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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no actually she can't come!

246 replies

Everythingwillbeok · 06/02/2015 14:03

My DD is lucky enough to live on a nice little street with two other girls of the same age who are also in her class.

Nice she has friends to play with at weekends ect.But for the last 3/4 months ect is been so hard not upsetting any of the girls or their mums. I'm getting a bit tired of always making sure nobody is left out.

In December I took one of the girls lets call her Olivia to the cinema to watch Paddington along with my DD.It was a bit of a treat and the other girl,lets call her Fern was going to see it that afternoon anyway with her cousin. So I offered to take Olivia as I knew she'd be on her own all day as her own mum doesn't do anything with them at weekends.( not meaning to sound like a cow) but by her own admission can't be arsed taking her kids anywhere as she'd rather chill in her PJs.

All good only Fern saw us leave and came running out saying are you playing out? Er no we are on our way out sorry love but they'll be around later. Ok she said and ran back home.

That night I got a text saying hope you enjoyed the film I thought I was really good pity we couldn't have all gone together as Fern was upset she only had her cousin for company.I replied oh right well I knew you'd made plans and I didn't want to interfere.

About 3 times since then my DD has called for each of them and been told they've gone to McDonalds/ the park/ to walk the dog together so she's come back home and I've said nevermind we were out when they left or perhaps they wanted to go alone. She hasn't batted an eyelid as sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Olivia goes to her dads every Sunday at 12:30 without fail. DP said last night seeing as its so dry and sunny lets take DD to the farm on Sunday we can get some eggs and she can see the animals ect, then go for a drink at the pub on the way back.

So I said DD could pick a friend .Olivia's at her dads on Sunday so she won't be on her own she'll have something to do so ill ask Fern if she's free.

Ok yeah fine. So it's arranged but I've had a text off Olivia's mum half an hour ago saying just picked Olivia up from school to go dentist and she's in the car crying as your DD and Fern were talking about going out on Sunday and she's overheard, she's kicking off in the car saying she's not going to her dads and I can't force her to go so would you mind if she tags along with you?

I'm gobsmacked...I feel like I can't say no but why is there constant pandering? I'd say no sorry love can't let your dad down its the only dad he sees you. We can go there next week.

There's room in the car but it's the expense of taking another one and also the fact she's not really been invited.

Sorry it's long didn't want to drip feed.

They are 9 by the way not toddlers.

Just feel a bit resentful we can never just go out without considering what these other two are up to and if we are going to offend anyone.

OP posts:
yellowdinosauragain · 07/02/2015 17:26

a on this occasion because there is not room in the car. If Olivia is disappointed then that is all on her for trying to manipulate you into this and she needs to know that she is never ever to try this again.

I do understand why you might not want to do this but seriously this mum is a cheeky fucking bitch and if you don't put your foot down who knows what will be next

rookiemere · 07/02/2015 17:26

I can see why the OP has caved tbh.

As the DM of an only DC, having friends to play with on the street are worth their weight in gold - just as well really as OP is paying handsomely for the honour Grin.

Plus I can imagine that they'd make life miserable for her DD if she fell out with the other DMs. So this way lesson is learnt - no more outings (or free ones only involving both girls) and least amount of drama. I'd still try to get some money out of Olivia's DM though, there's one thing having a brass neck and the other inviting your DD along and not even paying for her

yellowdinosauragain · 07/02/2015 17:27

Not sure why half of my post disappeared...

In summary, tell her to fuck off

cerealqueen · 07/02/2015 17:29

You should have very calmly said we can't take her as we have to pick up DD, and shown them the door. The crying child does not trump any parenting decision. You kind of deserve the fallout and precedent set to be honest.

ColdCottage · 07/02/2015 17:30

Wow how rude of Olivia's mum. Not fair on the father too.

Agree, mix it up a bit and invite friends from outside the street to stuff for a bit or one of street girls and one non street girl. Make 2 plans one with Olivia and non street girl and one with Fern and non street girl at the same time so neither can say they are left out when they find out and also the car is full.

Good luck tomorrow.

dustarr73 · 07/02/2015 17:31

I think this has to be sorted face to face.Knock later on and tell the mum Olivia cant go.She wasnt invited in the first place and that was a terrible thing to back you in to a corner.

And after tomorrow i wouldnt bring either of them again.

LindyHemming · 07/02/2015 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerpetualStudent · 07/02/2015 17:32

Call her "oh, we didn't have a chance to talk money yesterday, it'll come to £XX" and ask for however much you want to sting her for/what your babysitting rates are!
Im not joking, bass neck needs to stump up some brass...

