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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no actually she can't come!

246 replies

Everythingwillbeok · 06/02/2015 14:03

My DD is lucky enough to live on a nice little street with two other girls of the same age who are also in her class.

Nice she has friends to play with at weekends ect.But for the last 3/4 months ect is been so hard not upsetting any of the girls or their mums. I'm getting a bit tired of always making sure nobody is left out.

In December I took one of the girls lets call her Olivia to the cinema to watch Paddington along with my DD.It was a bit of a treat and the other girl,lets call her Fern was going to see it that afternoon anyway with her cousin. So I offered to take Olivia as I knew she'd be on her own all day as her own mum doesn't do anything with them at weekends.( not meaning to sound like a cow) but by her own admission can't be arsed taking her kids anywhere as she'd rather chill in her PJs.

All good only Fern saw us leave and came running out saying are you playing out? Er no we are on our way out sorry love but they'll be around later. Ok she said and ran back home.

That night I got a text saying hope you enjoyed the film I thought I was really good pity we couldn't have all gone together as Fern was upset she only had her cousin for company.I replied oh right well I knew you'd made plans and I didn't want to interfere.

About 3 times since then my DD has called for each of them and been told they've gone to McDonalds/ the park/ to walk the dog together so she's come back home and I've said nevermind we were out when they left or perhaps they wanted to go alone. She hasn't batted an eyelid as sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Olivia goes to her dads every Sunday at 12:30 without fail. DP said last night seeing as its so dry and sunny lets take DD to the farm on Sunday we can get some eggs and she can see the animals ect, then go for a drink at the pub on the way back.

So I said DD could pick a friend .Olivia's at her dads on Sunday so she won't be on her own she'll have something to do so ill ask Fern if she's free.

Ok yeah fine. So it's arranged but I've had a text off Olivia's mum half an hour ago saying just picked Olivia up from school to go dentist and she's in the car crying as your DD and Fern were talking about going out on Sunday and she's overheard, she's kicking off in the car saying she's not going to her dads and I can't force her to go so would you mind if she tags along with you?

I'm gobsmacked...I feel like I can't say no but why is there constant pandering? I'd say no sorry love can't let your dad down its the only dad he sees you. We can go there next week.

There's room in the car but it's the expense of taking another one and also the fact she's not really been invited.

Sorry it's long didn't want to drip feed.

They are 9 by the way not toddlers.

Just feel a bit resentful we can never just go out without considering what these other two are up to and if we are going to offend anyone.

OP posts:

Nativity3 · 08/02/2015 21:19

Thanks for the update :)

AmantesSuntAmentes · 08/02/2015 21:24

I used the term bitch and moan, op. Yes, AIBU is just that and I think pretty much everyone agreed that no, YANBU to say "no actually she can't come!", as per your title.

Then you came back and described yourself as angry, because you hadn't, in the moment, been able to say no. Thereby leading Olivia's mum to believe that everything was fine, while having a bitch and moan that it wasn't, which is really why many posters encouraged you to create firm boundaries with a succinct 'I'm sorry but no', to start with, iyswim?

No doubt, Olivia's mum has bulldozed you, as I said before but you could have prevented it

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 08/02/2015 21:26

Glad you had a nice day.

Looks like it all worked out and you're ready for next time.

KatieKaye · 08/02/2015 22:04

Glad all went well and you had a nice time.

that text from Fern's mum has clarified what you suspected - but please try to let your DD invite Fern out if that's okay with you. next time you will be forewarned about Olivia and her Mum and can work out a strategy. It sounds like maybe Fern and her Mum have been on the receiving end of this treatment too.

You were put in a really awkward position by a conniving mother and her overly dramatic daughter and did what most people would probably do - and then came on here because this was a place you could vent, which you didn't fee able to do at the time. You've not done anything wrong - you have been manipulated by pushy Mum and dramatic daughter. Most 9 year old would feel sad about this sort of thing but they wouldn't be bursting into tears and falling onto their mother's lap in front of other people. One of these days she is going to get a real shock when her histrionics don't have the desired effect.

icelollycraving · 08/02/2015 22:31

I knew you'd have a nice time because frankly you seem nice (& normal!) I think I'd be inclined to invite them round to play etc & wait for Olivia's mum to do the next invite,sometime never.

MokunMokun · 09/02/2015 03:27

I think next time you invite Fern out tell her mum not to mention it to the girls so it can be a surprise. It sounds like she is sympathetic to what went on.

SavoyCabbage · 09/02/2015 03:44

I think you have done the best you can do in a tricky situation.

fizzycolagurlie · 09/02/2015 03:51

I think you did the right thing in the end - rose above it all and kept everyone sweet. Think of the fall out if you had in fact, said "no".

Sometimes you have to say "no" but this wasn't one of them.

