Dickhead threatening to burn my hair!!

[ClockworkAngel]

I have just got in from an otherwise good night out. Rarely I have a child free night so I went out with a good friend for her birthday.
I was having a brilliant time but she had invited some friends of hers. All of them are lovely but one. I disliked him from the start. He kept criticising me. For instance he kept calling me boring because I wasn't drinking alcohol but kept on and on all night about it, telling me I needed to 'cheer up and smile' and 'get a few more drinks down and loosen up'. Really fucking annoying.
Towards the end of the night, waiting for taxis, I ended up talking to an old friend I happened to bump into and as my back was turned, this guy took a lighter out his pocket and threatened the others he would burn my hair. He lit the lighter and held it up really close to my hair.
I couldn't get over what this guy had done but everyone else said I was overreacting and that it's 'only hair'. But that isn' t the point is it? If he had threatened to burn my skin everyone would be up in arms but why is it any different because it's my hair?
Am I overreacting? It happened over and hour ago and I'm still thinking about it. Do I need to get a grip?
I think my problem is that I just cannot get over how fucking thick some people can be. Doesn't take a genius to work out that burning someone's hair or whatever is potentially dangerous.
TIA

I agree Katie, criminals are laughing, they can get away with it.

The fact that the police force is over stretched is no reason at all not to report a threatening incident that could easily have ended up as ABH.

As a serving police officer you would have a duty to investigate such a report if one was made to you, so down playing it as just a public order offence is highly unprofessional. Especially if there is a likelihood of escalation. And it is very dismissive to the OP.

The necessity of reporting a threat which was immediately followed by action that just stopped short of ABH is totally unrelated to the fact the police force is understaffed and it is highly disappointing to read of a police officer dismissing such an incident as somehow unworthy of investigation. It is not unforeseable that this pollock will behave like this again only this time he will injure another victim. Nobody should ever be subjected to this sort of casual violence nor should they be dissuaded from reporting it to the police.

Yes the guy is a complete dick but seriously he's being accused of being a rapist?

No, he's not being accused of being a rapist, he's bring accused of exhibiting behaviors that are very clear warning signs for rapists, such as not being comfortable with accepting women's stated boundaries and threatening women who don't behave in a way that suits him.

If you come across a man who does this stuff, basically listen to your instincts and stay as far away as you can. Permanently.

Ah

Police officer on internet forum tells woman not to report a threat of violence made to her by a man

Quelle surprise.

IMO it would be great if people were encouraged to report everything, it all got recorded on a big database as then it would start spitting out the names of serial / worsening offenders and as there were multiple victims conviction would be more likely.

As it is the police say to women nah don't bother us with this shit you need to put up with it that's life.

And then we wonder why violence against women is epidemic

OP he was bang out of order + scary and your friends sound like knobs. Although TBF I've had the same reaction from friends when I was sexually assaulted in a pub once the social desire to minimse this sort of stuff is very strong. Doesn't help when the police tell you to put up and shut up either really as that sets the tone doesn't it.

Honestly this is ridiculous. You can not expect the police to take seriously what MIGHT have happened. Someone earlier on referred to bullying. Bullying is unpleasant. The police are not there to make sure people don't experience unpleasant things. They are not there to make sure bullying doesn't happen.

You need to evaluate things realistically and practically. Saying he MIGHT go on to set a woman on fire is ridiculous- anyone can see that is an extremely rare event and extremely unlikely to happen. Someone barged me today. Next time they might stab someone. Better tell the police.

There is also this falsehood pedalled on Mn that you can somehow get a record made that may help the police in future, or a mark made against someone. This isn't the case.

I see this so often on MN.

Police officers on MN telling women not to report stuff that has happened.

It's indicative of the whole problem with the police attitude to women reporting sex related violent crime isn't it? We're not interested - piss off.

Personally I think that absolutely the police should be taking details and matching up - this type of activity would have stopped people like warboys and huntley. The idea that this is not something the police should be doing baffles me. Sex offenders are known to escalate. We should be encouraging women who are assaulted / threatened with assault to tell the police and then linking the names. But instead women are told not to report (not just this incident thinking about much more serious things as well). The whole thing stinks IMO.

MN in now way represents the public in terms of it's over reliance in reporting things to the police. It's akin to telling someone to go to A&E with a sore throat. You are not on some crusade to change the polices attitude you just don't understand how to use them properly (that's the universal you, not a specific poster)

There is absolutely no harm in speaking to the Police, either they will mirror what Maverick is saying, or will take it further. That's what the Police are there for! No wonder abusive men can get away with it, and women are afraid to report to Police.

Over-reliance on the police?

They'd tell her to piss off I expect.

Unless of course they have had a bunch of other reports about this particular man and this adds to the weight of we'd better keep an eye on him.

