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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no actually she can't come!

246 replies

Everythingwillbeok · 06/02/2015 14:03

My DD is lucky enough to live on a nice little street with two other girls of the same age who are also in her class.

Nice she has friends to play with at weekends ect.But for the last 3/4 months ect is been so hard not upsetting any of the girls or their mums. I'm getting a bit tired of always making sure nobody is left out.

In December I took one of the girls lets call her Olivia to the cinema to watch Paddington along with my DD.It was a bit of a treat and the other girl,lets call her Fern was going to see it that afternoon anyway with her cousin. So I offered to take Olivia as I knew she'd be on her own all day as her own mum doesn't do anything with them at weekends.( not meaning to sound like a cow) but by her own admission can't be arsed taking her kids anywhere as she'd rather chill in her PJs.

All good only Fern saw us leave and came running out saying are you playing out? Er no we are on our way out sorry love but they'll be around later. Ok she said and ran back home.

That night I got a text saying hope you enjoyed the film I thought I was really good pity we couldn't have all gone together as Fern was upset she only had her cousin for company.I replied oh right well I knew you'd made plans and I didn't want to interfere.

About 3 times since then my DD has called for each of them and been told they've gone to McDonalds/ the park/ to walk the dog together so she's come back home and I've said nevermind we were out when they left or perhaps they wanted to go alone. She hasn't batted an eyelid as sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Olivia goes to her dads every Sunday at 12:30 without fail. DP said last night seeing as its so dry and sunny lets take DD to the farm on Sunday we can get some eggs and she can see the animals ect, then go for a drink at the pub on the way back.

So I said DD could pick a friend .Olivia's at her dads on Sunday so she won't be on her own she'll have something to do so ill ask Fern if she's free.

Ok yeah fine. So it's arranged but I've had a text off Olivia's mum half an hour ago saying just picked Olivia up from school to go dentist and she's in the car crying as your DD and Fern were talking about going out on Sunday and she's overheard, she's kicking off in the car saying she's not going to her dads and I can't force her to go so would you mind if she tags along with you?

I'm gobsmacked...I feel like I can't say no but why is there constant pandering? I'd say no sorry love can't let your dad down its the only dad he sees you. We can go there next week.

There's room in the car but it's the expense of taking another one and also the fact she's not really been invited.

Sorry it's long didn't want to drip feed.

They are 9 by the way not toddlers.

Just feel a bit resentful we can never just go out without considering what these other two are up to and if we are going to offend anyone.

OP posts:
CarbeDiem · 07/02/2015 19:59

I can also see why you caved - what a bitch that mum is to put you in that situation.

In your shoes I'd now go ahead with the plans and speak to all the girls together about not being able to do things in a group of 3 - just like sometimes your dd doesn't go with them, there'll be times when only one of them can join you etc...
At the first available opportunity I'd go and see the mother and tell her she was out of order and it won't be happening again.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 07/02/2015 20:00

Do not take Olivia. Text the mum now to say she can't come. Take Fern and your daughter half an hour early. If Olivia turns up, tell her she can't come and her mum needs to get a new phone if her messages aren't going through.

ClaudetteWyms · 07/02/2015 20:01

I would actually use this as your opportunity to raise the situation with both sets of parents "apologies for late notice but I'm going to have to cancel tomorrow. I'm feeling pressured to include both children in our plans I don't have the money or space in the car to accomodate this".

^^I think wetbehindtheears had it with this upthread.

bette06 · 07/02/2015 20:07

Does Olivia's mother have a car? If so, you could say that you haven't got room in your car but why doesn't she bring Olivia along herself in her car. That way she can pay for her own child and not be able to just palm her off on you for a day.

ssd · 07/02/2015 20:13

the question is, does Olivia's mother have a conscience?

I'd say no, so why are you caring?

LIZS · 07/02/2015 20:15

Like mother like daughter, wouldn't touch with v long barge pole let alone invite both along.

