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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that, as the working parent, I do not have to do half of the housework?

267 replies

mrsruffallo · 05/02/2015 18:20

Just that really, Fed up with sahps moaning about their working partners not doing enough around the house. Well, that's the deal isn't it? I cook most nights but that's about it.

OP posts:
angeleyes72 · 08/02/2015 10:23

My problem amanda is that I am home with 3dc including a toddler. I have good days where I blitz a room, do laundry for 5 and all the random things like cleaning up and washing up and wiping down kitchen worktops. Dh comes home. makes his tea or has a takeaway. Than sits watching tv and goes to bed leaving crumbs on worktop, plate in sink, mug on table, clothes on the floor, crumbs on floor etc. Whilst I do bedtime, wash dd1 hair etc and do most of the club runs.Those who say your dh doesn't have to lift a finger would that not serioudly not piss you off.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/02/2015 12:26

I agree with you Angel
Many people underestimate the time and energy that children demand.
Expecting to be able to drop your shit about and have it picked up by your dp is unreasonable. Totally.

SardineQueen · 08/02/2015 12:35

When I had DD2 I had PND and anxiety and was really ill. I was able to get DD1 to preschool (two mornings a week) and care for the baby (nappies BF) but I wasn't caring for myself really just sitting there staring into space unless I had to do something like feed the children.

DH was working FT and he was very supportive, he did most of the housework & shopping and stuff and when he was here he would try and take the kids so I could sleep and also cooking.

I understand from the OP that this was wrong and I should have been doing everything but really I wasn't up to it.

Threads like this just make me feel that at that time I let everyone down really.

Chunderella · 08/02/2015 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/02/2015 12:52

sardinequeen Brew

fromparistoberlin73 · 08/02/2015 12:58

Aw sardine whatever peoples situation , someone with pnd needs tlc and a rest ! Feck it everyone needs rest but even more so a new mum

If I recall right op was speaking of a sahp with kids at school . Not even comparable with caring for a newborn and toddler which is , with hindsight , hard core fatigue !!

SardineQueen · 08/02/2015 13:31

Thanks amanda Smile

I'm a lot better now but I just think it's better for people / families to get by as best they can in the circumstances they are in really hopefully with plenty of communication.

If DH had been all you get on with it don't be so lazy or whatever I'm not sure how things would have panned out.

angeleyes72 · 08/02/2015 13:39

That is just it sardine. No one outside your situation knows what it is like. Mil thinks I am a lazy cow. (she has said as much). Yet she thinks dh shouldn't have to lift a finger. Glad you are better sardine and thank you amanda

Horseradishes · 08/02/2015 13:44

Yanbu. Of course the wohp should help out when they are home, help cook dinner/wash up etc. However, once kids are school age then laundry/vacuuming etc can be done during the day by sahp.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/02/2015 14:28

Thats it sardine
We should be trying to take care of the ppl we love.

morethanpotatoprints · 08/02/2015 14:41

My dh does more than 50% at home because he wants to, there is more to running a home than looking after your kids and housework.
I am a sahm and he works at least 10 hours a day, never has a day off because how he earns his money means the world to him.
He is still a husband and father, and acts accordingly.
You must do what suits you OP and a sahp is just as entitled to moan about their lot as a wohp is.

Dontwanttopanic · 08/02/2015 15:25

In the Autumn, I went back to work as a lawyer after maternity leave - being back in the office is approximately 100 times easier than being at home was. DH and I decided together as a family that I would take that time out of the workplace and be a SAHP, at least temporarily, because we thought it was the best thing to do for DD. But on that basis, I had to actually be a SAH parent, not a cleaner - taking care of DD but also stimulating her, etc. That was indeed my job for the year - we had specifically agreed that it should be. Otherwise, if I wasn't looking after DD, what was I doing there - shouldn't I have gone back to my paid job and be improving my longer term career prospects for the benefit of the family as a whole...?

