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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that, as the working parent, I do not have to do half of the housework?

267 replies

mrsruffallo · 05/02/2015 18:20

Just that really, Fed up with sahps moaning about their working partners not doing enough around the house. Well, that's the deal isn't it? I cook most nights but that's about it.

OP posts:
Marynary · 06/02/2015 17:27

And to marynarys point. I don't think I have ever come home to chores or mess in the evening, as dh does it all before I arrive home in the evening

To be honest if I came home to a spotless house every single day I would wonder if the SAHP actually did anything with the children.

kirbymaster · 06/02/2015 17:27

Angeleyes - 3 month, 2 and 7. Sometimes I come home and there might still be washing up on the drainer, but other than that place is always really organised. I think tips are; storage, hardly any clutter, tidy as you go

LovesBooks · 06/02/2015 17:28

I am the one home most of the time, but I do go uni 3 days a week. I do most of the housework but I do expect my oh to do his share. When he has a day off, he does the housework with me and dinner. Today he was at home while I have been at uni all day and he has taken our son 16 months, to soft play, cleaned and is now doing dinner. You should share it. Not get home from work and sit there relaxing while your partner is still doing housework and sorting out children.

kirbymaster · 06/02/2015 17:30

Dh does set activities such as decorating pizza, cakes, painting activities. Then they have free play, but due to having all ikea trofasts dc2 tidies up after herself in day. Both eldest know to tidy up at night. Eldest is very good now with it. Dh is out quite a bit with play cafe days, seeing his friends and their kids.

We weren't like this with dc1 but you get organised as the years go by. We find we can't let it stay messy as due to space constraints it is annoying.

angeleyes72 · 06/02/2015 17:31

Iam impressed kirby. I tidy as I go but we have too much stuff and dc are incrediably messy. Well actually so is dh.

kirbymaster · 06/02/2015 17:33

It is stuff that is the killer. I was just like that with dc1. It is 100x quicker to tidy now we have 3 as once you have the systems in place it is just easier all round.

Marynary · 06/02/2015 17:36

We weren't like this with dc1 but you get organised as the years go by. We find we can't let it stay messy as due to space constraints it is annoying.

Interesting that you say "we" when you talk about being organised and clean/tidy. You can't really take any credit for it if your point is that your DH did everything.

kirbymaster · 06/02/2015 17:43

I did the systems in the first place and dh has only been sahd 4 months. We were both working full time,and had it organised even then. I have stacks of wilkos drawers with labels on everyone. I have trofast that I could tell you what everything is in from sitting in living room. We got rid of lots, even though we didn't have that much to start with. I own one plastic box of clothes, kindle, phone, netbook, straighteners, hairdryer and cosmetics. I have no other belonging so can't make a mess. It makes life so much easier for us.

Marynary · 06/02/2015 17:46

Kirbymaster you say that your DH has only been a SAHD for 4 months, but upthread you say that your youngest is three months. Does this not mean that you have been at home for this time as well (on maternity leave) or did you go straight back to work after giving birth?

kirbymaster · 06/02/2015 17:47

I had 2 weeks off yeah. That is why he is off.

littlejohnnydory · 06/02/2015 17:47

YABU. I'm a sahm and my job is to look after the children, provide stimulating activities and play with them. Part of that involves some housework and teaching them to do it but I'm not going to neglect them in order to get all the housework done. I'm also breastfeeding the baby which takes a huge amount of time at the moment. Fortunately my husband values what I do.

Thirstysomething · 06/02/2015 17:59

What AnnieLobeseder said:

"I have never seen anywhere on MN where anyone has ever said that WOHPs should do 50% of the housework where there is a SAHP.

What people do say is that both parents should have equal downtime.

So at the weekends, yes, the WOHP should do 50%, and if the SAHP has been running ragged all day doing a reasonable amount of housework and childcare instead of spending all day at the gym or watching Jezza Kyle, then when the WOHP gets home they should muck in together until all the work is done instead of the WOHP putting their feet up and playing X-Box while the SAHP is putting in a futher 3-4 hours of work with bedtime/dinner prep."

Can't think of much to add to that, except that, as a SAHP with 4 kids under 7, I am exhausted at the end of the 'working' day and seem to be far more exhausted than other half with the office job. Luckily OH is a saint and in the evenings we both do our bit until kids are all in bed, then we cook together and flop together, zzzz.

Thirstysomething · 06/02/2015 18:15

Friendlyladybird rocks too (may never write an original post again, just plagiarise other people)

"Actually I think it depends on how much you like your job. I love my job; I hate housework. My DH also hates housework.

There was a time when I worked out of the home and DH was a SAHD. It would have been vastly unfair of me to have been out all day, having really quite a nice time with intellectually stimulating work, adult conversation, lunches prepared by someone else, etc., and then come home and expected DH to have done ALL the stuff that I know we both hate doing."

DuelingFanjo · 06/02/2015 18:43

If I was a SAHP I think I would decide not to do the working person's picking up clothes, washing, ironing, putting away - they are an adult so can take care of this.