TendonQueen · 07/02/2015 20:17

I can see why you caved too. It's easy to be a hardass from behind a screen. No one wants to be the evil witch who stonewalls crying child even if they're being a brat. But you do need to do two things: get money from her mother, and say 'you put me in j very difficult position there and this is the one and only time I will go along with it. Fern and Olivia often play together without DD and I don't want to feel I am under pressure to take both of them on every outing when we don't get the same in return'.

TendonQueen · 07/02/2015 20:19

Oh, and ring her tonight or go round to make sure she knows about the money and can't claim she mysteriously didn't receive another text.

Penguito · 07/02/2015 20:29

Just echoing what everyone else had said- you look like a mug op! Shock

Penguito · 07/02/2015 20:29

Just echoing what everyone else had said- you look like a mug op! Shock

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 07/02/2015 20:33

I agree with Claudette , send that message now.

I can see why you caved but enough is enough.

EmpressOfJurisfiction · 07/02/2015 20:33

Whatever you decide to do, definitely make the point about your DD being left out!

Spadequeen · 07/02/2015 20:35

Otis should have stuck with the no room in the car scary, ll you've done is reinforce the if I have a tantrum I get my own way attitude

Spadequeen · 07/02/2015 20:36

Don't know who the hell Otis is! Meant to say you!

minionmadess · 07/02/2015 20:51

If you really feel you can't get out of it now, I think after tomorrow you need to stop taking responsibility for entertaining other peoples children.

I appreciate you may want to facilitate your dd friendships but you are being taken for a mug by these other mums. You are effective giving them free childcare.

I sometimes take my ds's friends out but their parents always reciprocate.

MokunMokun · 07/02/2015 21:04

Don't worry, it's a lot easier to say no on the Internet than in person to a crying child.

Maybe I'm wrong but it seems Fern and Olivia are closer to each other than your daughter. I think it is good to encourage other friendships or only do things with them when you can invite both.

helenthemadex · 07/02/2015 21:06

I would actually use this as your opportunity to raise the situation with both sets of parents "apologies for late notice but I'm going to have to cancel tomorrow. I'm feeling pressured to include both children in our plans I don't have the money or space in the car to accomodate this".

I think this is what I would be sending this and maybe add that something about the fact that this is not reciprocated as your daughter is not always included. I would also start distancing myself and dd

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 07/02/2015 21:12

I wonder what else she will get you to do now she knows that you will never say "no".

I presume you will pay for all the petrol and her DD's entry to the farm?

Maybe you should offer to buy lunch too, Olivia might kick off if her packed lunch isn't the same as everyone else's.

If you don't, they might get upset with you. And clearly that is the worst thing that can ever happen.

CrapBag · 07/02/2015 21:28

That's some brass neck Olivia's mum has! Shock

She knew you'd back down OP, it's a shame you did. The fact that she panders to a 9 year old tantrums shows she must have 1 spoilt brat on her hands.

Her poor dad. Sad

SnowBells · 07/02/2015 21:33

Everythingwillbeok

You would be MAD to take Olivia (feel free to say "F*ck off" to her mum). Seriously.

What kind of woman are you to pander to a girl who's throwing a tantrum? Grow a backbone. Do you not see why the other mums are doing this to you? It's because they know you're too polite, and... erm... do not have a backbone. People like that know who they can push and who they can't.

Find your daughter other friends. Now.

RabbitSaysWoof · 07/02/2015 21:51

I would just leave early without Olivia. I wouldn't miss Fern out tho she's not the tantruming brat and she accepted not going to the pictures without drama.
My dc is an only and we often take another child out, but the manipulative behaviour would stick in my throat and be enough to make me say 'no'.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 07/02/2015 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sockmatcher · 07/02/2015 22:31

You'll take her because you are too scared to say no.

Not a good example.

wouldliketoknow2 · 07/02/2015 22:34

When Olivia's mom texts you to ask where you are say "oh I sent a text about leaving earlier. Guess you didn't get it again" with a passive agressive smiley

Yes, brilliant idea. Am Angry on your behalf OP. Olivia's Mum sounds horrid.

DeliciousMonster · 07/02/2015 22:47

She totally pwned you dude. Your move.