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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dickhead threatening to burn my hair!!

312 replies

ClockworkAngel · 07/02/2015 04:34

I have just got in from an otherwise good night out. Rarely I have a child free night so I went out with a good friend for her birthday.
I was having a brilliant time but she had invited some friends of hers. All of them are lovely but one. I disliked him from the start. He kept criticising me. For instance he kept calling me boring because I wasn't drinking alcohol but kept on and on all night about it, telling me I needed to 'cheer up and smile' and 'get a few more drinks down and loosen up'. Really fucking annoying.
Towards the end of the night, waiting for taxis, I ended up talking to an old friend I happened to bump into and as my back was turned, this guy took a lighter out his pocket and threatened the others he would burn my hair. He lit the lighter and held it up really close to my hair.
I couldn't get over what this guy had done but everyone else said I was overreacting and that it's 'only hair'. But that isn' t the point is it? If he had threatened to burn my skin everyone would be up in arms but why is it any different because it's my hair?
Am I overreacting? It happened over and hour ago and I'm still thinking about it. Do I need to get a grip?
I think my problem is that I just cannot get over how fucking thick some people can be. Doesn't take a genius to work out that burning someone's hair or whatever is potentially dangerous.
TIA

OP posts:
Mavericklovesgoose · 07/02/2015 11:26

She COULD have been set on fire, but she wasn't. The fact that she could doesn't make it any more of a police matter!

toothlessoldhag · 07/02/2015 11:37

Maverick are you a policewoman or criminal lawyer? If not, surely it's best that the OP gets advice from someone who is to see if this is an offence? EltonJohnsflorist I disagree. This is exactly what the police service and CPS are there for: to judge whether this a prosecutable offence. If it isn't, the OP will be advised accordingly.

Eltonjohnsflorist · 07/02/2015 11:39

You're allowed to disagree Wink it's just a good thing there are a mix of people in the world because if they were all of your view the police and CPS would be absolutely fucked.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 07/02/2015 11:41

Isn't he a big hard brave courageous man picking on a women. He'd run for cover if a man stood up and challenged....
As previously pointed out report the incident so at least they have it on record, and while you're at it find new friends who treat you properly
How are you now

magoria · 07/02/2015 11:44

I would contact the police. He may have done it before he may do it again. Going unchallenged with mates saying it is just hair may lead him to do worse.

OP clearly was not interested in him or drinking. What if the next person not interested is drunk and he takes advantage or staggers when he holds a lighter close to her and threatens to set her on fire.

He is at best a malicious little twat. At worst a nasty person who is being allowed to get away with being a twat towards women.

How do you as a generally weaker female handle a generally stronger male who threatens you without endangering yourself? You use the services provided by the police.

If more people reported these smaller things and they were dealt with perhaps people would learn they can't go around being like this.

Or perhaps as this bloke and his friends (sorry OP but they are no friends of you) think OP just has no sense of humour.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/02/2015 11:45

Exactly, Maverick are you working for the Police force or a lawyer? There is nothing wrong with op speaking to the Police and seeing what they say. He threatened to set op hair alight, and actually lit the lighter near her hair. He did not place an unlit lighter near her hair did he Hmm.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/02/2015 11:46

Op has every right to talk to the Police, it is up to them, not us on how they proceed.

tiredvommachine · 07/02/2015 11:53

There's a good S4A Public order offence been committed.
I'd report it

paddlenorapaddle · 07/02/2015 11:57

you need new friends the mans a twat and he's probably not used to being rejected

AngelNanny · 07/02/2015 12:01

Someone did this to me a few years ago and I went to the police and the person was given a caution so the police most certainly do take it seriously.

TinkerbellaPan · 07/02/2015 12:04

I used to read a lot of long hair forums and as you can imagine stories of someone's hair being chopped off by a stranger/boyfriend/weirdo were hotly discussed. There were a few cases that went to court and it was deemed ABH as a person's hair is so personal to them and a part of their personality.

I do think chopping off someone's hair is ABH if it is done to the point where the person's style is damaged, and setting hair on fire is on the same level, even before you take into account the likelihood of burns elsewhere on your body.

I don't know if threatening ABH is a crime, but you'd hope it is!

It does sound like he never learnt how to chat up a woman properly though, and this was his idea of flirting!

I agree with a pp that you should tell your friend you don't want to go on nights out with him anymore as he clearly doesn't stick up for you.

KatieKaye · 07/02/2015 12:05

he held a lit lighter near her hair after threatening to set it on fire.
threat followed by action having previously specified intent to harm with foreseeable consequences of severe injury/death.

Eltonjohnsflorist · 07/02/2015 12:19

Of course OP has the right to speak to the police. Being persuaded into doing so on a Internet forum isn't quite the same as her exercising her right though Hmm

Aeroflotgirl · 07/02/2015 12:34

Imagine this was a partner who had done this! Yes I would encourage the op to speak to the Police about it, and see what they say. He could we'll have a criminal record or history of violence.

Mavericklovesgoose · 07/02/2015 13:37

Whether he has a record of violence is immaterial. Previous convictions bear no relation to prosecution, only sentencing. And it would be a public order investigation at most. If everyone reported public order offences the police would grind to a halt.

ApocalypseThen · 07/02/2015 13:44

Yeah and if choads stopped holding lighters at people's hair and threatening them they'd have lots more time for other things. No wonder men know they can go around threatening and assaulting women.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/02/2015 13:48

Well Maverick she should go to the Police and let THEM decide not you! Are you a Police Officer?

morethanpotatoprints · 07/02/2015 13:50

I'd change my friends if I were you, what a shower of shit they are.
A true friend would have stood up for you and helped to deck him
YANBU Thanks

Mavericklovesgoose · 07/02/2015 13:50

I am as it goes

Aeroflotgirl · 07/02/2015 13:53

Police deal with crime prevention, does op have to wait until she is a human fireball Hmm. What if he does tgat to another woman, and actually harms her!

Aeroflotgirl · 07/02/2015 13:54

Well, there is no harm with op talking to the Police about it, and letting them see how they proceed.

Mavericklovesgoose · 07/02/2015 13:55

To put it in perspective, someone I follow on twitter wrote just last night "330000 people, 150 miles and only 4 of us on duty" Tell me how something like this (whilst horrible and shit) is an appropriate use of police time? Especially given the likelihood of it going anywhere

KatieKaye · 07/02/2015 14:08

AS you are aware, Maverick, the police decide what sort of offence to charge people with, but it is the CPS who decide whether or not to prosecute.

this git might go on to actually set another young woman on fire. escalating behaviour is fairly common. Reporting his intention and action that stopped short of actually putting the lighter to her hair is the sensible thing to do, both for her protection and for others.

the fact that the police force is overstretched is no reason for a serving police officer to actively discourage members of the public from reporting what you consider to be public order offences in the manner above. While you might not feel it is "appropriate use of police time" to report threatening behaviour and an action that carried a high risk of permanent disfigurement and possibly death, it is certainly not inappropriate behaviour.

MightyMightyToros · 07/02/2015 14:14

I agree with Elton. Police would be a total overreaction.

Yes the guy is a complete dick but seriously he's being accused of being a rapist?

I'm really Hmm at the amount of people saying go tell a man to sort it out. Yes OP run along and find a man to solve this issue, us silly weak women can't protect ourselves without one.

Mavericklovesgoose · 07/02/2015 14:22

The fact that the police force is overstretched is the EXACT reason that I'm saying reporting to the police is not necessary. It is a public order offence. With the best will in the world, the cps would go no where near that as described in the op.

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