To think that, as the working parent, I do not have to do half of the housework?

[mrsruffallo]

Just that really, Fed up with sahps moaning about their working partners not doing enough around the house. Well, that's the deal isn't it? I cook most nights but that's about it.

I suppose that's the point NewStatesman. I'm a SAHM so we don't just have to "manage".

When dh was a sahp he did every household task, even when with multiple children, and a baby. He sees it as lazy making the wohp do any of it.

BTW I do actually do 95% of the housework. I just don't think I'm morally obliged to, or that the SAHP "should" do it all.

I don't know why anyone would find it helpful to reinforce the stereotype of domestic drudge versus breadwinner.

I am a sahp with a school aged disabled child. During term times I do all the housework and the majority of childcare although we spend most of the weekend doing things as a family. During the school holidays only essential housework gets done as ds requires my attention most of the time.

It depends what it being left changename. I see it if a wohp is been out all day, and then comes home to washing up needing doing, washing needing putting away, and things over the floor like a warzone, then I do believe it is a bit of a disgrace.

On here people say I do childcare not housework in my role as sahp, and to me that is wrong

Laundry is the easiest part imo.
Even i can do that with a toddler in tow. Bit not the putting-away. It takes longer to put clothes away in the right drawers, all folded (i hardly ever iron) than most of them have been worn for. I loathe it.
And actual cleaning (washing and polishing worktops, vacuuming) doesnt take that long, but its all the tidying beforehand. If someone comes home ad dumps the contents of their pockets/ post/ coat around te kitchen and hall its a mare trying to tidy all that up. The kids eat at least three tims a day so thats prep, cooking, supervising and cleaning/ loading the dishwasher hosing down the kitchen table and floor every time.
My dh works from home ad does a lot woth the kids (cm run, lots of bedtimes etc) but the mss that greet sme when i walk through yhe door from work maks me want to cry. Why cant plates be removed from the table and stacked next t te dishwasher? Why can't the beds be straightene a little? Or pyjamas picked up from the bathroom floor?
He argues that he is busy (which he is) and that it only takes a minute. Well fucking do it then!
Some ppl just dont see all the work and drudge that goes into keepimg the home reasonably clean and tidy. Just because it only takes a minute to put clothes in a washing machine does not mean that laundry is not a time consuming chore.

There is no rule. It depends on many factors including how many pre school children the SAHP has to look after, how much sleep they are getting etc. However things are divided I don't think the working parent should be creating extra mess/work for the SAHP as seems to happen in some households.

Sod that.

You need to pull your own weight - the way I see it, any tasks that would need to be done even if you were single are your responsibility. If the SAHP has time and inclination to do them, then that's lucky for you, but there is no obligation.

This means that things like hoovering, cleaning probably will be done by the SAHP because they also would have to do them if they were single, although if you're making extra mess (football kit, never throwing away your teabag) then they shouldn't be expected to deal with that too - just to do what fits in with what they're already doing.

Expecting it to be done because you're out of the house working is treating your partner as a skivvy.

I'm a SAHM to 2 school aged children.

I do 99% during the week, then at weekends we split it 50/50. It works for us and seems a fair way of splitting it

I do all the big housework stuff during the week (changing beds, cleaning bathrooms, etc, etc) and then at weekends we do the bare minimum to keep the house ticking over (washing up/cook dinner/bung a wash load in). I cook Mon - Fri (we cook from scratch as DD1 is coeliac) then we do one each at the weekend.

My kids are 9 and 13 so we don't have putting littlies to bed/running baths/etc as they just jump in the shower and get ready for bed. He or I go up and tuck them in.

Housework doesn't take up vast amounts of my time - the dog needs a good 2 hour walk a day, we're foster carers so lots of meetings and running around, I volunteer a couple of afternoons a week at DD2's school so I'm busy but not stressed-busy if you see what I mean.

I'm perfectly happy to pick up the lions share of house stuff, but I'm not prepared to be DH's skivvy. Leaving used tea bags in the sink/socks on the living room floor/crusty sports clothes in the bottom of a bag isn't on. He has to pick up after himself and clear away his own mess and it won't kill him to do a bit of washing up after dinner

kirbymaster I find it ridiculous that you find it "wrong" if the other couple are happy with it. I have a toddler and do the minimum amount of housework during the day (laundry so spin cycle doesn't wake up neighbours at night, cooking and keeping the house from turning into a rubbish dump). I didn't stay home to leave my son while I'm cleaning all day (if he was at a childminders I'd be pretty annoyed if she spent her day doing her family's laundry rather than doing stuff with the kids).

Also has anyone ever claimed that SAHP with school age children shouldn't do more than half the housework? They're naturally going to clean up breakfast, chuck on the laundry and hoover during the day. I think the issue comes when the Working parent expects to lounge around all evening while the SAHP does all the drudgery. Cleaning up your own mess (putting dirty dishes away in the dish washer, clothes in the laundry bag, wiping surfaces) is also basic curtesy. If you don't do this you're a lazy slob.