However I would expect the SAHP to clean up messes made during the day, organise kid clothing etc.

Do you do any of these things OP?

zeezeek · 06/02/2015 19:14

DuelingFanjo - when we were both out to work, fine. But now he's at home all day then yeah, I expect him to clear up. He would if it was me. Luckily we both have relatively low standards regarding cleanliness....and it's going to get worse as DH will soon be looking after his grand-child full time so my DSD can go back to Uni quickly after the birth.

bloodygorgeous · 07/02/2015 09:46

DuelingFanjo totally agree. That's pretty much how it works for us - my dh is SAHD and does tidying, cooking, cleaning-as-he-goes every day.

But doesn't pick up after me. I don't regard him as a slave and leave a trail of mess behind me! Evenings and weekend I pick up anything that needs doing.

Works well.

Nocturne123 · 07/02/2015 09:52

Dh and I pretty much split ours 50/50 . He works full time and I'm a sahp to a 22mo and a 5mo

There is not a single bit of my day that I could fit in more housework as neither of them nap.

It obviously depends on the situation and what age the kids are . When mine go to nursery/school I plan to do more housework .

angeleyes72 · 07/02/2015 11:11

According to some nocturne you are just a parent without a job. Must admit I was more exhausted with 2 under 2 than any other time in my life and find that attitude so insulting.

ourglass · 07/02/2015 11:21

I'm a sahm, DH works full time and sometimes works away.

I don't expect him to lift a finger.

anothergenericname · 07/02/2015 11:33

I'm having fun reading this I work harder than you do competition that's going on here. Normally I am self employed and work around my 3 year old. Am currently on mat leave and 35 weeks pg with a hideous chest infection thing so dh took yesterday off work to look after said 3 year old. He is a great hands on dad but I don't think he's had sole charge and had to deal with all logistics and sorted out some housework (due to illness and huge bump I am somewhat behind atm). This morning dh had massive meltdown about how tired he was. How it was neverending and how the 3 yr old just wouldn't bloody listen and had to be told umpteen times etc. He said he can't wait to get back to his (very demanding) job because at least he can concentrate, sit down and people actually listen to him.

I had a good chuckle then kept an eye on DS whilst dh had a quick nap.

on Thurs I had a KIT day whilst 3 yr old did a morning at preschool. God I loved it. Even really ill with a huge big bump it was lovely to have some authority. To have adults listen and interact with me. To exercise creativity and ability and capability. To not repeat myself 400 fucking times. To engage with the outside world.

Being a parent is a miracle and a blessing. Actually parenting (ie - with the child right there needing you) is a fucking demanding job.

remind me why im starting all over again?
Oh - and I ran this past dh just in case I was being biased and he regarded me with awe and told me what a great job im doing, then took DS to the park so I could go back to bed. More than anything else I am lucky that DH and I have a real partnership and try to make sure everyone gets a fair deal. I did enjoy his meltdown though.

Nocturne123 · 07/02/2015 11:58

I'm the same angeleyes . It's a different kind of tired I think , when dh gets home he definitely has more energy than I do . When I worked ft I was wrecked too but not so drained at the end of the day.

I dont think anyone can really compare with other people it depends on type of job , ages of children , health of people involved . A bit of a pointless debate I guess .

redskybynight · 07/02/2015 14:10

These "tireder than you" stories are ridiculous really because there are so many different variables.

I know (with a non sleeping pre-schooler) that it was much harder to work out of the home with no sleep, than it was to be a SAHM 8.5 months pregnant or even to have a newborn and the non-sleeping pre-schooler. Because when you are a SAHP you can (aside from dealing with your children's basic needs) set your own agenda. If you don't want to get dressed and decide to slob in front of the TV all day then there is nothing to stop you doing that. But that proves nothing, I have no doubt that the next poster will say that they are a heart surgeon and they find their job much easier than looking after a docile toddler.

yetanotherchangename · 07/02/2015 14:54

It's not about who is tireder. It's about whether the SAHP stays at home to look after children or to take on responsibility for every single piece of housework. For some people it may be the latter, but if it hasn't been agreed then the WOHP has no right to expect it.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/02/2015 16:39

They're not ridiculous Redsky
Just people's experiences.
Housework is a fucking chore. Having to clean up after other people is a PITA.
I can see why someone would feel taken advantage of if they return home from work to a heap of cleaning when their DP was at home with no childcare responsibilities for five or so hours.
And that applies to someone looking after preschoolers. It is work. It takes time and energy.
And nobody in a "partership" should expect to be waited on hand and foot.

TwoOddSocks · 07/02/2015 20:02

Redsky

I think you miss the things you don't have. Yes as a SAHP if I was very tired I could slob about in my PJs all day (although not in front of the TV my 2,5 year old has no interest and would just go crazy and start tearing up the flat). This might sound appealing to someone working an office job. Where as if you're with a toddler all day sitting on the bus/in the car for 40 minutes listening to music might sound like a spa weekend, and you might be jealous of the working parent who can actually have an uninterrupted conversation with other adults.