makes sense...

sardine apologies, is your post referring to myself? If so where did I call into question the op's version of events? I haven't referred to it at all.

But I think we are going off track discussing police response to sex crime as this isn't one.

I do think you are taking a leap in what you are assuming about police officers......

I would probably suggest most of my victims are actually male. I don't think anyone "asks for it".

Well you said that for all any of us knew, the man was just as likely to have done what he did to OP, to a man.

Which in one individual case is true I guess.

But in the context of what women and girls know about their actual lives is not likely to be true at all.

The man pestered her all night and threatened to set her hair on fire. Lots of people said yeah men do shit like this to women. You said "He may well have done the same to a male with long hair, for all we know." which kind of erases the entire life experiences of women and girls all over the place. Experiences of being harrassed and threatened because they are female. And we know it's because we're female. But you say no no you can't say that you don't know that. It's just. Not right. To say that women and girls must pretend that being harrassed and threatened in some kind of equal ops process. Rather than a sex based thing.

I just find it really depressing that here we have a woman who has been badgered all night by a man who then threatened to set her hair alight and waved a lit lighter at her hair.

We have 2 police officers.

One says what he did is not a crime (even though it is, and that poster acknowledged that but not quickly by any means and FGS as a police officer surely mistakes like that shouldn't happen!)

And the other says well yes this happened but in no way can you say that it was because she was a woman and he a man, it's not right to say that, and anyway most crime victims that I come across are male (um and?)

But the point is, he may have. The police would treat any complaint the same regardless of the gender of the complainer. I think on mumsnet we can get distracted by the feminist issue but the police will deal with an incident on it's merits, not the sex of the participants.

The police won't deal with it at all according to your police colleague.

And I'm not talking about the police anyway I'm talking about the fact that a man did this to a woman, and lots of people say yeah shit like that has happened to me, as a woman, done by a man, and then we have you perking up and saying well hold on you can't say that you can't see into his mind.

Must women really go around pretending that all the shit they get from men is nothing to do with the fact that they are female? It's a ludicrous position to take.