If you were in an office being employed to do a particular job, it would be weird if you were berated for not having completed all your family admin during office hours. Your response would be that of course you hadn't been doing other admin - you had been doing your job, as you should have been. I am a bit stunned by the level of judgement about this subject but also the direction in which it's targeted. I would be so upset if I came home and found that DH hadn't been watching DD for the length of time it takes to clean the bathroom. I am genuinely astonished that some people appear to be actively demanding that their partners do so. Is DD just a particularly active child? We would in all seriousness end up in A and E if we did this in our house - we have done when we took our eyes off her for about 45 seconds. We have a very lovely nanny who I am sure is keeping a close eye on DD when I'm at work but I wouldn't expect her to do housework as it's a full time job for her to watch my DD to a standard I would be happy with. If she did something else apart from childcare and didn't watch DD for 45 minutes at a time, I would probably start looking for a new nanny. I'm guessing the same would apply to nurseries. If the nursery staff went off to lunch in another room and left the kids alone for 30 minutes in the nursery area, there would be uproar, surely?

Apologies for the further dollop of judgement to add to the rather large pile already in existence on this thread. I have tried to hold it in for 10 pages of thread but couldn't do so any longer!

tropicalholidayhereicome · 08/02/2015 15:50

Don'twanttopanic - I am in my bedroom and my 3 are out in living room. I can trust to leave them for periods of time, and can't say I have ever worried about A&E! I am currently writing reports for work (and mning!)

Original poster
mrsruffallo · 08/02/2015 16:35

Sardine Queen, if you read my posts properly you would see that I am talking about sahp's whose children are at school. No need to take it personally.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsruffallo · 08/02/2015 16:38

Sorry Duelling fanjo, I don't understand the question, It's not clear what you mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsruffallo · 08/02/2015 16:41

Duelling fanjo- Really??? Yu would leave the wohp's clothes out when you put a wash on??? That's very strange in a partnership. They are not your flatmate.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/02/2015 16:48

dontwanttopanic
Good post

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 08/02/2015 17:01

"If I was a SAHP I think I would decide not to do the working person's picking up clothes, washing, ironing, putting away - they are an adult so can take care of this"

If that was the attitude of my partner then I would do likewise and tell them I wasn't paying for their needs as they are an adult and can take care of that.

If a person opts out of working and expects somebody else to fund that choice then the least they can do is the household tasks. Even with preschoolers, it's easily done. People who say it's not possible to watch a child and do a few household jobs must live in a very weird place.

Burke1 · 08/02/2015 17:08

The effort you both put in should be equal, so it's reasonable that if you're out working and your partner isn't, you shouldn't be doing half the housework on top of your day job. It is ultimately about what you're both happy with.

angeleyes72 · 08/02/2015 17:09

Well as a sahp I do dhs laundry but I feel really disrespected when he leaves his stuff lying around. And snowwhite how the hell do you know how hard or easy it is for others to do household tasks in their own homes. You how no idea how hard or easy their dc are, how bug 5heir homes etc.. Plus calling a sahm just a parent without a job is plain rude.

angeleyes72 · 08/02/2015 17:10

big their (fat fingers)

angeleyes72 · 08/02/2015 17:13

Plus I don't think anyone has said wohm should do 50% with school aged dc and virtualy no one has said it with preschoolers unless situation extreme.

Goldenbear · 08/02/2015 18:24

'Cleaning' is not a 'labour of love' for me like Architecture is to DH so I'm 'never' going to accept that as my role. I'm a SAHP to DC, one of whom is a preschooler- that's my priority, I never wanted to be Mrs Stepford and I'm not!

Mrsfrumble · 08/02/2015 19:55

"If a person opts out of working and expects someone else to fund that choice..."

Right, because that's exactly how it works in every family with a SAHP isn't it? One parent announces they can't be arsed with this paid employment lark anymore and they're going to leech off the other parent for the foreseeable. It can't possibly be because of circumstances or perhaps even for the benefit of the working partner. Hmm What a narrow view.

I do actually do the majority of housework. DH irons his own shirts and cooks dinner for me and him 2 or 3 times a week, and I'm happy with that on the understanding that he won't complain if I don't get the vacuuming done or serve pasta and pesto for supper because I've been busy with the children. Because it's about compromise and understanding what's best for our family, much like the circumstances that led to me becoming a SAHP in the first place.

Original poster
mrsruffallo · 08/02/2015 21:57

I don't understand why Snow White is getting slated.

OP posts:
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