Its a perfect example of living in a close knit community. It has its upsides in that you've got 2 build-in friends within spitting distance, but it brings with it a pressure that you won't get away from until the girls are older and cease to care (or someone moves away).

CharityD · 09/02/2015 08:43

I agree, you did the best with a situation you weren't too happy with.
Now you know what to expect, you will be prepared for future manipulative behaviour, from that woman.

As I said upthread, some people just are users, and once one realises that, and stop expecting anything else (i.e. nice / generous behaviour) from them, it becomes a bit easier to deal with them.

Well done, and glad that it was a nice day all around.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/02/2015 08:49

Op fantastic . Yes good plan for the future, if you take them out, they all go together.

EvilTendency1 · 09/02/2015 08:52

OP I call bullshit on a lot of the posters too, I wouldn't have been able to say 'No' in that situation either.

I'm glad you all had a good day out though, in future you'll just be more prepared and have a plan, it's how we all all learn from situations like these.

Rosieliveson · 09/02/2015 09:06

Really glad it was a good day :) Despite the cheek of O's mum it's nice that all three friends got to do something together. Well handled

WhatchaMaCalllit · 09/02/2015 11:08

Glad you were able to have a nice time with the girls all things considered. Very cheeky of Olivia's mum to just send her around considering what she went through to get Olivia invited.

I don't understand what this comment means though OP in your account of the day and when you were speaking with Fern's mum:

On the way I had a text off Ferns mum saying hope you don't think I'm speaking out of term but I'm guessing Olivia's invited herself along? Her mum has told me she can't handle them having time on their own and hates them doing anything without her.

I just don't understand the comment. Was that Olivia's mum can't handle more than Olivia (so no Fern anymore either)? Or Olivia's mum thinking that she doesn't like Olivia to have free time to do what she wants with (play by herself in her own home)? It's important for kids to be able to occupy themselves and be by themselves. Also, the bit about hating doing anything without her - are we talking about Olivia wanting to be involved in everything with Fern and your DD? That doesn't seem to wash both ways does it? If your DD isn't being included in all of the outings that happen with Olivia and Fern that's just a pack of horsesh!t to be honest.

Olivia already had plans - to visit her Dad, from what you said earlier. I'd have to call Olivia's mum out on this and say that although you had a lovely time with the girls, you didn't appreciate being put on the spot at all and as far as you were concerned, Olivia's plans for Sunday were to visit her Dad and that was why she wasn't included in the initial invitation. I would also have to say to the mum that in future, your own children will come first when it comes to space in the car, irrespective of how Olivia takes it.

You really do have to follow up with Olivia's mum on this or else she will see this as the way to get things to happen in the future.

Please do come back and let us know how you get on if you do have a chat with Olivia's mum.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 09/02/2015 12:13

Glad you had a nice day OP. I think you will be fine in future, because you know what you are dealing with.

If you wanted to do something with Fern alone, I'd just say it to her Mom, and ask her not to say it to Fern until after the day, and likewise you keep it from you DD also.

In saying that, I have said to DD2 (10) not to mention certain playdates or plans because we don't want to upset anybody. And that has worked well for us.

Tanith · 09/02/2015 14:05

I read it as Olivia hating the other two to do anything without her. In which case, it certainly shouldn't be indulged. A selfish friendship is no friendship at all.

CrapBag · 09/02/2015 21:03

Thanks for the update.

Sounds like Fern's mum is wise to what Olivia's mum is like and what she did. I'don't definitely distance myself from this sort of thing in the future but it seems a shame for Fern and her mum as she seems much more reasonable.

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 09/02/2015 21:45

So Fern's Mum has been guilty of this too- calling you on who you invite! I think you should just take your DD out from now on, they both sound difficult!

EmpressOfJurisfiction · 09/02/2015 21:49

Doesn't sound like much fun for Fern's cousin either, if Fern was sulking because her company wasn't good enough!

QuintlessShadows · 12/02/2015 09:18

True. They are the same! But Frrns mum is making a point about Olivia's mum.
Stirring...

MissDuke · 12/02/2015 10:12

Op I think you did the right thing tbh. It is very hard to please everyone, we have been in this position sooo many times! We try to ensure no one is left out, like you do. My dd has autism, yet reacts much better to these things that Olivia appears to!

I had a horrible one recently. A girl (lets call her Lola) lives round the corner, maybe 20 houses away, and is a few years younger than my dd comes occasionally to play in our garden. I don't let dd go there as it is too far. Sometimes dd wants to be alone and told Lola this the other day - I instantly got a text from her mum asking why my dd wouldn't 'let' Lola play. (In our garden :-/) I said I didn't know why, and I would ask her. Anyway in the meantime she sent Lola back round, with her 3 year old sister!!! Clearly she wanted me for childcare. I cannot believe how cheeky some people are!!! My dd has been left out many many times, but like the op I just do something with her instead, and its fine.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 12/02/2015 11:12

missduke did you sent lol and her sister back home?

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