IKnewYou · 07/02/2015 17:33

I'd cancel. I know if I didn't it would really irritate me forever more Confused. I would phone her right now and say you are ill.

I would never have backed down though. I don't give in to tantrums by my own children so I wouldn't dream of giving in to someone else's child.

I think you need to ask your nieghbour for the entrance fee and Id ask her to provide a packed lunch.

grumpasaur · 07/02/2015 17:35

Op, you will be building a rod for your own back here! Ring up and say she can't come, end of. Don't wuss out- your daughter will respect you so much more if you stand up for yourself. Incidentally, so will the other mums!

wetbehindtheears · 07/02/2015 17:42

"So of course I had to say its fine she can come. My eldest DD will have to get the tram home."

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Your DD doesn't have to get the tram home because a NINE year old has flung herself on her mother's knee and started crying.

I would actually use this as your opportunity to raise the situation with both sets of parents "apologies for late notice but I'm going to have to cancel tomorrow. I'm feeling pressured to include both children in our plans I don't have the money or space in the car to accomodate this".

mommy2ash · 07/02/2015 17:56

you are setting an awful precedent for yourself with this. if you give in now this type of behaviour is going to carry on for years to come. had it been a genuine miscommunication and my dd made a scene in front of people like that i would have been mortified and left.

you need to ring her right this second and say you put me in an awful position and i really dont appreciate it. as i already explained i don't have the room in the car and i don't feel comfortable asking dd to get the tram so i am unable to take her. don't turn up at my house trying to back me into a corner like that again it isnt fair on anyone.

LIZS · 07/02/2015 18:00

Stop using the car as an excuse or the mum will invite herself or a delegate along. Just ring her say you are very frustrated that she put you in such a difficult position in front of the children . Taking all 3 does not work for you . Olivia is not invited as before and you hope she will be able to sort her daughter's inevitable disappointment.

letsplayscrabble · 07/02/2015 18:11

Just tell the mum she's welcome to come with olivia and you'll see her there. Problem solved.

goldvelvet · 07/02/2015 18:13

Go round and ask for your eldest DD's tram fee onto of the £8 for the farm & pub stop.

LIZS · 07/02/2015 18:18

If you do tell Olivia's mum to come along Hmm make sure you change where/when you go so sadly you miss each other.

FightOrFlight · 07/02/2015 18:41

Agree with phoning the mother and telling her that she put you in an embarrassing position. Tell her that you have only budgeted for the child who was actually invited so Olivia will need to bring £10 to cover her costs.

I'd also say that unless Olivia is specifically invited to an outing then you do not expect her to ask for if the child can come along again.

FightOrFlight · 07/02/2015 18:42

< removes pointless 'for' from previous post >

LimeFizz · 07/02/2015 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stuckonthecountertop · 07/02/2015 19:20

For gods sake. You let that happen but do not say anything when your dd is left out Hmm parents like you drive me mad.
You either need to start doing the same trick as Olivias mother or be resigned to your dd being third wheel in that friendship, only going on group outings or being second offer..... And then you will be moaning about that no doubt.

WitchWay · 07/02/2015 19:24

You didn't have to back down.

She will have got the message - manipulative cow

youarekiddingme · 07/02/2015 19:33

No you shouldn't have t take both girls anywhere and understand why you'd invite a friend along when you have an only - because I do too - and sometimes they are better with company.

The way around this would maybe text both parents next time saying "going to x on y day. It's £x if your dd would like to come. Just send a packed lunch as well be there all day.

Liked i said you absolutely do not have to invite both - and I get the feeling the expectation may disappear when they realise they'll have to fork out for it!

YouTheCat · 07/02/2015 19:39

I can see how you ended up caving in, in the face of that pressure.

Tbh now you'll just have to make the best of it. Grit your teeth through the day.

Then a text to the mother to say there will be no more future invites due to her terrible rudeness. I'd risk the fall out. Your dd does not need these kinds of friends - they will become manipulative users.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 07/02/2015 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 07/02/2015 19:52

I'd cancel. I'd also message the mum and say she must not put you in that position again.

I wouldn't want either mum to take my dc out.

She is so brass necked that you need to have fall back ready. It isn't your problem she can't parent her child. 'that IS tricky, hope you get something sorted out' or 'I don't get involved when my dd isn't invited and would prefer the girls to talk kindly together and sort this out' or even 'what are you going to do?'

Take your dad out just the two of you. The other girl may be disappointed but you need to put your dd first and show her how you stand up for her. Do it now and be brave.

Angry to the mum bring a 9 year old tantrumping toddler into your house.Thanks

Wine
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