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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no actually she can't come!

246 replies

Everythingwillbeok · 06/02/2015 14:03

My DD is lucky enough to live on a nice little street with two other girls of the same age who are also in her class.

Nice she has friends to play with at weekends ect.But for the last 3/4 months ect is been so hard not upsetting any of the girls or their mums. I'm getting a bit tired of always making sure nobody is left out.

In December I took one of the girls lets call her Olivia to the cinema to watch Paddington along with my DD.It was a bit of a treat and the other girl,lets call her Fern was going to see it that afternoon anyway with her cousin. So I offered to take Olivia as I knew she'd be on her own all day as her own mum doesn't do anything with them at weekends.( not meaning to sound like a cow) but by her own admission can't be arsed taking her kids anywhere as she'd rather chill in her PJs.

All good only Fern saw us leave and came running out saying are you playing out? Er no we are on our way out sorry love but they'll be around later. Ok she said and ran back home.

That night I got a text saying hope you enjoyed the film I thought I was really good pity we couldn't have all gone together as Fern was upset she only had her cousin for company.I replied oh right well I knew you'd made plans and I didn't want to interfere.

About 3 times since then my DD has called for each of them and been told they've gone to McDonalds/ the park/ to walk the dog together so she's come back home and I've said nevermind we were out when they left or perhaps they wanted to go alone. She hasn't batted an eyelid as sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Olivia goes to her dads every Sunday at 12:30 without fail. DP said last night seeing as its so dry and sunny lets take DD to the farm on Sunday we can get some eggs and she can see the animals ect, then go for a drink at the pub on the way back.

So I said DD could pick a friend .Olivia's at her dads on Sunday so she won't be on her own she'll have something to do so ill ask Fern if she's free.

Ok yeah fine. So it's arranged but I've had a text off Olivia's mum half an hour ago saying just picked Olivia up from school to go dentist and she's in the car crying as your DD and Fern were talking about going out on Sunday and she's overheard, she's kicking off in the car saying she's not going to her dads and I can't force her to go so would you mind if she tags along with you?

I'm gobsmacked...I feel like I can't say no but why is there constant pandering? I'd say no sorry love can't let your dad down its the only dad he sees you. We can go there next week.

There's room in the car but it's the expense of taking another one and also the fact she's not really been invited.

Sorry it's long didn't want to drip feed.

They are 9 by the way not toddlers.

Just feel a bit resentful we can never just go out without considering what these other two are up to and if we are going to offend anyone.

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 06/02/2015 14:58

I agree with the others saying not to pander to Olivia (or more accurately Olivia's Mum) as this will only escalate. The question is how to reply to Olivia's Mum so that no noses are put out of joint.

I'd go with something like "Hi, so sorry that Olivia is kicking off about what I've planned to do with MiniEverything. Unfortunately she can't come this weekend with us, it's not possible this time. We'll see her again and do something with her soon, bye"

1million per cent agree with minionmadess about their parents not doing things with their own kids, sure why would they when you do it for them??

StAndrewsDay has better wording for how to reply to Olivia's mum than I do.

Number3cometome · 06/02/2015 15:04

Olivia's Mum needs to get a grip!

The plan was she is going to her Dads house, the plan should stick.

Poor Dad! Mother obviously doesn't consider his feelings seeing as he only gets to see his DD once week??

I'd say "Sorry, we know Olivia sees her Dad on a Sunday, I would feel terrible for ruining that arrangement. See you on Monday"

Mother is a prick for even having the nerve to text you TBH

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 06/02/2015 15:05

Blimey. I have a 9 yo DD too - sometimes she does things with 1 friend, sometimes another. Aside from giving permission and lifts parents don't get involved - the girls sort out their own social lives and parents don't choose who they invite or fish for invites for them. Birthdays are the only time they take more than 1 friend on an outing.

Crazy.

DS1 is only 7 but the mum of one of his friends used to be very over involved like the parents you describe, and took up messaging me multiple times a day trying to micromanage the boys' friendship. I finally messaged her that we should let the boys sort it out between them, and she never spoke to either of us again stopped the ridiculous level of micromanagement with regard to my son (I'm sure she is doing it to someone else now) pretty much instantly, and the boys play nice and spontaneously again, without the drama (though admittedly less often they did, but that's fine).

I hope the parents of the other girls won't spoil the lovely situation you potentially have of the girls always having a friend about to play with when they are at a loose end. Your way of handling it sounds fine, "Fern"'s mum sounds daft.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 06/02/2015 15:06
  • sorry "Olivia's" not Fern - confusing!
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 06/02/2015 15:24

Ugh OP say no, otherwise you are setting yourself up for this for years.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 06/02/2015 15:25

Btw, I'm friends with the adult version of these girls. It gets really wearing.

