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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no actually she can't come!

246 replies

Everythingwillbeok · 06/02/2015 14:03

My DD is lucky enough to live on a nice little street with two other girls of the same age who are also in her class.

Nice she has friends to play with at weekends ect.But for the last 3/4 months ect is been so hard not upsetting any of the girls or their mums. I'm getting a bit tired of always making sure nobody is left out.

In December I took one of the girls lets call her Olivia to the cinema to watch Paddington along with my DD.It was a bit of a treat and the other girl,lets call her Fern was going to see it that afternoon anyway with her cousin. So I offered to take Olivia as I knew she'd be on her own all day as her own mum doesn't do anything with them at weekends.( not meaning to sound like a cow) but by her own admission can't be arsed taking her kids anywhere as she'd rather chill in her PJs.

All good only Fern saw us leave and came running out saying are you playing out? Er no we are on our way out sorry love but they'll be around later. Ok she said and ran back home.

That night I got a text saying hope you enjoyed the film I thought I was really good pity we couldn't have all gone together as Fern was upset she only had her cousin for company.I replied oh right well I knew you'd made plans and I didn't want to interfere.

About 3 times since then my DD has called for each of them and been told they've gone to McDonalds/ the park/ to walk the dog together so she's come back home and I've said nevermind we were out when they left or perhaps they wanted to go alone. She hasn't batted an eyelid as sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Olivia goes to her dads every Sunday at 12:30 without fail. DP said last night seeing as its so dry and sunny lets take DD to the farm on Sunday we can get some eggs and she can see the animals ect, then go for a drink at the pub on the way back.

So I said DD could pick a friend .Olivia's at her dads on Sunday so she won't be on her own she'll have something to do so ill ask Fern if she's free.

Ok yeah fine. So it's arranged but I've had a text off Olivia's mum half an hour ago saying just picked Olivia up from school to go dentist and she's in the car crying as your DD and Fern were talking about going out on Sunday and she's overheard, she's kicking off in the car saying she's not going to her dads and I can't force her to go so would you mind if she tags along with you?

I'm gobsmacked...I feel like I can't say no but why is there constant pandering? I'd say no sorry love can't let your dad down its the only dad he sees you. We can go there next week.

There's room in the car but it's the expense of taking another one and also the fact she's not really been invited.

Sorry it's long didn't want to drip feed.

They are 9 by the way not toddlers.

Just feel a bit resentful we can never just go out without considering what these other two are up to and if we are going to offend anyone.

OP posts:
wouldliketoknow2 · 07/02/2015 22:49

Reminds me of Dumbledore not being told about the change in timing of Harry's trial in The Order of the Phoenix but turning up 3 hours early in case. I do love Dumbledore - sigh

lougle · 07/02/2015 23:01

It's not Olivia's fault either, though. She's been set up by her mother just as much as the OP has.

So I don't think plans that cunningly ditch Olivia by stealth are fair. If you're not going to take her, she needs to know and understand that it's nothing personal.

ChameleonCircuit · 08/02/2015 00:26

I agree with the posters who say you should text the mother (or even ring her, what with texts not getting through) and say it was unacceptable for her set you up like that, you won't be taking Olivia and she can explain to her why. I cannot believe the cheek of the woman, and the poor dad, being sidelined at the drop of a hat!

icelollycraving · 08/02/2015 07:06

I do understand you giving in. I am pretty sure I'd have done the same.
Try to enjoy the day but I would tell the other mums you think your dd accepts the girls have play dates & you don't want to feel it has to be all on a day out when you are paying arranging it.
Tell them you're happy for them to play together at home. You don't want your dd to be ostracised.
On a different note,which mum is the lazy one?

Tinkerball · 08/02/2015 07:18

You do know you are not setting a good example for your DD don't you?

CharityD · 08/02/2015 07:44

The other mother manipulated the situation by bringing along the child who then played the required part, by weeping and wailing. I would give the other mother a call this morning (as she may well pretend again that she isn't receiving texts) and tell her the child will need money to cover the entrance fee and food or whatever. Specify the amount, and I'd include in the calculations beforehand, the tram fare now incurred.
Don't become the unpaid childminder, on top of everything else.

I wouldn't cancel at this stage, I'd consider it a lesson learned, and try to ensure that I was never put in that situation again. Some people just are users, and once you realise that, and stop expecting anything else (i.e. nice / generous behaviour) from them, it becomes a bit easier to deal with them.

MrsGeorgeMichael · 08/02/2015 07:47

cancel, cancel, cancel!

SoupDragon · 08/02/2015 07:49

The OP may be a soft touch or mug but at least she isn't a bitch.

IDontDoIroning · 08/02/2015 07:51

I would cancel with no explanation - "something's come up abd farm trip is now not possible"

Then later go out with your dd and think very carefully about your relationship with this woman and your dd's relationship with the child.

ohtheholidays · 08/02/2015 07:55

Text her now and say oldest DD isn't feeling great so we'll be bringing her home with us,sorry.

And next time don't let her play you like that.I know it's awkward but that's why she's done it,to be awkward so she gets her own way.The mother sounds and acts like a spoiled brat it's about time she got pulled up on her behavior.

SquinkiesRule · 08/02/2015 08:38

I'd just take them all and when dropping of Olivia home make sure to say in an annoyed tone, "don't EVER put me in that position again I do not appreciate it" then turn and walk away. She'll huh huh and stutter a bit, but if she asks, later say you know what you did you manipulated the situation and I don't like it. then drop it and don't listen to any more excuses and tell her I'm not interested in any more excuses.

Rosieliveson · 08/02/2015 09:01

Cheeky mare! Not helpful I know but maybe ask her for the entrance fee and money for snacks when you pick her daughter up. At least then your not financing the extra friend.

