To think that, as the working parent, I do not have to do half of the housework?

[mrsruffallo]

Just that really, Fed up with sahps moaning about their working partners not doing enough around the house. Well, that's the deal isn't it? I cook most nights but that's about it.

Now there's a sentence I never thought I would write!

If one person is paying rent, bills etc why would you refuse to add their clothes to the wash whilst they were at work?

Indeed why would you refuse to let them shag you up the arse when you don't feel like it?

Mrsruffallo I'm guessing you are being deliberately obtuse and offensive in order to provoke. But on the off chance you really do need it explaining to you... because being a SAHP doesn't make you someone's chattel or slave.

"You would leave the wohp's clothes out when you put a wash on??? That's very strange in a partnership. They are not your flatmate"

I would expect them to do washing when it was clearly needing to be done; I would never let the status quo be that I would just do it all.

My DH puts his clothes on the floor so I move them into a basket but I have quite often removed his clothes from the washing if there isn't enough room in the machine for me to get me and DS's clothes clean.

DH is quite capable of putting a wash on himself, working or not.

Surely the problem is not how other people run their households (who cares?) but that

1. women still end up doing so much 'wife work' even when they work full time.
2. so many roles assume that there is somebody at home prepared to do 99% of domestic work and childcare, and that disproportionately people who have this kind of support are men.

My cousin works full time , his DW is a SAHM.
He works 60+ hours a week (quite a senior detective in the met) and she does EVERYTHING at home. It works for them.

Personally if one partner is keeping the other then I do think the stay at home partner (male or female) should run the house and sort the kids.

My parents did it this way and father was most put out if he got in from the farm in the evening and dinner wasn't ready and the house wasn't clean(ish). Mother didn't mind at all, she kept on top of the chores and then went off out playing golf.

DW and I both work (so we got a cleaner and someone to do our laundry) but any chores that we do have to do are split fairly evenly.

But herein lays the problem, no? Without wishing to be rude, if you genuinely consider that one partner is "keeping" the other, or "opting out of paid employment" then frankly who is doing the laundry is the least of your worries. There is a set amount of work to be done by the family as a whole. Some of it is domestic and some of it receives remuneration. You can either split it between you so that both parents do some paid work and some domestic work, divide it into separate tasks, which together make up the whole, or use some of that remuneration to ask for some of the tasks to be done by a third party.

Either way, however, the responsibility for all the tasks, and for the allocation of those tasks, lays with both of the adults in the family. And as a result, surely any decision as to whether one of the parents becomes a SAHP is taken jointly by the adults in the family. Both of those adults then have to take responsibility for that decision for the duration of that arrangement. I would be livid if DH and I reached a joint and considered decision that I should stay home and then he started referring to me having "opted out" of the workplace, or being "kept", as though it were a unilateral act; that would be a wholly unreasonable abdication of his responsibility for his part in the decision. I could absolutely be wrong, and hey, I'm willing to be told that I am, as I obviously don't know anyone's individual arrangements, but using that sort of language doesn't show the user in a great light. We're all adults; we wouldn't get away with not taking ownership of our decisions in that way in any external workplace and any attempt to do so would be very much frowned upon.

Sorry - that was a bit ranty, even for me. Been a long day...

You've nailed it, dontwant.

No way dontwant, you articulated what I was try to say much more clearly.

maninawomansworld that works out ok if both people's responsibilities last the same amount of time. So if one partner WOH, say, 9-6 and the other partner does housework, cooks dinner etc 9-6 then that's fair and they can both put their feet up in the evening, or split any remaining tasks evenly.

What's not fair is when one person's responsibilities only last 9-6 Monday to Friday and the other person's responsibilities are 7-8, 7 days a week. Which would be the case if one person was solely responsible for WOH and the other was solely responsible for home and children.

Agree also with dontwant that neither is "keeping" the other. One partner might be bringing in all the money, but the other is doing all the domestic stuff. Both are equally necessary to a decent life.

I think the issue is SAHM flirting with live in slave is something that many homemakers have to constantly have to make sure they don't slip into, its easy to take for granted someone who (ive you have that mentality) is there to wipe your arse.

Agree also with dontwant that neither is "keeping" the other. One partner might be bringing in all the money, but the other is doing all the domestic stuff. Both are equally necessary to a decent life

But the problem is that the "other" isn't doing all (or much of any) of the domestic stuff in some cases. Some of us end up doing the working bit along with the majority of the domestic bit too.

I resent that sometimes. There. I've said it.

I think it's different if 'SAHP' means the DC are all in school 9-3 and the parent has those six hours to themselves. In those circumstances I'd say yanbu. They have six hours, five days a week to themselves. They can surely muster up an hour a day, if that, to crack on with the housework.

If SAHP means they're at home all day with baby/toddlers or they're home educating then that is also a job in itself and they shouldn't be expected to do 100% of the housework as well IMO. It's pretty damn exhausting raising children ya know. DH has said many a times that he couldn't switch roles and be at home rather than at work, he'd lose his mind . But yes, you should still do most of the leg work. SAHP doesn't mean you're a skivvy though, the working parent should still pull their weight. This isn't the 1950s.

Do whatever works for your family. For us, DH works shifts so quite often he's at home during the day and the rule in this house is if one cooks, the other washes up. That stands whether DH has been working all day and comes home to a cooked dinner, he'll wash up the dinner dishes or if he's on a late shift and at home in the morning/early afternoon- if I cooked/made breakfast and lunch then he washes up. Obviously if he's not at home and I cooked for DC and I I don't leave the dishes for him so I do wash up as well as Cook quite often too... The other rule is if one put nappy wash on, the other hangs the nappies on the clothes horse. And DH almost always takes the bin out because yuck. I do everything else though including home educating the three DC, sorting bills and food planning. Works well for us.

Equal downtime, however you get there, is the only answer. The detail is for each family.

And everyone must be honest about when they are having downtime.

yet another.. I think it is you who are being deliberately offensive. Hey ho.

I have already explained I am coming from a perspective of someone with school age children. And what is all that nonsense about sahm not being 'slaves'. No one has put forward the argument that they are slaves. Just that, if the children are at school and yo are the parent with 6 hours free then you should do the majority of the housework. Makes sense doesn't it?

I love the focusing on downtime- I think when you are the wohm parent you do begin to feel rather resentful about the lack of downtime and that is a sensible way6 to look at it.

no one is saying that a sahp with school aged shouldn't do the bulk mrsr. Although in school holidsys with say infsnt school dc than the split should change.