I think the issue comes when the Working parent expects to lounge around all evening while the SAHP does all the drudgery.

I agree!

I expect DH to pick up after himself - put his clothes away, put dirty plates in the dishwasher, put his shoes/coat away, beer cans in the bin. Not leaving stuff where it drops for me to deal with

I also expect him to muck in and be helpful - for example, the washing machine has just finished, instead of just walking past it empty handed into the utility room (where the tumble drier is kept) to get a beer, it wouldn't kill him to empty the washing machine and load the drier while he's out there (and not carry on like he's done me a massive favour )

No problem doing the house stuff, but I'm no-one's personal maid.

Im a sahm with one school age and on pre school, atm the vast majority of my day involves toilet training and diluting violent tantrums, then off to pick up eldest another hour if stood up cooking , put the plates in kitchen then ready for bed i have to get dc2 asleep on my knee as he wont any other way, many sahps have lives like mine difficult;, unrelenting and unappreaciated with no let or down time whatsover, maybe yours friends lives more closely resemble mine. I wouldn't be responsible for my actions if my DH took that attitude.

Both DP and I work full time. However, I work round the corner from our flat so get home before him and he is self employed so always very stressed out.

I therefore do all the housework because I think I have an easier time of it than him. Surely this is also the case where one person is a SAHP? If they have no commute etc they should do more of the housework. And if they've been at home all day surely there can't be that much to do in the evenings anyway?

And if they've been at home all day surely there can't be that much to do in the evenings anyway?

Ha Ha. My guess is that you have never been a SAHP with preschool-aged children!

When I went on May leave I thought my house would be organised, clean and tidy as 'I'd be at home all day'. Hahahahaha! DS is 18m now and the only times my house resembles order is the 3 days a week I'm at work and he is at nursery all day. Although he does manage to make quite a lot of mess in the 30mins between getting home and bath time.

I find that being at home with him on a normal day, I don't managed his apart from a wash on, and keeping on top of the mess he is making. I certainly can't get all of the daily/weekly chores done. I can't see it getting any easier if number 2 comes along.

I do try to do what I can but I would never accept that anything I don't get done is my sole responsibility to do in the evenings/at the weekend. But more often than not it just doesn't get done tbh as we'd rather do something else that worry about the vacuuming.

What I will say is that my role is definitely as manager of the home situation. DH mostly gets given jobs to do but doesn't have the responsibility of making sure thins get done IYSWIM.

May leave not may!

Or perhaps mat leave?

I think it comes down to 'respect' and the example you're setting to your children. DH values what I've done, what I do and does and see it as one big 'doss'. I have a preschooler and one at school and I don't want them to think there is no value in what I'm doing for them. Luckily for me (it seems) my DH was not brought up to believe that such 'drudgery' is the sole purpose of one person's existence and is 'actively' taking over stuff at night when he's home.

This is 'not' a way to treat someone IMO and I would run for the hills if my partner had 'this' attitude!

Teooddsocks - bit extreme to go from doing laundry all day to leaving it a mess. Dh takes our 3 out every day, but still tidies and cleans. I am very grateful of this as I am often working long hours. It doesn't take him anywhere near all day, but he is quite organised and motivately, thankfully.

And to marynarys point. I don't think I have ever come home to chores or mess in the evening, as dh does it all before I arrive home in the evening

Depends really. When XH was SAHP, my view was that if I arrived home from WOH and was handed a baby still breathing and with the same number of limbs she had when I'd left for work that morning, he'd done his work for the day. Then we both mucked in to do whatever was left over - dinner, bit of tidying, bath and bedtime. I did night wakings, but only because I was trying to BF as long as possible.

Once DC2 arrived, XH was working PT so we had a day nanny. On the same basis, didn't expect nanny to do anything but look after DC.

But then when DC were at school, and XH was once again at home I would have thought he was taking the piss somewhat if all he did all day was watch crap telly and drink hot cups of tea.

I think it does probably boil down to how much free time each partner has; I appreciate that if you consider yourself to be "on call" when you have DC at school then you may think your time's not your own, but there's a difference between not being able to go out for the day (but still being able to read, watch TV, whatever) and having to work in the sense of teaching maths or delivering calves.

A warzone can be created in mintes by a toddler though. I popped upstairs to put the laundry away (would be so wrong to leave it lying around for wohm) to find the best part of dozen eggs smashed. dd decided she wanted to put them in her trolley. How many dc do you have kirby and how old are they?

Also agree with school aged dc the sahm has leisure time during the day. Although when I was in this position I was quite depressed not sahm related) and the house was messier than it is now.

Okay, I really shouldn't bite, but here goes...

A SAHP to preschoolers is not a "job" in the sense of paid employment, but I have to ask those asserting that one is no more than "a parent without a job", what do you think a SAHP to preschoolers actually does during the day?