StAndrewsDay · 06/02/2015 15:32

And it's not fair on Olivia's dad for the mother to keep moving the goalposts on a whim. She should not go arranging outings on the only day he gets to spend with her.

TooHasty · 06/02/2015 15:48

I would say yes but say everyone is paying for themselves.It doesn't inconvenience you and it makes Olivia happy, so what is the issue!

However while you are in the car, I would have a little talk with the three of them that sometimes they will do things not as a threesome.
Sometimes it will be just 2 and sometimes they will want to do things with other friends.

Number3cometome · 06/02/2015 15:50

TooHasty

What about Olivia's Dad?

DancingDays · 06/02/2015 15:57

"Maybe next time. We've already made plans this weekend, it's not convenient."

If the mum raises it again say that you thought it would be nice if she took them this time as you did the cinema.

MaryWestmacott · 06/02/2015 16:01

Definately don't take Olivia now, you can't just invite yourself along to stuff, and important less for Olivia and her mum to learn. Definately point out she doesn't always take your DD along when she's got Fern.

MorelliOrRanger · 06/02/2015 16:02

No. Poor dad, surely she can't just stop his access just like that.

Olivia will have to just deal with it. She's only kicking off because she doesn't want to miss anything.

Stealthpolarbear · 06/02/2015 16:10

But it's not up to the op get involved with Olivia's dads access at all. While she doesn't have to take Olivia it's not up to her to refuse to protect the dad

Whereisegg · 06/02/2015 16:16

Bloody hell I thought you were talking about 5 year olds!
You would be crazy to take her, other parents don't get to dictate who you take out Shock

Everythingwillbeok · 06/02/2015 16:16

Thanks for replies. I'm glad you lot don't think I'm being a nasty cow. It would cost another £8 ish to take her with the farm and the pub. It's not about the money it's about not being able to do anything with two seconds later getting a text saying the other kids upset.

On the times my DD has been " left out" I've just got paints/ books out whatever and played with her.

We generally do weekends together without friends but on the two occasions recently I've let DD take a friend there was been these texts I find it weird.

I've still not replied so hoping she doesn't pop round as she lives on the street.

And like others have said what about the dad? It's not fair.

OP posts:
hoobypickypicky · 06/02/2015 16:17

"No".

Everythingwillbeok · 06/02/2015 16:21

Lol hoobypickypicky I like your answer. Is that what you would reply?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 06/02/2015 16:22

At 9 they should be old enough to think that they might not be invited to everything. When the girl threw a tantrum and was sobbing, that is unacceptable, and the mum indulging her. She should have been told in no uncertain terms that she is going to dads and that is why she is not going to the farm. I thought we were talking about 2 5 year olds.

Scholes34 · 06/02/2015 16:23

Just say sorry, no, not on this occasion and then don't dwell on it.

LIZS · 06/02/2015 16:25

How about "sorry that doesn't work for us " you owe no explanations and need to be wary of trying to keep things even before it drains you all. Do whatever suits at the time, you are not responsible for entertaining them nor their happiness. O's mum need to learn to just get on with it , not embroil others in their lives. The more she gives n the less control she will have.

HappyAgainOneDay · 06/02/2015 16:30

I'm glad those days are over for me.

This might help if you twist it a bit. When I was younger, three of us went to and from school by bus. It could have been awkward if the same two had sat together every time so, between us, we devised a 'cunning' plan. A and B would sit together the first time. B and C would sit together next time. Next time C and A would sit together. Repeat. We never felt that one was left out because we took turns to be the odd one out. We did it alphabetically so that Anne would sit with Brenda and then Brenda would sit with Cheryl etc.

WannaBe · 06/02/2015 16:33

I would just state categorically that you will not be party to Olyvia refusing to go to her dad's. if she refuses to go then that's up to her and her mum but you will not be the reason why she refuses to go and will therefore not facilitate it.

Children have to learn that they're not always included in everything. I know of adults who have clearly never been taught this lesson and as adults it
s hideous.

dustarr73 · 06/02/2015 16:37

Just get your daughter some new friends.They will only get worse.

mamaslatts · 06/02/2015 16:38

Wondering if Olivia's mum has moved access to saturday and now using you for free childcare on the sunday.... sorry, am cynical. She cheeky anyway but particularly cheeky as she never takes the girls out.

Try : 'taking all three?? Are you kidding?? Notice you've never done that!' followed by cackling laughter.

SaucyJack · 06/02/2015 16:41

You need to firmly- but politely- but firmly- say no, else you are only re-forcing Olivia's mum's bonkers notion that you are responsible for her child's social life and not her.

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