Scrounger · 08/02/2015 09:44

I'd do what CarityD suggests, nothing overt that could backfire on my daughter but I would never let myself be put in that position again. I wouldn't influence who my daughter was friends with apart from making sure that she has opportunities to make other friends. In a few years you will rarely be involved in what they do. I would have caved in your position but no one has ever tried as most people are reasonable and don't take the piss.

TrendStopper · 08/02/2015 09:46

This is why I prefer taking my dd out by herself. I couldn't be bothered with the hassle.

LumpenproletariatAndProud · 08/02/2015 11:43

I wasnt going to post on this thread because my opinion on this is very much against the grain, but fuck it.

OP, you are a nice, normal human being from what you have posted.
And I don't believe anyone on here who would have really and truly have text back "No." Or the other blunt replies.

They say they would, because its easy to be all hard and bravado when its not them and its woes being typed out, telling someone else in that position.

I also refuse to believe that many people on here would have really and truly refused a mother, in front of her happy hopeful daughter in the middle of the play ground.

They say they would, and they imagine they would in the unfamiliar playground they are imagining and the stranger they are picturing they are talking to.

But if it was their child, in their school ground with their goods friends mum being cocky then I really think it would be a different matter.

Not only that, but you need to keep the peace to a certain extent because not only do you live on the same street and they go to the same school, your daughter spends every day in class with them.

A fall out could have painful consequences for you and your daughter.

So, I think all things considered, you did fine to take the brat the kid this time, but because the mother is a cheeky arse hole you know now things need to be done differently in future so she doesn't even have the chance to elbow her daughters way in.

I know people will read this and INSIST they would have refused, but I call bullshit on nearly all of them.

IKnewYou · 08/02/2015 12:02

LumpenProl sorry, but you are wrong because I wouldn't have agreed. I would have been very polite about it though. I can't stand the feeling of being taken advantage of and I would rather suffer a bit of awkwardness or embarrassment than putting myself in a position where I'm doing something I don't want to.

I wouldn't dream of being as rude or confrontational as some MN'ers claim to be but Im happy to say no when I want to.

FriteFuaite · 08/02/2015 12:10

Lumpen, I agree with everything you've said!! In theory it's all, ooh yes, I'd tell her straight,me, I'd tell her to get to fuck and damn the consequences... but in reality it's a whole different kettle of fish.

I feel sorry for the Dad, though Sad

KindleFancy · 08/02/2015 12:17

I know people will read this and INSIST they would have refused, but I call bullshit on nearly all of them

I completely agree Lumpen.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 08/02/2015 12:23

I can understand being put on the spot.

This wasn't brought up at a play date. A mum made sure her daughter was included in an invitation for a third time ( original text, ignoring op's message and calling over specifically to bring it up - who does that!). This mum invited her daughter to tag along to someone else's event three times. This mother hasn't invited op's dd to a day out but has taken the other girl in the trio.

In those circumstances, I absolutely would say not this time. Like others, I'd be polite but under no circumstances would I be taking three girls out today.

OhMittens · 08/02/2015 12:24

Maybe it's already been said, but this will be Olivia's mum wanting Olivia out of the house and out of her hair, if Olivia was a bit miffed but still fine she'll have exaggerated it so she can get her pyjama day (from what you have said).

It's not so much that you are standing up to OLIVIA but that you are standing up to Olivia's MUM here. She is taking the mickey (but only if you'll let her).

NorwaySpruce · 08/02/2015 12:28

But Lumpen, I really think that most people would never find themselves in the OP's position, because at the first sign of the manipulative behaviour of the other girls/mothers, people would have distanced themselves.

I can't think of anyone who'd try to pull that stuff with me, because I'd look at them as though they'd lost their minds. There wouldn't be any need for rudeness, I'd just laugh and say 'no, really guys, it's just not possible this time'. And then distance myself from them.

And I certainly wouldn't be encouraging my child to spend time with them.
There are perfectly nice, ordinary , non game-playing people out there, and those are the people most others would count as friends.

Not random neighbours with no sense of fair play, who allow their children to exclude mine when it suits them.

I honestly can't understand why they are anything more than faces at the school gate, as the OP knows what they are like.

But then there's a reason I don't make any effort to treat my neighbours as friends, especially if I know them through work or school Grin. I like a quiet life.

ovenchips · 08/02/2015 12:30

I think SSD has it really.

You've applied 'normal' rules of etiquette to someone who absolutely doesn't play by those rules. So you get taken advantage of.

I think for these type of people you can't use polite 'excuses' to not do something, such as 'there's no room in the car'. You have to set a v firm non-negotiable boundary. And keep repeating it!

It's your call what you want to do now that has become apparent. You could cancel the outing, you can go ahead with it through gritted teeth and learn for next time.

It's such a pain when you have to deal with these sort of people. Good luck with sorting it out and hope it doesn't spoil your weekend.

AmarettoSour · 08/02/2015 12:33

Lumpen if you really think most people would just meekly accept Olivia's mum's behaviour then you must be a mug as well.

SnowBells · 08/02/2015 12:40

Lumpen

I think people would not do this to me. They would be wise not to. Hmm In fact, I just would have distanced myself and my child from that other mum and her child. There are so many kids in this world with parents who are normal, well-adjusted human beings. Why should my child be friends with THAT particular child?

To be honest, if I was the OP and that mum stood in front of my door, I would have said "Well, you really want your daughter to go there! Sorry, change of plans, we have cancelled the outing, but would you mind taking them all if you are so keen?"

That should out her for the lazy a*se she is.

Stealthpolarbear · 08/02/2015 12:49

Snow why would they be wise not to
Lumpen I agree

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