Or even then, probably get filed in the bin.

Everybody knows the police do fuck all when women report stuff to them to do with sexually motivated stuff. They are trying to change that though, internally. And here on the net time and time again we get, I'm a police officer, DO NOT report this incident to the police.

It's extremely discouraging.

Elton - you seem to be wilfully ignoring the fact that this prick made a threat of setting her hair on fire and then held a naked flame close to her hair.

It is more that a threat, it is more than "what might happen". It could be reckless endangerment. It was fucking dangerous and yes, that is exactly what the police are there for - to stop wankers like that not only threatening women but deliberately carrying out actions designed to intimidate them and that may also seriously injure them.

It is patently ridiculous to equate someone behaving in this deliberately intimidating and threatening manner to being barged into. On your logic, all those "red flags" that are raised in child protection issues should be ignored as well.

The argument that people should put up with intimidation and harassment because nothing actually happened belongs in the dark ages.

I'm not willfully ignoring it at all. I read the OP, I can see exactly what did and didn't happen

IMO it would be great if people were encouraged to report everything, it all got recorded on a big database as then it would start spitting out the names of serial / worsening offenders and as there were multiple victims conviction would be more likely.

Thats so naive.

Naive? Well yes it's naive to think that would happen any time soon but it would be great wouldn't it?

People like Saville and Huntley and Warboys would have been caught much much earlier and obviously if you have a few victims who are not related to each other it's easier to secure a conviction.

When you say naive do you mean it's a bad idea or so you mean it's a good idea but would never happen?

So you read a theat followed by action designed to intimidate and harass and which carried a high degree of injury, Elton.

Which you dismiss as nothing".

Suddenly I realise why so many crimes go unreported.

You can't possibly say saville Huntley warboys would've been caught sooner some of those men had actual criminal accusations (that had happened) reported against them and nothing was done. But sure, a database full of drunken dickhead comments from across the country would've nailed them.

What a load of absolute bollocks you are all spouting!! If she had experienced an assault (sexual or otherwise) absolutely report. Even with no evidence. Report- police would try and find evidence. As it is she wasn't assaulted. Her gender also has fuck all to do with it. If she was a man my response would be the same. This is not something worth reporting as its a public order offence- how is it sexually motivated?

Which you read as a crime Katie? Interesting. I certainly didn't say nothing; unpleasant and upsetting. Not something you need the police involved in. Big difference.

Yes of course they would!

If the police had taken seriously the complaints made against them, instead of sending victims away
If the complaints had been recorded on a national database and linked up
There would have been an opportunity to ACT

Brilliant. Result might well have happened sooner especially with Saville (well and the police not being corrupt) and Warboys and as for Huntley he had a string of allegations against him on underage girls it was said at the time that if they had been taken seriously / connected he could have been stopped.

What's not to like?

Women reporting offences to the police apparently.

Well GOOD NEWS they generally don't.

So Police Officer Maverick, if I am on the train tomorrow, and the man sitting opposite me says "I'm going to set her hair on fire" and holds a lighter towards the hair of the woman next to him, that is not a police matter. It's not a crime in any way and should not be reported to anyone. If anyone says "surely we should call the police" then I should say NO nothing to see here no problem.

Right?

What about if it's my daughter? I'm out with my 7yo daughter on the high street and a man comes up and says I'm going to set her hair on fire and holds a lighter next to her head. Same response?

I agree with you with regard to sex offences sardine, but with this is a completely different scenario.

Should the police make a database of everyone who shouts abuse/threatens on a Friday night? Just in case they go further next time? Its completely unworkable

We'll yeah, till he does set a woman's hair alight possibly leaving her scarred for life or dead, but who could predicted that?

He threatened to set her hair on fire and lit a lighter and held it next to her head.

If the wind had caught it (as I have seen happen) it would have gone up ditto if she had hairspray on.

I have had men on the bus threaten to burn me with cigarettes and then drop them down the back of the seat when I was a schoolgirl.

I have also had a boy whisper in my ear that he was going to rape me on the bus.

I thought threats of violence were illegal TBH.

Turns out they aren't.

When you say naive do you mean it's a bad idea or so you mean it's a good idea but would never happen?

Because you said report everything.

Where do you draw the line?

I was bumped in a bar and knocked into the person behind me who spilt part of her drink. She threatened to punch me and then left the bar 5 minutes later. I never saw her again that night.

Would you report that?

And god forbid women tell people about any of the shit men do to them.

Good news is when they do try to the police generally tell them to fuck off.

And then it's all "how did that happen" when serial offenders are left to get on with it for years

What a load of shit.

Probably going to cross post here, but it would be the same scenario. A public order offence (might be a bit another on the train as there's different offences there and I'm not btp) also if she was a stranger the threshold for prosecution would probably be different.